Do not be a savior: How to live with a person who has a mental disorder
Everyone who tried to build long-term relationships, knows that it is not easy. And if this partner struggles with depression or other difficulties, it can become even more difficult. We talked with several people whose partners had different mental disorders, about how this experience was - and how to maintain a caring attitude to the partner without losing ourselves.
Interview: Ellina Orujova
Alyona
With my husband, we studied together at the institute, it all began as an ordinary student romance. In the fifth year they got married, two years later a daughter was born. Schizophrenia manifested itself in him after the birth of the child. It is difficult to say when, because diseases of this kind do not have a clear start, it is impossible to say for sure when a breakdown occurred. The first acute attacks occurred when the daughter was not yet two years old. He said strange things, was going to leave home, but did not know where and why. I clearly remember that I immediately thought that I needed to call an ambulance and put him in the hospital. I was not afraid, rather I felt sorry for him - I felt compassion and sympathy.
In psychiatry, the diagnosis is not determined immediately, that is, you cannot look at a person and say that he has such a disorder. In the first attack, when a person behaves strangely, hears voices in his head, or sees hallucinations, doctors put acute polymorphic psychotic disorder (it develops suddenly, but quickly fades away. - Note ed.). Then the patient is observed, he visits the doctor, is tested by a psychologist. In our case, the diagnosis took about five years.
We had a period when the husband refused treatment, although schizophrenia requires ongoing maintenance therapy. Often drugs cause side effects, and people drop them. When you stop taking medicines, you get a feeling of lightness, euphoria, good mood, there is an illusion that the pills are harmful and a person is better off without them. The person becomes stronger in this opinion, but the state is reeling, euphoria and joy become already uncontrollable, develop into other strange actions. After the second similar attack, the husband realized that he needed treatment.
Relatives and friends, of course, worry: "How is it, such a young guy ..." My friends know that there is no fear or rejection. It seemed to her husband’s mom that everything is an only child, and such a difficult condition means that we should put a cross on life. At that time, my husband studied in graduate school and had to defend his thesis. They said: "Well, what kind of a dissertation, let him choose something simpler, check the counters in the apartments ..." But in the end he defended his dissertation, and everything was fine.
The first acute attacks occurred when the daughter was not yet two years old. He said strange things, was going to leave home, but did not know where and why
During the first hospitalization, we were faced with the distrust of acquaintances, they say, well, a strange man behaved, why go to the hospital right away. As if it was a punitive institution, they put you there as a punishment, and not to help. In our country it is not at all customary to say that there are mental illnesses, but what is unknown always scares.
We hide the disease from unfamiliar people so that there is no stigma on the child. But there is no secret from the daughter herself. Even when she was little, we explained that Dad had problems with his mood, he could be in the hospital and stay there for a long time. It was said that if she wants to discuss it with someone, it is better to talk with us. She is now eleven, and she treats the disease calmly. This is an ordinary fact, over which you can even joke. Once we watched a series about a detective with schizophrenia, and my daughter says: "Dad, look, uncle is just like you, only you are not a detective story."
There is such a notion of "codependency" - when a person controls a sick relative, watches over the intake of drugs, even adds them to food. In such families there is no calm atmosphere, it is very depressing and takes a lot of spiritual resources. At first I tried to ask: "Did you give an injection? Did you eat pills?" - and then I came to the conclusion that it was his illness, and if he was not treated, he would have consequences. Now I do not control my husband, I do not need it. I worry when his condition worsens, when he complains of some symptoms. But I would also worry if my husband had a cold, poisoned himself.
It has always been important for me to approach this aspect of life calmly. The name of the disorder for me is the cipher in the card. The main thing is that a person’s condition is stable and calm, that he takes medicines and has minimal side effects. The only thing I was afraid for the heredity of the child, but over time and this fear passed.
If you make tragedy out of illness, it will be the tragedy of a lifetime. And when you perceive frustration as something that causes inconvenience, but with what you can cope, then everything will be ok. Yes, schizophrenia is not treated. But diabetes, for example, too, and diabetics inject insulin every day. There is no point in worrying about it every day.
