"Jade rod trampled in the waiting room": People about the first sexual experience
DEVELOPMENT AND HER "LOSS" SOCIETY CONTINUOUSLY pays great attention. We have already said that in traditional ideas about first sex there are a lot of heteronormative patriarchal attitudes. In reality, everything is more complicated: the first experience does not necessarily imply penetration, and the myth that first sex cannot be pleasant and should bring pain often leads to the fact that women face violence. In addition, it is for the first time that, rather than (or apart from) orgasm, the probability of embarrassment, disappointment and shame is high. We asked different people to tell what their first sexual experience was and how it affected their future relationships and sexuality.
In early childhood, I experienced sexual abuse. Memory blocked it for a very long time. When I realized what exactly happened, I was afraid that after that there might be no sex life. But everything worked out. My first partner was older than me: I was twenty-one, he was thirty-three. I was very religious, believed that sex should be only after marriage, so I waited so long. Then I realized that this approach was not at all close to me: it is important that the partner in all respects suits me, and there can be a lot of surprises with sex after marriage.
Before sex, we met for about six months, got used to each other, caressed. But penetration sex was very special. My partner took a room in a country hotel, ordered wine, lit candles. I also prepared - went to the gynecologist. She said that the main thing is not to worry, to relax. It was evident that she was pleased with my awareness.
The man was experienced. Everything was mutual and very nice. After the first night and then we could lie for a long time and discuss what we liked, what didn’t, what I would like to try. He constantly said compliments to me, my body, admired when something was particularly cool. We met for more than three years, we learned each other well, including what we like about sex. And now I love to discuss sex, I can send a partner. True, not everyone responds calmly, many are embarrassed to discuss sex, they are offended when I say how I like it. For me, this was a revelation. If I hurt or feel uncomfortable, I will stop everything. If I do not want sex, I will not make excuses. And I understand that a partner may not want sex or be too tired. My opinion about my own sexuality will not change even what a partner may not get up: I understand that there may be a million physiological reasons or I just excite him not as much as we thought - it happens.
After the first partner, I had at least great sex only with the second, with whom we also met for about three years. I realized that before sex I need a person to find out, to want him and to feel safe with him. Otherwise, nothing happens.
My first experience was at twenty. I met with a guy more than six months. We loved each other and decided it was time to move to a new level. He was also twenty, I had to be his second girlfriend. In the absence of another option, we chose an extremely unfortunate place - a student hostel, where there is always noise and op, constantly pull the door. I could not relax, squeezed hips, clenched teeth. In romance novels they write as "the jade rod broke into the cave of the divine lotus," but that rod was timidly trampling in the waiting room. After an hour of ordeal, the guy still couldn’t enter me: I was in pain, now scared. We decided that we will try next time. And here we lie, talk, he caresses me with his hand and suddenly makes a sharp movement. In my eyes darkened, in the lower abdomen - hellish pain. I did not even understand what had happened, and for another minute screamed and squirmed. It turned out the guy decided to "deprive" my virginity by hand.
I started to bleed a lot. I went barefoot to a common shower on the floor, a bloody trail followed me. I remember very well the fear that I was standing on the rusty basement of the shower cabin, I was crying and I saw that blood was streaming out of me, I don’t know what to do. The guy bought me a gasket, I somehow got home, in the subway, everything flowed through my legs. Another week I had blood, as during heavy periods, and then the menstruation was not six months. Ten years have passed, and the cycle has not recovered.
The stupidest thing I did then was not saying anything to anyone. My mother would take me to a gynecologist, but I was ashamed to confess to her. Like all the doctors I went to after. Then I was able to give birth to children, and so I didn’t tell any gynecologist about it - I still don’t know exactly what happened. Now I am a maniac on the part of gynecology, I am constantly undergoing tests, doing ultrasound.
We broke up with that guy. After half a year I had already quiet sex, everything was fine - and this time I consider it the first. I still feel mental trauma. I like sex by myself, but if during it I have something sore or prick, then there can be no talk of any pleasure. Without lubrication, it’s pointless to approach me at all. I told about this, to warn, as accurately should not be.
My first sexual experience was rather late, at twenty-four, with a guy. A few years later I had my first experience with a girl. Both times were nice. Before sex with a guy, I was very notorious; I had talked with a girl for several years before, but because of timidity and uncertainty, no more kisses went on. Apparently, because of this, she began to consider me to be just a friend - and for me she was something like the Klokovskaya Beautiful Lady, I wrote songs to her. When we went to the country to ski in the winter and I, stirring the coals in the furnace, suggested we try to live together, she replied that she was getting married in the summer. It was then that I began to open the other side of myself. The first sex with a guy turned out to be easier, more trusting, more pleasant than I thought - especially the intimacy, the touch. Well, it helped to accept oneself, one's body, desires. The experience with the girl later was also easier than it seemed to me.
On the one hand, sex is only part of the relationship, I think that you can’t build anything on it alone. On the other hand, this implies great trust, sincerity, and in this regard I am a selective person. Love or in love for me inspires sexual intimacy.
