How to start life from scratch?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to start life from scratch?
We are taught from childhood that we need to learn better, have more time, all the time to run somewhere, hurry, finish school with honors, go to college as soon as possible - then you walk up, and then you don’t, you should get married, and then you do not have time, the eggs are not sperm, they are finite. And in the end, when this endless stream calms down a little, there is a chance to find yourself in an unloved job, or with an unloved husband, or unwanted children. Or, on the contrary, without the children you dreamed of, but in the abyss of hateful work. Or even at the broken trough - it just happened from a sense of contradiction, for example. The main thing is that you woke up today or tomorrow, and such an idea comes to your mind: stop, it's all not that and not me, did I dream of that?
Olga Miloradovapsychotherapist
Despite the fact that I strongly advocate that each person must give up living other people's lives and finally begin to live his own, I do not advise you to give up everything at once and run to some ashram in India, even if the book "Eat, Pray, Love "has proven this to be the best way to solve all problems. First, sit down and think, more than once, why are you where you are? How did you find yourself in this place? Have your own dreams or hopes of your loved ones brought you here? Who are you and what do you dream? Did you dream of writing scripts, but you became a lawyer because dad wanted it that way? Or did you just want to be a lawyer, and dad wanted the same thing, but you were so enraged that dad hurt your mom, that you out of spite decided to become, well, for example, a flight attendant? You may have been brought here by your own dreams, and your honestly earned decisions, but what you have is no longer viable? Or maybe it never was, but you overestimated your strength.
In order to honestly admit to myself in many things, often there simply is not enough courage. How to accept the fact that you are not smart enough for a scientific career? Or your hands are not dexterous enough to be a good surgeon. Or that your husband no longer attracts you either morally or physically. In the latter situation it is much worse if he is still the same close friend and comrade, but I do not want to have sex with him at all. In most cases, our lives are not black and white, so any situation, even the most unbearable, is not always definitely bad. She has at least such a plus - she is familiar to you, in her you know how to behave, where to hide and how to survive, and everything new and unknown conceals the fear that suddenly everything will be even worse.
Unfortunately, life does not provide any guarantees and the choice is always yours. That is why you can meet the love of life, but stay with those with whom everything is so familiar and routine. Or, on the contrary, to undertake an escape in case of unexpected love, on the background of a long calm, and then realize that you have betrayed your person and will not return them. And yet, if you really thought well, weighed all the pros and cons and realized that everything that you have does not suit you and is not viable, then this fear of change must be overcome. Yes, there is no guarantee of success, but any changes - this is a breath of fresh air, this is a new experience, new ways and opportunities.
Release your past. Do not compare what is happening to you now with what you have refused.
Think about who you are going to start this new life with. Do you take your partner with you, or are you going to refuse him? Think about the people with whom you are accustomed to communicate: are they all really your friends and necessary for you, or do you maintain relationships with some of them out of politeness / old memory, or maybe it is they who are pulling you back? How should evaluate the pros and cons, you start a new life, you must understand who is part of this new life and who is not.
Release your past. Do not cling to it, do not compare what is happening to you now, with what you have refused. Yes, this is your experience, it is definitely useful in some ways, you probably learned a lot from the mistakes you made, but in general, try to learn from your past life only positive memories and turn the page.
Now it's time to make real plans. Make a list of what you would like to change and what specific steps you can take towards these changes. Try not to cover global categories, it is better to plan changes in small steps, setting short-term realistic goals. It is also desirable to avoid such a turn as "I have to" in drawing up a plan. You are changing your life for the better. Do you want that. Your small changes are your desires and joys, and not the sword of Damocles, the obligations and obligations.
For every doubt, make more efforts and try to cultivate a positive thinking
And if we are talking about small steps, then you can begin to change with your appearance, for example. Often, even such a trifle as a new hairstyle can help you feel like a new person or at least mark the beginning of a new stage. Begin to think like a new person, in no case look back with thoughts, and what would happen if ... Nothing new starts until you finish the old one, especially when trying to build a new relationship, without losing hope of reanimation of the previous ones. So, do not forget to close these doors tightly. But at the same time forget about such things as "I can not" and "I will not succeed." We talked about setting real goals, right? So, for every doubt, apply more effort and try to cultivate a positive thinking. Besides the fact that we are what we eat, we are much more what we think. If we think of ourselves as a loser, then every further action will only confirm this, isn't it?
And do not forget that we are still limited in time. The longer we pull, the harder it is to start something new, on the one hand (after all, the brain's ability to learn and memorize decreases with age), and the more difficult it is for us to recognize that all these years we have been doing something wrong. Imagine one thing to get away from an abuser partner in 25 years, and another thing to be 50 years old and to think that most of life was devoted to suffering, where it is much easier and to the last to pretend that everything is good. However, whoever you are and whatever you do, and even if you are not going to change anything at all, try to at least sometimes distance yourself from professional identity. First of all, because you are not just a journalist, a marketer, a veterinarian, a student — you are a much more multifaceted person, and who knows what talents are hidden in you? And even without talents in each of us there is a child deserving unconditional love. And not for something, but just like that.