"Just such a strong love": How to escape from a stalker
THIS WEEK FOR THE RADIOUSNESS "MOSCOW ECHO" TATIANA FELGENGAUER attacked with a knife. Felgenhauer is already on the mend, and the court arrested the attacking man - Boris Grits, who partially admitted his guilt. Nevertheless, this story once again reminded us that no one is immune from harassment either in social networks or in real life (which become integral parts of each other), and their consequences can be truly terrible.
We have already talked about how to protect yourself from cyberskilling, and now we talked to girls who faced persecution in real and virtual life, and found out how the police react to such situations and what could be dangerous for a former partner. They also asked the head of the Violent Internet project, the executive director of AIDS / CENTER, and Anna Rivina, a law candidate, to help draw up instructions for people who faced persecution.
Change your usual route
If you suspect that you are being persecuted near your home or work, try changing your usual routes, leaving the apartment, and so on. If you can, take your friends or colleagues with you, ask your relatives or partner to meet you at the bus stop or at the subway. Think about the conditions in which you usually come across a potential stalker - you may have to abandon your morning walks with your dog or change the time of yoga sessions. Tell your friends about the situation so that if something happens, they can quickly go to the police or at least start calling your acquaintances.
Useful applications that will help track your geolocation by phone - tell your loved ones about it. They can use the basic “Find iPhone” if they have access to your Apple ID. You can also install the application "Violence.net", which has a SOS-button and addresses of all crisis centers. In the West, there is also SafeTrek, which calls the police in case of trouble. Other options are Guardly, Circle of 6, MyForce, Panic Guard. In 2016, Ekaterina Romanovskaya, together with Leonid Bereshchansky and Nikita Marshansky, created the Nimb ring, which also has an alarm button. When clicked, it sends a push notification to people whom the user has indicated as a “circle of trust”. We are waiting for the ring to be available for sale.
To be honest, I think that I faced a not very aggressive form of stalking. I met this man by chance at a bus stop. It turned out that we live nearby. At first glance, the guy seemed to me quite adequate - we started an unobtrusive tar-talk, after which everyone left at his stop. Later he added me on social networks. I do not know how he did it, because we did not exchange contacts.
He repeatedly offered me to meet, but I did not see much sense: at that time I had a relationship and it was not my intention to continue acquaintance. I politely declined all offers, sometimes answered questions on duty and tried to be friendly, but at some point I completely stopped responding to new notifications. Then I began to receive messages about where and when this person saw me. I admit that he met me unintentionally — yet we were practically neighbors — but I always felt discomfort. Not very nice to know that someone is watching you.
Several times we saw each other "by chance": we met near the subway, and we occasionally spoke. I was uncomfortable, but politeness did not allow to include total ignore. At some point, my schedule changed, I began to go home at other hours and not every day - random meetings disappeared. But he continued to write to me in social networks and ask for a meeting. It never occurred to me to complain to anyone. The word "stalking" in my head also did not pop up, rather "obsession". But now I understand that that situation has greatly affected me. I often felt insecure, being in the apartment alone or walking not far from the house, experienced anxiety, especially returning late. Someone is afraid of conditional hooligans, I was afraid of a very specific person.
It all ended in a ridiculous scandal on my page on social networks. This person came to the comments under one of the posts and accused me of being a master of ignoring and empty promises. I now live in a different area, and the situation reminds of itself only when someone offers to meet too actively and imposes his society on me. Then I instantly get angry and withdraw into myself.
Be careful on social networks
Remove stalker from your friends (even better to blacklist) on all social networks and make all possible information private. Make private messages available only for friends. You will also have to abandon geotagging, photos, clearly revealing your location, and joyful posts about future travels.
As for Facebook, give up the habit of celebrating at events that you plan to attend (unless it is a closed holiday for a dozen people). Usually on these pages you can easily see a list of potential guests - whether it is a local party or a festival of Chinese food for five thousand people. If it is very necessary, simply confirm your presence to the organizers by mail or by personal message.
Carefully review the applications of friends or subscribers - add only well-known people. A stalker can be hidden under the guise of a flower shop or a foreigner with a large number of followers (yes, you can wind them up). Carefully follow the marks on other people's photos - either ask not to use your photo at all, or remove the label immediately. Of course, Foursquare will have to be forgotten as a nightmare.
Does stalker write to your friends? Ask them to complain to the administration of the social network, or at least block it.
In my case, the former girlfriend of my (already former) boyfriend became a stalker. She pursued not me, but him, but this badly spoiled our lives and to some extent became the cause of parting. We met at a party, that same evening, he kissed me and offered to go with him to Peter. The next day, he added on Facebook, and there it was indicated in the status that he was dating a girl. A day after our acquaintance, he removed it. Over time, we began to meet, but he periodically behaved strangely: he left to talk for a long time on the phone and came back angry. He was often called at our meetings, and he tried to pretend that nothing was happening.
