"Gone from the abyss": People about how they decided not to divorce, although they wanted

According to Rosstat, people in our country are very often divorced: in 2017, for example, more than a million marriages were registered - and more than six hundred thousand divorces. In modern society, marriage is no longer perceived as the only and certainly mandatory form of relationships. But marriage in Russia is still often considered sacred, and divorces are usually condemned. That is why the dissolution of the marriage is more difficult than the usual parting: property and financial issues arise, parents dramatically divide children or agree with a scratch who and to what extent will support and educate them.

It happens that in the process couples still decide to stay together. We talked with those who almost got divorced, but then decided to “save the family” - about why it happened, how much this decision was influenced by traditional attitudes and whether it was worth it.

Interview: Elena Barkovskaya

Kirill

My wife and I have been together for more than fifteen years. We have always had a very close relationship: besides the fact that we are husband and wife, we have always been best friends. I will not say that everything was always smooth - we quarreled, of course, but because of some household nonsense, we never spoke seriously about parting.

Everything changed a few years ago, after the birth of his son - there were quite new problems. Although at first everything was fine: the pregnancy itself was experienced in tenderness, love and expectation of a miracle. I remember going to courses for future parents, buying furniture and things, preparing for the appearance of the most important person in life. After giving birth, the duties were divided, we went to the doctors together. In the first sleepless nights, we helped and supported each other.

But gradually, tiredness and tension began to affect the relationship: more and more complaints began to appear, discontent that someone was doing less than the other. All this was accompanied by chronic sleep deprivation and crying of the child. My wife started postpartum depression, there were fears for the baby. She was tormented by lack of implementation, she said that my work was almost a holiday for me. It was a hell of a shame to me, since I took everything I could as much as possible: I put on, fed, constantly offered my wife to meet with her friends and have fun.

Then my wife remotely went to work, and from time to time I began to work from home. But it brought only new problems: we quarreled, could not find a compromise, upset each other. That's when we first started talking about divorce. Let theoretically - the point is that we started this conversation.

It was clear that we have changed and everything around us has changed: we no longer had those opportunities to maintain relationships, which can be used when there is no 18 month old child in our arms. We could not rest in peace, because we were worried about how the son would take the flight. We could not sit until the morning with a bottle of wine and chat as before, because in the morning, in any case, we must get up and practice the child. We didn’t have time to really talk about relationships, since it’s difficult to talk with a child, and it’s not desirable. And when he sleeps, he himself dreams to take a nap. It got to the point that we could start a quiet conversation and then yell at each other in a loud voice, clinging to some trifle, such as dirty floors or laundry.

Rescued us, perhaps, two things. The first is the child himself: he united and pleased us; In addition, we were aware of the damage that our fights could do to him. The second is that we, in spite of everything, still “turned on our heads” and tried with all our might to find an opportunity to preserve relations, openly and honestly talking about it. We were looking for options: for example, clearly prescribed who did what to be objective. They read aloud the book "Child Testing" together - it is about how to maintain a relationship after the birth of the first child. We tried to praise each other for deeds and actions. We restrained when we wanted to swear: we left disassemblies until the evening, but in the evening the problem could become irrelevant or we would cool down. In the end, our relationship gradually began to level off.

At that time I experienced a variety of feelings. But above them, I tried to put a reasonable one: with a cool head I evaluated the pros and cons of our divorce. The disadvantages were huge and sick: losing a person with whom I lived for many years, harming my son (because I saw how he was going through if we figure out the relationship), basic problems with housing and, accordingly, with money and opportunities for the child. And if we talk about feelings, then in the end marriage helped to preserve love - only when a child appeared, did it transform from the love of two people into the love of a family.

I will not say that now everything is perfect (and even when it is perfect), but it seems to me that we are already far from the abyss. Of course, I understand that we will not have such relations as before. And, probably, this is good - we have moved to a new stage.

Irina

Kostya and I have been together for more than twenty years. He was a friend of my brother and often came to visit us. He paid me attention, brought sweets, we walked with him. Four years went to marriage in small steps - one day he said: "We have to go to one place to apply." So we got married.

My husband always treated me warmly, we never raised our voices on each other. I remember the only time I called him a fool, so he still remembers it. One of the difficult periods in our life was connected with the fact that my husband started playing in a casino, lost all his money and savings - as we got out, God only knows. Then I did not think about divorce, but I wanted to help him - after our next conversation, he started to play.

But this period does not compare with the most difficult time in our marriage - it has come when our daughter was born and repair began. Kostya brought the apartment in a "rough" look, and that was it: he had no desire to do anything further. It was very hard emotionally: the child was growing up, the repair did not move, we constantly lived in the mud. This went on for several years. At some point, conversations on heightened tones began, we shouted at each other. So we were on the verge of divorce: I wanted to live clean and tidy, but my husband did not want to do this and did not want to hire someone. I thought that if I didn’t leave the house now, everything could end in a divorce, so I packed up, took the children, and we moved in with my brother. I am happy that he supported and accepted me.

