The world through muddy glass: How I live with depersonalization
Depersonalization-derealization syndrome - this is actually a combination of two different symptoms — depersonalization and derealization — they often just manifest together. When depersonalizing a person seems to be a stranger to his own body, he perceives himself as if from the side, as another person. With derealization, the perception of the surrounding world changes: what is happening seems unreal, a person moves away from what surrounds him. Such a disorder may be a symptom of another disease, such as depression or PTSD, and it can occur on its own.
This is a fairly common, but little-known syndrome - according to research by the UK and the US, up to 2% of the population is facing it, but for many people they can’t make the right diagnosis for a long time. We talked with Valeria Kopirovskaya, who was diagnosed with depersonalization-derealization syndrome, which was manifested due to depression.
In 2012 I graduated from school and went to college, in parallel I tried to work. Already next summer I left school: I wanted to change my life and make money on my own. In order to distract myself and draw up a plan of action, I decided to go to the Russian Reporter Summer School. Even on the way there, tears began to roll by themselves, I could not stop at all. On the third night I woke up from a strong feeling of anxiety and fear and could not overcome them. This condition scared me very much, and it was rapidly deteriorating away from home — a week later I decided to leave. I didn’t immediately tell others about what was happening, which, I think, only aggravated the situation.
I decided to go to another university and chose not the easiest option - HSE. Then I wanted to urgently go to work to get the most out of my condition. It seemed to me that this is the best way to recover, but depression is an insidious thing: sports, friends, helping others is important, but without concomitant treatment it hardly works.
In November, it became harder to work and I quit. Even then I began to behave impulsively: I did not finish things, even the most insignificant ones, to the end. For example, I was invited for an interview, and I refused on the last day — I thought I would look for something else or continue to prepare for exams. Yes, we all sometimes do not complete what we have begun, but then everything was different: I constantly felt internal discomfort and could not make decisions at all.
A person's picture of the world is distorted: it becomes "flat", colorless, emotions fade
The main difficulty was that they did not take my problem seriously. My friends thought that I just had too much free time, they said that I needed to work, study, set high goals. The first who decided to send me to a specialist was my grandfather. There is a psychotherapist among my relatives, he diagnosed me with neurotic depression. His treatment method — Ericksonian hypnosis — is considered by many to be unscientific, but, nevertheless, we used it. In the first sessions I felt very strange - I was immersed in some kind of dreams, images, as if in another dimension. At the third reception I was not well, and I lost consciousness. Then we decided that we would only deal with psychotherapy. I do not know in which method this specialist worked, but I soon realized that he was not suitable for me and that something was going wrong.
Two months later, it got worse. I felt that my mind does not work as it used to: thoughts jump, spontaneously arise some images - the easiest way to compare it with the state of half-sleep. I constantly felt that everything around me was unreal. When a person is depersonalized, the picture of the surrounding world is distorted: he becomes "flat", colorless, as if the block is on emotions - the sensations are dimming, it is not possible to experience the whole gamut of feelings towards people. The perception of myself and others also began to change, and this frightened me even more, I was suspicious of schizophrenia. I began to actively search on the Internet for such strange sensations, and constantly ran across the same words: “depersonalization” and “derealization”. But even in this state, I understood that drawing conclusions by myself was not the best idea.
The psychotherapist sent me to an acquaintance psychiatrist - without knowing it myself, I came to see one of the best specialists in the country. It turned out to be a friendly woman, whom I immediately wanted to tell everything. From her, already officially, I heard about the syndrome of depersonalization-derealization. I certainly had depression, but it went into a “complicated” stage, at which these symptoms also manifest. The doctor prescribed strong medicines, but she reassured: pharmacotherapy should be started smoothly, gradually increasing the dose. The treatment gave strong side effects: tachycardia, tremor, increased anxiety. Without telling anyone, after two weeks I abandoned him and began to look for something new - a typical mistake of those who are diagnosed with the disorder.
But I was lucky: I found groups about people with depersonalization-derealization in social networks. Once I was written by one of their participants, with whom I had mutual acquaintances, and offered to help. He advised me to consult a doctor who specializes in this disorder and helped him cope with it. There was one "but": he could only advise on Skype, since he lived in Israel. It was unexpected and risky - but I was ready to take the risk.
We began to communicate via Skype and first of all we selected a different treatment regimen: there was a new medicine in it, normotimik, about which no doctor had told me in Russia before. Abroad, it is considered the gold standard for working with depersonalization-derealization. As a result, my treatment regimen is as follows: antidepressant, neuroleptic and mood stabilizer, as well as mandatory cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy. Now I take medicines and save funds for consultations - unfortunately, in Russia it is difficult to count on free psychotherapeutic help. Such depression is treated for at least two, and ideally three or four years.
