Sex question: Why did I go to the show "Bachelor"
In March, TNT hosted the premiere of the show “Bachelor”, under the terms of which ten girls compete for the attention of one famous man. Participants go there for different reasons - sex-educator Helena Rydkina also said that she wants to raise the problems of sexism and inequality, on which the concept of the project is based.
In the feminist community, Rydkina is not known for her first year: she was a co-founder of the Sexprosvet project, which is still active today, was the face of the Pure dating application in Russia, conducted master classes and lectured on sex and free love, and now she travels and works for CVO at the Caribbean Fancy Open Village in the Dominican Republic. We talked with Elena about this experience and found out how ready the Russian television is for feminist remarks and whether it is worth putting a cross on it.
After my friend Nastya Karimova and I walked around Topless Times Square in New York, we were discussed for a long time - many perceived the act as non-standard. A little later, we stumbled upon information about the casting in the show “Bachelor” on TNT and thought about participating. Nastya immediately abandoned this undertaking, and I generally found out about this show for the first time - I was curious, I started watching and at first was horrified. I did not quite understand how I could be appropriate there, and immediately warned the producers: "Are you sure? I am a feminist, polyamorca, I practice BDSM." They said that everything is great. It became interesting to me: I thought that I had the opportunity to try to slightly shake the boundaries of others' views, to show that there are people who live and think differently. On the other hand, I got a chance to test myself: I willingly decide on some complicated psychological experiments and the Bach show was perceived as one of them. I passed the casting and was among the participants.
It is easy to see that on the set I was very uncomfortable almost all the time. I had a strange state when I did not just not understand what I was doing there - there was a feeling that I was in a parallel reality. Due to the fact that I was the only bearer of free views - only Alice Liss (another participant in the show "Bachelor" model with albinism. - Approx. ed.), which was also bombed, although much smaller than mine, - I had thoughts that maybe something was wrong with me. I was surprised that this situation could affect me so much. Of course, sometimes I was uncomfortable. Where it was possible, I made comments, experiencing a constant facepalm. It was visible. When we had episodes of individual communication with Yegor, or when we talked to girls, it became clear that there I seemed to be the worst.
While girls are generally good and adequate, it was obvious that we are from different worlds and we have different values. What was normal for them, right or important, was incomprehensible to me. I constantly heard conversations in the style: "It's great that you eat so little! It's great that you're so thin!" When I tried to talk openly about sexuality, in most cases I received a reaction in the spirit: "Why bother to talk about it at all?" Because of such aggressive attacks, at some point I was locked up and could not calmly talk with anyone except Alice - I felt hostility. And yet I had the feeling that many of the heroines are much more open in these matters, they simply do not show this in public. It seemed that what you think, and what you broadcast to the outside world for many, are two different streams that do not have to intersect.
When a stranger is thrown at you, let him be at least three times famous and rich, it’s hard to imagine a love story at first sight
I got the impression that the participants often switched between manifestations of humanity and ostentatious competition. They were clearly able to show empathy and empathy. At some point, I was very bad, and because of my own deep-rooted stereotypes that showed up during the show: the teenage patterns of perception of "glamorous" women as obviously “stupid” or “wrong” surfaced. I sincerely talked with the girls on this subject, and it was a cool touching conversation - they laughed relaxedly: "What a glamorous kitty I am? Look, I go to workouts!" At that moment they were very supportive of me, for which I am extremely grateful to them.
But at the same time a tough competition is built, the girls constantly gossip about each other. From the very beginning, it seemed to me a strange idea to compete in the sphere of romantic relationships: after all, you either have contact with a person or not! In this sense, the idea of rivalry, which is celebrated in this show, seems strange to me - but popular culture generally reproduces this model very willingly. To the participants, this either seemed correct, or they agreed with this as a necessary condition. It was very difficult for me to figure out who sincerely fights for relationships and who pursues some other goal.
Back in Los Angeles, my boyfriend, with whom I had a polyamoric relationship, laughed - he very rosyly perceived the idea of my participation in the show as an interesting challenge, joked with me over the ghostly possibility of falling in love and getting married in front of the cameras. I said that producers will have to try hard to find a person who can share my views. Each of us had our own goal - and there, of course, there were girls who sincerely dreamed of love and imagined a real romantic show. But others had other reasons, and this is normal. When a stranger is thrown at you, let him be at least three times famous and rich, it’s hard to imagine a love story at first sight.
What manifested itself in so many actions and conversations and really embarrassed me was the devaluation of girls as personalities. I used to live in reality, where women are self-sufficient, where their value is determined by themselves, their activities, their hobbies, achievements - anything, but not a man nearby. And suddenly I find myself in a world where there seem to be girls who are quite successful, but they still say that relationships and marriage are the most important things that can happen in a woman’s life, the main aspect of self-realization. Moreover, it seems to many that under the man constantly need to adapt, in any case not to report any "wrong" emotions. We had these endless meetings with Egor, sometimes the girls got angry, it was hard, we felt that it was necessary to express it somehow. A few girls calmed themselves with the words: "No need to whine, it's all ours, woman ..." The constant depreciation of feelings. We needed to be "comfortable": to be patient, wait, smile beautifully, not be malicious, not defend our opinion.
It seemed to me that in the concept of the show there was some wild confusion of meanings. I have a very ambivalent feeling from the main character. On the one hand, in a public space, when we were in front of the camera surrounded by a multitude of people, all templates that could be imagined popped out of it: “a woman should not”, “a man should be respected” and so on. In the second series you can see our big public dispute with him on this topic.
Of course, I wanted to inspire the girls who participated in the show with me - I really think that they are much more interesting than what they show to the viewer, but they don’t believe that someone needs this
After the second series I left, because we didn’t agree: I told him that freedom in relationships is important for me, I want to be able to have sex with people I like, just like my partner. He said that it does not suit him. But sometimes he showed greater flexibility. For example, he told me that he understood that I had other views on life and he just might not know something. But he emphasized that there was a great responsibility on him, and he did not quite understand how to behave. There were more than one such moments. Egor is a rap artist, his musical niche is terribly sexist, he is used to boiling in it and broadcast this sexism automatically. But there is something else under it, and before that I managed to get in personal communication.
For me personally, this experiment was very useful. It was a stressful situation, on returning home after this adventure, I began to appreciate at times more what I have. I still write people, acquaintances and strangers who watched this show, and thank you for your courage. It is clear that the increase in my audience is several times smaller than that of more conventional participants, but that small part, which is about something thought, is already very valuable.
It is important to understand that the show "Bachelor" in its original American version also went through these stages. "The Bachelor" has existed for twenty years, and eight of them are removed and the "reverse" option, in which men compete for the heart of a rich and famous woman. This is also a dubious story, but the fact that it is generally possible is already some kind of ideological breakthrough. In any case, television is designed for a mass segment that changes its views very slowly. It is hardly worth hoping that in five years we will see a show that will be about equality and about reason, where the characters will be shown from the most worthy sides. Most likely, a large audience is simply not interested in looking at it. But some small steps forward, probably, will be.
The fact that my presence turned out to be possible at the Bachelor show is a breakthrough. This season something very important happened. Usually characters like me or Alice Liss are positioned as freaks and they leave immediately. I left after the second series, having had a good time to show myself. And this is already important. Yes, of course, to us in our closed world, where we are accustomed to feminism, this seems like a trifle, but for a large audience this is surprisingly new. I think small changes are possible. Of course, I wanted to inspire the girls who participated in the show with me - I really think that they are much more interesting than what they show the viewer, but they don’t believe that it is necessary for someone.