Then he told me that he has an ex, with whom they broke up a year ago, but she cannot let him go and continues to control his life. It seemed to me that this problem is easy to solve: they call - do not pick it up. But he could not, because when they call you twenty times, you will pick up the phone for the twenty-first. Apparently, at that moment she found out that he had a new girlfriend, and this caused her anxiety, so control increased. I asked why he could not break this patient connection, but he said that he simply felt sorry for her. His friends confirmed that this unhealthy situation has been going on for some years now.
He was afraid to put something on social networks with me, he admitted that she was following whom he likes. She also subscribed to me on Instagram. One day we went with him to Petersburg, and I posted a photo in a storiz, where our shadows were visible. She knew that he went to Petersburg, but did not know that with me. In the shadows, she guessed that I was standing next to him, and after a couple of hours a squall of messages hit him, where she accused him of treason, threatened to commit suicide and everything in that spirit. It happened that she wrote to him when we were just sitting at his house: "Well, again, together? As always?" He said that she figured out our Facebook location. When the interiors of his room appeared in the story, she sent him screenshots with evil comments. She also secretly read my twitter. This I learned from him - he asked not to mention personal life at all. Against this background, he began to fear social networks in general.
The whole story lasted a year and a half, and in a relationship we were four months. Once he just disappeared. It turned out that the day before he had met her, yielding to her persuasion. The problem is that he has bipolar disorder, and after that he started having seizures. As a result, none of us could withstand this instability, and we broke up, but continued to see ourselves as friends. However, there were problems with this. Suppose we agreed to meet in one place, and I saw on instagram that she was there. As a result, I had to go to another place, because she should not have known that we communicate even after breaking up - he admitted that he was a coward.
All this time he said that she was a manipulator that made him a moral impotent. His friends and family did not understand why he could not break it. But, apparently, such psychological manipulations work well. As a result, they still communicate, but they have no relationship. I experienced this separation very hard, and as a result, I started having problems with the nervous system - now I am examined by neurologists and I take anti-depressants.
About half a year ago, an unfamiliar guy wrote to me from the fake page on the VKontakte network and apologized for his behavior. I did not remember him and poorly understood what he was to blame. He threw the link to his real page and said that he had once insulted me. I looked at it - not clearer. But he continued to write to me - first with one fake, then with others. Initially I asked something about my studies and work, although this information about me is not so difficult to find and just on social networks. Then I got his obsession, constant likes and messages, and I blocked his fake. A couple of times after that he wrote to me from other pages, and I almost forgot about this situation.
But when I blocked his other accounts, he began actively writing to my friends and asking questions about my sex life. And he wrote a fairly random sample of people. It really pissed me off, I unblocked him and asked why he was doing this. He said he was just trying to get my attention.
I complained about his administration page "VKontakte", about a dozen people did the same thing at my request, but there was no reaction. I continue to receive messages from him now - at one point he practically threatened to rape me. But the photos of various buildings of my university with the signature “Walk” made me really nervous. Although I understand very well that there is almost no likelihood of an offline threat, such obsession is still scary. Most of my close people are aware of the situation, some advised to contact the police, but this seems to me a deliberately losing option.
The situation itself was not resolved in any way, but I stopped feeling fear when I realized that there is a person next to me who knows about this situation and will help if I ask about it. Most of all, it is not even the stalker's obsession that touches me (although I am genuinely sad at the thought that a person has such an uninteresting life), but the intervention itself in my personal - even if virtual - space. I closed instagram and became more attentive to what I post on social networks. At the same time, the very idea that I did this because of someone, and not on my own will is unpleasant to me.
Change passwords
Yes, you can easily be hacked, if the password is unreliable - change them more often and make them as complex as possible. Especially if we are talking about a former partner who can simply guess that you have coded the name of the dead dog and the date of your birth. Enable two-factor authentication in social networks (this is when the input needs to be confirmed not only with a password, but also with the code that comes via SMS). Do not disable the antivirus and do not click on dubious links - the stalker may well try to master the hacker's arsenal and follow you, not only on instagram.
My ex-boyfriend became my stalker: we met for several years, it was my first serious relationship and the separation was difficult. We parted on my initiative, and he wanted to return me. It all started with countless messages - text messages and social networks. He wrote that we should be together and part was wrong, recalled some episodes when we were good, asked to meet. I answered because I felt guilty for causing pain to him, and said that it would not work. But messages became more and more.
