Girls below: 5 real stories about BDSM relations
Tomorrow the rental goes The film adaptation of the erotic bestseller "Fifty shades of gray" about the first, timid steps of a young American woman in the world of luxury and BDSM. The novel has been widely criticized for creating a false, overly romanticized view of BDSM and relations between practicing partners among readers, both during the sessions and outside the Red Room of Pain. We talked with five girls who truly practice the dominant-submissive relationship and prefer the lower role of their own accord. They told how they came to BDSM and how it changed their lives, how BDSM sessions actually take place and whether they are in a romantic relationship with their Dominant.
I entered the topic of BDSM after repeated searches for videos on the Internet on well-known sites, and over and over again realized that I was excited by humiliation, binding and various attributes of BDSM themes. I hinted to my boyfriend, and he also found these videos exciting, we discussed our fantasies with him and set about an easy theme - such as tying, whipping, humiliation, and so on. It all started when I turned 18, but my partner was already 30, so he was experienced.
Now I have a different partner, but this Topic has moved into our relationship, and life has changed for both us and those around us. When we start swearing or doing it on the street, we can stop and slap each other in the face - the reaction of those around us is amazing! In private life, hidden from the other walls of our house, we are happy, and recently a partner honestly stated that it was his dream - to treat the girl in bed so cruelly. Few are aware of our love for BDSM - neighbors, and then only when I do not have a gag. Although once at a meeting dedicated to love and sex, there was an assignment to tell a stranger something intimate about ourselves: when we turned around synchronously, the guy and I told the couple from behind “I'm a sadist” from my boyfriend and I'm a masochist from me. It was easy because I knew that I was supported by a loved one.
It is harder for others to open, you expect inadequate people in advance. Most often, I met a misunderstanding on the part of the stronger sex. Many familiar girls admitted that their partners cannot slap them in the ass, what can we say about BDSM? I had a case when I asked my partner to take a little by the throat during sex ... but suddenly he left the bed and said that I was a pervert. Stereotypes about BDSM are a separate book: take at least the idea that we wear latex, leather masks, or we corrupt everyone and everything. I do not argue - everywhere there are individuals who will behave out of the ordinary, but most often lovers of BDSM culture are balanced and calm people.
I realized my desires after meeting with one wonderful girl - a designer, model and simply beautiful Agna Devi. When I came to her for a corset, she told about herself and her hobbies. At home, after reviewing her photo, after reading the binding notes, I realized that I should at least try, and got stuck in it for six years. I do not think that someday I will part with BDSM, for me it is a source of pleasure. BDSM practice means not only sex, it can be a session without penetration. I like to obey: to feel that now I am just a table for the feet of the master, and a couple of minutes after the end of the game, we are a couple in love who enjoyed the domination and submission.
As a good friend said, there is only one perversion - it is two minutes in the dark under a blanket and without sound
From everything that was offered to me, I refused only from scat, but the desires of my partner do not frighten me. As a good friend said, there is only one perversion - it is two minutes in the dark under a blanket and without sounds. What do I feel being the bottom? Fortunately, satisfaction. I enjoy my partner, too, I don’t know how to describe it in words ... I feel most needed at this moment. But I never felt humiliated in a bad sense, to be lower means to completely trust my partner, to be 100% sure of him and nothing else! As they say, the safety technique is written in blood - and this is true: one wrong "sliding" knot, a slightly stronger squeezed throat - and you may not become. Imagine that you decided to have sex, and ended soon with a funeral. You do not want this - be sure of your partner.
There is no dependency between gender, orientation and the BDSM role. We are both bi and a couple of times having fun with a change of roles when I became a dominant. And here, of course, I am a layman, but we got pleasure. It is a misconception that only a man can be the dominant. You can not imagine how many men want to get stimulation of the prostate, but hesitate to ask!
Now I have a regular partner, our relationship was built on frankness in everything, and once I just heard what was the beginning of our practice: "I want to flog you." And then we studied and watched more, and oh, how many times we repeated))) We tried to look for partners on the Internet. Oh, how stupid we were. You should not do this if you have weak nerves, because you will not find the “ones” even in the first ten. The one we were looking for turned out to be our common acquaintance.
