"No Compromise": Women on the change of surname after marriage
Change of name after marriage is a tradition established in Russia, but to comply with it or not, every woman decides for herself. Someone basically leaves the maiden, not wanting to lose independence, communication with family, fame in a professional environment or just an aesthetically pleasing component of the name. Others perceive changes in documents as a symbolic gesture of unity with her husband, or simply rejoice at the possibility of getting rid of a name that is not pleasant. And, of course, there is always the option to take a double surname - the option, when a husband takes his wife's surname, is quite rare. We talked to women who had differently managed to call themselves after marriage, and found out if the maiden name forms identity and why some men still tremble with this patriarchal roots.
Olesya Gerasimenko
journalist
I left my last name because it is important for my work. I am a correspondent and actually sell the name, picking up orders from the editors. Well, another reason, less pragmatic - from assigning someone else's name is the feeling of going into slavery, into someone's undivided possession. For me, marriage is different. I decided that I would leave my surname, long before the plans for marriage. My husband knew me well before our romance, so that before the wedding he didn’t even raise this question. I think a person who is interested in such things as changing his last name would not even be able to meet with me.
And my husband has a normal surname - Kozlov! As my mother said: "A good Russian surname." I like the way she sounds with the name of her daughter, Aglaia Kozlov, similar to the stage name of the end of the 19th century. Somewhere near Voronezh there is a whole village of the Kozlovs, and in the Belarusian village near Gomel (in the homeland of my father) all residents have the name Gerasimenko. So in a sense, our last names are similar.
Anna Kolesnikova
EDITOR
My maiden name was Manevich. Because of its unusualness (almost like Malevich), many acquaintances never called me by name. Therefore, when the future husband began to insist that I take his last name, I took it as an attempt on my person and part of my past life. And although I defended my independence, partly I was ready to accept a new status - a person in marriage.
At first, the husband was adamant and said that if I was going to be his wife, then you need to follow all the traditions, but then offered to throw a coin - she fell out of the wrong direction, and I lost. But for some reason she was not upset, but realized that for me it was completely unprincipled, because I love him. And as soon as I wanted to say this, my husband changed his mind and decided that my surname was not important to him either, and suggested that I leave the girlfriend. As a result, the name I still changed. And now I live Kolesnikova, everywhere meeting namesakes. And the way to flip a coin, yielding to the loser, in our family got accustomed - for washing dishes, for example.
Anastasia Chukovskaya
publisher producer
"Chukovskaya, tell the whole class about the grandfather. You found him?", "You are not interested in ancient literature. And this is with your genes! With such a great grandfather! You could tell more about Euripides. I can put only three" , - I often had to deal with such questions in my youth as the great-great-granddaughter of Korney Chukovsky.
I do not want to act in the style of "problems of white people", but in childhood and adolescence this surname brought solid kicks and humiliation to me. For example, in the lower grades, the teachers forced me to go around the classes and tell "about the grandfather" to other children. I could not refuse, so I memorized the memories of my grandfather about his grandfather (that is, Korney Chukovsky) and told them. And this is not to mention the fact that in school I had the nickname Chuka. And before entering the journalism department, I had to make five publications and assure them in the editorial office. Some of them were published in the daily newspaper Kommersant, and the editor of the department wrote on the letterhead of the publishing house: "This was indeed written by the great-great-granddaughter of Korney Ivanovich." Because of this, I cried bitterly and even wanted to destroy my articles.
But we have a big family, so all relatives faced similar situations. With age, this reconciled me with the surname Chukovskaya, and I realized that friends love me not for whose relative I am. The spiritual and genetic connection with great-grandfather is my own business, which does not concern anyone.
When Lesha, my future husband and I, came to the registry office, I was about to take a double last name (Chukovskaya-Zelenskaya) - as a manifestation of my love, a gesture of goodwill. But then we remembered the planned overseas trips and decided that we would not have time to change all the documents for the visa on time. So everything died down. Moreover, by the age of thirty I fell in love with my maiden name, and I demonstrate my love for my husband every day, even if without his last name in my passport.
