"I learned to play toy soldiers": Moms on how they raise fatherless children
In Russia, it is difficult to raise a child alone: According to experts, in 70% of cases there are difficulties with collecting alimony, and there is still no special fund in the country, thanks to which mothers could receive money, even if the father escapes responsibility. Difficulties arise with the financial situation on maternity leave, and with the search for work, with which it will be possible to combine the independent upbringing of the child. Society also presses: women are often blamed for the fact that they “could not save the family”, became pregnant “too early” or “incorrectly chose” the future father. We talked with women who are raising children on their own, and found out why it’s often better without a father, why help from relatives is not a panacea, and how to manage everything.
When I was nineteen years old, I had been dating a young man for two years and suddenly became pregnant. He was twenty-one and he immediately said that he didn’t need this child, and I decided not to go for an abortion. We broke up a week after I reported this news. At first I was completely not happy with the situation, I was sure that the child should grow up in a full family. But now my daughter is four years old, and I understand that in marriage with her father I would have been much harder. A child should be desired for everyone, and the father should really help, and not become the second baby on his shoulders.
However, you always remember that you do not have an airbag and a person who will help you if you suddenly get sick. In such a situation it is quite difficult to cope with a child who constantly demands attention, and you lie alone and seem to die. It is still difficult to combine the functions of two parents: you must be both a protector and a beloved mother. It is not easy for a child to become both a bad and a good cop at the same time. But I also see complete families who cannot cope with the stress of living together - all this is seen by children and absorbed like a sponge. I am emotionally stable, and this is why my child is calm too.
I receive quite a lot of help from relatives, especially after my daughter has grown up. Up to two years with her was hard, and then her relatives began to call themselves and offer to pick her up. At the same time, the relatives of the former boyfriend became more active - now they are glad that their granddaughter has appeared, I am not hindering their communication.
She sees her father about once every six months - he is not very interested, and I think he does this only because his family insists. Recently, he began to help financially, and it's great. Although I am officially listed as a “single mother” and formally, he should not pay me alimony. I hope that when the daughter grows up, he wakes up and will communicate more with her. Still, small children are more about mom and her tenderness, and the father should help with advices to a teenager. I honestly tell my daughter that dad lives in another house, loves you and someday you will see. Perhaps, in the future, her daughter will have psychological problems in relations with men, because her father was not around, and she will get used to thinking that her mother does not need the help of her father, which means that she will also cope with everything herself. So the father (biological or not) should be close. I hope in the near future I will find a man who will be a good stepfather for her.
Now I finish university, I work, and when my daughter was two years old, I fully returned to social life. She went to the nursery, now goes to the garden. As soon as the opportunity to use public services appeared, it became easier: I really manage to combine work, study and upbringing a child when she is in kindergarten until seven in the evening. And, of course, without the help of relatives can not do. People around me feel sorry for me or admire me when they find out that I gave birth at the age of nineteen and combine my child with work and study. In state structures, learning that a child does not have a father and a middle name, people directly change in their faces and become more benevolent. And to all the others I try to convey that the child is not an anchor, it, on the contrary, gives additional motivation, and this is very cool.
When we met my ex-husband, he almost immediately raised the topic of children and a week later he said that he wanted me to give birth to many children. I was very in love and ready to become a mother. Soon I got pregnant, we got together, and at the same time my husband started to get depressed and had problems with the business - he completely went into the world of games, and I had to take care of the family. Over time, everything worked out, he was again offered a good job, which required moving to another country, and then he announced to me that I had ruined his life and he had long been looking for a way to get rid of me. I collected his things and put them in the corridor. Since then, he has repeatedly tried to return, now he has a good job and high income, but he does not live with us, we rarely see each other. Needless to say, all this time I tried to save my family: I met him with dinners and smiles, watched me, did not gain a single extra kilogram during pregnancy.
It is difficult to rejoice in the fact that you are raising a child alone, but I do not doubt the loyalty of my decision: I am no longer irritated as I have lately living together with my husband. But financially it was hard: I ran out of savings and had to start working with a small child in my arms. The child began to get sick a lot. The husband helped rarely and rather with the goal of returning. Not getting what he wanted, he turned off the phone for a month. It was especially hard when my child got sick with a severe flu, I had no money, and had to live on borrowed from friends - then I didn’t even guess to get a credit card.
