"Smiling and waving": How do they relate to personal space in different countries
Life is made up of little things and daily routine, but in different countries these little things are different. Even personal space in Turkey and China is perceived in its own way, not like in Israel or in the United States. We asked the people who had left Russia and the CIS if they were comfortable in the new circumstances, whether they had to protect their borders and whether it was easy to make friends in a new place.
In Israel it is very easy to talk to a stranger, and no one will perceive this as harassment or violation of personal space. Need to ask something? Make way Council? Where did you buy this blouse? No problems. Many gently, friendly wedged into the conversation, when you sit in a bar with a friend and discuss a very interesting topic, which also affected the stranger. Israel is small, almost everyone knows each other by sight, and therefore the relationship between friends and strangers is intimate, personal. A country like a big summer house, where everything is side by side. You never know, maybe the person to whom you were rude will turn out to be, for example, an employee of a bank, on which it will depend, whether you will be given a loan or not.
People greet simply: "Hello! How are you? What is heard? What's new?" Answer all the questions is not necessary. Getting acquainted here is easy: you hit a conversation with your replica, and it started. People come up and ask where you are going, whether you want to stop for a cup of coffee or for dinner. But even if you refuse (politely!), No one will be offended: they will smile, offer again and wish good luck. At the first meeting, they shake hands, smile. It will always help if a person needs help, if he is ill or is confused and lost, for example. They will come up and ask if they need help. In Israel, all are very friendly and loving, very tactile people.
But the comments can make completely strangers passing by! This is how local grannies expressed themselves to me about the child more than once. But where are they not? Then you need to turn on the filters: either stop and discuss the problem, or say "thank you, dear" and swim past. Personal questions, if raised in a conversation, become public. Of course, you can adjust the border, for which you do not allow the interlocutor, but in general there are no forbidden topics. You can talk about everything and not very quiet. The only exception is religious topics with a religious interlocutor, in which you need to be careful. And we must also bear in mind that if you are in the mood for an entertaining discussion with a well-educated person, then remember: Israel is such a hot country that out of the entire population, at least 15 percent of the population goes to study at the university.
It is wrong to say "But in Europe", because it is large and different, it is also incorrect to say "But in the USA": each state is a "thing in itself", with its own laws and rules, written and unwritten. I am about three years in Nevada. People here are more straightforward and open. The main difference (from my Russian experience) in relation to personal space, perhaps, in the unconditional recognition of its existence and the inalienable right of every person to respect and respect these boundaries. But at the same time, the very concept of personal space is also different from ours. For example, it is not customary to ask too many questions about intimate life. Quite familiar to Russia, "Are you planning to get married?", "And when the second one," and so on, here (oh-oh-very) are relatively permissible only between close friends and the closest relative. But it is perfectly normal to ask, for example, the salary of a friend, and generally discuss each other's financial situation, loans, prices, recent large expenses, etc. (however, it should be noted that this topic is still taboo for the older generation). Social norm - to comment on the appearance of a random person, for example, in a store, but only in a positive way. And only in such a format that it would be impossible to suspect harassment, for example: "Cool shoes!", "What a stylish dress!". The same rules apply to communication with colleagues. At first, I remember, it was pretty crazy to me, I once didn’t even understand why all these people talk to me, I don’t even know them, do I somehow don’t look that way and they make it clear to me? But there is no trick to this, we are just like that, if we like what we see, we voice it.
Appeal to others politely, with all the "sorry, ma'am, please" (I wonder, isn't it because anyone here can have a license for concealed carrying?). The difference in relation to the physical personal space, what is here called "my bubble", is very noticeable. For example, if there is a queue in a store at a gas station, people will stand at a distance of about half a meter from each other, proximity can be regarded as a romantic interest. It is normal to say: "I need more space", - and they will not be offended by this, but will be received with understanding and will try to provide. It is impossible to touch other people's children if they don’t touch you (and even in this case it’s better not to try). But other dogs can be stroked and need, and yours will also be stroked without asking, so they should be well educated.
