"Where are you?": How to live when you look younger than your age
About a month ago I wrote to my twitter, that every year I become less and less like a conventional adult. This was said as a joke, but he who was not used to stipulating the word "conventional" would certainly have agreed with this. I almost do not paint, I wear a backpack, overalls and a hat, but often I do not wear a bra. I'm twenty-seven, but even the doctors at first decide that I am from the strength of seventeen years. The fact that I look more young than usual does not bother me - this is the result of my conscious choice. In the end, if it bothered me so much, I would fit in with the standards of society. Another thing bothers me: having automatically decided that I have not overstepped the threshold of adulthood, people often treat me condescendingly - if not rudely. Paradoxically, even professionals like doctors. In our society obsessed with the cult of youth, it is youth that becomes the main crime.
In our society obsessed with the cult of youth, youth is the main crime.
Women are asked to hide their age from each advertising poster. Andy McDowell, who advertises anti-wrinkle cream, retouchs her face to such an extent that a copy of Madame Tussauds would look more realistic. At the same time, any nonsense is called upon to buy beauties in a bikini of indeterminate age, which nevertheless shouts "YOUTH." Youth is a multi-billion dollar business, and everyone is trying to lend a hand: the beauty industry with its miracle products and dietary supplements, plastic surgery with expensive procedures, fashion in the end. Clothing will make you young, just like the models that show it. As well as these magic masks for the face. Eat more of these soft whole grain buns and drink healthy tea.
At the same time, youth in the mass consciousness continues to be associated, if not with stupidity, then precisely with naivety. And endless stereotypes only support this delusion. Young beauties should certainly be stupid and in all agree with men. Children - well, what to take with them, "grow up, you will understand." As the popular saying goes, "if youth knew, and old age could." Until now, it is believed that young age automatically means a complete lack of experience, as well as an inability to think logically. However, both do not necessarily come with age. Both are the result of conscious effort. Other people, having lived for half a century, cannot get rid of infantilism, while adolescents successfully build profitable companies. Perhaps the opposite of hatred works: the one who seemed to have passed the “ideal” age long ago, with bitterness, refers to those who still “fall into the stream”.
In Russia, as in many conservative societies, the rule of "obey the elders" has long been firmly established. A person went through certain stages of social development - just like a pokemon. The Octobrist evolved into a pioneer, he pumped and became a member of the Komsomol, and then joined the party. This whole system was built on the principle of obedience and seniority: there was always someone above you who knows better simply because of his rank. The principle still lives: another one came to take the place of one vertical of power, with the eternal “school-institution-work”, which also necessarily implies a narrative of authority over the “younger ones”. Without going through all the steps, you cannot become an "official" member of society, a "real" adult. It is understood that only a universal experience can earn you respect from others.
The USSR collapsed, and this humiliating principle is still with us. How many times have you heard in your address of the indulgent "child", "grow up - you will understand" and, of course, "where are you!". I come across this constantly. I am twenty-seven: for a teenager - a person with experience, for my parents - quite a child, but for some reason everyone forget that first of all I am a person. With his personal experience, such as it is. With such nonsense, which has not yet become obsolete. A unique individual, as they used to say in social science lessons. However, until now, starting from school and infinitely forward into the future, I continue to not be taken into account simply because I do not look like a “real” adult, forgetting that I do not equal my set of qualities and deserve respect regardless of of them.
Any stereotypes are harmful because they deny the diversity of the world and thereby deprive us of empathy.
Any stereotypes are harmful because they deny the diversity of the world and thereby deprive us of empathy. What do you see looking at me? Set your own ideas about the world. No one can truly understand a stranger, and for this we use stereotypes - they simplify our thinking, accelerate its speed. However, this is just a tool, like any other, it must be used wisely, without replacing them with the whole complex process of thinking. Seeing a stranger is not a person, but a set of stereotypes and dwelling on them, we deprive ourselves of trying to feel something towards others. All of us are much more than a set of our properties; a person is built, no matter how trite, complex and multifaceted.
My struggle with stereotypes began before I was born. Outwardly, I am very similar to my mother, and she faced all the same problems thirty years ago. The best friend of the same age did not call her to her wedding, arguing that mom is “still a child” - because she, like me, has a “funny” snub nose. When I was born, my mother was ignored in the children's clinic, because they did not believe that I was her child. At best, she was taken for my sister. These stories continued in my life. At school, I always stood last in a row on physical education (why bother to build children by height?), I constantly listened to ridicule because of my size, and with age my misery comments from boys and men about my “wrong” figure. This year, trying to get to the hospital, I received an indulgent “well go, go, girl” from a nurse who did not believe that I knew where I was going.
This is symptomatic and it happens all the time. I can hardly remember all such stories, there were so many of them that they merged into one lasting sensation of suffocation. It is especially difficult to deal with the state world of Russia like passport offices and hospitals. There, I am surely rude to everyone: from those who are waiting to their hosts. However, as soon as they find out that I soon get thirty, they become confused - a clear illustration of "expectations and reality." Such dynamics are especially offensive: why do not I deserve the same thorough, calm tone of communication, if I am N years less than you thought? In a sad way, this state of affairs also shaped my view of the world: now, all the time I unconsciously await evaluation by age from everyone, projecting my stereotype on people around.
I am not alone in my problem. While half the world wants to be on the place of Benjamin Button, those who always look "more young", dream of very different things. In the West, people face similar difficulties: for example, a journalist tells how she is not taken seriously at work because of her appearance. The Internet is full of lists in the spirit of "10 problems that all young-looking people know," and these problems are quite serious. It is harder for people all over the world to build relationships with their peers (romantic, and not only), to find a job, to successfully engage in it and earn respect, simply because their appearance does not meet the standard by default.
Partly a humiliating attitude towards the young is a story about violence. Not only inconspicuous and everyday, in caustic comments and mocking remarks, but also quite physical. How often do you see parents screaming at their little children? Rumble on them? Unfortunately, we still do not have a culture of censure of parents who use physical violence and slapping on children, but the culture of punishment is more alive than any living culture. It does not upset me that I look quite different from what society expects from a 30-year-old woman: my appearance is the result of biology, which I don’t want to change, and my choice, which I make according to my preferences. It upsets me that in our culture, being rude to children and, automatically, to everyone who reminds them, remains the norm. Neither children nor adults deserve such an attitude — both are worthy of respect simply because they exist.
Photo: Daria Tatarkova / Instagram