Once I fell in love with Dominant. My head understood that this was all the stormy influence of pheromones and pure sex, but it felt wonderful to feel a toy in his hands, to enjoy his dominance! At some point we decided that everything was enough. It was hard, and then I went in search of someone with whom the phrase "beats - it means love" will have only good meaning.
Not all guys want tenderness, many want prostate massage and lick someone's heel
I read and sit on many BDSM sites, but I’m not ready to search for someone there and shine, I’m fine with my Dominant. Russia and abroad are flawed in terms of BDSM. My friend was engaged in sewing costumes and arranging BDSM surveys, but she didn’t go beyond black suits and corsets. Young and not very people tried on costumes and boasted erection, so they quickly discouraged her desire to work. As a result, she never stayed alone in the workshop for her own safety. The only thing that I see with us is girls bragging that the guy slapped them on the ass during sex or that they know the word "shibari", or connoisseurs sitting only on forums and oppressive newbies. The ideology of BDSM for me sounds like this: Commitment, Involvement and Self-Consciousness.
We do not allow hard practices with a partner due to the fact that, although I am confident in him, I know that he stops only because he is afraid of himself. He may be even more painful, even tougher, but will he restrain himself? He clearly distinguishes between cruelty, is aware of his actions and understands that he is a living person and he is responsible for it. There is such a simple thing as a stop word, I think it is always necessary. If something goes wrong - a simple "stop" - and everyone understands everything.
I believe that BDSM is not for everyone. But not because it is a privileged thing. It’s just that someone definitely doesn’t like it: not all girls want “tin” in bed, some want to be massaged and affectionately called “girls”. Not all guys want tenderness, many want prostate massage and lick someone's heel. Although I’m not sure that my mother would be against it :) If I started this Topic, I would advise you to talk about it with a partner, what he likes, what unrealized fantasies he has, and share hers. Go to kink.com, decide on a little: do not like it - stop, like it - the Internet will help you!
I personally did not read "Fifty shades of gray" and really laugh at the people who make fun of the fans of this book, because it is worth asking them if they themselves read how they are blown away. Just act on the principle of "not read, but condemn." I do not think that this book will be interesting for me - I still prefer science fiction. True, after the noise that the haters of "Fifty Shades" raised, I am thinking of downloading it. People who have enjoyed reading this novel do not make me negative, and in principle do not cause any emotions. You like it - well done, you do not like it - it's great that you have experienced at least some emotions, that’s good too.
My young man has always been leading in bed. I am a lazy girl, I have never really taken the initiative. He suggested that I tie my hands, then gently slap me in the process. Gradually, I was drawn into this, and ordinary sex already seemed boring. Then I became interested in the topic. She climbed into the Internet, read articles, watched a video (long live the Great Kink), discussed it with her partner. It can be said that he introduced me to BDSM (as it turned out, he himself practiced earlier). We have been doing this for about three years.
Since then, my attitude towards intimacy has changed. Now it is not just an act of obtaining physical satisfaction, but a very close relationship. I give my body at His complete disposal, I give Him pleasure - and this is already enough for me. We always discuss our desires or doubts. It was not once that one of us immediately refused, even if at first glance the proposal seems strange or frightening. The most important thing in BDSM for me is trust. I believe that a similar degree of trust between partners is possible only if they are both in the topic.
Our close friends know about our "little strange", relatives do not. It’s normal to open up to friends, but families should not touch bedding. Friends just took this information, there was no condemnation. If someone condemns my hobby, I will break the connection with this person. Sex is a personal matter, and no one has the right to judge me.
