“You don’t look sick”: Why is it customary in Russia to suffer
Olga Lukinskaya
Three days ago, actress and model Stella Baranovskaya died of leukemia. When, after making a diagnosis, there was a collection of money for treatment, she was accused of fraud - after all, in the eyes of society, the oncological patient should not routinely look good and publish photos in social networks. Otherwise, the person seems to be “insufficiently” sick and does not seem to deserve help and sympathy. “Something you don’t look sick” is an expression of distrust familiar to many, as if looking after a cold or poisoning should be done in a strictly defined way.
Probably, dozens of years of corruption at all levels led to total distrust and the search for a dirty trick in every little thing - when for a small bribe or a gift you can take a sick leave for a week or a certificate exempting from physical education. How many of us had to hide from the teacher, seeing her on the street during a cold, - suddenly think that in fact there is no cold, but what about the help, did the parents agree? Although it is obvious that with ARVI you can and should walk in the fresh air, and you don’t need to go to school in order to recover better and not infect others. We are accustomed from childhood that even this most common cold is a big event that must be treated with a dozen of remedies and during which everything is forbidden, even washing - although it would seem that no one has recovered faster from the layer of dirt on the skin. According to domestic order, it turns out that, having gotten ill, instead of arranging a comfortable recovery for yourself, one should lie flat, turning into a shroud.
In part, this is reminiscent of a violent story in a situation where the victim, in one's opinion, “holds too well”. If the incident did not break you, did not bring you to hospital or suicide, then this is nonsense, not violence. It is not clear why others do not do the opposite: they do not admire the strength of character, the ability to survive the trauma and live on, smile, make friends. Moreover, human behavior in humans can hardly convey one hundred percent of his inner experiences. Efforts, turned outward, can have a therapeutic effect, help to enter the norm and not get hung up on a tragic accident - whereas the negative reaction of others can reduce this entire effect to nothing.
In a society where both the experience of violence and a serious illness are devalued, no achievements are also considered as such - if they did not have to go through suffering for their sake. The patient should be pale, the victim of violence - in perpetual depression, the mother - exhausted. Teach your child to sleep in a separate room from the early months - this is not your merit, this is a "gift child." You also make a manicure without separation from the baby - just like a bad mother, somehow suspiciously easy for you. They built a career, successfully emigrated, received several higher educations - all this is not considered if you are from a full family and have not been able to get out of poverty.
On the other hand, if someone admits that he is faced with a serious illness or treatment that takes away all the forces, the opposite reaction begins. “Hang on,” “cheer up,” “pull yourself together, a rag” - it doesn't matter to society that chemotherapy can cause severe vomiting or such stomatitis that makes it difficult even to drink water. A sick person turns out to be between two fires: he has shown that he is unwell, “raskis”, leads an active lifestyle - well, probably not too sick. In both cases, however, the experience of others is devalued: instead of compassion, the audience simply tries to isolate itself as soon as possible from the fact that we never know for sure what happens in the life of another person: what he feels, what he wants, and what effort he makes.
A sick person turns out to be between two fires: he has shown that he is unwell, - “raskis”, leads an active lifestyle - well, probably not too sick
There is hardly any kind of “normative” level of suffering that will suit everyone, and why should a sick person actually seek public approval instead of unconditional support? We often write about people with serious and potentially fatal diseases, including cancer, and they tell us how important it is to continue to be active and enjoy life. After making such a diagnosis as breast cancer, many have a new prioritization: when it is clear that life may not be so long, I want to enjoy it every day.
Unfortunately, little attention is paid to the quality of life in our medicine - this is due to the fact that it developed in isolation from the world, and with an obvious lack of funding. If in the West great importance is attached to the management of pain or simply palliative care, then we have such patients by the residual principle - practically nothing. The initiative usually comes not from the Ministry of Health, but from private charitable foundations - Elizaveta Glinka, for example, did a lot for palliative care in the country.
A separate story - a critic for refusing chemotherapy from those who suffered it themselves, which Stella Baranovskaya had to listen to on the program "Live". I would like to remind you that there are hundreds of oncological diseases, and there are dozens of protocols of chemotherapy, and all of them are transferred differently to different people. With metastatic cancer, in many cases we are no longer talking about the possibility of a cure - and doctors can give a choice: prolong life for several months with painful procedures or leave a person alone and try to make his remaining days as comfortable as possible. It's about quality of life, which should not be an empty sound.
Those who are engaged in bullying people with serious illnesses, accusing them of fraud or "insufficient" level of suffering, we can only wish themselves not to be in such a situation. Understand that they are wrong, but not on their own skin. Perhaps we all should be more attentive and kind, not to look for a catch and not to be suspicious. Anyone who continues to smile, move and go to work with a serious illness deserves no less respect than a person who apparently suffers from round-the-clock pain.
Photo: WavebreakmediaMicro - stock.adobe.com