To tell or not: Girls about what cheating is today
Treason is one of the most difficult for any pair of questions. We are sure that we know the limits of what is permissible and can predict how we will react if we learn that our partner has changed us, but in practice everything turns out to be different. Someone believes that betrayal begins with emotions, with the mere thought that we like the other person more than our partner; and someone does not consider sex with another person to be a betrayal - provided that the partner will not fall in love with a stranger. Monogamy is far from the only form of relationship, which means that the concepts of betrayal and loyalty to which we are accustomed must also change. We talked with five women about whether they had any experience of adultery, where, in their opinion, infidelity begins and whether it is worth telling your partner about adultery.
I betrayed myself and did it with a man who was also not free, and not proud of it. I couldn’t keep the relationship with my husband, whom I cheated on (my parallel relationship lasted more than a year), although he didn’t know about the fact of adultery. I realized for myself that the desire to change, whether it will end in action or not, is a signal that in relations with a partner there is some kind of problem, a lack of something, an unfulfilled need, for which you are going to the side. Sometimes there is a desire and strength to repair old relationships, sometimes not. I had neither one nor the other; by marriage I was completely exhausted and, as it seemed to me, I tried all the options.
Now I understand that it would be more honest to finish one and start a new one. But at that moment I was in an emotional hell and it seemed to me that betrayal, a new feeling would give me energy and joy, in order, first, to distract myself, and, second, with new forces, to begin repairing the marriage that was cracking. Social pressure and own expectations are very strong, we hold on to marriage, because divorce is akin to social stigma, because it is a pity that we have spent our strength and all the time it seems that we need to give the family one more chance.
In your head, you distinguish between family and third-party relationships: it seems like you have a sacred home, and there is only sex, and nothing more. This is all one big deception. You come home from work, turn the key in the lock, and at that moment it’s as if the millstones are scrolling in your head - now you will have to love your husband again. And in the morning you go to work and unwind them in the opposite direction - in the next eight hours you can love the person you want. The more you change, the less you hold on to the old. For example, at home you once again quarrel with your husband, something annoys you, and you think to yourself: “That's why I'm cheating on you!” Such an internal revenge.
It was necessary to find the strength to finish the marriage immediately, when I realized that I could no longer resist new feelings, and most importantly, I did not want to. In fact, probably, my treason was shaking things that should have collapsed sooner or later. Now I have neither an old marriage, nor that second relationship. And the fact that people can be happy in a marriage where someone changes, I do not believe. I realized that I would never change again - this is a terrible, senseless burden.
Treason begins where there is a lie or understatement. Do not do what you can not tell your partner. For example, you want to stay with a friend to spend the night, to watch a movie and bake a cake together, while your husband is on a business trip. If you understand that the husband will strain, and decide that you simply can’t say anything to him, you’re thinking, you have changed, even if this time everything was limited to a cake. Because everything will happen, not this time - so in another. If you know that the husband absolutely does not mind, and you really go for the movie and the cake and more for nothing, and then you come back and tell him what the interesting plot was and how you burned the cake, then everything is fine.
It also happens that you didn’t have to change your thoughts, but your partner constantly suspects you of something, checks the phone, and now you yourself are experiencing, "as if something did not work out." And a natural reaction appears: "Why am I robbed for nothing? If I change, the effect will be the same, and the pleasure will be greater." The more trust in the couple, the less likely betrayal.
I believe that talking about treason rather is not necessary. An adult should evaluate the consequences of his actions. Your treason is your choice, your burden, and your partner did not deserve to unload this burden also on him. Do you want to lead a partner through a moral meat grinder just to lighten your own conscience, so that it will be easier for you, but not for him?
