Orgasm lessons: Who teaches women how to masturbate
"In what class did you study - in the sixth or seventh- when the teacher told you how to masturbate? She explained to you how the vagina and the clitoris are arranged and what are the different orgasms? No, of course not. As a rule, any lessons of sex education affect only the issues of male pleasure. We girls have heard from childhood that boys masturbate, that they have an erection and wet dreams. We were only told about STIs and pregnancy, "says American journalist Nicole Lane, who specializes in women's health issues. She recalls: as a child, she was aware of her own genitals only after a couple of years she would start bleeding from the vagina it will be painful. Nobody explained to her that, apart from unpleasant sensations, the vulva can also bring pleasure, and certainly no one told her how to achieve this pleasure.
Julia Dudkina
Sex and Masturbation
Most people intuitively understand in childhood that they can masturbate - and that it is nice. However, practice shows that if the child has no one to talk with about the feelings and their nature, it runs the risk of sexual fears. For her column about masturbation, Nicole Lane asked female acquaintances to tell how and when they learned to masturbate. “The first few times when I managed to reach an orgasm on my own, I experienced a terrible feeling of guilt,” said a girl named Ali. As a child, she went to a Catholic school, where there were sex education lessons, but they didn’t discuss either masturbation or sex - just anatomy and hygiene issues. “It was only later that I received detailed information,” recalls Ali. “When mom finally talked to me about it.”
Male masturbation has long been the subject of general discussion: boys from childhood learn about everything, if not from their parents, then at least from their peers or from the works of pop culture. In women, however, the situation is more complicated: masturbation is not customary to discuss, so many are not ready to tell publicly that they are engaged in it. “I was in the ninth grade,” writes a Reddit user. “My parents refused to discuss anything related to sex with me. I thought that only boys could masturbate. And then I saw the film Spring Awakening, and then it all happened Soon after that, my friends and I played “I never”, and I confessed that I had this experience. But no one except me admitted. Now I understand that they lied. "
In the same thread, another user tells her story: “I learned early to please myself, it was enough for me to rub in a certain way about the chair. I didn’t know what I was doing and why I was pleased, and I never understood, because what my parents curse at me. They told me what to do so badly, but they never explained why. So I continued to do it in secret. Only many years later I learned that I masturbated in this way and understood why mom and dad shouted on me. I felt very Lupo and embarrassing. For a long time after I realized that I meant my movements, I continued to masturbate the same way, until she found out about the "ordinary". "
The scientist insists: masturbation is as much a part of life as sleeping, brushing your teeth and washing. And so that the child understands what he is doing and does not feel anxiety, it is best to explain to him the essence of this process.
In 2017, Indiana University conducted a study on sexual diversity in the United States. Researchers surveyed two thousand men and women aged 18 to 91 years. During the study, 64% of men said they masturbated in the previous month. Among women, only 40.8% admitted this. At the same time, 21.8% of women stated that they had never masturbated in their lives. Among men, only 8.2% made the same statement. “Most women masturbate,” says Debbie Herbenik, the author of the study. “But many of them live since childhood with the conviction that masturbation is an occupation for“ depraved ”and“ sexually incontinent ”girls."
The fact that the lessons of sexual education should include information about masturbation, writes an American sexologist, Ph.D. Fred Caser. “Masturbation is the earliest sexual behavior that becomes available to us. And it stays with us longer than anyone else,” he reasons. “There is no more the same safe, accessible and harmless sexual act. And at the same time masturbation has become a condemned phenomenon, which many prefer not to talk about. " The scientist insists: masturbation is as much a part of life as sleeping, brushing your teeth and washing. And so that the child understands what he is doing and does not feel anxiety, it is best to explain to him the essence of this process and, if necessary, to talk about the technical side of the issue. Of course, if you do not do this, sooner or later he himself will secretly invent his own way of masturbation. But why not make life easier for him and explain that what is happening is normal?
Nevertheless, most often the talk that masturbation should be part of the lessons of sex education for schoolchildren, causes a negative reaction in society. In January 2019, Irish sexologist Kate Dounson appeared in the popular morning show and expressed her opinion: at eleven years old, schoolchildren should be told how they can explore their own body. “Due to the fact that we do not do this, many girls grow up with a feeling of disgust for their own genitals,” she said. After that, the British press wrote that Dounson, with her statements, “caused outrage” among viewers.
Masturbation lessons for adults
About a dozen women gathered in a large, darkened room in a New York apartment. All of them are undressed and lie on the floor. Near each of them lies a dildo, a vibrator and a vial of almond oil. Another woman walks around the room - she is over eighty, she is also stripped, in her hands is a giant old-fashioned vibrator. She tells visitors: "Look at each other and throw out of your head nonsense, which you show in fashion magazines and porn. The biggest problem for women is how they perceive their own body. And it all starts with the vulva. Each of us thinks with her vulva something is wrong. "
Betty Dodson called the "godmother" of female orgasm. Today it is one of the most famous sex educators in the USA with surprisingly long practice. She began her career in the 50s as an artist and author of erotic engravings. But in the 60s, after a divorce from her husband, began to actively advocate for sex-positive and female sexual emancipation, as a result she wrote the famous book on masturbation "Sex for One" and began conducting workshops for women.