Then there were some more terrible episodes. He began to write to me that he would stand in front of my house in the park until it freezes, if I do not agree to meet with him - and then I waylaid on the subway when I was returning from work. One day he climbed into my email (remembered how I told him that I had the same ridiculous password everywhere) and wrote me a letter of confession about it - and then he advised me to change my password because it is not reliable.
He talked with a few of my friends (and he still talks with someone until now), although I don’t think it is connected with stalking - after all, we communicated a lot in the company. I also know that he came to visit my grandfather, after we broke up - grandfather was a wonderful person, and I was then terribly angry that he was using him for his own purposes. Very unpleasantly surprised by the reaction of others - among them there were several people who told me that it was “just such strong love” and nothing terrible happened - although I tried to explain to them that it’s not about love at all, but about control and manipulation.
To be honest, I don’t remember at all how stalking came to naught - perhaps my mind decided to get rid of this information. A few years ago, after a long break, he again got in touch and said that he loved me. I asked if he was sure, because during that time I had become a different person. He admitted that he himself did not understand, and asked me to block him in social networks. Since then, it seems, this story is over for him - he is now married.
I am not sure that I have drawn any conclusions from this, but therapy has helped me cope with all this - my current relationships are much more harmonious. To be honest, I still feel sorry for him - he obviously could not cope with what was happening, and the help of a specialist would be useful to him. Which, of course, does not make this behavior valid.
Make the problem public.
Tell your friends and family about the situation. And if it becomes clear that the male stalker does not respond to your requests, perhaps he should talk to someone else. In such a situation, you can forget about stereotypes and the fight against patriarchy and turn to a man you trust. We do not in any way call for violence, but practice shows that a serious conversation can cool down the ardor of the aggressor.
Lawyer Anna Rivina advises to record all actions by a stalker in as much detail as possible, even if he does not threaten you with murder or violence directly. Screen correspondence, make video recordings, record calls to a voice recorder, and then bring it all to the police. Of course, the police can say that there is no corpus delicti. However, it is important to bring the situation to the maximum publicity, because so many stalkers can be intimidated - they are, as a rule, rather cowardly people. Just one fact that you reported them to the police or told about it on social networks can work well. This is not a panacea, but in the absence of other methods you need to use everything that is.
In addition, Rivina notes, the police must consider all materials provided to her. In fact, if a person went to the police and did not receive a response, and then something bad happened to him, the police would be responsible for their inaction.
Seven years ago, a man from unknown numbers called me for several months. He told me a lot of unpleasant things, quite in the spirit of a maniac. Calls always happened at a certain time. I could not block his number from the phone, I could not even call back and find out what was wrong. Maybe he was some kind of hacker or something.
Once I sat with friends, and he called again. Friends were not easy, and I decided to complain to them. They contacted their security service and calculated it. It turned out that he lives somewhere in the Baltic States. He was given a verbal suggestion (probably just by phone), and after that he completely stopped calling. It turned out to be an ordinary single man.
In general, I was not afraid that he would come to my house. But it was unpleasant to me that there is a person who calls me. It was obvious that these were not routine insults, but quite intentional ones. Now I don’t really hide my phone, but I just blacken lists of unpleasant people or call it “not to take the phone” in the phone book. I still can call prankers or just some unpleasant people, but nothing like this has ever been encountered.
Stalker appeared in my life when I was in my second or third year at university. My faculty was quite small, and I lived in a dormitory. He studied at the same faculty (older than a couple of courses) and also lived in a dormitory. При этом возраст моего преследователя не совпадал с возрастом студентов, он был старше минимум на десяток лет.
Поначалу он пытался общаться, постоянно заводил разговоры в курилке общежития. После стал стучаться в комнату и пытаться делать это ещё интенсивнее. Мне это было не интересно, но сначала я не поняла, во что это может перерасти, и старалась быть вежливой. Постепенно общение становилось всё более навязчивым. Once I went into the shower, when I returned, I found him in my room (in the dormitory we often did not close the doors, it was a normal practice) with a bunch of flowers. I asked him to go out, he began to talk about our relationship, that we need to discuss and solve everything, and so on. Then I realized that something was wrong. Of course, I began to avoid him. Once I had to hide in the room of our older neighbors when he knocked on the iron door of our block. And one evening I went to my friend's place in another hostel and, returning at about 11:00 pm, I heard steps behind my back - he was walking behind me. That is, all this time he was waiting for me to go out and go home.
I realized that I needed to do something, consulted with people - I was offered to go to the dean's office. The deputy dean for the education unit told me that I was not the first to complain about this person, and if I want to file a formal complaint, I must be ready to go to the end. Allegedly, this procedure is unpleasant for girls. But I was ready. And then he was gone. Either the representatives of the faculty talked to him, or his interest switched to another. And then, it seems, he was once again expelled.