Gradually, BDSM became an integral part of our (my and my young man's) life. Twenty-four hours a day, he is Upper, I am lower. And nothing else. I appeal to him to “you” (if there is no one around), I try to be respectful all the time. I am pleased to call him the Master. It does not degrade a bit, on the contrary, gives a sense of self-worth. During my fascination with the topic, I became more confident in myself. The role of the bottom makes you feel like a woman to the full, she reveals sexuality and helps to realize who you really are. I obey, but I am free. When I am fully connected, and in the mouth gag, I do not think about work, problems, offenses, everyday troubles - and that is what makes me free. I do not think about anything, just do what is ordered, so the pleasure is much sharper. After all, the orgasm begins with the head, and if it is not clogged with nonsense, then the maximum discharge.
BDSM - this is not a pair of meaningless slaps on the pope. Punishment is always deserved; it is a process of nurturing obedience and humility.
I know little about the Russian BDSM community. There is a small community in my town, but my partner and I don’t want to let anyone into this part of our lives. Cruelty in BDSM I do not see. Everything happens by mutual agreement, security is agreed in advance and all rules are strictly followed. I like to take pain, I am not afraid of flogging, but for some people lash is associated with torture. Personally, I am not afraid that after the session a small bruise or traces of ropes may remain. On the contrary, I am pleased to see it on my body. Everyone has their own framework, they need to explore. If you feel that you want to try - try. Suddenly it's an integral part of your life? Read forums, articles. On the Internet, their sea. Try to start small: blindfold, gag. The main thing to ignore the stereotypes that exist around BDSM (thanks, "Fifty shades").
The most common misconception - sexual intercourse is an integral part of the session. No no and one more time no. You can not have sex, because there are games with breathing, binding, pet-play. In addition, BDSM is not a pair of meaningless slaps on the pope. Punishments are always deserved, it is like a process of educating obedience and humility. After all, many of the lower in ordinary life are power personalities, and the upper ones, on the contrary, are quiet and inconspicuous.
BDSM has overwhelmed the minds of mankind after the appearance of the notorious trilogy. I admit, read. But only because she wanted to see how the society’s erroneous opinion was formed. Forgive me lovers of "shades", I did not find BDSM in them. However, it is worth noting that until my young man discovered the real Topic for me, I thought about BDSM almost the same way as it is described in the books.
For the first time I encountered the culture of BDSM in the books of the Marquis de Sade. I went to school, in the tenth grade, and generally didn’t understand why I was reading this, because in some places I was frankly sick. Prior to this, the word "BDSM" was associated with many, many black latex, lashes, ropes, and it all seemed like a terrible perversion. I was raised in a terribly prudish family and I would never be interested in this. As I, prompted by curiosity, in Wikipedia and on thematic forums I studied what this terrible word still means, the opinion changed to neutral, and at some point it seemed that it would be nice to try it.
I practice very briefly - about one and a half years. I practice DS (dominance-submissiveness), a little less than DB (bondage-discipline), but I’m not attracted to SM (sadism-masochism). The fact that I discovered the topic was a happy coincidence. I cannot say that it turned my life upside down, but thanks to this I revealed my desires, my sexuality and myself in general (including from a psychological point of view), and it was very interesting. I do not think that I can refuse it, at least for now. When I do regular, "vanilla" sex, I just get bored.
With my current partner, I was lucky. We did not meet for the BDSM practitioner, but it turned out that he was also passionate about it. In a non-sexual life, we have a very romantic relationship. For me personally, the important difference is between when we are just a couple in a relationship and when we are already a Thematic Couple. It is important for me to feel this moment and restructure. During the sessions, I feel not so much myself as my alter ego, if I may say so. And this "restructuring" is important for me to feel comfortable and have fun. What I specifically feel is very difficult for me to explain even to myself. “The pleasure of obedience” is a vague and incomprehensible phrase for many, but unfortunately I don’t have enough words to explain it differently.