It happens that people suffer a lot because of the disorder of their relatives, they devote their whole relative to their sick relative, forgetting about themselves. One of my friends has a son, and she once said to me: "For five years my husband and I did not go on vacation, we cannot leave the child." Of course, this is such a difficult life, often such families become isolated or close in themselves. When a person lives only with feelings about his sick relative, he can easily get depressed or have a traumatic disorder. We lead a normal family life: the husband works in two jobs, we raise a daughter, we go to the sea, we go to the cinema, to the bars.
It is important that partners discuss the disease. Someone is ready to be treated, someone is not. In aggravation, the person feels special, he likes it, and he does not want to lose this feeling. Are you ready to live with such a person? I would also advise you to weigh the financial possibilities: it is possible that the partner will be incapable for a long time. In psychiatry, hospitalization lasts a very long time (once my husband was in the hospital for three months), at this time the person will not work, and you will have to support him. You need to weigh your strength, be honest with yourself and your partner. In no case do not put life on the altar of the disease, do not make it the center of your life, do not try to be a savior or a hero.
When I went to visit my husband in a psychiatric hospital, I was the only wife; mothers and grandmothers went to the rest. For those who are sick, there are hospitals, psychotherapists, free medications. And for relatives, there is no help; they find themselves in a certain vacuum. My husband and I joined the same public organization, began to gather groups to help relatives. We are doing this now.
Paul
A few years ago, I got to the party dedicated to February 14th. There I met my now ex-girlfriend. Began to talk, nothing unusual. But after some time she started having bouts. Some kind of trigger worked, and in order to drown him, she inflicted damage on herself. It lied to me that it was an accident, I tried to hide it, but I understood everything. Then we began to deteriorate relations, the symptoms of her disorder began to show even stronger - whether I began to notice them, or if everything really went on increasing. She talked about some flashbacks that hurt her, that she physically feels them and suffers from it. She complained of hallucinations.
Against the background of declining health, she began to lie to me, and after another lie, I decided that we should break up. The day after, she decided to commit suicide, then went to a psychiatric hospital. She spent several months there; she was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I realized that she had problems, suspected that the gap could affect her so much, but did not know how to end the relationship so that she did not try to do it. I supported her - I could not leave a person in such a serious condition. After her discharge, we also talked, saw each other, but as friends. She is now taking medication, and she is better.
I think if I were given the choice to enter into this relationship or not, I would refuse. Because in many respects it was a negative experience, both for me and for her. I do not want it to be like that. You need to be prepared for completely unexpected acts of man. You need to be very careful in your words and actions, focus on the state of a person, so as not to provoke him to rash actions.
It was my most difficult relationship. I now very carefully approach the choice of a couple, so far I have not had a permanent girl, although almost two years have passed. It is hard for me, I meet people, I see similar things in them, and I cannot do anything. I am probably afraid.
Vera
We met in 2014 through a mutual friend. Communicated only on the web, both were interested in programming. He immediately said that he had schizophrenia - I reacted normally, because I knew something about her. Then I invited him to meet, we walked. I understood that this person feels me very thinly, I was interested with him, despite the fact that he was two years younger than me. He was well-read - I have never met any peers or people older than myself who would be so smart and could answer any question I asked. Perhaps this is what he drew me to. We saw each other in early March and started dating in May. For me it was an important step: I understood that a person had a serious condition, and for a long time thought whether to agree on a relationship or not.
According to him, it was noticeable that he has schizophrenia - I do not know how to explain it. My mother often insulted his appearance, but then resigned because she thought that sooner or later it would end. Friends reacted negatively to him, only two of my friends accepted our relationship, also hoping that we would part.
He had delusional ideas: he wanted to materialize the anime character, created some devices, said that with the help of mechanisms it is possible to put a drawing into life. He convinced that the heroine would soon materialize, be with us. He said: "If something happens to me, you will be for her mother. And we will meet the New Year three together." I never believed, but I tried not to refute his ideas. Brad permeated his whole life - he could even start something absurd on the street, while remaining completely calm, sincerely believing that all this was true.
It was not schizophrenia that hindered our relationship. We understood each other, supported, we just had different interests and views on life
It happened that we came to some place, they escorted us, or started to laugh. I remember we were at a flea market in the center of the city, approached the seller, and he began to scoff openly. My boyfriend at that moment was under the influence of the drug and therefore reacted a little inhibited. The seller called him. People looked askance in the subway. When I saw girls who met people, which showed that they had some peculiar psyche, I was proud that they had the strength to be close.