Familiar make pretty easy. I found myself at the same table of a street cafe in the downtown during some festival, talked, it turned out that both were watching the same series or reading the same author, exchanged contacts on Facebook, everything is familiar. Or, for example, a classmate invites a child for his birthday, it is customary to come to these events up to a certain age accompanied by a parent — that's another ten new acquaintances. Acceptable, it is accepted and practiced to be friendly with colleagues, to be friends of families. But in a true friendship, of course, such relationships usually do not outgrow. When meeting made a handshake. I also had to get used to this: in Russia, after all, a handshake is mostly a masculine greeting. They love to cuddle here, but most often this gesture is reserved for “friends”.
With the help of people an interesting situation. On the one hand, there is an unwritten rule "not my circus, not my monkeys": do not go where they don’t ask. On the other hand, if something is obviously wrong, they will definitely stop and ask if everything is all right. It is customary to look after each other, but not impose assistance. It is rather a feature of Nevada in general and Carson City with its surroundings in particular. Already in the same Reno or Vegas where it is more reasonable to stick to the stranger danger paradigm. Traveling to neighboring states, we heard more than once from local residents that if someone had problems on the road, in ¾ cases they would stop to help with the numbers of Nevada, and most likely from Carson. Oregonians - how lucky; Californians are almost never (however, the latter are generally considered to be a sort of analogue of the “Moscow driver” or “milanese”; in Nevada, they are mostly pretty much disliked). Carson indifferent contagious. Volunteer organizations are in every city, in every district. Tens and hundreds of those who volunteer in animal shelters, centers for the elderly, help the homeless, go out to extinguish forest fires. And, unlike Russia, this is not perceived through the prism of extremes, either as a kind of flawedness, or as mega-movement and self-sacrifice - this is just a daily, everyday norm: he rose himself - give a hand to a neighbor. But you can not - pass by, no one will judge. Interestingly, this is legally supported: lay responders (people who provide first aid before the arrival of paramedics) are protected by law from any possible subsequent claims of the saved (for example, a lawsuit in the style of "you bent my rib while pumped out, and by the way, where is my hat ? ") and also cannot be held liable for refusing to render assistance if they consider it to be outside their qualifications. But at the same time, responsibility is provided for failure to call more qualified assistance in the latter case. That is, you see that you are too tough - do not fit, no one will punish for it, but do not go past, be sure to call those who can.
We just moved to a new home before the wedding, from the neighbors still did not know anyone. On the wedding day, we went to church in the morning, in the evening we jumped home to take luggage before the honeymoon, and on the threshold we were waited by a huge basket of flowers from neighbors, two elderly ladies, whom we had not even met, with a note: "We are unfamiliar, but we saw your holiday, congratulations and we wish you many years in love and happiness. " Already another neighbor, also unfamiliar, brought my dog. She was walking her poodles, passed by our house. My Pointersha managed to undermine the fence and jump out to them while I was picking in the garden on the other side of the house. At this time, as time passed catching, the neighbor took my leash, lied that it was hers. She said that she knows that the dog lives here - and any dogman would do the same. Later, I returned the debt a couple of times in a similar way - to other neighbors.
The Dutch are very sociable people. They can calmly talk with strangers in the queue or on the street or have a word in the transport. The Dutch can start a half hour-hour discussion about the weather or climate. They will be happy to talk about their children and how they spent the day off, how they went on vacation or how they are going to spend it. They enthusiastically ask visitors about traditions and life in the country, about hobbies. But talking about money or politics is not particularly popular here. Many people joke, but more often jokes are associated with puns and distorted sentences. It took me about six months to begin at least partially to understand them, and another six months to begin to find them ridiculous. And this does not mean that the Dutch have no sense of humor, it is just different.
In general, the Dutch are quite positive and smiling, can calmly give a compliment on the street or greet a stranger, or just talk about this and that, but I have never come across a situation when they make comments on the street about their appearance or behavior, if within the law. The coolest thing is that if you ask for help, and the person cannot or does not know how, he tries to explain why. If they are good friends, they will try to find a person in their environment who can help. Just saying no is not the answer. In small cities or villages (and here villages can have up to 30 thousand inhabitants) it is customary to get acquainted with neighbors and communicate periodically. Sometimes they barbecue on the whole street. Even in the business sphere, the Dutch prefer verbal communication, in respect of calls and meetings. But in Holland, it is not customary among the local population to just come to visit in the evening. It is advisable to schedule an appointment for a specific time. Even among friends and good acquaintances, this is a fairly common practice. Therefore, a choice of various planners and diaries are sold in Dutch shops. The Dutch are very sensitive to privacy, especially in the housing issue. For example, in the house it is not customary to show all rooms. Guests mostly stay on the ground floor, where there is a living room with a sofa, and violation of the boundaries of private property is condemned and punished with fines.
