"Cunning out every day": Homosexual couples about blogging and homophobia
In the English-speaking Internet space Gay couples blogs are common, well-known actors, designers and musicians keep accounts in this format. In RuNet, the situation is much more complicated: because of the high level of intolerance, many prefer not to disclose the details of their personal lives. We asked Russian-speaking homosexual couples about how they met, why they started blogs and how it changed their lives.
Julia Dudkina
"Our world"
Katya and Zhanna
Two girls live in Kiev and are engaged in animal rescue. In their videos, they tell how to take the cats for an overexposure, treat and find new owners for them - and at the same time answer subscribers' questions, debunk the myths about lesbian couples and just record videos about their lives.
Katya
Zhanna and I met on the Internet. At that time I lived in London, and she - in Kiev. Four months later we met for the first time, and then there were several years of relations at a distance. I flew to Kiev once every two months, and the rest of the time we missed each other. Now almost not separated. Two years ago we officially married in Sweden. Of course, we documented the whole process for our channel.
In general, before we met, I never thought that I would record videos. I never knew how to behave in front of the camera, to talk. But Jeanne had her own beauty channel, and she dealt with them seriously, and now she does.
At some point, we decided that we should publicly tell people about our relationship. After all, gay couples have so many stupid stereotypes. For example, that lesbians should somehow look special. Jeanne does not match the common image - she is feminine, neat, with long hair. Therefore, in the comments people constantly write that she will leave me to the peasant, that in fact she is not a lesbian.
Jeanne
They also constantly write: “Get children”. Even those who have nothing against LGBT people are outraged: as so, two girls do not want to have children. And we are childfree, we are much more interested in animals. We have five cats and we are engaged in animal breeding.
They also write: "Get out", "You are corrupting children." Send huge quotes from the Bible. I do not understand what is the point. You might think we read the Bible, immediately cease to be lesbians and run away. Once they began to threaten that they would come to Kiev and hunt me down. I work in a famous beauty salon, and it is really easy to find me. So it was unpleasant. But in the end, no action followed the threats. In general, we are accustomed to insults: when you decide to talk about yourself on the Internet, people inevitably begin to label you, invent stories. They constantly write to me that I have "everything from silicone". Do not worry about it.
Damaster_life
Denis and Anton
“We treat homophobia” - so two confectioners from Minsk formulated the main idea of their instagram account. Denis and Anton together bake incredible cakes, build a business and write small notes about how a LGBT couple lives in a country with a high level of intolerance. They also talk about their everyday lives, share stories about relationships and share beautiful joint photos. All together, this adds up to an information blog that can be flipped for hours.
Denis
We met in 2012 and immediately got together - after six months we started living together. In 2013, we both got carried away with the cooking show "The King of Pastrymen" on TLC. I used to know how to cook - I studied at a culinary college. But now we are both interested in cakes. Thanks to the TV show, we saw that there was nothing so complicated in their preparation and you can do amazing things yourself. In 2014, we opened our own coffee shop. There were workshops, holidays. True, the room was located on the outskirts of the city, and even in the courtyard of the house - not the most passing place, so the coffee house did not enjoy special popularity and did not bring much profit. Three years later we got into huge debts. I had to sell the premises. After that, we had practically nothing left: we had to part with our own real estate in order to pay off debts. But we still had our brand, and we decided to go online. Now we make cakes to order - for weddings and big holidays.
In parallel, each of us has our own work. For example, I work in the Belarusian State Philharmonic and soloist in the State Chamber Choir of the Republic of Belarus. This is my calling, and I will not leave him. And cooking for me is both a hobby and a craft that makes money. After all, vocation and craft are not always the same.
When we sold the coffee shop, we not only started promoting our brand, but we also started another joint project - an educational gay blog. We want to explain to people that we are not from another planet. Explain that we have an ordinary, loving family. We focus not only on the LGBT community, but also on those who know nothing about it. As a rule, on LGBT websites, all information is presented as if “for one’s own.” There is a vocabulary, understandable only by "their". But if we want society to become more tolerant, we need to talk about everything in an accessible and simple way.
Anton
I also have a job besides making cakes - I work in a large restaurant. Although Belarus is not very tolerant of LGBT people, we rarely directly face homophobia - we both have professions where it doesn’t surprise anyone if you are dating a guy. There is a popular stereotype that there are many LGBT people in the creative professions. Of course, this is just a stamp, but sometimes it works in our favor.
We both grew up in small cities, and there, of course, it was more difficult. In adolescence, constantly in the eye will give, then on the nose. But we try not to consider ourselves victims of homophobia. In the end, adolescents poison each other, not only because of sexual preferences, but also because of their appearance, and because of the figure. So during school years, a person risks suffering from intolerance, even without being gay.