The partner was not treated, took psychoactive substances. Several times I confronted him with a choice between me and drugs. Sometimes he chose drugs, however, even if he chose me, nothing changed. He secretly continued to use, I often knew about it, but was silent - it was a complete co-dependency.
Somewhere after more than two years, he betrayed me - first once, then the second, I forgave everything. At the end of this spring, he found himself a girlfriend on the Internet, and we finally said goodbye. Subsequently, we talked with that girl, they also very quickly broke up. I am grateful that she helped complete the relationship. It was bad for me and him, but we could not finish it.
It was not schizophrenia that hindered our relationship. We understood each other, supported, we just had different interests and views on life. He did not see the point in the usual idea of a family where there is a wife, husband, work, children and all that. And for me it was a priority, than to use prohibited substances. If I could change something in this relationship, I would have less psychological violence on him. I put pressure on him, manipulated him, blackmailed me, could not accept the idea that he was simply not suitable for me.
We sometimes communicate, because he remained dear to me. When people are just friends, it’s easier to accept each other as you are. After this relationship, my view of the world changed, I got rid of some stereotypes. I think that one should never judge a person on the basis of his own system of values.
In the eleventh grade, I did not know what I wanted to do, and he was fond of psychology and psychiatry. I realized that I was also interested, regardless of whether we were together or not. Now I am studying for a clinical psychologist, I'm in my third year.
After going through this experience, I can not advise anyone to begin a relationship with a person with a mental disorder. I once talked to a woman whose son was in a psychiatric hospital. He was completely healthy, served in some troops, and then went on a vacation, and something happened to him. Then the woman said to the daughter-in-law: "If you leave now, I will not say anything. You are young, beautiful, and I see that he will not recover." The wife said that she would stay with him, but apparently did not calculate her strength, as a result they divorced with the scandal. You need to understand what you are going. If you don't understand, it will hurt everyone.
You need to be prepared for the fact that you have to step on your own feelings and emotions: a person during an exacerbation may not notice any of your needs, will bend his line, hurt you. And we must endure, not knowing whether it will end or not. It is not clear how soon a person will come out of a state of psychosis, whether he will understand his mistakes and apologize.
Alexander
My wife used to meet with my best friend - then they broke up, and we got closer. We went on a hitchhiking journey, began to communicate more. Even when she lived in Ukraine, even then she went to a psychologist, she was diagnosed with anxiety-depressive disorder. Then in her homeland, in Donetsk, the war began. The university where she studied was closed, and she came to me in Belarus. She was under stress: at home restless, you are in a foreign country without friends, it seemed to her that there were enemies around. Because of all this, she lost ten kilograms. Maybe at that time I was not behaving very correctly: I could not fully enter into her position and understand the course of her thoughts.
Later she moved to me completely, we began to live together, got married. And then she began to have "flashes": she could get upset about what seemed to be a minor reason, cry, start collecting things. In adolescence, she inflicted damage to herself, and still does. Somehow I came home, and she did it, because she did not have time to submit important documents or something else. That is, she believes that if she acted incorrectly, she should punish herself.
I did not know what to do, how to convince her that it was wrong, but then I realized that it was impossible to act logically in such situations. You cannot push a button to stop everything. When you see how a person irrationally hurts himself, your brain cannot quickly figure out how to act correctly in such a situation. And because of this helplessness, I myself had bouts of aggression, and then I realized that it was all because of the disorder. The main thing is to be with her at these moments. Somehow comfort, hug her. It gets easier for both of us.
At the beginning of a relationship, I had thoughts that if a person badly hurts himself, he gives problems to both you and yourself, and if he disappears from your life, the problems will disappear. But I coped with such ideas. I understood that the joy I receive and give is much more than negative moments. Of course, it would have been easier to build a relationship with her if she had not been upset. But after all, each person has something of their own. If I were less lazy, our relationship would also be better.
Previously, we lived in a four-room apartment: my wife, my father, and my brother and sister. And no one noticed (or everyone tried not to notice) that the wife had frustration, although her crying and screams were heard throughout the apartment. Only my youngest fifteen-year-old sister was aware of and accepted his wife as she is.
