18, 30, 40: Age crises and how to cope with them
Age Crises are an everyday and at the same time mysterious phenomenonabout which everyone has heard more than once. So, the notorious "midlife crisis" inevitably emerges in the conversations of older people, and the "quarter-life crisis" has become a real plague of modern 20-year-olds. It is important to understand that the psychological problems associated with a certain age are not at all contrived: we all face them in one way or another. Being in a situation of life crisis, the main thing is to remember that you are not the first to experience it. It is quite possible to cope with most age-related crises, eventually turning them into a productive period of life. With the help of the psychotherapist Olga Miloradova, we understand through what existential crises we are destined to go through, why they arise and how to survive them.
Teen crisis
Any age associated with a crisis, of course, is very conditional. So, one of the brightest and most difficult stages of our growing up falls on 14-19 years. This time is associated with various psychological, physiological and social changes that greatly change a person. Puberty becomes the strongest shake that turns a teenager into a roller coaster of emotions every day. What is important, it is at this moment that people first have to think about what awaits them in the near future, when they will formally be considered "adults." Anyone knows firsthand how difficult it is to decide at 16, 17, 18 years old, what you will do for the rest of your life and for what you work hard in the university years.
Modern adolescents spend most of their time in the school system. Regulated life makes the need for a supposedly fateful decision especially difficult. Unbelievable social pressure does not help either: at school, teachers are threatened with final exams, at home parents scare them with entrance examinations. And only a few adults guess to ask what the teenager himself thinks and wants, whose future is at stake. Such psychological pressure can lead to a sad result: for example, in South Korea, it is believed that only graduates of three of the most prestigious universities in the country have prospects. Therefore, local adolescents in the desire to enroll in the right university bring themselves to the point of exhaustion, both in school and in supplementary courses. Such a burden in turn leads to an unprecedented number of suicides among young people.
Taking a sober look at their desires and abilities to adolescents does not allow going wild emotions and heightened perception of the world. Otherwise, any 17-year-old would quickly realize that at his age it’s okay not to know exactly what you want. It is teenagers who most often give up hobbies that were invented and imposed on them by their parents in childhood. To abandon the old and look for the new is a natural process. American teenagers have long thought of a way to survive this moment wisely: many decide to take the so-called gap year after graduation, that is, a break between study, to travel, work and generally look at life outside the usual system and better understand themselves. This method does not promise divine revelations, but it helps to look at the world from a new angle.
The desire for independence - a natural desire of a teenager, which should be encouraged within reasonable limits
The crisis of self-identification is not only an attempt to understand who you "want to be when you grow up." It is much more important that it is at this moment that the formation of the assessment of one’s personality takes place. Girls often face difficulties when it comes to taking on their changing body. Cultural pressure does not make it easier when you look at Victoria's Secret models from all billboards, and you need to pull up braces once a month. The study of their own sexual orientation still leads to a huge number of tragedies due to the fact that others (both peers and older people) do not always accept homosexual adolescents. It is also difficult for transsexual teenagers, for whom puberty in another's body can turn into a severe psychological trauma.
At the same time, social identification occurs - the search for oneself in the context of the surrounding society. Sometimes it is not easy to deal with all this without a psychologist, a coach, or even a psychoanalyst, but you need to start from yourself, no matter what role you are. A loving family, ready to accept their growing up child, and not only to control and pull up, is the key to successful maturity, even with regard to teenage rebellion and alienation. The desire for independence is a natural desire of a teenager, which should be reasonably encouraged, not to make obstacles, but to allow him to openly demonstrate his emotions and desires. Growing up is a ticket for a very, very long train, so hurrying and getting angry at the fact that it does not happen all at once, is meaningless.
The main crises that psychologists identify in human life are the crises of childhood. The crisis of the newborn, early childhood, preschool age, school puberty and so on. If we talk about a crisis already in a more or less adult person, then in principle he does not have a clear attachment to age — rather, to events. If children's crises are practically the complete disintegration of the old system and the assembly of a new one, then adults are always a certain choice. Conflict of contradictions: go with the flow or completely change everything, be like everything or go towards your goal in defiance of the rules. Since we are talking about the point of choice, it seems to me that the majority of Russian adolescents immediately go to college, so that experiences and a moment of crisis rather precede the moment of choice. When the choice has already been made and the change of conditions has been successful, then, in general, there is no choice: now we have to adapt.