Our brand appeared earlier than the gay blog. Many clients and acquaintances did not know what to think about us: someone perceived us as a couple, someone just guessed. People rarely ask about such things directly, so everyone turned to our friends and relatives with questions. Now, when we have Damaster_life, everything is clear about us. It was like coming out.
In the summer we are going to conclude an official marriage in Denmark. When we do this, we want to write a detailed guide for readers: how to legitimize relationships, without resorting to the services of expensive agencies, how much money you need to spend on it, where to start. In general, the main idea of our account is education. We are often written by teen mothers: "I used to be homophobic and afraid, what if my child once made a coming out? Now I understand that there is nothing wrong with that." They complain that they lack adequate information. LGBT people are not told in schools, they do not make social videos. We want people to know more. There are gay couples who do not talk about their relationships with colleagues, do not go on dates in public places, because they are afraid of condemnation. I want this to change.
"Dima Bear"
Dima and Lyosha
At first, the YouTube channel belonged to Dima, and basically there were just videos with jokes and pranks. But when Dima met Lesha and made a coming-out, young people began to record sincere videos about accepting themselves, relationships with relatives, funny and difficult moments in life - for example, about how Dima's father wanted to take him to the temple "cast out demons ".
Dima
I created the channel back in 2011, but it wasn’t particularly popular - I just made funny videos with my friends. But when I met Lesha, we wanted to do something socially significant together: after all, our vlog is not only about LGBT people, but simply about our life.
Sometimes it happens that representatives of the LGBT community, who are watching our channel, seem to be building some expectations. They turn to us: "You represent the Russian LGBT community, you must ..." But this is also unpleasant. Still, first of all, this is my blog, and I tell in it about what I want. Part of our content is socially significant. For example, we talk about safe sex, masturbation, anal sex. After all, many people do not understand this, because of this, they may be ashamed of themselves or fall into dangerous situations. But we also have a lot of fun videos about our adventures and trips.
The first few months, the number of subscribers grew, but the haters did not appear. We even wondered at this. On the contrary, many thanked, wrote that we helped them to come out. But at some point, of course, homophobes appeared - they began to leave angry comments. And, as a rule, they have nothing to do with the videos themselves - it’s immediately obvious that the commentator didn’t even watch the video.
Lyosha
But this is not very offensive. It is much more offensive when other LGBT people begin to criticize. For example, some people write that we are too mannered, and because of this, the stereotype in society strengthens, as if all gays are faking. They say that people should be shown that gays are "muzhiks". In general, this word seems a little strange to me. And why pretend to be someone?
We were surprised when we realized that many of our subscribers are much older than us - they are respectable people of thirty or forty years old. Not students like us. Once we arranged a meeting for subscribers and, seeing a group of such "adult" people, did not even understand that they had come to us.
Life_radio
Alyona, Ksyusha and Yang
For two years Alyona and Ksyusha maintained relationships at a distance. One lived in Germany, the other - in Russia. Even when they were officially married, they could not get together for a whole year, but once Alyona was finally able to reunite with her wife. More than ten years have passed since then, the couple are raising a son named Yang and telling in their blog how the LGBT family lives with a child in Germany.
Alyona
Ksyusha and I have been together for almost thirteen years. When we met, I lived in Russia, and she lived in Germany. I then blogged on LiveJournal and once wrote a short post that I learned how to make paper cranes - I really wanted to share my joy. Only Ksyusha answered: "Teach me, I also want happiness!" After that, we began to communicate constantly.
Ksyusha is a photographer, and I gave her first camera to her for our wedding. Now it is thanks to her that I have so many beautiful photos on instagram. Here are just two or three of us taking a picture with a child is not so easy.
First of all, my account is a personal blog, a continuation of the diary that I kept on LiveJournal. But it is also a social project. When I began to openly write in it about my life and relationships, I began to receive a lot of comments. Someone thanked - for example, other members of the LGBT community. Someone, on the contrary, for the first time in his life came across a real lesbian. These people began to repeat phrases that are so popular in an intolerant society: for example, writing that homosexuality is against nature. This is despite the fact that in nature it is found in four hundred and fifty species of animals. In the end, I realized that my blog is important not only for me, but also for other people. I mean not only LGBT families. I hope that thanks to this instagram many will find out that we are the same people, do not eat babies for breakfast, drink the same coffee in the morning and read the same bedtime stories.
Sometimes people write and admit that they have subscribed to me to laugh like some kind of strange beast. They apologize and thank me for having found something in my blog for myself. Now they see in us first and foremost a family - no longer the essence, same-sex or not. It is very important.
Sometimes people ask tactless questions, violate personal boundaries. They ask: "And how do you feel about the photos of children in social networks? And if your child grows up and realizes that the Internet already knows everything about him?" Or: "How did your parents react to your marriage?" Usually such messages are watered with sugary syrup of concern, seasoned with a thousand apologies. But in the end it creates the feeling that in fact you are being taught, and you have to make excuses. Many people think that since you blog and speak openly about your life, it means that they can write anything to you.