I still think that this was the right decision. After that, the husband took up the repair: completed the ceiling, maybe soon we glue the wallpaper. Even the fact that it happened, I am very happy. I see how he tries to make us together again. And I try myself: I work on several jobs, so that the money he earns goes only for repairs. Relations have improved, now everything is quiet. The fact that we went to different houses on time helped to preserve the relationship.

Probably, even if you swear a hundred times, the feeling of love and the desire to be together still remain. No matter how angry I am, I wake up in the morning and understand that the family makes me happy.

Vera

With Seryozha, we have been married for ten years. Our acquaintance was very strange, and, probably, I took it as a sign from above. We walked with our younger sister in the park and argued - I don’t remember how it all began, but in the end I said that I’m not afraid to meet guys. Then my sister asked me to approach the two young people who were sitting on a nearby bench. It was dark, and already getting closer, I regretted that I argued: outwardly, I did not like any of them. I do not remember what we were talking about, but this did not last long; Soon my sister and I went to the subway. At the exit from the square, my future husband caught up with me and asked for a phone number, but I refused. Then he asked where I live. I replied that it was not long, and called the metro station. He said he lives there too. Then it turned out that we live on the same street, in the same house and in the same staircase - and our apartments are one above the other. In the end, we went home together. In the evening he called me for tea.

Then everything was boring: Seryozha worked a lot, I studied. He gave me the keys to his apartment, where I could quietly write coursework and prepare for lectures - I lived in a rented apartment with my sister and nephew-teenager. At Seryozha in the apartment I felt like a hostess, and he liked that they took care of him. On weekends we walked in the parks, and this was probably the happiest time: we fool around like children, rode rides, went to cafes.

By the end of the fifth year, I began to wonder how to arrange life further. I earned money, but not by profession - this money would not be enough to rent a house myself, but I could no longer live with my sister. At the same time, I did not want to move to Seryozha, without being painted. In addition, if my parents found out about this, then most likely they would stop communicating with me. Yes, I was very afraid of that. Therefore, in fact, I put Seryozha before the fact: either we are getting married, or after the institute I am leaving for my small homeland. You could say she made him an offer.

We got married, and immediately after the wedding I got pregnant. The pregnancy proceeded hard: at any load the bleeding started and I was taken to the hospital. I had to quit my job and stay at home all the time - and this was where the problems started. Sergei wanted to still walk, have fun, meet with friends, but I could not. Sometimes he went to clubs with friends, and I was left alone. For resentment I just tore apart, I was constantly crying. Because of the threat of termination of pregnancy, we didn’t have sex - it turned out to be a test for him, but I didn’t have time for that. I became jealous of him, suspected of treason, making scandals. But Seryozha only aggravated all this, began to drink on weekends - sometimes to unconsciousness.

All this continued after the birth of her daughter. I doted in her soul and just did not give it to her husband - she said that he was wearing her wrong clothes, changing the diaper, washes. I was covered: hormones were walking, some aggravated maternal instinct awoke in me. I was annoyed when my husband took his daughter in his arms, everything was burning in my chest. Now I understand that this was a huge mistake: I distracted him from my distrust of his desire to participate in raising my daughter and everything fell on my shoulders. Plus, after giving birth, I recovered very strongly, and it seemed to me that my husband was disgusted with me. It was all like a snowball. Each of his booze or party with friends ended in scandals. I just started to leave home, went to my parents, and then I offered him a divorce: I thought it was easier.

I was hurt and scared. I constantly blamed myself, I just ate from the inside - I thought that I had made him marry, that I myself just felt sorry for him, so I got married. But he once told me that if he had not loved me, he would never have gone for it. Simply, he is a secretive man, and I, on the contrary, emotional.

Thanks to the parents for not bothering with advice, not taking someone's side. That they sat us at the negotiating table, told a lot of examples from their lives and the lives of relatives. We lived separately for two and a half months, made a break. My parents helped with my daughter, my husband came to us, visited on weekends, walked with her a lot. We were helped by rest from each other, and also the experience of the parents helped, the fear that it would be a serious injury for the daughter. Probably, all this saved our family from divorce. As a result, we left the big city - abandoned friends, relatives, all the "advisers". So if now we are quarreling, then there is no one else to run to, it is still necessary to put up and go to bed. Now Seryozha rarely drinks (just no one) and quit his old job - this is important, there sometimes he disappeared before night.

It’s probably harder to talk about feelings, and I don’t remember much. Then there was fear, uncertainty, confusion: are we doing the right thing, that we are keeping a family, that we decided to move, abandoned everything? After all, do not run away from yourself. But at the same time, we believed that we could cope with emotions, with pride and selfishness.

Now we have two children. After the birth of the second, I try to behave differently: I go to the movies with my girlfriend, for a manicure and leave the children to my husband, although I only think about how he will cope. But copes well! I am very glad that we have kept the relationship. Even more I say: now my feelings are much stronger. Now I am afraid of losing him, for me he is the most dear person.

PHOTO: Bernardaud

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