Crash test: What to do if you are in a relationship, but fell in love with another person
In this situation, there were many: you already have a regular partner, but suddenly another person suddenly became very popular - it could be just an acquaintance, a colleague, or, say, a celebrity. Relationships are impossible, and you would not want them, but the feeling flares up against your will. Why did it happen and how to be now? We tell what it is worth thinking about and what can be done.
Do not fight with the feeling itself
To begin, admit that this person attracts you. In fact, there is nothing criminal in attraction in itself: as long as the feeling remains inside of you and is not expressed in any specific actions, it is just a feeling. It may soon pass, and some even manage to enjoy it in this form. In the end, the ability to love is beautiful, much worse when it is not.
If you want to think about why, despite your regular partner, you fell in love with someone else - pay attention to the points below. This is true for those who want to create a happy monogamous couple, and falling in love with another person and especially relations with him threaten to question the already existing partnership - and this would not be desirable. This is especially true if this situation is repeated not for the first time.
Think what exactly attracted you to another person.
What fascinates you about the person you like so much? Perhaps he has some qualities that you have not noticed for a long time in your partner or close friends. This may be passion for work, professionalism, sense of humor, attractive features of your appearance and much more. Think about how unique these characteristics are. And also - why didn’t anyone in your surroundings notice them? Or why did you choose a partner who does not have them? Or maybe they are present, but you no longer seem so bright over time? Remember that nothing prevents to admire the qualities that we liked in another person, "from the side" - and relationships and affection are often based on something more than one trait.
We note, by the way, that we are not always attracted by "positive" features. Often we fall in love with a certain type of problem. If a person looks miserable and restless, the one who is used to comfort and save can pay attention to him. And those who are accustomed to seek love and try to get attention, like a sharp potential partner who rejects or disappears for a while.
Think about whether you are looking for an example to follow.
Sometimes in objects of love we like what we would like to see in ourselves: it is just as cool to do something, to look as confident and calm, to live the same interesting rich life or to have the same high status. There is a theory that at the moment of strong falling in love we see in man a perfect version of ourselves or some part of ourselves.
There is room for creativity. If you find that the object of your feelings has some cool, but so far unattainable qualities for you, it's time to think about how to develop them in yourself or achieve what attracts you in him or her. It is likely that already in the first steps along this path, your love will weaken or disappear altogether: it was needed in order to symbolically “get” the missing characteristics in another person.
Rate whether you want to be treated differently.
Sometimes we are not attracted to the specific traits of the person we fell in love with, but rather his attitude towards us. He is benevolent, listens attentively, treats with interest, and maybe even takes care of him. That is why it is easy to fall under the charm of someone who is in such a role on duty - for example, a doctor, a teacher or a boss. Someone, on the contrary, likes to patronize and take admiration - those who are attracted by younger people or who are in the “younger” role: subordinates, students, and the like (unethical relations of this kind are a separate conversation).
In this case, you might think what this person gives you and what you do not receive from your partner and other relatives. Nobody listened to you so carefully for a long time? Nobody takes seriously your grief and problems? No one has long shared your hobbies? If so, proceed to the next item.
Think about regular conflicts and "sore spots"
If a new love unwanted, potentially threatens your relationship and appeared as if "out of the blue", it makes sense to think about the background of what happened. What happened in a relationship with a regular partner?
Not all couples manage to resolve conflicts in a timely manner and not to accumulate resentment. Some prefer to bypass the "sore spots" as long as possible. However, constant quarrels, which do not lead to the situation changing for the better, also do not contribute to a warm climate in the relationship. Unsolved contradictions undermine the sense of security: from the "safe haven", where you can come with all the problems and anxieties, the couple turns into the source of these very problems and anxieties. And then the feeling of love, security and warmth has to be found somewhere else.
Think what has changed
Any changes in the couple's lifestyle are stress that you need to adjust to. It takes time, and it is perfectly normal: even if the changes were welcome and long-awaited, it does not reduce the side effects. Such stressors can be the birth or loss of a child, the illness or death of someone from relatives or close friends, relocation, the fact that one or both partners change jobs, a sharp change in income (in any direction), a wedding and preparation for it, and sometimes even a long journey.
If stress is caused by grief, both partners have to experience it and at the same time “reconfigure” the communication: not all bring together the difficulties. But even if the changes are neutral or positive, partners need to get used to the new way of life, new responsibilities and roles, and build interaction again. Against the background of increased load (as, for example, in the case of a child being born or moving) it is sometimes difficult to even talk about the changes that have occurred.
See if you have drifted apart.
Because of all of the above, partners may move away from each other. If this happens abruptly, then it is usually experienced very painfully - but, truth, it often passes faster. After a week or two or a month, partners usually notice that something has gone wrong, sit down and talk. But people can perceive a gradual distance almost as a norm, until they discover that they have almost no joint activities, common conversations, habits to go somewhere together, as well as sex and gentle touches.
A more "soft" form of distancing - when there is one or two of these signs: for example, sex and warmth remained, but there was not enough time for talking or visiting. Or vice versa. Against this background, it is easy to fall in love with another person: a space appears between the partners, where the feelings for the third one “fit”.
Think of a partner
If falling in love against the background of problems in a pair is your case and you want to save the alliance, then it's time to “refocus” from it to your regular partner. In such cases, falling in love has certain functions that, in the short term, facilitate the situation. Firstly, it helps to relieve unnecessary tension by including (at least mentally) the union of a third person. Secondly, it allows, as it were, to take from this person the missing in the main pair, while not destroying it. In extreme cases, when a lover begins to hint to a regular partner about feelings for the third, falling in love in such an extreme way helps to attract attention and warm interest in oneself - although, of course, this is not the best option.
Talk with a partner
Should I talk to a partner about feelings for another person? If you have not done this yet, then a general recommendation is more likely not. The temptation to admit everything is great, especially if you lack the attention of your partner and thus you hope to attract him. Or when the partner offended you and the words “I like the other (s)” are intended as a return injection. But if you can, hold on better. This is very hurt, and there is a chance that the partner will not forgive you for this pain. Such words can really hit on trust. In addition, your feelings for another person can become a new source of prolonged conflict.
But what is worth talking about is the problems in the pair, over which love has forced you to think: about unresolved conflicts, distance, lack of attention from the partner, changed roles, infringement of your interests. Instead of shocking confessions, it’s better to say: "I have been wanting to talk with you for a long time, and this is a very serious conversation. Let's not put it off."
Do not build this conversation on reproaches. Tell your partner that the current state of affairs does not suit you and you want to talk about how you can fix it. Try to talk about your feelings: “I feel abandoned when I’m waiting for you from work until midnight every day. It's sad, and I wouldn’t want to go on like this anymore.” I feel like an interesting attractive person. "
A good solution can be a trip to a family psychologist. There are also good self-help books for couples - you can read them together, discuss and do exercises from them. Here are a few examples: "Hold me tight" Sue Johnson, "Both win" Gary Chapman and Jonathan Robinson's "Conflict Love."
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