How not to worry about the opinions of others
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How not to worry about the opinions of others?
Surely you have met people who absolutely do not care what they think about them. They can run to the store in a bathrobe, while you need to dress decently and at least tint the lips, they can dance on the bar, while you allow yourself to nod modestly to the beat of the music, they can easily get hooked to strangers at the next table, so as not to be bored while waiting for a friend, while you bashfully prefer to hide your awkward loneliness with your face buried in a telephone. Perhaps, sometimes it seems to you that these people have the highest degree of freedom, and you so want to once become the same relaxed, easy and reckless person to finally show everyone their long-hidden bright individuality.
Olga Miloradova
psychotherapist
We all exist in society, and for its successful functioning we need a kind of balance. In my opinion, to maintain this balance, there is a much closer understanding that “the freedom of one person ends where the freedom of another begins” than the ability to completely ignore the interests of others. However, this is not only my opinion, for it is not without reason that a psychological concept such as emotional intelligence (emotional intelligence) has arisen, the presence of which is considered a quality extremely useful for social interaction. To put it simply, this concept reflects a person’s ability to intuitively grasp what other people want and need, correctly interpret the situation and influence it in the direction advantageous for themselves. So if you do not have the innate ability to brazenly violate the borders of other people, perhaps this is your advantage, and not at all a cause for concern.
However, since we are talking about the balance: if it comes to the fact that you are practically unable to do something that you want, because the need for everyone to please and everyone likes prevails - then this is a serious cause for concern. Everything can start with trivia: your more assertive friend doesn’t like the new album of your favorite band, and now you are embarrassed to admit that, in your opinion, it is brilliant. Further it seems inconvenient for you to tell your parents that you have been interested in soil science all your life, and to earn their approval, become a manager. Then you are uncomfortable parting with a guy who doesn’t like you very much when, in the opinion of everyone around you, you are a wonderful couple. Such small concealments are in fact a passive form of lying to oneself, and the habit of existing in such a dubious manner and further tends to accumulate like a snowball.
No matter how desirable it is, it’s impossible to please everyone.
Over time, you can, in principle, lose understanding of what decisions were made based on your personal desires, and which ones were out of fear that someone would think something was wrong. The root of all misfortune lies in this phenomenon, which is called the theory of the mind (theory of mind) - a rather useful ability that can lead us too far. The theory of reason gives us the opportunity to understand that our consciousness is not identical to the consciousness of another person: for example, to understand that what we like will not necessarily be liked by someone else. The only problem is that, assuming that someone will like something completely different, we may somewhat forget and begin to take our assumptions as reality. Thus, I bring the theoretical part to an end and proceed to practical advice.
Take control of your imagination, and more specifically - stop all the time to assume for others. What makes you think, for example, that if you put on something bright yellow, you seem to be inappropriately dressed around, but in dark blue clothes you will receive general approval? How did you decide that the boyfriend's parents would like it, if you become modestly silent when you meet them, and if you talk a lot, they will hate you?
We have very few chances to predict the reaction to strangers. First of all, and no matter how much you want it, it’s impossible to please everyone. Secondly, I highly recommend - get over the suspense and learn to relax in front of her face. And the best way to relax is to be yourself, to remain in the very image that you are most comfortable with. Does it make sense, for example, trying to make an impression, put on an unusually short skirt, and then nervously pull it down all the time? Will your report sound better if you try to screw up a couple of “quickening” jokes to achieve better contact with the audience if you can't joke?
Try to love or at least come to terms with your personality.
Despite the fact that in our very human nature there is a desire to imitate, as the main element of training, try to borrow only what is really close to you, and otherwise stick to your independent path. Try to love or at least come to terms with your personality. Remember: no matter how hard you try, people will think what they think, you are not a telepath to control someone else's mind. And it is normal that we may not like someone at first glance, or even not at all. Despite the common expression that the first impression is the most correct, think how many percent does it work in real life? You are always at first glance able to predict whether a person has a sense of humor? How smart is he? Is he vulnerable? Does he run in the morning, after all? We often tend to juggle with the facts over time, which is promoted by our so pliable memory. It now seems to you that at first glance you felt that you would be together, and what did you actually experience at that very first glance? Indifference? Vague interest?
And most importantly, what you should remember for your peace of mind is that most people simply do not care. Yes, it may be a big blow to your self-esteem, but most people don’t care for you, at least until you have a real influence or participation in the lives of these people. But even then most of the thoughts of these people will be directed to something relating to themselves, passed through the lens of their own self. After all, all your experiences about who and what will think about you - this is exactly the same egocentrism.