Istanbul is overpopulated, vibrant, noisy, multinational. I was very lucky, because in 80% of cases I meet a friendly and open attitude to myself. Turks are curious, because they are on the move trying to ask where I am from, how old I am, whether I work, whether I am married to a Turk, and whether there are children. When I say that from Ukraine, everyone starts to remember Odessa and Lviv, they are sympathetic about the military actions in the Donbass, and always as the final phrase: "Ukraine is a beautiful country, and Ukrainian women are beautiful." In principle, I did not see or hear any cold attitude, haughty glances or insults in my side, although my friends say that they often came across this. I have seen many times how men and women hail schoolchildren fighting in the streets. Or they pull off if they see that someone has offended a street cat (and the Turks oh, how they love cats). Usually comments are made in the same style: "Daughter / son, what are you doing?" The reference is standard and not very dependent on the age of the one to whom the comments are made.
At work, everyone is trying to help somehow; there will definitely be those who will feed traditional Turkish dishes and talk about life in Turkey in the villages. On the street, in public places, at gas stations usually a positive and friendly attitude. They paid for me on the subway and buses, helped me find the right transport, caught a taxi on the street, gave up my place in the local bus, helped me to get off at the stop I needed, even treated me to pastries in fresh bread shops. Turks often help without even asking for help. If something spilled out of the bags, someone scratched the car, could not park - you can be 90% sure that someone will come running and offer help. But in Istanbul there are areas where it is better not to go at all, and there are areas that are quite famous where wealthy people live. There is usually a relaxed atmosphere, all smiling, calm, tanned, funny.
Turks keep distance depending on who they communicate with. It is customary to greet the elevator, no matter how strangers you are to each other. They greet and politely shake hands with colleagues, meetings with friends begin with joyful exclamations "OOOO" a couple of meters before the meeting, with arms spread apart in different directions, always with kisses on the cheeks. The relatives decided to kiss the back of the palms as a sign of respect. At parting, everyone also kisses each other in a circle. Many kiss their hand and apply it to their foreheads. As a rather nasty representative of foreigners, I personally have never done this, but the Turks themselves do and expect the same from foreigners who join Turkish families. Especially on this traditional gesture, elderly villagers are obsessed. The Turks, despite the general religiosity of the country and the staunch propaganda of Erdogan, are quite open and friendly towards the other sex. They can clap each other on the shoulder, they can wrap a scarf around their neck, and it doesn’t matter what sex they wrap and wrap. It is worth noting that I am talking about my surroundings: these Turks are not religious, women and girls do not have heads covered, and men do not consider that a skirt above the knees should be beaten with a mortal combat.
After ten minutes of communication, the Turks exchange phones, add a friend on Facebook and instagram, often writing for no reason. And you shouldn't be surprised if suddenly a parking guard by the name finds you on instagram and sends a request as a friend, and then twenty times it will remind you that he sent the request, and still offendedly wondered why you haven’t added it yet . I am not a fan of such high-speed friendships, so my profiles are closed and I blatantly lie that I don’t use anything, otherwise I won’t get rid of the questions. Not to add a friend to your friends who you know for ten minutes and have seen twice in your life is almost a personal insult.