When you bring up a child alone, you get very tired and start looking at things one-sidedly. The love and financial support of the partner help you feel more confident, less exhausting and not getting numb. You can raise a child alone, but you don’t need it - after all, children need both mom and dad. But at the same time, I devote more time to my career, because I don’t spend time on relationships.
Now my parents help me a lot - they support me mentally and physically. Mom comes to me for the whole time of her vacation, sometimes dad comes too. Friends also came in handy - sometimes it seems to me that I survived a divorce only because of them. The father comes to us once or twice a month and gives fifteen - thirty thousand rubles a month. He loves the child and, in my opinion, behaves correctly in terms of education.
I met with my daughter's future father for half a year. We broke up, because I decided that such a person is not suitable for long-term relationships. After that, I learned about pregnancy. He reacted very badly - he was frightened, although at that time he was about thirty years old. He chaotically helped the first year after the birth of his daughter: then he came - then not, then he gave money - then he did not. Then he disappeared altogether: he did not write, did not call, was not interested. He also has the citizenship of another country, and to bring him to justice through the court is quite difficult. I decided not to file for child support, because the proceedings would be too expensive.
When I saw how the former partner behaves after learning about the pregnancy, I was convinced that my decision to part with him was correct. However, I was upset that the father of my child is a person who is not suitable for a family. If the father is such a person, then it is easier to live without him. He does not know what he wants, cannot make decisions, cannot think with his head. Unfortunately, I spent too much effort to attract him to the upbringing of the child.
When you bring up a child alone, you feel that there is no necessary psychological support from a partner and the opportunity to raise a child without involving relatives like grandmother and aunt. Although the family helps me a lot, our views on raising a child are very different, and they are not always in awe of the need to sit with my daughter. Another thing, if there was a like-minded man next to it, it would first of all help me emotionally, the financial issue is already in second place.
But in the absence of my husband, I make all decisions on my own: to baptize or not, to vaccinate or not, how to feed and clothe. For example, I managed to leave the sea from Moscow for six months with my child - I think it would hardly have happened with my husband, who works in Moscow. But still, the help of a loved one is absolutely necessary - this also applies to mothers who raise children alone, and women whose husbands go to the office early in the morning and return when the child is already asleep. Without support, emotional burnout can occur.
The child needs a father, but it is clear that in situations like this, I have to act according to circumstances. Now I’m looking for a new partner - I’m not going to put my whole life in the upbringing of my daughter. In addition, I am sure that it will benefit her so that she understands: people sometimes make mistakes, but life does not end there and everything can be rebuilt again. Unfortunately, there was no such example in my family: after my divorce, my mother refused to have a private life at all.
When my former partner found out that there would be a child, I paid for the management of pregnancy and childbirth in advance, but did not come to the hospital, but I did not see the child at all: he returned to the family from which he had left before. At first he sent money, and then he stopped, although the child is not even a year old. I plan to seek child support, I have already filed a claim, but for now I give the person time to correct. If in a few months I don’t think again, I'll go to court.
I decided to leave the child because the question was acute: either to start it now, or to face problems with childbirth later - I had a hard history. I absolutely do not regret that I decided on a child without support. True, there are enough difficulties. My parents are from another city, and I had to transport my mother to Moscow so that she was with the child around the clock, because I went to work a month after the birth. Of course, the help of parents is invaluable, but an adult should live independently. Not for this, I moved and built a career. But I earn good money, so the situation is tolerable.
In the first months of my daughter's life, I often did not want to see anyone, and there were moments when I was glad that there was no man around. But otherwise, it is psychologically difficult for me, and because of the lack of psychological support, and because the father does not see his daughter growing up. I believe that the emotional connection with parents is built up to two years - then it becomes more difficult. I am worried how I will have to explain to the child why dad did not come so much time and did not meet from the hospital.
There must be a good, well-built relationship with the biological father, even if he left the family, otherwise this situation could be a great trauma for the child. For example, there is a risk that a daughter will incorrectly build relationships with men, look for their father in them. I myself am from a full family and I can not say that the relationship with my father did not leave a trace on me. And what do those who have one parent not feel at all? So in my ideal scenario, my daughter should have a biological father, with whom she will have a good relationship, and a stepfather, who has a wonderful attitude towards her.
