"Try to shout": Tatiana Felgengauer about life after an attack
A few months ago, one of the worst stories happened. last year: an unidentified man broke through to the Echo of Moscow editorial office and attacked journalist Tatyana Felgengauer - he struck her twice with a knife in the throat. Last week, the attacker was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
Tatiana Felgengauer herself, who had returned to work before the new year, continues to broadcast on Echo, she lives an ordinary life and does not hide a noticeable scar on her neck. At our request, the journalist spoke about the attack and addiction to injury.
Attack
On that day, as usual, I spent the morning air with co-host Alexander Ivy, went to a meeting and returned to the room, which we call guest, to finish something. I sat looking at the phone when I felt that someone with a strong hand grabbed my neck and turned my head. And then there was already a knife strike - and I realized that they were trying to cut my throat. Before this man was dragged away from me, he managed to make two cuts. Apparently, I somehow fought back: I had a rather wide cut on the finger of my right hand, and finally he managed to slash me in the face.
I ran out of the room, along with me down to the first floor down one of our assistants, Ida Sharapova. From there, we and our other colleagues started calling an ambulance - she arrived eight to ten minutes later. All this time I have been waiting for her, actively clamping my unhappy neck, from which gushing blood. At that moment for some reason it was very important for me not to lose consciousness. Apparently, all the scanned medical series suddenly suddenly resurfaced in my memory, and I held the wounds very tightly while I was strong enough. Then I asked to be helped - weakening is really very fast. I always said: "Do not let me faint, talk to me!"
The ambulance doctors arrived, put a professional bandage on me, put a catheter, hooked me up to something - well, in general, we started doing the necessary things. At this point, I have already decided that everything will be fine. Of course, while I was waiting for the ambulance, I had a momenty thought that I could not wait and die, but I immediately drove it away. It would be just very stupid to die on the first floor at the entrance. Probably, the surgeons of the Sklifosovsky Institute for the first time saw a person who wants to reach the operating table as soon as possible, behaves very disciplined, quickly throws off all his clothes, croaking, explains what happened ... In general, I now recall this with a smile.
script, I was lucky. I was lucky that I was brought to the institute of Sklifosovsky with his brilliant surgeons who literally saved me, and then they were also lucky. When the tube was pulled out, it turned out that I can breathe by myself - and this is very good, because I didn’t have to have a tracheostomy and cut my throat again. Later they returned me to the intensive care unit, the doctors came and said: "Well, try to shout." I portrayed something vile, they say: "No, let's do it again, you can do better!" So we tried to make sounds with them in different ways. At first the voice was a bit hoarse, but then it was restored, and it became clear that the vocal cords were not affected, I say normally.
I had very serious injuries on my left neck — there was a lot of intertwined there, and everyone was worried if I could swallow. This was also a test, but the outcome was again the best possible: I asked to quickly pull the probe out of my nose, through which I was fed nutritious mixtures. I was warned that it would be difficult for me to get food, because I can not chew and swallow. To this I replied that I would live on a drink, just to get rid of the probe: feeding through the nose is not a pleasant feeling. I was already in a regular ward when he was dragged out.
The amendment was fast, even the doctors were surprised. The young healthy body coped well, and the experts did an excellent job. It seems that after about twelve days I already begged to let me go home. There was nothing to do with me - it was just necessary to heal, and this can be done at home.
Scars and braces
I can not say that I was walking a long time to the ironic perception of this situation. Before being transferred to a regular ward, I asked to see what my neck looked like. I went to the mirror that was hanging over the sink, and saw almost nothing - because I don’t see very well. And then, I do not know, because of what, for the first time in my life I almost fainted. I felt that the floor was slipping out from under my feet, and said: "Oh, doctor, something is not good for me."
Then the same thing happened when the first few times touched the neck. And the aesthetic sensations were interesting - I had never seen seams with brackets before; they seemed to me to be cool in my own way. And when I saw how my finger was sewn, I realized that I was caught by a traumatologist with a keen sense of beauty. A five-seam smile was formed on my finger - the beautiful work of a professional delighted me. It was impossible to take it as a flaw. No, from the very beginning everything that happened was a miracle for me: the miracle of the doctors' skill, the miracle of coincidence.
I will not hide - I was very worried about what would happen to the face. I had one seam on the lip, but I still did not know that it was a light scratch. From there, blood flowed in the same way, that's all. I thought, “Damn it, I didn’t have enough of a walk to Joker:“ Why so serious? ”“ But in the end the damage remained unnoticeable. Only scars on the neck are visible. I have one cosmetic scar, it will not be visible soon, it is perfectly even. The second part, where there was a complicated, torn, large wound, which was fastened with staples, turned into a noticeable scar. But I don’t think about him and almost don’t feel him, although he reminds himself of an unpleasant feeling, when the skin pulls a little - it will still heal for a long time. I worry much more about what no one sees: I have a branch of the facial nerve affected and my lower lip opens only on one side.
Sometimes people around me suggest that I now need to give scarves and scarves, but why? I am pleased when the neck "breathes", and the fictitious need to close it with something causes me only bewilderment. Some people ask if I will have plastic surgery, and I don’t know that either: scars are formed for a very long time and it is not known how they will look, for example, in a year. I was really happy when I was allowed to wash my face, wash my hair, go to a manicure and to a beautician. Permission to fully go to cosmetology procedures and face massage, I waited with impatience - I loved all that before the attack, so that in my care for myself nothing would change. I can not say that after the attempt I began to look at myself in the mirror somehow more closely. The only thing that pisses me off is when they say to me: "You look so good, you are so thin, so great!" I so want to say: "Guys, if you knew why I lost weight, you would not be so happy."
I can take it and pass this test with dignity or with hysteria that I do not want to roll. Psychologically, I am now, of course, difficult. I was confronted with what many people are facing - post-traumatic stress disorder. This is a very serious thing, it is necessary to work with it, and professionals also help me with this. I am well aware of the fact that I can react inadequately to some things, I can be frightened by some person, because it will seem to me that he is following me. But it will all pass - you need to adequately assess what I encountered, without wringing hands and torn hair.
At some time, a kind of therapy for me was the opportunity to tell and feel free to show. But then again, if you follow my instagram, there are only three or four photos dedicated to scars. I can’t call it a statement, but I definitely didn’t want it to look like I was crouching in a corner and afraid. I'm not going to be afraid of anyone and I definitely don’t want anyone to decide for me whether I live or not live. A short demonstration helped me recover a little, it was a big step forward. But now I do not perceive the open wearing of a scar as a challenge - it just happened that he is in the open. Now, with the gradual disappearance of physical sensations, I often do not pay attention to him.
What I have changed for sure - probably, I have become less tolerant. I no longer want to waste time on people who dislike me. If earlier I tried to somehow understand and forgive everyone, now I won’t spend time on it at all, because it is not enough. And, alas, it can end very suddenly. Therefore, I learned quite hard to "cut off" people - everything, they are no longer in my life. Still, as it turned out, I have many other good ones.