I had my first oral sex experience early: I was fifteen, my girlfriend was a year more. We met at a concert, kissed that evening, it was my first kiss. There were severe frosts, so I immediately went to visit her - only on Sundays, other days were busy with my studies. We usually spent all the time in her room. In the next was her father, a police major, so we loudly turned on the Aria group. From talk and hugs, we moved on to more passionate kisses and caresses.
She was not against being left without clothes, but she wanted to see me with nothing more than a bare-chested one. Previously, she already had a sexual experience with penetration, physically painful, and she did not want a repetition. So we came to cunnilingus. I was interested in any sexual experience, and she was glad of such closeness. We continued to meet on Sundays. I liked everything, but I still made it clear that I was interested in other practices. She decided that I wanted to do what had once hurt her. Because of this, we broke up. Perhaps I was too persistent.
My first blowjob is preceded by a case that can not be mentioned. In the sixth or seventh grade, I witnessed oral rape. After physical education, my classmates in the locker room leaned on the boy, and one of them touched a member of his lips. The victim was teased for a long time "lowered", he began to skip lessons, he had to transfer. It was so nightmarish that I tried to forget about it as soon as possible. But, probably, the subconsciously began to associate blowjob at me with humiliation.
My first blowjob experience was in my university years. I knew that I liked one friend, but she did not really attracted me. Once she called for a visit "to fool around". Curiosity got the better, I went. She laughed, I was timid, it amused her even more. Sex lasted about an hour, I could not finish. Then she offered to give a blowjob, I agreed - but in the process I began to feel even more insecure. An erection began to disappear. I brought the girl to orgasm with your fingers. We drank tea and I left.
I was glad that I had sex so easily, although I had the feeling that I was used. The girl also loosened up all the common acquaintances. Soon I lost my interest in sex for a long time, for sure this experience was one of the reasons.
Getting under the influence of an abuzer is dangerous - especially when he becomes the first partner. I met a guy in the app. I was in love - and it didn’t matter to me that I had to take the metro for an hour and a half to meet me, and then listen to a tirade about being ten minutes late. I dreamed that the first partner would be my husband, and wanted this with him. Suppose we were only a month familiar, I was ready to go for a man blindly.
His demands began gradually, from "I will be with you," "Everything will be fine" to "I need it!" Only three years later, I understand that he pressed on me. And I can not forget the phrase that constantly accompanied our intimate life: "Say thank you for not going to the left. Others are being dumped from home every Friday."
Of course, I was afraid, for me it was a serious step: I thought that virginity makes a girl valuable. Now, of course, it is clear that I was wrong. The first time I was able to say no, but I was afraid of losing him - and after another persuasion I agreed. I came to visit him. He is a cook by training, I was hoping to see something unusual, but he just ordered rolls and bought wine. We drank, and I doubted to the end. But two bottles of wine made themselves felt, and we were in the room. I was not hurt or scared, I completely relaxed. He was very attentive, listened to all my requests. He repeated: "Do not be afraid", "I will be with you" - but I did not have time to get pleasure. He said that he had not had a girl for a long time, which is probably why everything ended before he could start. After sex, we went into the shower, hugged and talked about everything and nothing. This was the only moment in two years of relationships that I would not want to change.
After a while he began to blackmail me with treason and parting. When he wanted sex (not just every day, but preferably in the morning and in the evening), he thought that I needed to forget about a headache, a twisted leg, or menstruation. My work and study did not play a role either. A month later, I moved in with him. He became tougher, every day he needed to change something. He wanted to be what he could not be in public - a tyrant, a powerful one - and he threw all this out in bed. We had sex everywhere: in the kitchen, in the bedroom, on the balcony and even on the roof. But the worst thing is that he demanded oral sex every day. He stopped conversations with girlfriends, read social networks, checked calls, arranged scandals.
Two years later, I went to my parents in another city for two weeks, but in the end I stayed for a month. I understood that I did not want to return to that horror. He offered to go together to the sea, and I decided to give the relationship one last chance. When we arrived, it turned out that he lost all the money on betting. I paid for the rest and came back with a strong desire to hide. She secretly rented an apartment, transported some of the things there, once she took him to work, ordered a car, packed up her bags and left, leaving her keys under the rug. For several months he continued to call and write to me, asked for forgiveness and begged not to leave him.
At that difficult moment, I met the current man. He was not jealous and did not roll up scandals, but helped to understand himself. At first, I was even afraid to talk about sex, but he said that he would wait, as long as necessary, that sex is not paramount. Of course, at first it was unusual, I shuddered at every touch and tried in every way to delay the moment. It was hard to step over and learn to enjoy the moment. Experts write that you need to urgently turn to psychologists, sexologists and other doctors. But I managed it myself. In such situations, it is important to understand that there is someone with you who not only listens, but hears you. If a partner respects and appreciates you, he will never do what you do not want.
I grew up in a family where the words "sex" and "dick" were not spoken aloud. Mom taught to “keep honor in her youth” and follow the rule “Once one husband”. I can not say that she was wrong - I just had no luck as much as she and my dad.
