“Hosting is not fair”: What do those who are ignored without explanations feel

REPRESENT THAT YOU GOT ON A DATE, WAS BORED, THE CONVERSATION DIDN'T TALK, and still the person writes, calls and offers to meet again. In this situation, you can act politely and explain why you no longer want to communicate - although it is not clear what reaction you will encounter. And you can simply do not answer - it will end anyway anyway. If not, there is always a blacklist.

This behavior is called "ghosting" from the English ghost - "ghost." It seems to be appealing to everyone: passions after a date, annoying friends, almost regular partners, and even parents. So, you will never guess whether you will be stopping today - or they will stink you. We understand why we so often avoid explaining what people feel as if they are a victim of someone else's silence, and in what cases a moderate guest content can be useful.

I met a guy in a bar, we went on a couple dates. He gave me flowers, somehow even met me from the station and dragged my suitcase. In general, I was completely confident that he liked me. We had sex, met several times a week. He introduced me to his friends, always took the initiative - he called me to a bar or cinema. And suddenly, after a month and a half, he disappeared and stopped responding to messages for no apparent reason.

A week before, he wrote that he had a dam at work and he could not meet on weekdays. I reacted normally, I thought that we would go somewhere on the weekend. On Friday, I wrote to him myself to find out how he was doing and what happened to the weekend. He answered dryly that he did not know yet. After that, he stopped responding to messages and never wrote again. Most likely, he no longer wanted to see each other, but he was afraid to say so directly.

We didn’t have any serious relations, so I have too strong experiences. I just felt strange and did not fully understand what was happening. I did not blame myself. Well, maybe only in the fact that after several more times he wrote to him drunk in the style: "What are you, dog?" By the way, he still has my friends on Facebook and watches my story on instagram.

I myself have never treated anyone and I consider it unethical. I understand that in this way people try to avoid drama and the need to answer unpleasant questions. But it’s one thing to stalk a stalker - and it’s quite another when you do this to a person with whom you spoke or had sex. This is just not fair.

I got tired twice. We saw one of the guys a couple of times and, apparently, should have started dating. But then he began to ignore me ugly: did not write, did not call, did not respond to messages. This happened because of my weight - I learned that he was embarrassed exactly that. In the end, however, we still began to meet: for his sake, I lost twelve kilograms, but I felt miserable. The second time I was ignored by a guy with whom, as it seemed to me, we had an affair at first sight. About a week we kissed, swore each other in love, and then he just disappeared, without really explaining anything.

In both cases, I blamed myself and felt terrible emptiness and loneliness. I could not sleep, thinking at what point I was wrong. Going is awful. It is unpleasant when, instead of even the most offensive conversation, a person chooses to ignore you. I think hosting is acceptable only if we are talking about someone who could be potentially dangerous. But personally, I never let anyone go, not even a former partner who threatened me with physical violence — I think everyone deserves an explanation.

One time I went to a very nice guy: we went on a date, I liked him as a friend, so I agreed to the second meeting. It became clear that he was counting on something more, but I was not. Then I did not find the strength to tell him directly - I was afraid to hurt his feelings. He called me to concerts, dates, and I just did not respond to messages. Then karma overtook me: the guy who liked me began to pester me, and I realized how unpleasant it was when people ignored you: I felt like an abandoned toy. Since then, I have promised myself no one else to do so.

Before that, I was also bored: after the first or second meeting, the guys stopped communicating. I was very young, I thought I could find the reason for this behavior. I read websites and forums about relationships - I picked up the most incredible excuses. I think in such a situation the main thing is not to look for reasons - you are just not interested in a person. The first time I blamed myself, but then I stopped. The next time I met a guy I wanted to flatten, I decided not to do it. He hinted at a serious relationship, but I thanked for the meeting and said that I was ready to be friends, but not to meet. I do not know what he felt, but he responded friendly.

I used to have a girlfriend who constantly complained about life and generally behaved very toxic, using me as a vest for tears. For a long time I tried to help her, but nothing worked. She didn’t appreciate my efforts, so I just started to touch her; it seems that over time she realized that this was not just the case. Now we communicate, but as acquaintances. I have no regrets about this decision: of course, hosting is unpleasant, but sometimes there can be no other choice.

