No offense: How important it is to part friends
Text: Zlata Nikolaev
"But how do you manage to communicate with your ex-husband?" - I regularly hear this question from friends and even friends. We separated, God bless you, three years ago, and we really communicate: we didn’t quarrel, didn’t delete the numbers of each other or from friends on social networks, we were rather interested in how we deal with each other, congratulations on holidays, but mutual friends, having parties they don’t ponder how to “separate us” and whom to exclude from the list of invitees, because we are quite normal (yes, there, excellent) we get along in the same room.
I never understood what to answer to this, “But how? ...”, because it happened like this, and it’s hard to imagine how it could be otherwise. How else? And why does everyone around cross out the former ones from their lives simply because it is necessary? Is it necessary?
If you remember all my love relationships, romance, starting with, say, 15 years old, I understand that I have good relations with all these guys of varying degrees. There is only one exception - and even then I didn’t act very well in that story and would gladly apologize, but the young man is against.
Not that everything was cute with a unicorns on a rainbow or I am an insensitive tractor: I suffered a lot. I suffered conscience, throwing the one who never wants to communicate with me. I called my close friends, asked me to "come with a booze" and closed with them in the apartment for two days, when my husband collected things. I cried more than once. And even when she left the novels of the “just come to me” format, she suffered for a couple of weeks.
And then resentment and sadness passed - and we began to communicate.
It should immediately make a reservation: I was very lucky. Somehow it happened that I have no glaring stories in my baggage: I have never been insulted and not beaten, not tyrannized, not changed for years or months, not asked to return the gifts presented in the candy-bouquet period. Probably, if something happened from this list, I would sing quite differently and certainly would not strive to maintain good relations.
But here's the thing: even those of my friends, whose young people were not seen in frantic bestiality, often part with them, monstrously quarreling, deleting phone numbers and accounts in social networks, telling everyone around that "Vasya is a cruel goat." “When parting, you always think that one day he will realize that he has lost, and will certainly roll on an inclined one, sink and drink. If only one could drink!” - says one of my girlfriend (however, with irony). Some argue in the spirit of "she died that way," and do not make it possible to be friends with the former, even if you really want to. "Have you tried?" - it's my turn to ask questions.
When parting, you always think that one day he will understand what he has lost, and will certainly roll down the inclined
This year I spent several months in a state of nonreciprocal love with one friend, long forgotten from school-pubertal pores. Has managed to suddenly, but with all the cakes, including the fact that all my conversations boiled down to the object of HB, and also that it was absolutely hopeless. Dedicated to my “secret” half of Moscow, of course, tried to cheer me up with flattering interpretations of my stories (“I was late for an hour? You also like him!”), And I listened, but actually such things as “are there any chances?” usually understood immediately. When the curve of my feelings and emotions collapsed from a peak down, I began to be rude, offended and all that jazz. And once she sat down and thought: okay, and how much do I still want to suffer? And what is the man guilty? And I want to poker our friendship just like that, because of nothing? I don’t want anything, I don’t want anything, I replied to myself. And I turned on the “salvation” button: I stopped writing and calling, avoided possible meetings, hit the head with work, answered “I don’t want to talk about it” to questions about - well, I tried not to think.
Burning events helped: a month later released. Only then could I renew my friendship. So for the first time in my life, I learned to part "in an amicable way" with what (whom) I never had.
To part in a good way is an important skill. God knows what, but if not everyone succeeds, I will take courage and set out a few theses that help me.
First and foremost: no one is obliged to love us. All people deserve to be loved, and even more than that, everyone is loved, yesterday, today, tomorrow, or always, but one particular person is not obliged to love another particular person, he either loves or does not. And if he does not love, he is not to blame for this.
One particular person is not obliged to love another particular person, he either loves or not
Second: no one is obliged to love us forever. It happens that yesterday I loved and two years ago I loved, and then once - and I fell out of love. As a rule, this “for life” is embedded in the model of ideal love, but let's be honest: this most romantic model was formed several centuries ago in ballads and songs, and the average statistical life of a noble knight (like his beautiful lady) was strong shorter than in the 21st century. It is not so difficult to love your lady "all your life" when life is guaranteed to end in about 30 years on the battlefield or from a common cold in winter. It is much more difficult for us and our men in this respect. So if you stop loving - do not blame the person, it happens. You fell out of love - do not reproach yourself either. No, I am not opposed to traditional family relationships, I believe in the opportunity to grow old together with my grandchildren, and I know examples of such stories, but this is how it goes. And if it does not work out anymore, it is better to analyze the mistakes, draw conclusions and break up.
If mercantilism is peculiar to you in one way or another, consider not to throw plates at the moment, in order to preserve a good memory of each other in the future, this is also convenient. Firstly, the former can be great friends: you don’t need anything from each other, you know each other well, you can communicate without hesitation. Secondly, you can continue to use the unique qualities of the former. Get advice about a vacation in Chile, where he spent three years of internship, clarify the contact of someone with whom he is familiar - all this helps a lot and is not disgusting if you ask for help and advice infrequently and do not sit on the neck. Thirdly, you do not have to share friends. And friends - torn between you.
There is another important thesis that works most personally with me, but perhaps not for everyone: "But I loved them!" (I liked him, we were together, substitute the right one). He also has good qualities that I liked, we probably - at least not for long - was cool together, and in general, I have good taste, and the person who was the very same yesterday could not be, immediately turn into a full freak out I could not fall in love with a complete freak. This thesis has one risky moment: many perceive the external part of it, they say, "I am ashamed to admit that something went wrong" - and, cherishing insults and anger inside, people externally show a complete idyll and "we parted amicably." It is not necessary to do this, because of this the stomach can get sick. It is better to bring this thought to another extreme: he was in my life, for years or a couple of months, if only for one evening - but he is a part of my life. And your life and your own past must be loved and respected.
I just love my own.
illustrations: Masha Shishova