We were both students. Then I thought that since the flowers did not give, she didn't walk much, then there was simply no money. Wrong. My "poor student" did not try to do anything at all, he studied poorly and reluctantly, he was repeatedly expelled. His work did not attract him either, he was spending his free time on computer games.
We were both inexperienced virgins. On the one hand, I waited and hoped for emotional intimacy, on the other - there was a fear of physiology. But it turned out that everything is not so scary - only it hurts, quickly and incomprehensibly. After sex, adrenaline surpassed, my heart jumped out - but the process itself did not meet my expectations. Now the first sex, like the one with whom he was, seems ridiculous and unpleasant.
My low self-esteem did not allow me to part. Plus, upbringing and sacrifice interfered: "He is not very good, but I will still be with him, because we are so much connected." I blindly believed that this was the way everyone lived, and I was just afraid of difficulties. After four years of wandering around the apartments, "as long as there are no parents, we will be quick enough," I issued an ultimatum: get married. Now I understand that it was necessary to run, because such ultimatums do not give from big love. Instead, we got married. Sex oppressed routine and monotony. He did not want to learn new things. I have never imitated orgasms, but there were very few of them. I had no one to compare, I thought that such sex at all.
Four years later, he filed for divorce, because I allegedly cheated and did not love him. I began to go to a psychotherapist, and new horizons opened up for me. Sexologist suggested how to cope with the complexes and accept the experience of the past. She explained that bad experience is only part of working on one’s life. I started a different life, where the pleasure of orgasm and of everything that happens in it as a whole, depend only on myself and my choice.
I always liked girls, but I didn’t give myself this report. I fell in love with them, but I thought I was fascinated by friendship. And then she fell in love not with a girlfriend, but she still could not call herself a lesbian: you never know who she is?
I was married for eight years, and I terribly disliked sex with my husband - but I thought that other women suffer the same way. The husband shamed me and called me frigid, since I do not want sex with penetration. I was hurt, unpleasant and still ashamed of the fact that I did not like it. And I, in turn, asked my husband to do all sorts of strange things, for example, to be more passive. I tried to make it up, persuaded to wear a skirt, dress, robe. Spread his hair - he had long, because I forbade him to cut it. He didn't like this, of course. I also constantly offered him sex with a strap-on - with me in an active role, of course - he was terrified. It seemed to me that he was just doing everything wrong. And also boring.
Then I wanted a divorce, and when I got it, I decided to get acquainted with the girls in a tinder. On dates with men, I never felt sexual desire, and when I started dating girls, the desire was so strong that it was difficult for me to even think and speak coherently. I was very worried that the man would not fit me in bed again, so the relationship with my first girlfriend began with sex. For the first few seconds I just looked at her, and it seemed to me that I was going crazy with happiness right now. Since I myself did not like penetrating sex, I decided to ask just in case what she wanted me to do with her. She was very embarrassed: "Well, as usual." But I did not know what "normal" is. She still had to overcome the confusion and explain what she was waiting for. The biggest discovery for me was that there can be so much emotion in sex. I also realized that good sex in many ways was about altruism, and not how I was married, when we both just wanted to reach orgasm and that’s all. Never before has a person spent so much effort to please me, my desires were not so important for anyone before. So I fell in love imperceptibly because of this altruism.
For a long time I was only in an active role. I did not like penetrating sex in the accepting role, but a year later it turned out that I was mistaken and he was beautiful. So strange, because everything is happening the same, but for some reason it was a nightmare with a man, and with a woman - the sky in diamonds.
My first and only homosexual experience occurred when I was about twenty. I learned the world in different ways, including such. I had many homosexual acquaintances, I was in the LGBT group of my city - I met a girl in her. I can't say that I liked her very much, but she liked me. Она была внимательной и заботливой, мы проводили время вместе, хотя отношений не было.
Однажды я оказалась у неё в гостях. Предполагалось, что я просто останусь переночевать - но после того, как я оказалась в её постели, она призналась, что хочет меня. И я не отказалась. Я не хотела её, но хотела получить первый такой опыт. Так как она была опытной, я ожидала потрясающих эмоций и всего самого прекрасного, что может быть в сексе.
Пока она была в душе, я сильно волновалась, предвкушала. И вот она вышла. "Что мне делать?! Как себя вести?!" - крутилось в моей голове, когда она начала меня целовать. Она спустилась ниже. И - ничего не произошло. Точнее, не произошло ничего особенного. There were neither enchanting sensations, nor vivid emotions, nor amazing impressions. It was just the first experience, and nothing more. We quickly finished and went to bed. I digested what happened in my head. Emotions galloped about interest to disappointment. And yet I did not regret.
Our sex has remained just sex. The only thing that I brought out of that time is that cunnilingus for a girl is not mine. In general, this sex became for me a "test" of my bisexuality and helped me understand myself a little better.
Photo: Dmitry V. Petrenko - stock.adobe.com (1, 2, 3)