It seems to me that it makes sense to talk about treason only in one case. If you have completely understood yourself, the reasons for your treason, you have come to the conclusion that you want to change yourself, and most importantly, you have decided that you will never change again. If you have fully accepted the responsibility for treason and do not blame the lack of your own willpower on your partner’s shortcomings, fully repent and admit your mistakes. If the partner is strong enough to hear it, and you are ready to do anything to regain his confidence (and this will be long and difficult). Finally, if the goal of this recognition is to return one hundred percent openness in the relationship, and you are ready to invest all the forces in preserving them. In all other cases, it makes sense to diverge.
In an ideal world, monogamy is not the choice of each pair by default, and partners can agree in advance on which form of relationship is right for them. In an ideal world, people who choose monogamous relationships do not change each other when they feel physical or emotional dissatisfaction, but discuss how they can fix and save relationships (and whether they should be kept at all). Accordingly, betrayal in this ideal world is not a gender or political issue, but a matter of trust between partners.
We do not live in a perfect world. We live in a world where the betrayal of men in monogamous relationships has long been considered the norm, where over the past two decades the number of cheating women has increased by 40% and more and more people agree with the third wave feminists that women have the right to enjoy and to independently manage your body. Unfortunately, the level of discussion in pairs does not grow as fast as the infidelity gap is reduced, and few succeed in an open and honest conversation that would prevent betrayal, physical or emotional.
Moreover, due to the taboo topic, conversation is almost impossible at the public level. Few theorists of feminism paid attention to treason, although this is a very complex issue that combines the recognition of sexual desires and competition for the attention of men, empowerment and betrayal of the ideas of sisterhood. It is difficult to concretize the very concept of adultery: firstly, there are studies confirming that men and women react differently to emotional and physical treason, and secondly, the Internet has given us a million different ways to shake partner’s trust, sometimes without even understanding the consequences of action.
Feminism, in fact, gives us a choice - to talk openly about our desires, change or forgive treason, negotiate monogamous or other types of relationships - but we must accept the consequences of this choice. For each relationship, these consequences will be different. I hold an unpopular opinion and do not want to know whether my partner cheated on me; Moreover, it seems to me that “telling the truth” is an exclusively selfish act that makes life easier for the person who has changed and lets you think that he “did the right thing” from an ethical point of view, although in reality he simply shifted the emotional burden onto my shoulders. My own peace of mind is more important to me than knowing who kissed someone after an extra cocktail. There are no box solutions, and the only way to simplify your life is to stop treating treason as a terrible curse that will never touch you, and discuss what you can do and what not in any way. Not the fact that these agreements will save you from a broken heart or from bad decisions, but this is the best that we have.
I changed the former guy once, and in rather exotic circumstances: we were at loggerheads and I went alone (because of this, quarreled) went to travel to a distant hot country, where nothing at all reminded of life in Moscow and everything that was happening seemed unreal . I slept with a local girl who actively pasted me at a party at a party, we both were under the substances, and nothing good came out - sex was not very expected, but then we chatted nicely about dogs.
In the text above, it is noticeable that I found a lot of excuses for myself - but without them, from the very beginning, it seemed to me that I had done nothing terrible. I was sure that I would never see that girl again, there was no emotional connection with her. I did not tell the guy, we quickly reconciled after my return, and for a few more years were satisfied with each other.
Now I have formed a clear position about adultery. First, I believe that the relationship should be discussed with a partner - including to verify that you mean by treason the same thing. It is also a test of adequacy: if a person is confident that a girl should not wear a short skirt or communicate with other men, we are clearly not on the way with him. Secondly, I admit that under the influence of alcohol, drugs or some strong emotional experience, any person can do something that is unusual for him, then regret and never do so again.
The important point: I am sure that after really random sex you don’t have to run and tell your partner about it - it will hurt him and ruin the relationship, and frank confession will only make it easier for the one who nakosyachil. If “the devil has beguiled me” - sit and test the torments of conscience alone, and do not shift your feelings to your partner. Now I’m in a monogamous relationship with a man - and if my boyfriend suddenly gets stoned and goes to bed with someone on a business trip, I’ll be very happy if he, firstly, will be protected, and secondly, he will not tell me about it, if you really want to keep the relationship.