Crisis of a quarter of life
You graduated from university and do not know what to do with yourself? Had time to work on 2-3 different jobs, but do not find a place for yourself? Friends marry, divorce, give birth to children, and you do not feel ready for such changes? Congratulations, you are not alone in your problem - you just have a quarter of a crisis of life. For a more poetic and detailed definition of this life period, you can turn to pop culture, regularly reflecting on the psychological problems of those under thirty: it is the heroine of the TV series “Girls” and “Broad City” or the characters of Greta Gerwig in the movies “Sweet Francis” and "Miss America".
Over the past decades, there has been a noticeable shift in the socially acceptable time of entry into independent adulthood. Many factors came together: along with the increase in life expectancy, the situation in the labor market gradually changed. Financial crises and a shift in priorities from loyalty to a single company throughout life to personal growth and frequent job changes have led to a revision of their achievements and disorientation, known as the “crisis of thirty years”, for many people shifted to a conditional twenty-five. By this age, many already manage to try different relationships and professions, but they are still not ready to stop at one thing and are only beginning to determine their aspirations, feelings and interests. Twenty-five is an approximate age: in fact, most people who feel lonely, lost and led astray are approaching their 30th birthday.
Parents of modern 30-year-olds tried to provide them with the most comfortable life. Many “children”, having become accustomed to this, do not want to live on their own: Richard Linklater noticed this in his film “Slacker” back in 1991. Unlike parents, today's 30-year-olds do not strive to have children as soon as possible and do not put career stability at the forefront of success. At the same time, global social attitudes do not keep pace with their view of the world, and the experience of fathers and mothers inspires additional uncertainty in their choice and provokes a feeling of guilt. For the "reluctance to grow up" the millennials were even nicknamed the Peter Pan generation.
The main advice is to learn not to compare yourself with others.
All this is also superimposed neurosis, which appeared in the era of social networks. It always seems to us that we are doing something wrong, because if you believe the myth formed by Facebook and Instagram, then only we have problems - but not our friends or colleagues. When the fear of being less successful and interesting than your friends does not let go, remind yourself that an account on the social network of any person is just a squeeze of the best of the best, a social construct created by an effort of thought. Try to focus on what you want and can achieve here and now, and start the implementation of the plan.
Popular tips on how to overcome and even accept the state of uncertainty characteristic of a quarter-of-life crisis most often rely on Zen practice. Firstly, it is useful to make lists, but not grab at a hundred cases at the same time, and get to the assigned tasks gradually, doing a little bit every day. We must accept the fact that mistakes are inevitable - and not be afraid of them. It is important to finally honestly admit to yourself that you are interested and what hobbies you really like, and not imposed by family or friends. The main advice, especially useful in the light of what was said above about social networks, is to learn not to compare yourself with others. The society is gradually beginning to realize that the path only upwards is not the only possible one and is definitely not the best, so it's high time to find something comfortable for everyone individually. On the road will always help ironic look at what is happening. The crisis of a quarter of life is actually even useful, it helps to break out of the imposed expectations, bring life in order and rebuild it to your taste.
The crisis is not destructive in its essence - it allows for personal growth. Due to the displacement of maturity, the frame also shifted. Someone at twenty-five has just graduated from the university, and someone at thirty is already 5-7 years of a career behind him and there comes a reappraisal of achievements. Another scenario: a career moves, but no personal life; or exactly the opposite - there is a child, but not a year of career. A crisis is a feeling of either a complete deadlock or prolonged stagnation. After high school, it can come if, for example, a person studied not for himself, but for the sake of a “crust,” moms and dads, and he dreamed of something completely different. When it comes to understanding that you have devoted time to something completely different from what you have always dreamed of, new things begin to seem important and life is being rebuilt for new ideals.