The role of the bottom does not prejudice the person and does not lead to the fact that you are no longer respected or you cease to respect yourself
I don’t really spread it before my acquaintances and tell them only if I feel that a person is also related to BDSM. Every time when I find out that some of my girlfriend is also interested in or is already practicing the topic, I am very happy and feel the connection between us, as if this is something like a fight club :) It turned out that I have quite a few friends as sub and Dominants. At first glance, to determine the membership of the topic, in my opinion, is impossible. And also with roles. I have a friend. She is a very sweet, cute, petite girl with a calm character. Her husband is a tall, brutal man, very responsible. When you find out that she is Domina, and he is a sub, then you begin to perceive them a couple differently. For example, I find it very amusing that I know this side of their lives. By this I wanted to say that neither gender, nor appearance, nor character traits influence the distribution of roles. In general, many people think that there are many Dominant men in the Topic, and almost all women are submissive, but in fact the percentage of the ratio is about the same.
Sometimes, if I want to tell someone about the Theme and that I am engaged in BDSM, I brag about it to hide that I’m actually embarrassed. I haven't met any misunderstanding yet. On the contrary, they begin to ask questions and in general are actively interested. It is important to convey the fact that, firstly, the role of the bottom does not infringe upon the person and does not lead to the fact that you are no longer respected or you cease to respect yourself. You only like it in sex, but not in everyday life. And the second thing that men do not understand mostly is that you are lower only for your partner, but not for any male friend or other dominant.
Despite the fact that I was not looking for a partner, it was interesting for me to communicate on the Thematic portals and forums. I wrote a lot of people, both women and men. Many of them talked decently and respectfully. But there were enough inadequate men. For example, if a person insults you from the very first words, calls you his slave or writes disrespectfully and in a boorish way, then it is immediately clear that such people are not worth having. On many public websites and sites there are reminders how to understand that the partner is adequate. If a person says that there is no taboo for him - this is a disturbing bell. If he is not interested in your preferences - too. I think it helps a lot of people, but if a person skillfully pretends, it is difficult to understand whether he will be an adequate Dominant. Therefore, it is also warned that the first time it is better to meet on neutral territory. Это очень хорошая идея - выкладывать такие ликбезы и инструкции для новичков, которые могут получить травмирующий опыт.
Российские Доминанты склонны переносить подчиняющую роль в обычную жизнь, что не радует меня и многих других сабмиссивных феминисток
Я слышала о том, что существуют школы нижних девушек. К сожалению, когда я разобралась, в чём заключается "обучение", стало понятно что "студенткам" не говорят ничего хорошего - и даже наоборот. "Педагоги" - это, как правило, абьюзеры, которым наплевать на чувства девушек, и, пользуясь тем, что им доверяют, они сильно травмируют психику. In general, in my opinion, it is much more correct to open a school for Dominants, because this role is much more responsible and requires much more preparation: during each BDSM session each Dominant is responsible for the health and even life of their affiliates.
I would recommend beginners first to study the history of BDSM, read the world literature about it. In general, in all aspects of life, I first focus on theory. If a person is really attracted to BDSM, then why not start gradually practicing. There is such a dangerous thing as "velvet input in the topic." On the one hand, it is useful if, for example, a person is disposed towards BDSM, but hesitates or does not know where to start, and his partner starts with a “gentle regime” and gradually opens up to him some new practices. On the other hand, some Dominants can manipulate their affiliates: gently press and force them to try it. The affiliate, trying to do what is pleasant, cannot refuse and suffers, despite the fact that she does not like to obey at all or wants something less cruel. It hurts a person if the soul does not lie at all with BDSM.
I have long wanted to attend any thematic event, but still my hands do not reach. I am not at all involved in the BDSM community, although I would like to :) Most people are older than women according to observations. I don’t know about the Western BDSM society, but we have a lot of so-called Aspadins, that is, inadequate people who consider themselves Dominants, but in fact are abusers who do not respect other people. I also heard that the Western BDSM world is much more feminist and more civilized than the Russian one. This is good, because I have seen many times that the Russian Dominants tend to transfer a subordinating role to ordinary life, which personally does not please me, and many other submissive feminists.