Someone considers her lessons "group masturbation sessions", and someone claims that thanks to them he learned to experience a truly strong orgasm. Betty Dodson's master classes appeared in the 70s and, although with long breaks, they still take place. "Participants of the seminars are engaged in nude," it is written on the Dodson website. "But this is not to increase sexuality. Betty developed master classes based on practices adopted by the second wave feminists. These practices were that women gathered together and shared their experiences from first person. "
Someone considers her lessons "group masturbation sessions", and someone claims that thanks to them they learned to experience a truly strong orgasm.
A rough lesson plan is as follows: first, the students walk around the room and talk to each other about their bodies, about how they feel them and what an orgasm is for them. Then they perform breathing exercises. Then each of the women takes turns in front of Dodson and discusses her vulva with her.
“I sat down and spread my legs,” wrote the writer Jenny Block, who attended a master class. “Betty showed me my vulva in the mirror and began to admire her aloud. She told each of us about the peculiarities of our genitals. She told me that my body is similar to donut, because I have full big labia. She told me that the “design” of my vulva is perfect. That I have “postmodern pussy.” After that, I felt very happy, I felt that I was safe. "
The second part of the master class takes place the next day and is completely devoted to masturbation. Carlin - assistant Betty Dodson - demonstrates masturbation techniques, and Dodson herself explains how to start listening to your body and silence the inner critic. Everything ends with the students trying to reach orgasm themselves.
"Betty lit candles and turned on classic rock - after all, nothing is more exciting than Aerosmith,” wrote Rose Sornou, another journalist who attended Dodson class. “Seven women sat on their towels, took vibrators and a dildo and got down to business, following the instructions that we were given before this. Periodically, I heard someone not far from me begin to breathe noisily, and then utter a scream. At such moments, Betty declared: “One more!” "
Although in the men's world masturbation has ceased to be a taboo topic, experts say that not only women have fears and complexes associated with this occupation.
For those who find the idea of masturbating in the same room as other women seem strange, Dodson suggests buying a subscription for video tutorials and learning it alone. There, on the Dodson site, you can sign up for a full-time group lesson in New York. True, it will cost about a thousand dollars - over decades of practice, Dodson has become so well known that she can afford to set any prices.
However, if before Dodson was the only "masturbation teacher", today there are body-oriented sexologists. In Russia, this profession is not yet very popular, and if you enter the question "How to learn to masturbate" into Google, you can see mostly porn. In Western countries, such a request is more in demand and many sexologists offer masturbation training as one of the services. "We live in a world that is both very sexualized and sexually enslaved," says Kim Nguyen, a body-oriented sexologist from Australia, about his work. "My task is to create a safe space for clients where they can study their bodies."
"For a good body-oriented sexologist, it is important to be able to watch how people masturbate," says her American colleague Christian Pelmas. She not only works with clients, but also trains future body-oriented sexologists to conduct their own master classes. To learn how to help people , her students, like Betty Dodson's students, participate in group workshops. - If we cannot accept ourselves and our pleasure, how can we work with other people? If we have not explored our sexuality and are ashamed of it, how can we We help customers? "
Classes for men
However, not all "masturbation teachers" work with women. Some of them are focused on male clients. One of the main specialists in the field of male masturbation coaching is Josef Kramer, Ph.D. in sexology. In 1984 he founded his own school in California, where he taught students how to massage - the usual and "erotic". In 1992, he opened a research center that studies "the link between the spiritual and the sexual." Kramer, like many of his colleagues, combines sexology with yoga and spiritual practices in his courses. It is believed that in many respects thanks to Kramer, the profession of a body-oriented sexologist has received public recognition and popularity in the United States. California is still the only state where the profession exists legally, and the certificate of the body-oriented sexologist has real weight. However, this is not surprising: Kramer himself describes himself as an "erotic shaman", and the practices offered by the school are largely based on the founder's esoteric ideas.
Although in the male world masturbation has ceased to be a taboo topic, experts say that not only women have fears and complexes associated with this occupation. "Our sexuality can bring us a lot of pleasure if it is combined with self-love," says male coach Bruce Grether. "There is a stereotype that sex for women is inextricably linked with emotions, but not for men. But this is not true at all." . His colleague Kai Hemlih explains: "Boys learn from childhood that they need to finish in the toilet as quickly as possible before mom and dad saw. In two minutes, without a single sound. It is completely unnatural." According to Hemlich, all this is inextricably linked with porn culture, where the only purpose of the sexual process is male orgasm and sex itself becomes a process of domination. As the coach explains, if you make the process more conscious, then it opens more meaning and pleasure.
