Why are we attracted to bad guys?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
Why are we attracted to bad guys?
At the end of last week, women from all over the world went crazy over American criminal Jeremy Mix. His photograph, published by the police on the Internet, collected an incredible amount of likes and comments of girls in the spirit of "rush into my house and do what you want with me." Obviously, Mix is a pretty nice guy and therefore like women, but at the same time there is no doubt that he is not the nicest man. Why does his dubious reputation not scare the fans, but on the contrary - makes the criminal even more attractive? Why are we all fascinated by bad guys?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
If we talk about dreams or even more specifically - about sexual fantasies - it is an undoubted fact that among those fantasies of violence occupy the first place. Often the reason for this is the features of upbringing: when a woman from early childhood is inspired with shame, or even taboo sexual attraction, then such fantasies become a kind of loophole for her unrealized sexuality, allow her to run away from responsibility and shift all the blame for the attraction to the man. Also, such dreams are characteristic of those who were deprived of parental love in their childhood and who lacked unconditional acceptance, that is, to say simply, love is not for something, but just like that. It would seem, how can this be related to violence? The fact is that in this case violence is not an act of aggression, but a metaphor of such a strong love, in which the imaginary rapist experiences an overwhelming desire and is simply unable to restrain himself. Well, the third option is the need of a woman for thrills, adrenaline, where fantasy only adds sharpness and increases arousal. It should be mentioned separately that despite the prevalence of such fantasies, in no case should we confuse them with reality and be taken as a guide to action. It’s one thing a mind game, but violence in reality is the hardest traumatic experience, and a crime in the end.
If we are not talking about love, but about passion, then all that is wild, elusive and rude is what arouses.
A number of studies confirm that women are indeed attracted to men by a kind of dark triad that includes such personality traits as narcissism, macchiabellism and a tendency to psychopathy, and the severity of these features should not reach the clinical level. To better understand what is at stake, let's look at parts of this triad. Distinctive features of narcissism are a tendency to domination, a sense of superiority over all, a concentration only on one’s own interests; Machiavellianism - duplicity, insincerity and extroversion. For psychopaths, however, insensitivity, extremely low empathy and antisocial behavior are characteristic. Fortunately, such characters seem attractive only for short-term sexual intrigue. However, if you focus on the advantages that this dubious set of the above features carries, the success of such characters becomes not so surprising. Just imagine a self-confident man who is ready to take risks, rush money and not think about tomorrow, able to lead you away from your boyfriend, who is impetuous and defiant? Is this not the hero of an adventure novel or an exciting movie?
Well, if we already understood that this is not about a lifelong partner, but about short-term impulses, about sexual desire, then what could be better for awakening sexuality than uncertainty, taboo, danger. Agree that reliability and care - yes, these are all pleasant and pacifying things, but are they exciting? If we are not talking about love, but about passion, then everything that is impermanent, wild, elusive and rude is what arouses. And finally, if for you this story is not about fantasies and dreams and not about a short-term affair, if you are really stuck in a relationship with a bad guy, then it is very likely that you simply do not believe that you deserve more. Whether you play the family scenario or you have extremely low self-esteem - think about it and try to understand that strength, aggression and hard drinking look good only in the movies, and you are completely worthy of a good guy.