"When he was little": My child is transgender
There is more and more talk about transgenderness in the world although some issues are still ignored - for example, we know little about the experiences of parents of transgender children and how they build relationships with their grown-up children. Twenty-three years ago, our heroine was told that she would have a girl - but everything turned out differently.
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We have always been a positive, ordinary family: me, my first and only husband and child. Did not quarrel, went together to rest. The child began to speak very early, and by the age of one and a half had already issued complex sentences. When he was little
girl, he identified himself with the wolf from "Well, wait a minute!". He was asked what his name is, and he replied: "Wolf!" Always loved to draw. Of the toys we had mostly plush animals, there was still one Barbie gymnast, but she quickly broke down because she had hinges and sand got into them on the beach. I used to play different stories with toys - I know that he now writes stories, but he does not let me read. It was such a vigorous girl - she drove a bike and fought.
We had no conflicts, it always seemed to me that we had a mutual understanding with the child. Of course, there were problems associated with puberty: it was such a young girl, so she was more friends with the boys, it was difficult to be part of the team. My experiences were hardly very different from the problems of other parents of teenagers: sometimes I didn’t like her tone, the mess in the room, but I was silent and tolerated, knowing that it would pass.
When all the girls in school had to go to cooking classes, and the boys - to programming, she told the director: "Let me be considered a boy." Since I am a feminist, I was not embarrassed. I do not remember that we somehow specifically talked about gender issues, but I think that the general attitude in the family, my reaction and the reaction of my husband to various events influenced her worldview.
Once, when he was sixteen years old, we smoked on the balcony (I realized that it was strange to forbid him while I smoked, so we didn’t hide from each other), and he told me that he considered himself a transgender boy. By that time I had already learned how to voice my confusion, so I answered: “Okay, what do I need to do about this?” He replied: "So far, nothing." I went to study the question. At first I had three options: I thought that either he had some kind of mental illness, or it was such a surge of late puberty to attract attention, or he was bewitched. I checked all three options and came to the conclusion that nothing terrible had happened to him - I just have a transgender child.
He never in society was represented as a boy - neither in the external department, nor in the university. To declare this, you need a lot of inner strength to withstand everything that people can give you back.
Then he could no longer be in the team and left the regular school in externship. I do not know why he was so bad in that class - perhaps because of gender dysphoria. When he came to the external school, he was such a freak: the new classmates did not know anything about his history and there was no need to contact anyone closely. In an ordinary school, everyone perceived him as a girl, a girl with a strange thing - it was probably hard.
My whole life was divided into "before" and "after", so when it comes to time "before", I say "she", when about "after" - "he". Because of this, I find myself in stupid situations - you seem to follow the language, but sometimes you still say it. Recently, I talked so much at the hairdresser - I always said there that I had a son, and then a little girl's hair was braided next to me, and I said: “Oh, I also made braids for my braids”.
He never in society was represented as a boy - neither in the external department, nor in the university. To declare this, you need a lot of inner strength to withstand everything that people can give you back. Therefore, I’m not telling anyone about him - I know a few people at work, only those in whom I am sure. My parents are aware, but my husband’s grandparents don’t know, we decided not to tell them. It turns out to be ridiculous: seven years have passed since the coming out, he is already an adult, he has a job, a personal life, he lives separately and, apparently, because of this new confidence, he sometimes speaks out on family holidays, talking about himself as a man. I, too, because I have long been accustomed to contact him so much. But for some reason this is not noticed, perceived as random reservations, do not ask any questions.
I think that those grandparents who do not know about his transgenderness simply do not know what happens. They think that I am strange, so they are not surprised that the child is the same: short-haired, walks in shapeless clothes. I told my parents about everything simply, over a cup of tea - although I had to first talk a bit about transgenderism in principle. By this time, I already had a hypothesis about why this happened to him - science has some assumptions on this matter. One possible explanation for the origin of transgenderness is the effects of stress on the mother during pregnancy. A large release of adrenaline and cortisol, which occurs around the tenth or twelfth week of pregnancy, when the main centers in the cerebral cortex are laid, can affect the development of the fetus. I was attacked just in time for pregnancy, I think this is the case. I have never had thoughts like "Who is to blame, what to do?" and "Is it really that we raised him badly?". But from people I am afraid of just such a reaction - that they will start accusing me of having raised the child incorrectly. Still, the desire to be a "good mother" is sitting somewhere deep inside of me, so I don’t tell people about it to untested people.
