Safe Space: Why I made a YouTube channel about feminism
In the past three years, cool materials about feminism. began to increasingly appear in the media or social networks. On the day I see a dozen posts on the rights of women in telegram channels, on weekends I read posts from advanced VKontakte public posts, feminist flashmobs seize Facebook several times a year.
But among thousands of Russian YouTube channels it’s hard to find at least twenty understandable and popular videos that any discrimination is bad. Video bloggers with millions of subscribers use sexist and homophobic statements, and some collect likes and views on the most popular videos due to misogyny, victimization or harassment. Many become known only because they make fun of people who seem to them to be ugly or wrong. So I decided to make a video blog with a different content.
Impostor Syndrome
Millions of users follow bloggers on Instagram and YouTube, a person with a popular channel in terms of influence can be compared to well-known media. I also like hard work alone, I'm not a team player. I know how to formulate and express thoughts, I love fooling around on the camera, although I am embarrassed. I used to dream of having a TV show, but on Russian television I would not be allowed to talk about the important. So two years ago, I decided to make a video blog.
It was difficult to decide: I'm brisk, but I picked up my self-esteem in a muddy puddle. To prepare, I went to the oratory course near the house. The monthly course flew by, I took second place in the group, learned to speak with the public and even participate in debates, but I still didn’t believe in myself. My companion of life is an impostor syndrome: whatever I do, it seems to me that I do not deserve attention and respect. Despite the relative reading, my opinion seems to me less valuable than the point of view of the typical "know-all." The “pretender” deceived me with the illusion that it’s ridiculous to talk about people's rights or the dangers of discrimination.
I also understood that everyone - parents, classmates, colleagues - would know what was going on in my head. I panicked, believing that no one would support the channel, except for my boyfriend and two girlfriends. "Sometime later," - so I put off his creation. After a year of thinking, I even pretended that I just didn’t want to shoot a video: there was a lot of work, but also training, English classes and so on. Do you know this reaction, when it is easier to pretend that you don’t need anything, than to admit that you are afraid?
Anger and Inspiration
At this time, my social circle was changing. It was uncomfortable with some acquaintances: they believed that they had the right to give an expert assessment to everything. For some reason, especially in what they do not understand. Their dogmatic judgments were repeated and did not bring any benefit. Once we had a fight over my body picture. Then I realized that even people who seem to be super-intelligent and are engaged in law and animal protection do not know too much about feminism or the ethics of communication on the Web. Some really believe that Internet harassment is constructive criticism, and victim gaming is good advice. It was painful to be disappointed, but then I realized that it was necessary to talk about it.
I am angry with poor quality or hater content. Every day I see videos with flat jokes in instagram recommendations and I think: there must be those who want to get other information instead of laughing for the thousandth time over "again, did not give" or "did not suck, but presented." I think people deserve respectful and informative blogs. I generally believe in people.
I write articles about feminism, LGBTQ + and sex-awareness - over the past two years I have met many journalists and activists. We overwhelm each other with mutual support, and I believe that I can do something myself from beginning to end. Of the Vlogera on YouTube, only Nick Vodwood spoke clearly about feminism. But on one of her useful videos in the search engine, dozens of clips with caricature images of obese people came out and the message “fat bodipositive women crush people like bulldozers.” I would like the interested person to receive a correct story from different people on his request, and not examples of harassment. It was Nick who helped me - she literally persuaded me to make a channel when I did not dare. And when my first video came out, Nika told about it to her subscribers.
First videos and reaction
I sketched out a content plan and a promotion strategy - and made the first video about body positivity. The text has been checked a million times so that he does not offend anyone or misinform. Then she tried not to think about it for a week. I made a video - I was distracted by work for another week. I was afraid that if I got down to business tightly and it would turn out imperfectly, then I would begin to depreciate myself and consider me to be a dummy. I was so worried that I accidentally erased pieces of video or did not save the montage - everything had to be done anew. I am shooting on the back of an old used iPhone 5S: the quality corresponds to the device. To balance the image, I bought a clothespin with extra cold light. For each video, I add subtitles for those who have poor hearing or difficulty concentrating.
The first video scattered across other pages and public pages, now he has twenty-five thousand views. In the second, about the hair on the body - one hundred thousand. I think I was helped by journalistic experience: I understood that in the video, as in the text, it is important to transmit information briefly, succinctly and dynamically. Then hundreds of people who watched the video sent me joyful messages with support — I tried to answer everyone and burned out. The channel eats up a lot of time, you need to revise the usual routine of the day and week, and this is also a big stress. Two days after the first video was published, I spent it as if it were the worst days of my life: in a panic and with a traffic jam in my throat. It was impossible to take even yesterday’s deadlines.
Good reviews flew through my head, and those few people who tried to impose their ignorance, I perceived painfully. Each “critic” requires emotional maintenance and detailed explanations, although information on many disputes can be easily found on the Internet. People do not understand that discrimination or harm that is being persecuted is not a subjective point of view, but facts. Irritating in such cases is not someone else's opinion, different from mine, but the lack of a communication culture. Eight out of ten acquaintances who criticize my videos are the guys I used to like. Maybe they believe that their long-standing sympathy gives the right to take as much of my attention as possible. Or maybe it’s important to show disappointment that I’ve become a “too” feminist.
Comments in the spirit of "would rather have you shot, scum" also did not keep them waiting. But I do not care about such reactions. I wrote articles on unsafe topics, after one text calls were received from unknown persons. Against this background, bad things on the Internet look like a Chihuahua yelping. I simply delete the wicked comments: I don’t allow people to say bad things about me and offline, and I don’t want to read such words under my videos either.
Safe space
Because of the symptoms of mild borderline disorder, it is difficult for me to motivate myself and stay in a rut for a long time. But I came up with an incentive. Now eight thousand people have signed up for the channel. For example, over time, one hundred thousand will sign up. This means that approximately as many girls and boys will be able to better resist stereotypes, harassment, abuse and violence. If i will be greatbutI am an audience, I can effectively help funds, crisis centers and shelters. Also, I hope someday these ideas and videos will reach the southern regions of Russia and the CIS, in which they also speak Russian. There the rights of women are very bad.
This altruism helps me too. When I was a teenager, I felt lonely and eccentric. Those who listen to - parents, teachers, adults - said that everything that I do or think is wrong. Already at the age of twelve I knew that the family hearth and the birth of children is not my meaning in life. I saw my mother, tired after work, wear tea to her boyfriend ten times a night when he watches TV on the couch. Every day she cooked fresh food, because he does not like to eat yesterday’s mashed potatoes. He was a good guy, but I noticed that this relationship is unfair.
I went through a dozen of the abuzz relations — I was also in the role of an abuzer, but more often I was a victim. Only after this was it possible to unhook from toxic behavior. This happens to everyone: in Russia, a lot of teenagers with whom parents cannot communicate, who are bullied by teachers, who have toxic relationships with friends or partners. It is difficult to verify the adequacy of their feelings in the closed world of a family, school or university. If there is no one to support the person, without judging his feelings or appearance, even a stranger from YouTube can be a great help. On the channel, I post videos related to feminism, veganism, and soon I’ll talk about conscious consumption, civil rights, and travel. I know that some familiar girls will soon start making videos too. I'm sure in a couple of years we will be able to build a secure online community.