I try to refrain from censuring "Fifty Shades of Gray" because I have not read this novel. The BDSM community and feminists are strongly opposed to the book due to the fact that it does not talk about BDSM, but about the abuse. Due to the fact that "Fifty shades" are so popular now, many readers may misunderstand the principles of BDSM. The girls who read the novel will believe that such relations are normal, or if they want to try, they may come across inadequate Dominants, too cruel, and will not be ready for this. As for men, they adopt abuzzy behavior and will also hurt others. The fact that something fashionable can be so harmful and painful to society is very bad.
In theory, I learned about BDSM quite early, out of curiosity after reading Venus in Furs. But then this book, as they say, did not catch me. So my knowledge about BDSM and remained at the level of a very vague idea, until I realized that I like hard sex. And once I asked my partner to hit me. He agreed; I liked it terribly, he does not. He did not want to repeat this experience because he "respected me too much." And because of this, we broke up after a while. It so happened that my next partner was already in the topic, and my "education" is largely his merit. Now we are not together, but maintain friendly relations. And I always remember him with gratitude.
Very few people know that I practice BDSM, and even in the position of the subwoofer. On this subject there are few who can be openly spoken with. I sometimes like to guess what would happen if suddenly all my friends and acquaintances found out the truth about me - which of them would turn away from me. Sometimes it seems to me that I would be left all alone, and there is little hope for a large number of "liberal" minded acquaintances. I have often observed how people who are ready to defend the rights of same-sex couples and accuse their opponent of narrow-mindedness and stereotype thinking, at the very mention of BDSM immediately issue a standard set of “this is not normal, unnatural”, “these are sick people, they should be treated”, "I don't want my children to know about it at all."
How important are my preferences to me? Yes, they are important, and for me, if I did not find BDSM for myself, it would be more difficult and worse to live. But nevertheless I consider that they do not define me and my personality. They, along with many other factors, make me who I am. But first of all I am a person, a colleague, a daughter, a girlfriend and a lot more. Well, I'm also a southpaw and practice BDSM. I think about it like this.
The very finish is those who believe that the women of the subs are all polls slaughtered, weak-willed victims of the patriarchy
It seems to me that the most important stereotype about BDSM is that it can only enthrall people with disabilities, with whom something is not right from the beginning and who cannot enjoy ordinary sex. People somehow focus too much on causing pain and forget that the purpose of this pain is the pleasure of both partners. We just get it like this. In general, I met in BDSM mostly calm, sensible and very responsible people. I was never forced to do something that I really wouldn't like. And I always try to take the choice of partners very seriously. If something in a person is alarming me, I do not meet with him and try not to contact any more.
Many people believe that all the subs in life are timid, quiet, and are looking for a strong hand (and the Houses, respectively, are the other way around). Or consider that we have some kind of inferiority complex, from which we must get rid of. This is not the case, and among the sabs I know there are many people who occupy very important and responsible positions. At work during the day, they constantly make important decisions. And in private life they want to relax, relieve themselves of this burden of responsibility. People so rest. Many do not understand this. Or do not want to understand. The very finish is those who believe that the women of the subs are all polls slaughtered, weak-willed victims of the patriarchy, but if we are enlightened, we will all cheer up and throw off the shackles of this “slavery”. There are few of them, but they are very loud, and to argue with them, to explain something to them is useless. They think that you have been brainwashed and you really don’t know what you like and what you don’t.
About "Fifty shades of gray" I, of course, heard a lot. It seems to me that the only useful thing that can come out of this book is a public discussion about BDSM and, possibly, a rethinking of the attitude towards it. But I do not think that in the current situation this is possible at all.
"Theater begins with a hanger." For me, familiarity with BDSM (Theme) began with a slap in the "vanilla" partner about three years ago. And I liked it. And then - searching for sources on the Internet on forums and social networks. The hardest thing was to move from virtual communication to a real meeting. I was in no hurry and in half a year of communication I acquired a lot of acquaintances with practicing Masters and lower ones. Later, many of them became friends who introduced me to the Dominant, who introduced me to the topic.