I know other parents of "non-standard" children: I am introduced to them specifically, because in the community I am a positive example of a mother who calmly reacted to this situation - this is the situation, not a problem
My mom and dad were worried at first, and now they calmly relate to this, they in the correspondence call him in the masculine and the name he chose. He changed his last name, because the French name he chose did not fit my last name, although it is gender neutral. It's funny that this is not sad for me - probably because I myself do not present myself on the Internet and in some personal affairs as written in my passport. I don’t even feel sad that I’m unlikely to have biological grandchildren. True, maybe this is only now, while he is twenty-three, and then my attitude will change a hundred times.
All current experiences are trifles compared with what was in adolescence. It was very hard: he cut his hands, he had an auto-aggression. I was constantly afraid that he would go out the window or open his veins in our absence. Compared to this, everything else does not matter. I really want him to be a happy man, to laugh, to go to the cinema, to have friends, to provide himself completely, because for him it will be right - he will feel more confident, stronger. It now takes me the most. Maybe when everything is settled down, I want something else, but so far so.
My husband was much more worried - for the possible reaction of others, for the emotional state of the child. I am more optimistic, I guess. Of course, he had to explain something, but we had no conflicts on this topic. My son and I continue to communicate a lot: about once a week he comes to us, we correspond almost every day. I know his friends, his partner - this is also a transgender boy, rather shy, they lived together for nine months together until we left. The son said: "Mom, your obligatory bowl of soup is dampening." Now they live together, a second cat has recently been brought in - I have never been to visit them, but I plan to go on vacation, to cuddle cats.
Among the friends of his son are many transgender people who are at different stages of transition: those who started hormone therapy, and those who have already done some kind of surgery. My child is just coming to the need for hormone therapy, until he started to take anything. I don’t know about future plans - he will probably do operations, but it’s unclear how many and which ones. From a medical point of view, I discuss with him only what concerns security: I know that many transgender people, on the advice of friends or from the Internet, begin to take hormones on their own, take drugs through acquaintances. Therefore, the only thing I asked him for, even demanded - that he undergo a medical examination, found a qualified endocrinologist who could advise him.
I think that this should be known to parents of any child, not just a transgender person: the most important thing is for the child to be happy, and what exactly he will be, is not for us to decide
He did not graduate from the university, but now he continues to study himself: he does translations, draws and is engaged in web-design. During his career, I do not worry: he himself chose a sphere where everyone doesn’t care who is sitting on the other side of the monitor. I think that many people with whom he communicates on the Web, do not know his story.
I know other parents of "non-standard" children: I am introduced to them on purpose, because in the community I am a positive example of a mother who calmly reacted to this situation - this is the situation, not the problem. Parents are afraid of how society will react, what people will say, and I tell you that everything is not as scary as it seems. My child carried out the preparatory work: before the coming-out, he shoved me various articles about transgenderness, prepared the ground. When I read about it and did not yet know that this applied to me and my family, I also didn’t have a negative - I thought: “Oh, well, how can it be,” but didn’t say that “they are all mentally unhealthy "or" upbringing. " Perhaps that is why my son decided to open up to me - I was convinced that I was adequately responding to these articles. He told me about different situations with his friends: some parents were horrified at first, and then gradually accepted the situation, there are those who react calmly, others reach a complete breakdown of relations.
I think that this should be known to the parents of any child, not only the transgender: the most important thing is for the child to be happy, and it is not for us to decide what exactly it will be. The relationship with children is broken not only because of transgenderness or orientation, but also because of the refusal to marry the person who was approved by the parents, because he chose the wrong way of education, the wrong profession. The classic story: people try to realize in children what they themselves have not achieved. I think everyone should remember this and regularly remind oneself that the main thing is the happiness of the child. I, as a mother, taught him that everything is possible, regardless of whether you are a boy or a girl. What men are entitled to feelings. Probably, these are the two most important principles on which I raised him.
As a man, he also has a hard time: he recently told me that he thinks that a woman will certainly be easier. That is, he made the choice not because it seemed to him that it would be easier - he might have been glad to remain a girl, but he could not. I do not presume to judge, because I have never been anyone else, it is good for me to be me. Perhaps I will call this criticism from other feminists, but it seems to me that he thinks so, because the dual status of women leaves room for slyness. We can always sit in two chairs: here we are feminists, and here we are weak, pay for our coffee. For the rest, a woman is definitely more difficult: society perceives us as weaker, less intelligent, does not take us seriously, there is the problem of a glass ceiling, violence and other things that cannot be written off.
I know for sure that I myself would not want to be a man. But as a mother I was lucky: the child is one, and the experience of raising both a girl and a boy. Although it is still not clear who is bringing up whom: sometimes it seems to me that the child can tell us much more than we can. I tell him about my problems, and he comforts me, gives advice. Sometimes it seems to me that he is older than us. I don’t know if this is related to transgenderism, or if it’s just that. In general, I am very pleased with them - I think he is a good person.
