Checklist: 5 signs that you are too critical of yourself
Text: Yana Shagova
To be able to see your faults from the side and admit mistakes, Being critical of one’s actions is undoubtedly an important quality. Unless, of course, it does not cross the border, beyond which Samoyedism and the inability to rejoice at their successes begins. We talk about the signs that will help you understand that you are too harsh about yourself. Remember that you should not be afraid to turn to a specialist if you feel that you cannot succeed in changing the situation on your own - and the voice of the inner critic is still too loud.
1
In case of failure, the inner voice says: "That's what you need!"
As an option: "What did you want (and?)", "What do you think about yourself (a)?", "It was not worth it and expect to succeed." In general, to the chagrin of failure, other heavy feelings are added: shame, guilt, a sense of your own failure, and even fear.
Why it happens? Often this “inner voice” we talk to ourselves is the voice of our parents, as they reacted to our own and our own failures. Many fathers and mothers expressed it in words (“Where was your head?”, “And I told you!”, “You should have thought before!”), Some - demonstrating disappointment, coldness or worrying too much for every two and scratch on your knee .
Such an attitude to failures does not correspond to the scale of the situation: absolutely everything is mistaken and fail, this is a normal part of life experience. It is also shame to feel that you are unlucky in some business - it means every day to blame yourself for an absolutely natural situation. Moreover, such a reaction makes any training less effective and prevents us from adapting to the surrounding reality. Shame and fear we try to avoid in all ways - which means that in such cases we will try to avoid new experiences, the opportunity to get into new circles and other situations where you can potentially fall through.
2
Achievements in life are divided into "nominations" - and others always win
You play sports, but a colleague is still sportier than you. You like the way you look, but the way those two girlfriends look like is definitely better. And one of them is more erudite than you, and you like your taste more than your own, and so on. You compare one (or one) of yourself with a dozen people: in appearance, with the most, from your point of view, beautiful, in the field of career, with the most successful (besides, often with those who had other starting conditions in life) , in the field of sports - with those who have been engaged in it for many years, without having contraindications for health, and the like.
In fact, this "competition" is simply a cruel treatment with yourself, because you will obviously lose. You can not beat a dozen people in all their strongest qualities, and it is meaningless to wait for it from yourself. It turns out that you are cursing yourself for what is natural - instead of concentrating on what you are already doing well.
3
Lack of success right now you equate to failure
It turns out that in order to stand still you have to run very fast. I lost my career - I abandoned sports and friends, I started working - I earn a little, I went on maternity leave - I don’t have time left for anything else. With this approach, it is difficult to rejoice in success: it is always gnawing at the idea that in other areas it is “unfinished”.
You may have a lot of desires, but the forces, time, money and other resources are finite. It is impossible at the same time to be an excellent parent, to work full-time, to go in for sports several times a week and to learn something new every day. And this is perfectly normal: if you are now focused on one thing, no one has the right to reproach you for having "sagged" other areas. It would be good if you do not reproach yourself for this.
Plus, not all goals, even if you are actively working to achieve them, you can achieve it immediately. For example, “to improve health” is a matter of several months, and sometimes years. One can learn to speak a completely unfamiliar language in a year or two, but hardly in a month. And if all this time you feel "inferior" or "inferior", it simply means that you will spend a year or two in utterly vain self-help.
4
You are insensitive to praise, but you pay a lot of attention to criticism.
It is believed that we react to negative incentives on average more strongly than positive ones - so if you hear one praise and one critical remark and the latter hook you more, there is nothing surprising. But if in a stream of praise and approving reviews, you grab a single negative, and then worry about it for a long time and cannot even turn your attention to how many people have rated your success, perhaps the criticality level is much higher than average.
Usually, having discovered this in themselves, people begin to scold themselves also for "not enough positive thinking." Try not to do this. Such reactions cannot be regulated by force of will — you do not do this because you are a "dull" person who sees dark sides in everything. In part, it depends on the type of nervous system, in part - formed in childhood. If parents reacted calmly and with humor to failures, and appreciated success, the person would love praise, and accept criticism more calmly. But if you received a reprimand or a cuff for any entries with a red pen in your diary, and the fives and contests won were taken for granted, it is not surprising that the psyche was used to seeing the threat in any criticism.
In adulthood, you can try to gradually "move" this filter in order to trust the praise and pleasant reviews. But for this you need a few things. First, it takes a lot of patience and empathy for oneself. Not "Again, I turned into a sad shit! When will it end?" Secondly, you need to secure a safe environment. If you have a very competitive and toxic atmosphere at work, in the course of intrigue, and colleagues from the neighboring department can substitute, ignore detractors and pay attention only to the positive will not be the safest strategy. If in a friendly or romantic relationship there is a regular emotional abuse, then ignoring him and paying attention to the good is also unsafe.
5
On closer examination, success always fades away.
All the brilliant achievements of which you dreamed, in reality, turn out to be an empty Christmas tree toy: and it does not shine so brightly, and there is no joy. Again, this is not because your success is not enough. Often, people who feel that way, on the contrary, admire those around them with their stubbornness and really impressive results in everything they take on. But they themselves, unfortunately, are not able to see their success and rejoice in it.
This happens because the feeling of pride in oneself, the feeling that their success is deserved, is blocked for them, or even broken. Usually, the family history of such people is a history of domestic violence, disrespect for their feelings, often from childhood and throughout life. It is likely that they grew up in a family living according to a survival model: long-term plans, ambitiousness, gradual development were not valued, and minimal baseline needs were considered lucky. Conventionally, no one cared that the child had a brilliant presentation on the history today, because the adults were concerned about whether there would be enough money for food this month. In such conditions, the child is required to be "comfortable" right now and not to hinder adults from surviving. No one teaches him to rejoice at some success, because no one often notices this success.
To restore a sense of legitimate pride in oneself, the ability to rejoice in progress, it takes a long and painstaking work. A sympathetic and compassionate attitude towards oneself, a gradual abandonment of constant internal "kicks" and humiliation helps. It helps to reconsider family attitudes: did inattentive and self-critical attitude help someone succeed? How effective was the survival model adopted in the family (especially since it often persists even when there is no real need to survive, and the situation has become more comfortable)? Is it true that the feeling of shame and fear motivates, and joy, pride and well-deserved rest is a whim? Often, it is for this that people come to a psychologist.
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