This girl was a model - I was subscribed to her social networks and saw a post that she came to Moscow. I just ended the relationship, and I wanted something uncomplicated. I wrote to her - she invited me to take a walk. We met, talked a lot, passed through Moscow almost until the morning. The girl was very friendly, and I did not see any signs that she did not like something. Then I ordered a taxi, hugged her - it seemed to me that everything suits her, but maybe I did not recognize the signals. I took her home, but she did not invite me to her.

An hour later she wrote: she apologized and offered to meet when I would be in St. Petersburg, where she lives. A few days later I wrote to her myself - she responded a week later, and then disappeared altogether. A month later, I arrived in St. Petersburg, called her - she did not pick up the phone and sent me to the blacklist "VKontakte". I do not understand why it was impossible to explain that she simply does not want to communicate with me. I think the fact is that there are a lot of people like me in her life - she liked many and just spent her time rationally. I went to bed, woke up and everything - I was no longer in her life.

I myself, when I want a one-night relationship, try to pronounce it as clearly as possible at the very beginning. Sometimes girls don't understand this, but then I repeat it again. Although a couple of times it happened that in the end it simply merged, referring to employment or lack of time, and then did not respond. But so that to abyss in general, no, it is quite cattle.

I gossip often, usually after meeting with young people who are not interested in me in a romantic way. For me to become invisible - the easiest way to make it clear that nothing else will be tested on personal experience. I used to try to explain and faced a bunch of questions: many could not calm down, found out the details. As a result, I had the feeling that this way I only hurt everyone more. Plus, some people think that if you keep answering, it means that you are still interested - although in fact this is a common politeness. Sometimes I was ashamed of such behavior if I met with any of these people in common companies. But I’m not sure that if we separated differently, they would have looked friendlier to me.

What I am truly ashamed of is the periodic visitoring of one friend: she is a good person, but, unfortunately, I cannot communicate with her as much as she wants. I can’t reply to all the messages that are pouring on me like a bag, so I sometimes disappear for a week or so. She constantly wants to know what I'm doing or where I'm going. No problem, I can tell about it at the meeting, but to constantly report to the person is strange. It used to offend her, but then I explained the situation, and she seemed to understand. At the same time, we have been friends for more than fifteen years.

I used to flatten my own parents. The fact is that as soon as it starts to seem to me that someone is trying to control me, I lock up and try to escape. So from time to time I could not answer their calls and messages for a whole week - apparently, it was something in the spirit of a late teenage riot. I don’t know how right it was to ignore them, but sometimes it’s easier to disappear than to explain what you don’t like.

Daria Grosheva

FAMILY PSYCHOLOGIST AND FOUNDER OF THE FAMILYBUILDING PROJECT

Honest conversation - it's scary, because it involves the reaction of the interlocutor, who will hear something unpleasant. It is not known what will happen next - a person gets angry or upset, and then what to do with it. Moreover, such avoidance allows one to oust their own feelings, but honest talk is not. You don't want it, but when the other reacts emotionally, then you too are involved. Of course, everyone scares his own. Someone - anger, someone - tears (because if they cry because of your fault, you seem to be a sadist), someone, on the contrary, is indifference, whom you do not want to face. Therefore, to avoid and disappear is a tempting opportunity to get by with a little blood.

We can’t dissuade yourself from hosting, you can only conduct honest dialogues with yourself and ask yourself the questions: “What will happen in this conversation for me?”, “How can I cope with this?”, “If the worst happens, as I will I respond? " And those with whom they did it, it is worth remembering that if a person decided to disappear, then this is his choice, and he is associated with his own experiences. However, it is still terribly unpleasant, because the unknown is worse than even the feelings of one’s own guilt.

True, sometimes disappearance is indeed the only way to end a relationship. For example, in dependent and co-dependencies, when there is no way to break the bond that hurts both partners. Someone alone can say goodbye, erase the number and never answer or come again. It will be better than parting gradually.

Photo: Tribe of the Haze, Luella, Punky Pins, Magic Circle, Rotofugi

Watch the video: Girls Will Keep Ignoring If You Don't Use These Psychology Tactics! (May 2024).