The only topic closed for discussion is salary. One can only guess, but ask in the open? Oh, no, it is better to immediately jump from the bridge into the deep Bosphorus. Everything else is discussed openly, especially the Turks like to get into personal affairs with questions: "Do you have children? No? Why? And when are you planning? And why is it so late? How old are you? And for your husband? And where is the husband? And where is he from? and you? " They can say directly and rather sarcastically that a hairstyle or make-up is not so hot that a dress does not fit. Moreover, such comments are made by both men and women. My boss for 70 years at one of the meeting said (quote): "You, Marinades, a beautiful girl, one thing in you is not beautiful - your white skin. You need to sunbathe, drink vitamins, go to a solarium, smear with bronzants. Don't go with white kicking, it's not pretty. " A separate topic is weight. It is customary to discuss the weight of each other openly and for a long time. Every kilogram gained is visible to everyone: the cinema ticket seller, and colleagues, and neighbors, and relatives. And it’s quite normal to say that you have recovered, a stomach has appeared, your face is swollen, there’s enough to eat. And nobody cares about your stress, hormones, just a fun week with pizza for breakfast. You're fat, and everyone should tell you about it quickly. Again, gender is not important. The Turks are very fond of asking which team you are footballing for. This is a kind of indicator and one of the screening tools. Galatasaray fans will not be friends with Fenerbahçe fans and vice versa. If a person has football sympathies with you, then he is immediately recorded as a friend: “Do you, too, support the“ Besiktas “?! Oh, your man!”
In Canada, the people are super-polite, friendly, and a little chatty. At the bus stop, for example, you are precisely embroiled in a dialogue about nature-weather-latest news, which is nice, but sometimes it scares a little. So one grandmother showed me photos of all her grandchildren while we were waiting for the bus. I had to get used to talk and smile for a long time. In Canada, everything is a bit strange in Russian. Canadians are really insanely sociable, I can not imagine that I silently rode in an elevator with my neighbors or just stood in a queue in the store, everywhere will be pursued by a nice socialite. Это, с одной стороны, здорово, и из-за этого очень легко влиться в любой коллектив, но вот с другой стороны, немного пугает, когда с тобой пытается завязать беседу абсолютно незнакомый тебе человек. Ещё меня немного поражает микс вежливости и отсутствия субординации, незнакомцу вполне могут задать какой-то очень личный вопрос (например, у меня на работе первым делом спрашивают, когда я заведу детей), или будут общаться со своим боссом в том же тоне, что и с другом.But at the same time, they try to be tolerant of shortcomings, and because of this it is difficult to understand whether a person likes you or he mentally damned you. In conversations do not discuss politics-religion. In general, our people love to talk about food, they can discuss for hours who eats what, how it tasted, where they will eat later, with which this food can be compared. I still have not adapted to maintain this dialogue. But the McDonald's burger may be the star of the conversation, the whole break at work.
Canada is a multinational country, and here it is reminded at all workers' meetings that it is not necessary to touch other people if you are not sure about their attitude, so it is with caution that they are touched, especially if they are not sure of their knowledge of the interlocutor’s culture. Although you can always get into the company of temperamental Latino Italians, and you will be squeezed all the time, but at first they will be interested in whether you really like your hugs. You have the right to say that you are not touched; they send this reminder regularly to my work.
In Canada, people help each other. When a terrible accident happened near our house, then half a house with blankets-water-first-aid suitcases went up to the street. Many are ready to take them to the hospital or call a taxi at their own expense. I like this a lot, it forces me to flow into society and also run for help.
It is quite difficult to transfer relations from neutral to friendly, the people are very homely and tend to spend a lot of time within the family and a long-established circle of contacts. This is partly because of small cities where people communicate for generations, partly because of the large number of migrants who seek to communicate within their group. And there remains a small layer of people who came from other countries or who moved from another province. This is especially noticeable in the New Year and Christmas period, when in Russia everyone aspires to be somehow noted together, while in Canada they mainly want to stay at home with their families. So it turns out that, on the one hand, everyone is happy for you, smiling, ready to help, and as a treatment for a stranger, it exceeds all expectations, but it is very difficult to go from the “familiar” stage to the “buddy” stage. But the country is big, so much depends on the province.
I have been living in a small resort town between Barcelona and Girona for fifteen years. On the coast of Maresme, Calella is probably the town with the largest share of those who come in large numbers - 25%, and another 40% are Spaniards from other regions.
I would say that the Catalans are more closed than the Spaniards. The children of immigrants from the south of Spain are usually more convivial, a walk with a pram on the main street turns into endless "hi-how-do-by". With children in general a difficult situation. They just shamelessly paw, pop fucking candy, tickle. Own, alien. Sometimes I scream in my voice: “Did you wash your hands, what are you putting on your daughter in the face ?! And if I am you?” Although this detoxication has its advantages. Children and mothers can do everything, and no one will be outraged by breastfeeding on the street, changing diapers on the restaurant table or naked babies. This is natural for them, and therefore necessary.
