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How to stop blaming yourself for the lack of development

Each of us at some point overtook the suspicion that everything around is smarter, more interesting and more diversified. Especially when routine affairs take up most of the time and effort, and the once favorite hobbies or new activities (whether it be a language school, sports clubs or gastronomic courses) are postponed from year to year for later, until better times. At the same time, the inner voice does not allow you to live in peace: it seems that the lack of resources to learn something new will sooner or later lead you to complete degradation. We asked the psychotherapist Anastasia Rubtsov to explain why guilt is the worst enemy of those who want to develop, as well as how to stop reproaching themselves and easily learn new things.

Anastasia Rubtsova

psychotherapist

To the direct question "Is it worth learning new things?" I always say: yes, definitely worth it. And especially when you are over forty, the school and the institute are far behind and you begin to think that you are stuck in a routine and do not develop. Those who study are much less vulnerable to senile dementia, for Alzheimer's disease and even, according to some studies, for depression. That is enough bonuses. At the same time, it doesn’t matter what you learn: English, Chinese, penguin anatomy, Baroque costume, specialties of the northern peoples, playing the guitar - whatever you like. The neural networks are still complicated, the brain works, and after the brain, the metabolic processes in the body are tightened.

But the first difficulty is that for most of us the process of learning is inextricably linked with assessment. If we imagine the brain, then in it the zones of “learning” and “grades” will be very close, and between the zones of “learning” and “pleasure” there will be a distance, as from China to Madrid. Is it possible to connect China with Madrid by means of transport? It is possible, but, like any new, it will require more time and effort than the beaten path.

The assessment path is poisonous and ultimately leads to a dead end. As a rule, if you go on it, it turns out that it is impossible to deserve a good internal rating. There will always be "not enough" and "little", "badly trying" and "others are better", "there is no one to scold me" and "I must force myself", there will be a lot of guilt, shame and destructive malice towards myself, and at terminal stations there "I'm stupid, I'm the worst of them all," often already completely irrational. It is impossible to constantly withstand this stress, so at some point the psyche gives up and we tell ourselves: yes, I can’t do anything, everything is lost - I’ll stop at home and watch TV shows and blame myself. Because the psyche at this moment is really exhausted by the attacks of the internal auditor.

The brain will try to get rid of everything learned through force, with a taste of guilt and endless race, as quickly as possible.

Understanding what he is, this inner voice, we can find out that this is our own aggression, just its point is not directed outward, not towards self-defense, not towards exploring new territories, but inside, towards ourselves. And you can, of course, try to blame the school where people really think about human dignity, but they criticize and shame a lot, but in those cases that are known to me, the school was a secondary factor. The main melody belonged to the family. In addition, both in the family they were able or did not know how to show aggression, for which they praised and for which they were ashamed. And very often - did the parents feel that they were full-fledged and at least successful in some way?

With guilt and shame, with all this Molotov cocktail, you can gradually cope, but the main task is to separate it from the learning process. I know that this is easy to say and hard to do. Someone helps the knowledge that the inner criticizing voice, although trying to look "useful", in fact has no relation to development, he does not develop and hinders us. Someone concentrates on the process, not specifically thinking about the result. No result - no rating. Someone is looking for an area free from internal critic attacks. For example, you constantly criticize yourself for reading few books, and as a result you completely stop taking books in your hands. But your progress in painting excites you very little - and you draw with pleasure. You gnaw yourself for unlearned English - go learn Spanish. Reproach yourself for not playing sports - learn to knit. Sometimes this paradoxical approach works.

You can look for loopholes. The brain doesn't care what to learn, just to learn. But the main thing is that while the “internal auditoro” speaks in full voice, it is useless to learn. The brain will try to get rid of everything learned through force, even with a taste of guilt and endless race. Push out It’s better to just relax - save yourself time and energy.

Another difficulty is that we very often do not take into account the level of our daily stress, stress at work, and often in the family. It seems to us that "everything is fine, I have been living for so long." But the body does not think so. There are a lot of irritants, demands from all sides, information sources - as a result, many of us have a constantly high level of adrenaline, norepinephrine, cortisol and the feeling that we live at the limit of our strength. And there is. Somehow we are surviving, adapting, but to overcome any new height (go to learn dancing or new programming technologies, or buy theater tickets) is no longer strength.

It is important to share the desire to "know more" and "be better." In the second case, new knowledge is unlikely to help

Often it really takes courage to admit that we are already at the limit and not a single extra drop will fit in the bowl. We must first create some reserve of strength, and then rush to storm the heights. Forces, free time, personal space - all of this we are sorely lacking. There is a very important principle of the free brain: in order to be able to make any creative decisions in any sphere, the brain must have enough rest, spreading around the tree, blunt and idle. It does not work in conditions of constant haste, deadlines and other categorical imperatives. And yes, the rest of the brain also has to cut out time. And yes, sometimes you have to show perseverance, even aggression, because no one is willing to give us this time voluntarily. Neither work, nor, unfortunately, close people.

It is difficult to learn. This is also because in the modern world we are satiated with information and the brain is much more involved in such a process as cutting off the superfluous than mastering the new. That is, we try to forget more than remember. It happens that it is difficult to switch to something fundamentally new, far from our professional sphere. “What are you talking about,” the psyche as if tells us. “There is no strength for the most necessary, but there is some kind of self-indulgence!” And resists.

It is interesting to share in oneself the desire to "know more" and "be better." Because in the second case, new knowledge is unlikely to help. It helps if you want to learn, the children's learning model through affection - to find a coach or teacher who will delight you until your heart stops, to go and learn something with a colleague who you want to be friends closer. When relationships come first, it immediately turns out that learning is easy and pleasant.

It is very important to separate the poles "I am good enough, but I can become even better" and "I am not a good man, and I need to try very, very, very much so that at least someone will love me." At the second pole, bitter, cold, and none of us need to go there. And it is worth remembering that the beginning of any path - even if we go to the gym, even if we learn English, even learn to play the flute - this is a time of mistakes and failures. Inevitable. And this is the time when you need to sympathize with yourself and regret. Do not shame, do not scold. And to praise and sympathize. And try again.

Watch the video: Stop Sabotaging Yourself. Debi Silber. TEDxFultonStreet (March 2024).

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