The former husband beat me, forced me to have sex - often this happened during a child. In the end, one day he pointed out a door for me with my daughter, and since then we are with her together. At first it was very insulting and scary. After all, when you decide on a child, you rely on your man, materially and morally. But I quickly decided that everything was for the best. The main thing is that the daughter no longer sees this nightmare.
Now I remember with horror how I had to ask for leave from my husband to take a break from a child. At the same time I was terribly afraid to leave my daughter with him, he didn’t do it at all. Now my mother helps me, and the mother-in-law sends toys and some clothes to her daughter. Help is really needed. Mom, unlike my ex-husband, I trust, and her help helps me to develop my career. The former husband pays alimony of six thousand rubles, and once a month comes to her daughter for three hours. The child does not need a guest or a roommate, but a good father who will deal with them, to love him and respect his mother.
I gave birth to a child from my first love, but in the end she ended up with Santa Barbara. My husband, a computer science teacher in college, had a love affair behind my back at the same time as a former girlfriend and his student. At the same time, he made claims to me that I looked bad, I did everything wrong, but other women cook ten dishes, dance, and their children sing just a fairy tale. After reading one of the letters from my mistress, I decided to leave - we parted six years ago.
It is difficult to cope with all of one thing: to drive a child to circles, to work, to carry him to rehabilitation - my son has a disability. I remember how I designed my first retirement. I sit in the office, the son is on his knees, and the woman on the contrary says: "The mother has given birth to a cripple, now suffer, and mother will row the money." My friends say that I am very lucky to have such interlocutors. Often people think that since I am alone with a child, one can talk nonsense. One young lady argued that I specifically teach the child to behave badly in the subway and push people. The stereotype that single moms indulge very much, also makes itself felt.
The son did not speak until six, and it was necessary to constantly deal with him, and this requires money. Usually, in such cases, the father goes to work in two shifts, while the mother drags the child to speech therapists, speech pathologists and psychologists. I also had to dodge: a lot to exclude, something we did at home, somewhere the state helped. The rehabilitation center in which we go helped a lot. I know for sure that I have a clever son and he has a lot of talents, but, unfortunately, I have to develop it alone. But I have the opportunity to tell my son how amazing this world is: the small one is always with me, because there is no place to put it, so he learns to communicate and learns about adult life. Understands that he is not the center of the world and sometimes you need to be patient. Had a husband, they would have stayed at home and watched cartoons.
We see our father every couple of years when we need to sign some documents. He used to pay child support, but then he said that his friends do not pay, so he will not. In addition, the father decided that he did not need a son with a disability - he does not communicate with the child at all, and occasionally writes to me that the son will never be full and my life is lost. It seems to me that something is eating him, so he justifies himself.
When his son was six, he himself decided that his dad was dead. Popes from our kindergarten group are very actively involved in their upbringing: they often pick up children, play with them, and take care. I looked at all this and decided that there was no dad, because he died. I did not persuade the child, because I do not know how to explain that, in theory, there is a dad, but he does not need a child. The son is kind and gentle, loves everyone - he will not understand how it is. I understand that dad can “rise from the dead” at any moment, but I don’t know what to do - the psychologist recommends simply avoiding this topic.
To be a son and a mom and a dad I have to dodge: I learned to play soldiers, watch cartoons for boys and build fortresses, not fairies castles. I learned not to impose rules on the child and not to insert princesses in the game. But now I understand this better than many dads. I have no idea how to deal with a huge and self-sufficient teenage son. I think it would be easier with my husband.
I have no divorced friends. Even in the garden where my son goes, incomplete family is rare. Therefore, it can be hard to explain why I cannot pick up a child at five, or why I cannot come to the party alone. Yes, and relatives look like a syruyu and miserable, who could not keep the holiest. Sometimes women call me to visit, only when there is no husband, and then God forbid I repulse. But I have friends who sat with the child and defended me when the ex-husband spoke about me and the son of nastiness. The family does not help me in any way. Mom offers to give the child to the orphanage and not to suffer, she believes that I was lucky, because for a disabled child they pay a pension.
Photo: Berlin Deluxe, Rifle Paper Co, Claires