In critical situations, the people here are responsive. If someone is leaning against the wall, they will definitely ask if help is needed. They will hold the door to the grandmother, they will help the old man to remove dog affairs from the ground if it is difficult for the grandfather to stoop. One moment that struck me was a feeling of a shoulder, a commune, when neighbors or an unknown woman on the street trying to help: repair the column, charge the battery. Once I forgot my wallet at home, I realized that already at the store’s checkout. Sad, asked the saleswoman to postpone the package, while I run for the money, I live in two blocks. A saleswoman said that I can bring money later. At that time, I didn’t live in this town for a year, I was in this store only a few times.
But there is a payoff for it - everyone wants to know everything about everything in life. Although it is not customary to complain and ask for help too. Therefore, if someone made a request, it means that the person is in trouble. If on the way to work you intersect with someone more than two times, then you will definitely begin to say hello, and there you can drink a glass of wine. And if the company represents someone unfamiliar, it is usually assumed to stand up and kiss each other on both cheeks. Men shake hands. The difference is that there is a big fat border between simple acquaintances and real friends.
In Italy, people smile a lot to each other, and everyone greet each other within their quarter. After Moscow, where I lived for nine years, this is quite unusual. Especially compared to Dushanbe, where I was born and grew up: there, residents of one quarter greet each other politely, but smile at each other a little, usually only women and women, especially the mentality. To be honest, I am more impressed with the Moscow cool in relation to strangers. In small Italian cities, curious glances at each new person in the neighborhood are attached to welcome greetings, sweet talk with vendors and smiles. In tiny Pisa, where I lived for almost two years, the townspeople stared at the new people without restraint, like children, opening their mouth and with a childishly innocent look, it was very annoying. Probably in big cities like Milan there is no such thing, but I haven’t checked it yet.
In southern Italy, it is normal to kiss a person on the cheek at the second meeting. In general, this is a generally accepted act of greeting everyone with everyone in an informal setting. At the official meeting you will shake hands, but it is quite likely that if you meet this same person later in an informal setting, you will receive a kiss from him. In Pisa, in this regard, a little cooler: Pisans will reach for your cheek after about the third-fifth meeting. And then only in the case that your relationship develops in a friendly manner and at previous meetings you had a great time together. But in Apulia you will be kissed on the cheek, even if your previous meeting with a man was a year ago and you barely exchanged a couple of phrases on it.
Italians render assistance on the street easily. Somehow, right under our window, a young man collapsed in writhing (by the way, later it turned out that he was Russian, adopted by the locals). He did not have time to spend a few seconds in this state, how he ran to help the whole quarter, immediately called an ambulance and so on. On the other hand, if a person is not bad, and he just makes an assault or people quarrel in the street, no one will make comments or call them to order, people will only turn away condemning until there is a real threat. But if a person does not just shout something drunk, but he also decided to hit the shop windows, or the couple didn’t just quarrel, but someone started hitting someone, passersby would intervene and call the police.
Singles make it easy, a couple of bottles of beer together - and you're in a party. But to call friendship such a connection would be a stretch. I don’t know how in the northern provinces, but in the southern ones they call friends of childhood, as a rule. Many foreigners, especially from countries with a “cold” mentality, take the cordial cordial hospitality of the Italians for wanting to make friends. But this is a mistake, the Italians, especially the South, are good-natured and cordial in themselves, you should not consider this a special sign of attention and affection for you personally.
The topics forbidden for conversation are the same as in most European countries: salary, something personal, politics. However, you may be asked a question about your income, if you work in an unknown interlocutor of the industry, with apologies for curiosity, of course. Politicians can also relate to the company of close friends, or if you are a foreigner and you can tell something interesting about your country. According to my observations, in southern Italy, the main taboos are family problems. A phrase like "I quarreled with my mother" will make the Italian interlocutors feel uncomfortable and look away. If the Italian is discussing his family problems with you, he is either not in himself (drunk, knocked out by problems), or you are really a very close friend to him. In this case, just talking about the family is not forbidden, just not about the problem.
In my experience, I can feel the difference between the Irish and Californian mentality (there is no “American” mentality!). But everything is in order.