Now the circle of my Thematic Friends is extensive, with them I am open to dialogue. Friends outside Theme do not know about my hobby, and, most likely, I will not share with them. Not because I am doing something immoral, but because not everyone has such wide internal borders to accept this kind of information about his friend calmly, with due interest and respect for the needs of another person. Everything has its time and place.
My knowledge of the Theme was gradual, and I had enough time to realize that this was not a momentary infatuation, but a persistent inner need, a part of my sexuality — in a word, a part of me. Admitting yourself to your desires is very difficult, but you cannot fool yourself, and I think it’s worth taking a sheet and a pencil one day and writing everything you want so much. Do not be afraid of your desires! Exactly like the desires of a partner. Everything is discussed. It is impossible to force you to do something if it is taboo.
It is a myth that Dominants only satisfy their ego and lust with the help of lower
Of course, there are practices in BDSM related to discipline, where the lower must strictly follow the will of the Dominant. In such a situation, there may be times when the dominant desires contradict the inner desires of the lower one. I will clarify - desires, not taboos of the bottom. But this is part of BDSM and one of the ways to compromise. Controversial? Not at all. If you are obedient, polite, attentive, respectful to your Dominant and fulfill his will - the partner next time takes the first step towards your inner desires. It is a myth that Dominants only satisfy their ego and lust with lower ones. This is a game for two.
BDSM is an unequal relationship, but with huge overtones of compromise! And the role of the bottom is not the role of humiliated and insulted! This self-respecting woman is very strong inside. You can only humiliate someone who wants to be humiliated if we are talking about humiliation in ordinary life. Humiliation as a game, session moment - yes, there is such a thing, and many without it life is not sweet.
My partner is currently both a Thematic partner and a beloved man. Everything worked out in one day - we just met, talked and never left. Our life is a combination of romantic and thematic relationships. We somehow miraculously manage to mix everything into one excellent cocktail. At home, even in everyday life, I often refer to "you" and "sir", as is customary in our pair at sessions.
I can not imagine if I could meet with a person outside the Theme. Probably, I would have continued the search or would have inclined him "to the dark side"))) For those who are still searching, I will give advice - no sessions at the first meeting and send immediately to ignore those who try to show their "dominance" in relation to to you virtually. Dominant values themselves and their skills. It will never dominate until you give your explicit and unequivocal consent. The dominant man is primarily a gentleman.
I found a loved one in the Thematic Environment, but this is good luck. BDSM - this is not a platform for finding husbands
Most of the Themes are in one way or another in the BDSM communities, and I am not an exception. I am a member of two of the largest Russian BDSM Internet sites and I often visit the Thematic Meetings. With foreign it is more difficult - the language barrier, but periodically I look at foreign forums. We have a huge difference in approach with the West. They took the idea of "pleasure for fun." So to say, pleasure in its purest form, quintessence. We have friendship, love, the desire for any relationship, and only then pleasure. Plus solid labels. You will never see a full-fledged public action with three submissive lower and Dominant - not accepted.
I was lucky - I found a loved one in the Thematic environment, but this is good luck. I was not following this, but following the satisfaction of my very different needs. I think not everyone should be inspired by the culture of BDSM - this is not a platform for finding husbands. Trying to taste the topic is when you are looking for exactly the satisfaction of one of the components of BDSM. If you do decide, then where to start? With a clear description of what you want. If you know that now you want to be only tied up and immobilized, then write about it. Do not spray on what you have no idea. The person on the other side of the monitor needs landmarks, and he will not be able to guess - you are fantasizing or you really want everything that has been rolled into five sheets.
I learned about the publication of the Fifty Shades of Gray from a journal article, but the book itself came into the hands recently. It was extremely easy to read it, but remained in contradictory feelings as a practicing Theme. The book is very sensual, generating desires and fantasies, but I so wanted to see more in the description of session meetings. Both heroes are highly idealized, which causes irritation from the part of those who do not understand the author, who do not agree with her vision. Friends! This is a novel, a book, and not a guide on how to act and live! Release bias and enjoy!
Illustrations: Anya Schemeleva-Konovalenko
Thanks to the Unicorn Porn public for help in preparing the material.