Masha Fedorova (Bakhtin)
charity project manager
I have a real confusion with my last name - I think that a good half of my acquaintances will not say anything about anything. Somehow it happened that most friends know me by the name of my husband. I respond to it, and with pleasure. And at work in the “Vera” hospice care fund, where my husband and I once came together, the same thing. Even on business cards the name of her husband is shown - Bakhtin, although in fact I am Fedorov.
I have two last names on facebook so that I don’t have to explain myself once again. Among other things, the Fedorovs sea, go find what you need through the search box. Now it turns out, people think that I am both a surname and a burden.
I rather like the idea of wearing the name of my husband, I just was too lazy to change it in due time. When we got married ten years ago, we left ours so as not to bother with paperwork — not to change, for example, a driver's license. The day before I lost them twice, and in the district MOTOTRER they already looked askance at me. All thought, I will do it sometime later, when there is more time. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that there would never be more time, but just the opposite.
Anna Mongight
creative producer
My future husband Seryozha and I lived together for six years before I finally agreed to marry him. The main obstacle was the surname, because my maiden (Loshak) got me so bad that I, at the age of 15, promised myself to marry only a person with a harmonious surname - no compromises. That is why in different years quite real options for bridegrooms fell away. No chance for Ivanov, Krivosheykina and Trakhtenberg could not be.
And I had to fall in love with Styrikovich! This Polish last name reminded me of a random combination of letters that a computer gives out when in despair you drop your head on the keyboard. In a word, there could be no question of any marriage. Fortunately, over time, it became clear that Styrikovich is the name of Sergei's mother, which he took when he was 16 years old. And before that, he wore a beautiful papa Mongayt, historically Jewish, but phonetically quite foreign. His dad emigrated to America, and the Polish grandfather, an academic, insisted that Seryozha change his last name. They say it will be easier for the boy to live.
As proof of his love, Seryozha quite easily changed the surname Styrikovich to the former Mongayt. At the same time, he restored good relations with his father, and by that moment the domineering grandfather had already died.
In my name Mongayt, in my opinion, sat like a glove. And then I found out that she hails from a German toponym - the city of Mannheim. Trolls, anti-Semites, who do not know what to complain about, like to expose me, saying that my maiden name is Loshak, and Mongayt is a pseudonym. And here I usually proudly answer that in general this is the name of my husband, without specifying what efforts she gave me.
Anastasia Bonch-Osmolovskaya
teacher
Since childhood, I did not really love my last name. First, she did not fit anywhere. Secondly, all the time it was necessary to clarify that Bonch is written without the "ь" at the end, and Bonch-Osmolovskaya - through a line. And it was also very annoying to explain that I was not a relative of Bonch-Bruyevich, who wrote about Lenin. We had to talk about this every time at the moment, as they say, self-identification.
Since my surname was very embarrassing, and I was just about to get married, I wanted to change it. It seemed to me that Asya Rogova sounds gracefully, briefly, and no one else will ask stupid questions. In addition, I had the opportunity to change my identity - and this is a very interesting experience. But the husband said: "Why are you, how can you change such a last name!" In general, I persuaded to leave the maiden.
Bonch-Osmolovskaya - noble Polish surname. In 2012, she was five hundred years old, there is even a very beautiful family coat of arms. But in general, the Polish gentry bought the prefix "bonch" to add a nobleness to themselves. By the way, Bruevichi did the same. There is also a family legend about how the nobleman saved the Polish prince (a relative of the Polish king Sigismund) from the captivity in a barrel of tar, but I don’t really believe in it - I think this is nonsense and fantasy, just Polish nouveau riche of the XVI century pretended to be little Italians
I got the surname along both lines. Formally, from dad, but mom is also in her mom Bonch-Osmolovskaya - dad is a cousin uncle mom. The funny thing is that I have four sons, that is, four Horny boys, and my brother has two daughters, so while on our branch the name is interrupted.
Ksenia Martirosova
personal fitness trainer
When I found out what my husband has a beautiful and sonorous last name, I immediately thought that it would be cool to be combined with my name. In addition, we somehow jokingly discussed this topic, and my husband quite categorically expressed his opinion. Yes, and in both families, women always took the names of their husbands, so everyone treated this as a given. Maybe I seem old-fashioned, but for me this is not a formality, but an important step. Take the name of her husband - this is how to become one. At the same time, the new surname does not affect independence in any way and certainly does not change anything in the relationship.