In Ireland, not to chat for a life with a taxi driver is rude. If it's lonely on a Friday night, you can always go to a local pub and find a company of soul. I remember how my mother came to visit me. She has no English, and here we were in a pub in the outback in the very west of the island. I went to the bar for a beer. When I returned, my mother was already animatedly communicating with a local woman in sign language and good nature. This is very illustrative of the Irish mentality: you are considered a friend by default and the language barrier is not a hindrance. In America, a little different, although the mentality varies depending on the state. I live in Silicon Valley, which has its advantages and disadvantages. Of the advantages - liberal and open, typical of the Berner subculture, the regulars of the Burning Man festival. In Ireland it was very easy for me to make friends. Americans are much more difficult, perhaps because of this desire not to offend, not to offend. But entering certain circles is much easier. For example, Berner, this is a very interesting subculture, and there are both poor hippies and billionaires. And it is very interesting, as belonging to a common subculture instantly removes masks and makes people closer. Of the shortcomings - unnatural reactions. I sometimes get the feeling that people live behind a glass wall. Yes, you are smiling and waving. But what's the use? Yes, a smile is a state of duty person, but from excessive use it loses its value.
In California, people are more formal. But this formality has its advantages: you will always be asked if it is convenient for you to shake hands, hug and so on. You will not be looked upon as a fool, if you say that it is in principle unpleasant for you to hug. You will not be looked upon as a fool if you express views that are different from those of the majority. Even if you say you voted for Trump. What is in Ireland, that in America negative remarks are better to keep to yourself. Yes, if the lace is untied, then, most likely, they will thank for the remark, but it is better not to go. I train a lot in the gym, so, if it’s normal in Russia to make a remark or a compliment about the form during training, then in Ireland or America it’s an absolute taboo.
I live in Beijing, in a huge city where there are more than 20 million people, nobody here communicates with anyone, nobody smiles at anyone and absolutely doesn’t care about how you look and what you wear. They communicate in different ways, it all depends on with whom. If with the parent - then everything is polite; if with the down ones - then, as a rule, it is very boorish. This is Asia, it has its own specifics. The Chinese always formally communicate with foreigners, not that this respect is more of a language barrier. Here they hold on to a certain personal space, it is much smaller than is customary in Western countries, but it exists. For example, a person will stand at a distance of 30 centimeters - and this is normal, no discomfort, but no one will hug at the first meeting. Although shaking hands or even hugging, if you are already friends, this is the norm.
The Chinese have a strong policy of non-intervention: if someone has a problem, then this is not my problem, it does not concern me, I am not obliged to solve it, I go and go about my business. Although socially active people who, say, help the elderly, extol and set an example. But still, almost nobody does that. Here they do not like being touched by children, especially when someone is stroked on the head. This is generally not accepted in Asia, although I have not come across this.
There is still a difference between cities and villages, they go to Beijing from the provinces, and these people are rural by Chinese standards (three million people can live here in the “village”). Five years ago, foreigners were shown a finger, now there is no such thing, but it is worth going about fifty kilometers from the big city, and fingers will appear again. This is not rude, people have never really seen people of a different race.
I am a foreigner and live in a certain environment, as a rule, these are my colleagues, my family and a few close people. I hardly communicate with the Chinese, I have only one Chinese among my relatives, considering that I lived here for six years. And only in the sixth year there were friends. It’s not customary to meet and approach the passers-by, if you don’t have mutual friends, it’s almost impossible to discover a new person (unless you met at the club and didn’t wake up in the morning in one doorway, and it happens).
One feels some kind of social discontent, but no one expresses it, because here, in principle, it is not customary to express one’s own opinion, especially if it is criticism. If you do not keep such an opinion with you, they will consider you a fool.
In South Africa, decided to smile at each other. I live in a small residential area and often go to the store along a quiet, not very busy street. And about 80% of those I met on my way greet and smile with me. Many ask how things are going, or they can ask a simple question, for example about the weather, although we see each other for the first and last time. When a person turns to another, even if he is in a great hurry, he will still ask how things are going. Even in a store, it’s normal to talk to another customer, ask for something or give advice. It is normal (and this is a manifestation of courtesy) to ask strangers questions: "Where are you from?", "What district do you live in?" or "Why do you buy it?".