Yes, it's true
Masha and Natasha
In this video blog, two girls from Kiev debunk the myths about lesbipar and answer the most popular questions. With jokes, they explain why an LGBT couple doesn't necessarily have to be a “muzhik” and how to avoid tactlessness if you are dealing with a homosexual couple.
Masha
At first I thought it would be my personal channel related to my travel blog - tripfoodmania. I recorded the first video and explained in it that from now on this is my lifestyle-channel. I wanted to be as honest and open as possible to the subscribers, so that in the next video I came off. After that, we thought that we could have a channel together, especially since there is little such content in Ukraine. We spend a lot of time together, and Natasha would in any case often appear in my videos. So it seemed like a logical step to combine efforts.
At first we thought it would be just a vlog about our life. But gradually people began to ask more and more questions about LGBT people, and we decided to engage in enlightenment. We are supported a lot. There are also homophobic comments, but we try to go on a dialogue with all subscribers and explain to them what they might not understand.
We have two goals. The first is personal. Collect video archive, which we will then be able to review and nostalgic. I'm sure when I become elderly, it will be interesting for me to look at myself in my youth.
Natasha
The second goal is to fight stereotypes about LGBT people. Many people do not even know how this abbreviation stands for. We use our own example to show that our relationships and life are not very different from the way heterosexual couples live. Many people say that they have already changed their attitude towards LGBT people, just by watching how we live.
When Masha kept her regular blog, I told her that it was time to start a YouTube channel. She already had her own audience, and it seemed to me that it was logical to start producing more video content. When she invited me to do a vogue with her, I immediately agreed. We recorded the first video in Odessa. We went there to celebrate our anniversary. I remember that we were very worried then: it was unusual to walk around the city with a video camera and record our thoughts and impressions.
Now we are already beginning to learn. Recently, walking around the city, we met our subscriber. We hugged, and she thanked us, said that we give hope. After these words, you begin to understand how important it is to talk about LGBT topics to those who live with you in one country.
August4me
Zhenya, Nastya, Emil and Emma
Zhenya and Nastya come from Khabarovsk. There they began to meet, and there they had their first child - Emil. After the law “on gay propaganda” was passed in Russia in 2013, it became uncomfortable and dangerous to remain in his native city: faced with threats and attacks, Zhenya and Nastya decided to emigrate. By that time, they were already waiting for their second child - daughter Emma. Instagram August4me leads Zhenya, but Nastya and children are regular participants of all photos and posts. Zhenya sincerely talks about emigration, about how the family had to go through refugee camps and legal difficulties in order to live peacefully in the end, and simply tells stories from life.
Zhenya
I made my first Instagram account a long time ago. It was just a personal blog with photos that my friends subscribed to. After a few years, I realized that I wanted to make it more public so that different people subscribe to it, and not just those I know. Russia is a rather intolerant country, where it is difficult to find information about LGBT, if you are not in the subject. Many lesbians at a young age think that their only way to have a family and have a child is to get married and have sex with a man. I decided that I would speak in simple language about my experience in order to support those who lack information. Now there are a lot of moms who are trying to find a common language with their daughters who have come out. They want to understand their relatives, and we help them in this.
Of course, my family and I received threats, were subject to cyberbullying. At first it all really hurt, but now we have grown armor. True, it is sometimes difficult not to lose my temper, especially when they start writing about children. For example, I was recently asked: "What will you do if your children grow up and have sex with each other?" Why do they even ask me such questions? There are many heterosexual families where stepbrothers and sisters live under the same roof. They do not ask about this. Obviously, people just believe that in same-sex families "depravity is created."
Fortunately, when we moved from Russia, we at least stopped receiving threats: in Germany, a person will be responsible for such insults before the law. Of course, there are many tourists and immigrants from Russia and from other conservative countries. They may look askance, but we do not feel the pressure.
True, there is another problem. Стоит тебе сказать где-нибудь, что у тебя есть жена и дети, все начинают восклицать: "Ах, как это здорово! Какие вы молодцы! У меня вот тоже есть знакомые геи… " Это называется позитивная дискриминация. Да, любой, кто живёт в России, скажет, что мы просто зажрались. Но на самом деле даже такое внимание иногда утомляет. Если бы я говорила "У меня есть муж", никто бы на это не реагировал. Мне не хочется, чтобы меня выделяли из толпы - я за то, чтобы люди понимали, что я от них ничем не отличаюсь.It seems that every day I have a coming-out - both in the blog and on the street, I have to see surprise again and again, to explain something to myself.
I am glad that nothing threatens our lives. My followers and followers constantly seek help, advice and support. There is a story of girls who were raped in the park when it became known that they were lesbians. And they killed their dog. Recently, I think, if I do not want to study as a psychotherapist, I would like to help people, but so far there is not enough resources and knowledge. And just to live with all these stories is very difficult.