In addition, I suffered with my maiden name - Prutsskova. It is interesting, but in Russian there are rarely three consonant letters in a row, so I constantly recited it two or three times. I had to say: “Prutskova, in the middle of“ CSK ”, like a football club, you know?” There was a legend in our family, they say, “c” crept in during the war, when at the front, due to inattention, they made a mistake, and it remained there.
Alexandra Bazhenova-Sorokina
teacher
I have a double surname: I wanted to take my husband's surname, but leave mine. I have always liked the Spanish tradition of double surnames, when at first the child has the surname of the mother and the father, and after marriage you can leave both your own, or you can take a husband in return for father's or mother's. This is how Perez-Reverte and Garcia Marquez are made.
I know a lot about my maiden name and my mother’s last name. The roots and the symbolic connection with them are important to me, so I did not want to give up my last name. And my husband has a beautiful, but very common surname, and from the very beginning he suggested that I take a double one or leave my own - at my own discretion. I really like the way my double last name sounds, and a bunch of acquaintances and strangers (from relatives to security guards at work) ask how I got this. It turns out that many people do not know that there is such an option, and they would also like to have a double last name.
Changing the names of her husband for me is just a tradition, which can be a pleasant symbolic gesture, but sometimes vice versa. But it is deeply wrong to assume that taking the surname of a husband is an obligatory matter and that it is "important for the family." Today’s name and surname are part of the identity of each person, not a clan, so only you yourself should decide what to do with them.
Svetlana Veselukha
editor at an advertising agency
Previously, women and children had to wear the names of husband and father, respectively, now it is a personal matter for everyone. Attitude to his surname, as well as to the name, is not an easy thing. Someone will respond to the name, someone - rather to the name, someone in general for all his life will remain close to the nickname, given to the passers-by and picked up by the neighbors.
My surname is quite rare in Russia and even causes doubts about the natural origin. In kindergarten, I was teased, and I dreamed of changing it to another — Voronova (for some reason, there was such a trend in our older group — wanting to become Voronova). Gradually, I learned to appreciate and love my surname, and it even turned out that I no longer identify myself by name. In the Belarusian version, the surname sounds "Vesselha" and is formed from "vyasёlka", which translates as "rainbow". And this explanation, and an explanation with fun quite suits me.
At twenty-two, I decided to get married and realized that it was important for me that the family had one last name, so I took the name of my husband. She did not stand out and was not at all remembered - the usual Russian surname of the "geographical name", and soon I felt sorry for myself. In addition, although no one condemned me (the traditional act of condemnation was somehow not accepted), many expressed the same regret. And it turned out that I was somehow uncomfortable and alone with my name, and with my new surname. Fortunately, I became Veselukha again when I divorced, and I do not plan to change anything again.
Natalya Volkova
teacher
My husband and I have the same last name, which I found out quite by accident. He talked about the school and mentioned that his teacher addressed him as Volkov. At first I thought that I had heard wrong, but it turned out that we have really the same last names. Before that, I always had young people with very nice surnames, but in fact I always wanted to leave the girlfriend.
I remember that in the registry office it was necessary to write a statement in which there were several columns: “I leave my surname”, “I take the surname of my husband” or “I take another surname”. I was still joking that I would think about changing something or not. In fact, in this statement, I took the name of my husband, and the woman who signed our documents solemnly announced: “Do you agree to wear the common name Volkov?” Of course, the whole registry office was laughing. As a result, I did not have to change any official papers. In this regard, we were very lucky when we left to live in Germany. We had the same last name, and when the husband prepared the documents (even before the wedding), no questions arose.
By tradition, take the name of my husband, I am fine. It all depends on how a man and a woman perceive it. After all, there are men who are notorious enough to be offended or refuse a marriage if a woman decides not to change anything. Now it is more convenient to have a common last name solely because of bureaucratic problems, especially if you have children.
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