The state of depersonalization-derealization changes a person: you see yourself otherwise (depersonalization) and the world around (derealization). As a rule, these two symptoms appear together. I practically have no emotions - or rather, it seems to me that I do not feel them, that they have "broken". The psyche includes a protective mode, in which all emotions are very weak, barely perceptible. Loss of interest in life: I loved to watch movies, go to concerts, listen to music, but now I can not take them as before. To bring this to people is the hardest thing - they just don’t believe that this is possible. In front of me it’s like a dim glass that prevents me from seeing all the colors of life. It is difficult to watch movies and read books, because there is no feeling of "inclusion" in what I do, I can not immerse myself in them. Text or image are perceived as flat, gray, dull.
Depersonalization and derealization affect communication with people. If earlier I had a delicate feeling of a person with whom I was talking, now I practically don’t feel anything. I remember well how I perceived others before, what feelings I had when communicating with pleasant and interesting people. By the way, the longing for the past also became inaccessible: I cannot reproduce the previous sensations, although I remember them well. Memories, on the one hand, help to understand that once I can feel the world with the same force. On the other hand, this is a dangerous trap: during depersonalization-derealization, it is not recommended to recall the past in order not to aggravate the symptoms. Sometimes dreams are difficult to distinguish from reality: it seems that everything that is happening to me right now is not real. Over time, I decided to use this state - for example, I simply do not feel fear and calmly speak to the public, not being shy in communicating with people.
When they say that they love me, I cannot answer the same internally, simply because it is worth a “block”
Relationships with other people are changing: I think a lot about the fact that I cannot fully experience feelings, and this drives me into even more longing. When they say that they love me, I cannot respond inwardly to the same, simply because there is a “block” —with to this, with my head I understand how I feel about this person. Emotion used to be a navigator - now I focus only on the mind. The matter is also in the processes in the body: the feeling of love is associated with the production of certain substances, which I lack now, but medicines must restore balance.
I try not to give up my hobbies, despite the fact that now I have no previous interest - I understand that this is solely due to frustration. When a person is depressed, he sleeps a lot or, on the contrary, sleeps too little, often distracted, thinks more slowly and may be slowed down in general. Because of this, there are difficulties in work and study - the hindrance prevents me, but I try. I can reread the page several times just because it is perceived as "flat." At work and in school, I am not telling anyone anything about my condition - not because I am afraid, but because there are many misconceptions in society about mental disorders, and I would not want them to bother me.
Of course, there was no misunderstanding on the part of others. I heard that I "just whine", "just lazy" - pleasant enough, especially if it happens in the acute period of frustration. At some point, I decided that I would no longer say anything to anyone - especially since people, when communicating with me, were always surprised that I was depressed. Manifestations of depersonalization-derealization usually no one notices. I am well able to disguise my problems and even in such a situation I try to behave as “natural” as possible: not to leave myself in public, to try to show with gestures that I am interested, to depict emotions. It is a pity that now in Russian there is not a single book dedicated to depersonalization and derealization, which could help both those who showed up and those who surround such a person. But I found a bunch of English-language literature that I try to study - for example, "Overcoming Depersonalization Disorder: A Mindfulness and Acceptance Guide to Conducting Numbness and Unreality" and "Feeling Unreal".
Difficulties arose when relationships appeared. With depersonalization-derealization syndrome, it is difficult to feel sympathy, love, to experience empathy - the feelings seem to be blocked. Therefore, I built relationships rationally: I analyzed that I like a person, that he does the right things, and so on. For about half a year I did not tell my partner about my problem, but I understood that it was not fair: the man has feelings for me, and with all my desire I cannot test them for him at this moment. When we talked, I met with understanding and support, for which, of course, I am grateful, although we have not been together for a long time.
In other cities of Russia, people who are confronted with depersonalization and derealization often do not understand that they are thought to be going crazy with them, and this causes even more stress. In Europe and the USA, doctors have long been familiar with this syndrome and help rehabilitate themselves in a short period of time. In Russia, few are able to make a correct diagnosis, and besides, people often cannot afford treatment - they need medication and psychotherapy. The cost of only one antidepressant per week usually begins with a thousand rubles.
Now I still have the symptoms of depersonalization and derealization - they leave, but slowly; I plan to continue treatment. I understand that this can take five, and ten, and more years, but I know that it can be cured. I plan to study further: I want to graduate from the HSE and go to study abroad - I try to set ambitious goals for myself.