He appeared again after a few years. I already worked and rented an apartment with friends. He began to send messages in social networks. Often these were things of a sexual nature, moreover, he did not hesitate to write them not only in my personal messages, but also in his posts. In his fantasies, he was not at all shy - I wanted to wash myself from what I read. I blocked him, he started a new page, found me everywhere. I began to gradually learn to hide information, actively complained to the administration of "VKontakte" - they even deleted several of its pages.
Then I went to a concert, standing in a queue at the cloakroom, heard: "Hi." I automatically answered, but it turned out to be the same stalker. It was very scary, because I was actively promoting a concert on my pages - my friends performed at the club. After that I began to receive SMS and calls from him, changed phone numbers. I was scared to return home in the dark, I was sure that he was watching me. One day, when I once again changed the phone number, he took out the number of a friend with whom I lived, and began to call her.
I tried to contact the police about this. In short, the truth is this: as long as you are not killed or raped (although it is also debatable here) - you will not wait for help. Articles for stalking in the Criminal Code does not exist. The stalker disappeared for a while after his man-friend answered his call. I do not know what he said to him, but it turned out efficiently.
A few years ago I moved to another country. The last time a stalker wrote to me from an anonymous IP address was about a year ago. And I continue to block anyone I consider suspicious (my black lists are very long). I have some social networks, and I don’t post anything at all. No online dating, no geotagging and hashtags, no public address or phone number. I would not wish anyone to go through this. This is not just unpleasant, but scary to panic attacks.
Contact the police and crisis centers
In our legislation there is no concept of “prosecution,” says Rivina, that is, there is no possibility to defend against it directly. This is an obvious legal backwardness, because stalking often leads to dire consequences: beatings, rape or murder. In essence, our basic rights to safety, life and health are violated. It is very important that there is such a corpus delicti as “prosecution”, so that a potential victim can be protected from the very beginning.
At the same time, there is Article 119 of the Criminal Code "The threat of murder or the infliction of grievous bodily harm," notes Rivin. If a person confesses that he will kill you or cause harm, even verbally, you need to go to the police: to convince you that there is a crime, to say that you are afraid and need protection. And, of course, to provide all correspondence, audio and video.
In such cases, you should also contact private crisis centers for support. In the case of stalking, the Sisters Center, organizations related to domestic violence, can help, because the stalking mechanism is similar to trying to curb a person's will. Unfortunately, state centers may refuse to help, citing a different profile of specialization.
It will also be useful to learn self-defense techniques - you can take short courses or learn a couple of tutorial techniques on YouTube. But always count your strength soberly, in the case of a critical situation - shout and run away. We will talk more about this in future materials.
For more than four years, I was pursued by a stalker. It all started with the recognition of love on the Internet from a stranger. It would seem that the words of love are all nice and harmless. However, after the Internet fan was rejected by me, from a man in love, he turned into a psychopath who did not give me rest day or night for many years. Words of love were replaced by insults and threats. The black list did not help - the man immediately created new pages and wrote again, called from different numbers (including home), pestered my relatives and friends, created profiles on dating sites with my data.
At first I replied to all this with ignore, naively believing that he would soon get tired of it. Then I tried to negotiate with him, asked to leave me alone, my friends, relatives, my young man spoke to him. He agreed with everything, promised not to disturb me anymore, but within an hour he called and wrote again. He sent me pictures of a pornographic nature, photos of weapons that threatened to kill me. I started to follow me on the street - then I felt that I was in real danger.
When I first went to the police, the police immediately made it clear that these are just words, no one will understand this. Roughly speaking, "that's how they will be killed, then come." Stalker continued to poison my life, pestering me with calls, messages, and surveillance. I went to the authorities a second time. Then the personality of the stalker was already established and a conversation was held with him, which, by the way, had an effect on the month.
In 2017, there was a peak in stalker activity: he spread false information about me, threatened to kill him, said that he would pay the police and would not pay him anything. I was depressed, I could no longer tolerate it and turned to social networks for help, telling everyone my story. It can be said that the support of the people added to my confidence, and I decided that I would finish the job. I went to the police again. Either the reform carried out in Ukraine, or the petition I created with an appeal to the president influenced the law enforcement officers, and my application was accepted - a criminal case was initiated under article 129 of the Criminal Code of Ukraine "Murder threat". They also found out that it was not only me who suffered from the persecution of this man - he wrote to a thirteen year old girl on VKontakte, sending her pornographic materials and her intimate photos.
Now the stalker left me alone because I managed to leave the country before the charges against him, but I cannot say that I feel calm and safe - I lived for too long, fearing for my life. In the summer I attended self-defense courses for women, I think it will not hurt. I try not to walk down the street alone in the evening.
Photo: AliExpress (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)