In such a relationship, you need to have great patience, try not to be quick-tempered and touchy. I quickly leave and try to control myself as much as possible. Our relationship is a big job on both sides. When difficult situations arise, we are ready to step over them and move on. Difficulties do not frighten. We have a very strong relationship thanks to all the unpleasant situations associated with the disorder. I used to have a stereotype that depression is a state where a person is just very sad, and you can approach him and say: “Hey, don't be sad, dude,” and this will help. But the wife explained to me that this is a medical diagnosis, and not when a person can not cope with their feelings.
Lily
My boyfriend has obsessive-compulsive disorder. If you try to explain it more simply, it looks like a person is frightened of something and tries to convince himself that everything is normal - only all the sensations are multiplied by one hundred. That is, a person can spend the whole day in some thoughts and actions, trying to reassure himself, but in practice this does not help. Чем больше он пытается что-то делать, чтобы успокоить себя, тем больше боится.
Страх моего парня - подцепить смертельную болезнь, поэтому он моет руки не один раз, а десять. Или, например, он боится, что причинит кому-то вред и потеряет контроль над своим телом. Therefore, he tries to avoid sharp objects: for example, a knife is in the kitchen, and he is trying not to look at him. This does not mean that a person really wants to do so.
We met a guy before he showed symptoms of disorder. At first they were just friends, then they started dating. A year after the start of a relationship, I noticed that he had "jokes" - too often checks the door, for example. I used to be interested in psychiatry and suggested that it might be OCD. He agreed to go to the doctor. After six months of treatment, the psychiatrist confirmed my conjectures. First, I responded: "Well, that's such a strange thing." But when it affects whether you leave the house today, be late or not, the disorder begins to annoy and annoy. He could stay for a long time, check something, in the end I started to get nervous and angry, he started to get nervous and angry, there was a quarrel, in the end no one went anywhere.
Trying to start a relationship is worth it, if you have great willpower - you can endure an evening of scandal because you didn’t go into the room wrong
I am not a doctor and I can not always treat OCD correctly. There were periods when we had a scandal every day. He was scared of something, was closing in on himself. And I thought that it was closing because it did not want to share experiences with me. But now it has passed: I know when he just needs to be left alone, he understands when to pause, think about what is happening. This is a titanic work, you need to search for compromises all the time.
Previously, my young man had a lot of panic attacks, it was impossible to calm him down. But now there is no such thing, only habits remain: several times pull the door handle, double-check if the gas is turned off. Although the fear that you left the gas, even if justified - it happened so that he, for example, did not like the man and he was afraid that because of his bad thoughts something could happen to this man. His fear is eating away. When a person thinks about something for a whole day, even realizing that this is all garbage, in the evening he begins to doubt: "Why do I have this thought in my head if it is foolish? Something is wrong here." The best thing for effective treatment is to let all fear pass through you and allow yourself to be afraid. The brain is designed so that you can not be afraid forever.
Trying to start a relationship is worth it, if you have great willpower - you can endure an evening of scandal due to the fact that you did not go into the room wrongly or turned the door knob incorrectly. In a relationship with a person with OCD, you need to be prepared for any fears of your partner. Seeming nonsense things that are perceived as fiction or children's horror stories can be triggers for such a person. You can not make fun of fears. You need to be patient, because the treatment takes a long time. Support is very important. Even if the partner is angry and says that he is tired of everything and will no longer be treated, this does not mean that he will not calm down, will not come to a more stable state.
I would advise to learn as much as possible about partner’s disorder, especially if both are aimed at long-term relationships. Do not listen to myths, search for information on proven resources. Some sites can create a false picture, much darker than it actually is.
My family and friends know about his frustration, but I try not to go into details. They know that he has some psychological problems, I tell them that sometimes he goes to a psychologist. Some of my boyfriend's relatives do not talk about his frustration to distant relatives. I think this is due to stigma.
I became more balanced, I can transfer more emotional turmoil than before. In general, the disease is a test of feelings. If you love him, ready to fight for his health, everything is okay, and the disease will only strengthen the relationship. In this relationship, I appreciate and love. Even after a heap of scandals, he realizes that I help him very much, and appreciates that I listen to him, I do not laugh at his problems.
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