Dark story about orgasmic meditation
Once American Nicole Dedoun went to a party and met a guy there. He told her: "I want to introduce you to one sexual practice: let you take off your pants, and I will stay in clothes. It will take fifteen minutes." She could refuse, but agreed out of curiosity. When Nicole undressed, a man sat down in front of her, shone a flashlight on her vulva and began to describe what he saw. He later proceeded to fingering, at the end of which, as Dedone claims, she “understood how to live in this world in general”. So, according to Dedlon, she began her acquaintance with "orgasmic meditation."
At first, the OneTaste orgasmic meditation school worked in San Francisco. Nobody came to classes. “It happened that during the day only a postman and a policeman appeared in the doorway, wishing to find out who rented the premises,” says Dedone. But in 2019, the New York Times wrote about OneTaste, and students flocked in droves. Dedone became popular. She spoke at conferences and argued that "women in the Western world work too much, eat too much, make too many purchases, but still remain hungry." She argued that only the "slow orgasm", which she teaches in her school, is able to satisfy this hunger.
The school of orgasmic meditation has become popular, branches opened in the UK, USA and Canada. Dedone herself claimed that soon people would pronounce the word "orgasm" along with the words "yoga" and "massage", without lowering their voice. A ticket to a seminar on OM - orgasmic meditation - cost 150 dollars, an intensive course - 16 thousand dollars. Perhaps Dedone could become the second "godmother of an orgasm" on a par with Betty Dodson.
Psychologically pressured on clients, they were told that they could not give up training, because it would lead to terrible agony. Many were forced to take loans and get into debt
But in 2018, Bloomberg published a loud investigation dedicated to the OneTaste school. After talking with former employees and students, the journalists found out that the company's structure resembled a destructive sect with strict rules. For years, the founders of the school forced employees to have sex with each other and with customers "to increase sales." Psychologically pressured on clients, they were told that they could not give up training, because it would lead to terrible agony. Many were forced to take loans and go into debt - they transferred all their money to the school. In 2015, the company was forced to pay a court settlement to a former employee who stated that she had been sexually harassed. Many also complained about psychological manipulations, harassment, intimidation and forced sex work.
Some top managers of the company after this investigation resigned, and the school began to close offices around the world. The owners of OneTaste claim that this is not related to the investigation - they just decided to concentrate on online training. At the moment, the investigation is no longer carried out by journalists, but by the FBI, however, the founders of OneTaste continue to claim that their school was created solely for humanistic reasons.
Online training
In general, the very idea of a “masturbation teacher” seems both useful and controversial. On the one hand, many obviously lack the knowledge and skills for this occupation. On the other hand, even if a coach has a sexological or psychological education, he can easily be a fraudster who uses students for money or simply tries to legitimize his attempts at sexual violence. If the teacher practices the so-called erotic massage, then there are even more reasons for concern - you can bring anything under such a vague definition.
For those who would like to learn how to independently reach orgasm without attending public classes and not risking to accidentally join a sect, there are quite a few sites dedicated to masturbation. Most of them are pretty clumsy pornography, but there are also nice projects created with an eye to the needs of women. Например, в мае 2018 года американская компания Emojibator, делающая вибраторы в виде баклажанов, запустила сайт, посвящённый мастурбации. Ресурс обновляли в течение месяца - каждый день эксперты давали читателям советы, как расслабиться и научиться получать удовольствие от процесса. Кроме полезных советов, на рекламном сайте собрали интересные факты о мастурбации, обзоры секс-игрушек и статьи сотрудников компании.
В 2014 году разработчица Тина Гонг придумала приложение для обучения женщин мастурбации Happy Playtime: главной героиней обучающей игры с стала мультяшная вульва по имени Happy. "В приложении есть несколько разделов, - объясняла разработчица. - Есть информационный, и есть раздел с конкретными инструкциями. The user's goal is to “reach orgasm” using a touch screen and a cartoon vulva. Everything is based on real physiology, so with the help of this game, people will better understand how female genitalia works. "According to Gong, her main goal was to destroy the stigma that exists around the theme of female orgasm. She made the vulva cartoon and funny - so that perceive the genitals as something "unpleasant."
The application, however, did not appear in the AppStore, for which Gong conceived it. The reason was formal: she wanted to release Happy Playtime with the 12+ label, but the company declined the offer, because for a twelve-year-old audience, the application seemed to staff to be “too visual.” When Gong agreed to raise the age limit to seventeen years, the company said that Happy Playtime is "not suitable for store offers." At the same time, there are many applications in the AppStore dedicated to sex: from a program that measures length of a penis to a messenger that allows you to share sexual fantasies. But it was the cartoon vulva that seemed out of place to the company representatives. However, in the desktop version of the program HappyPlaytime still exists. Anyone can read the instructions and try to bring Happy to orgasm in sixty seconds.
Photo: Siwakorn - stock.adobe.com