Middle age crisis
If the previous type of crisis was connected, in fact, with fear for one’s future, then this one is entirely tied to the past. The midlife crisis implies that one day you wake up and an uninvited horror rolls over you: all that you have achieved so far, as if it loses all meaning. Work, home, partner, children - everything seems dull and meaningless: the business for which you spent your whole life does not bring pleasure, love and love seem distant, and children are likely to be so busy with their business that they hardly pay attention to you . It is in connection with this stage that it is customary to recall clichés such as buying expensive cars, alcohol abuse, craving for novels with younger partners on the side, inevitable divorce, and all attempts to touch the bygone youth. Such stories we have seen more than once in “Beauty in American”, “Greenberg”, “Great Disappointment”, apatov's “Love in an Adult” or in the new “While we are young”.
The term "midlife crisis" was coined by Canadian psychoanalyst Elliot Jacques. To them, he marked the transition period of life, covering the time somewhere between 40 and 60 years, when life loses its colors and begins to rethink everything that happened earlier. The famous psychoanalyst Eric Erikson, who developed the theory of personal development, described the last two stages of human life (maturity and old age or stagnation and despair) very similar to the general provisions of the midlife crisis. In particular, Erickson briefly described this phase of life with two questions: "How to make my life go in vain" and "How to understand that it is unseen to be yourself?".
Despite the fact that the concept of a midlife crisis has firmly settled in modern culture (there is a theory that "Bond" is the result of such a period in the life of Ian Fleming), it is not easier to unambiguously describe it than all the above crises. For different people, it manifests itself in different ways, overtakes them at different ages, for someone becoming a positive experience, and for someone - the beginning of a severe depression. The financial situation, the state of personal life and other socio-cultural factors strongly influence whether a person has a midlife crisis or not.
A midlife crisis is primarily a time of reflection and rethinking of life.
However, there are also constant variables: the middle age crisis is characterized by an oppressive feeling of frustration, as well as an awareness of human mortality. During this period of life, many people experience the death of their next of kin, such as their parents. Such a loss is not only grief, which is hard to cope with: it also makes you wonder about the inevitability of your own death and provokes existential fear. At the same age for many, the end of a career comes, or at least there are limitations in conditions or duration of work. Age makes itself felt at the level of physiology: mobility decreases, and in women comes menopause, associated not only with a strong hormonal, but also psychological restructuring. Contrary to popular belief, the male body is also undergoing a change, the so-called andropause, when there is a decrease in testosterone in the blood.
Psychologists note that all the above symptoms cause stress, but they do not necessarily lead to a state of crisis. Even when they overlap, a person does not necessarily end up in deep depression. A midlife crisis is first of all a time of reflection and rethinking life. The fact that he often overtakes those over forty does not mean that he will not happen to you later or earlier, all other things being equal.
With a midlife crisis (like any other), it is important not to miss the moment when it turns into clinical depression. In this case, be sure to seek professional help. In all other cases, practical advice on overcoming psychological problems can be briefly described as "do not be afraid of change and do not panic." Physical activity will help not only to feel as active as before, but also naturally improve mood. The most difficult and most useful thing is to accept changes, try to channel the fear of parental mistakes into a productive channel and improve relations with children. No matter how captain it may sound, but the search for new non-destructive hobbies will really help ease existential fear. Aging, like growing up, is an inevitable part of life, and it needs to be accepted and worked with what is.
If most of the crises, which were discussed earlier, are not so much crises (despite their names), as productive periods of change and growth, then it is customary to mean a crisis in the psychological sense under the crisis of middle age. It is expressed in unproductive depression, devaluation and denial of all that has been achieved. It can cause such a state and routine, and thoughts about death, and the syndrome of the empty nest. A nihilistic attitude emerges: everything is bad simply because it is bad.
A classic example: faced with the death of a loved one and having experienced animal horror, many seek solace in religion and seemingly find it. In fact, the majority finds a cozy house for themselves, hiding at once from several existential givens, which everyone faces and sooner or later needs to be taken in - speech about mortality and loneliness. In essence, a person remains in an unresolved conflict, frantically clutching at what is life after death. As a result, there is no growth, no adoption, no next step. Therefore, the main rule to be followed no matter what kind of life crisis has caught you: you can’t hide your head in the sand - you need to try to recycle the revelation that has struck you into something productive.
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