It seems to me that in any case treason is a sign of some psychological problems, but it is not always problems in a couple. For example, I am in a state of any drunkenness remembering about all my complexes and the desire to at least please someone, and I think that my episode in the journey was connected with this. I try to deal with personal pens and their consequences on my own or with a therapist, and if I feel that the problem is in a relationship, I will discuss it with a partner before I want to fill the lack of emotions with someone else.
The word “treason” is quite hard, because there is, for example, “treason to the Motherland”, and it means, in essence, betrayal. Although now there are a lot of married couples who look at fingers to the left through their fingers, because it either doesn’t care about them or only cares under certain conditions. Sex with someone else, and not within the couple, is not considered a betrayal, so the word “betrayal” itself is wrong in such cases. This is exactly what sex is outside of the couple.
The border between the acceptable and the unacceptable goes where there is deception and violation of agreements. By letting someone into our lives, we become vulnerable, violation of agreements strongly beats the sense of security. In this case, agreements are not very real, for example, “you can sleep with others, but you cannot fall in love” - no one knows in advance whether or not to fall in love. Unrealistic agreements are broken especially easily. But worst of all - irreversible consequences, such as a child on the side or getting a positive HIV status due to the adventure of a spouse. It is possible to survive betrayal, it is possible to start a new relationship, but HIV will remain with you forever.
Whether to talk about treason is always a personal choice, and it depends on the goals pursued. Many people talk and blame because they "cannot live like this anymore," and in fact it turns out that they are shifting the decision to the person they have changed, because they themselves only tell, and do not propose solutions. This is a manipulative method, because the injured party is forced to decide for itself whether to part or remain, and in any case, responsibility is shifted to it. Another option: everyone knows about treason, except for the injured party itself, because the one who is changing is not able to keep his mouth shut, and the victims, when everyone finds out, can lose friends. So, if you really want to change and keep the relationship, you need to be silent as partisans and not tell anyone.
My first relationship ended, and the second, respectively, began with my betrayal. These men were, among other things, friends, and in the patriarchal logic of "friends do not change for a woman" - in general, everything was hesitated, no tragedy happened. Then I had a long meeting with the second young man, and one night I met with the first, and we had a strange drunken sex. Looking back, I think that all this was due to the fact that I felt abandoned by a teenager and could not refuse anyone and never, - a known effect. There was no remorse or other torment either: I didn’t love either one or the other and didn’t feel that one of them owed anything. In both cases I immediately informed and suggested that I should disperse, since this was the case, and then I happened to face the fact that everything is not so simple and obvious.
When I was already older, I had a relationship full of emotional and physical violence - as a result, I literally chained myself to a man, and he began to express his need for freedom in all possible ways. Everything became very bad, and he began to periodically meet with another girl, and I tried to get him back. It did not work, and thank God. There was something worse than the fact that my boyfriend had sex with another person: he actively denied my suspicions, then convinced me that I was to blame for everything that happens between us, and it lasted about three months. This time is enough for self-esteem to fall below sea level, and trust has become an unattainable and unnatural category. In general, I now have big problems: I see a reason for jealousy in everything and unknowingly expect that the current partner will sooner or later do the same to me as that person. It is possible to fight this without qualified assistance, but it is very difficult.
It seems to me that the problem with treason is that no one is immune from this, but it’s still necessary to discuss and understand something about it. Maybe, if this happens, you will discuss with your partner the possibility of a more open relationship and you will be happy - or you will admit that this is the end and you better part. Maybe you have completely different limits of permissible, and you need to explain to each other what you think about this issue. It makes no sense to involuntarily and to the detriment of accepting and understanding the beliefs of another person, but to try to hear and understand, as well as convey your point of view is honest and healthy. It is in any case better than hiding, deceiving and bringing a partner.
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