How to discuss the relationship if the partner leaves the conversation
Text: Victor Bogomolov
How to talk with a partner about the problems if he is not used to discussing relationships? And what to do if you want to discuss some situation, and the partner leaves the dialogue? These issues are primarily concerned with women in heterosexual relationships. Since masculinity and femininity are social constructs, there are many prescriptions associated with them. Following them, men should not show emotions, be “soft” and “feminine”, and therefore they often try to escape from the dialogue or consider “finding out the relationship” an unpleasant and senseless matter. In turn, femininity is partly constructed around the idea that a woman should pay more attention to relationships, worry more about their safety and make efforts to preserve them.
Although these ideas do have a serious impact on men and women, fortunately, in reality, everything is a bit more complicated, since each of us has something to counter the influence of cultural and gender stereotypes — first and foremost, the personal experience of affection in the parental family. Practice shows that a withdrawing partner in heterosexual relationships is not always a man. And same-sex couples are also not insured from the fact that one of the partners or partners will more often avoid discussing the relationship.
The first important idea that will help advance in this situation: the partner has his own reasons for not discussing the relationships or situations associated with them. Ideally, such a conversation could begin with these words, but not everything is so simple. To say: "I know that you have your own reasons not to talk about it," and to believe in it are two different things. One of the main reasons for avoiding talking on such topics is fear. Very often, at a psychological consultation, one of the partners says that when he last spoke or opened, the other was very angry in response. This, in turn, leads to the fact that the partner begins to justify himself: "Well, what are you saying, it is really important for me to know your opinion, but I cannot always agree with him." This is a dead end.
Remember how parents in childhood and adolescence wanted you to trust them and tell as much as possible, and how they reacted when you told them the truth. Most likely, they cursed and punished you when they heard things that frightened them. So very quickly, children and adolescents understand that it is worth telling, and which aspects of life are better to hide from their relatives. Naturally, an adult partner is hardly afraid that you will punish him. But he may try to avoid having to upset, offend, or piss you off.
If you go deeper, then for fear is often worth such an emotion as shame. This is one of the most destructive emotions - it makes a person want to disappear, stand still, hide, so that he is not seen. Shame differs from guilt in that the person feels that he is bad in and of itself, and not that he has done something bad. Shame is very difficult to endure emotionally and physically, so people often either go into themselves to avoid this experience, or attack first, defending themselves.
Shame is also shameful. Never try to bring a person to "clean water", saying: "You just feel ashamed now!"
For men, one of the common triggers of shame is the feeling that your partner is unhappy, that she is upset or suffering. In this sense, a conversation about relationships can be a signal that a partner is upset about something, which means that something is wrong with a man, he begins to experience himself as bad. On the other hand, the conversation about relationships and experiences can be considered as “not sufficiently masculine.” Men more habitually solve problems that are defined by society as "male", and in the area of feelings, experiences and relationships they may feel insufficiently competent or not courageous - and this can also lead to shame. Very often, men are protected from shame with anger.
If you get the impression that the partner, moving away from the conversation, is evading responsibility, it is worthwhile to understand the situation and the meanings that may be hidden in it. Another option that occurs in both men and women is to caution yourself: "Well, yes, I am a terrible person who has ruined your life." So you can avoid this painful, humiliating experience that you are bad in the eyes of your partner, that you may not have the right to exist in someone else's universe. It may seem that I am exaggerating, but in shame the stakes are always as high as possible - unlike guilt, where you can correct what you did, shame is doom: "I am so bad that I am not worthy to be with you." An important feature of shame is that shame is also shameful. Therefore, never try to bring a person to "clean water", saying: "You just feel ashamed now!" Thus, you are more likely to break the contact completely, increase shame and reinforce the avoidance in the behavior of the partner.
What is the antidote to shame? Positive feedback, self-disclosure and sincerity on your part. For most men, it is important that the partner was happy. Therefore, denoting that you know that he is genuinely interested in your well-being, you acknowledge the value of a partner. In fact, the message: “I know that you are a good person and take care of me,” is what “dissolves” shame. If the first part of the message affirms the value of the partner and his positive intentions, then the second can be focused around your need for contact, discussion and the “we” feeling.
A skill that can help create a more trustworthy environment for self-disclosure and help the outgoing partner to speak out is softening. Softening means that you can express thoughts and experiences that disturb you, calmly, slowly, and gradually, while also revealing and showing your vulnerability. Slowing, calmness and mitigation is what allows you to remove the feeling of a threat in a relationship. Naturally, such interaction is impossible on the go, in a hurry or in situations that require you or a partner to distribute attention. Mitigation suggests that you are sharing rather than blaming or demanding. Share, among other things, your vulnerability and fears, for example: “I’m afraid that if we don’t discuss it, we’d move further away from each other,” “When you leave to yourself, I begin to doubt myself. If we could talk more often I would feel more confident. "
All this may seem complicated. And this is really difficult, but the ability to talk about what is bothering you in a relationship, and formulating what you need is very important. If one partner withdraws, and the other refuses to try to emotionally “reunite” with him, the couple chooses a dangerous and, oddly enough, unstable compromise, which later almost always results in additional difficulties. The myth that there are simple people in circulation is one of the most harmful. There will always be something that can annoy you in a partner, and a partner in you, but as long as it does not become a threatening stimulus, both can always open and risk.