6 tips on how to come out and not hurt yourself
Cuming out in Russia is still a challenge - not surprising, given the current law on "gay propaganda" and the fact that the number of people who condemn homosexual relationships has increased in the country to 80%. This makes preparing for an already difficult conversation even more difficult: you have to not only think about the course of the conversation, but also worry about your own security. We talked with experts about how to get a coming out as carefully as possible towards yourself - and what you should remember if you decide on it.
alexander savina
Remember that there is no single way for everyone.
Of course, there is no single way - exactly how and before whom to make coming out (and whether to do at all!) Everyone decides for himself. “You need to understand that coming-out is a very broad concept and there is no some kind of“ right ”or“ wrong ”coming-out, and to start from this,” said Vitaly Bespalov, editor-in-chief of “Guys PLUS”. Look, there are two forms of coming out - “revolutionary” and “evolutionary”. " The "revolutionary" option, according to Bespalov, implies that a person declares his identity immediately, abruptly and to everyone - for example, writes a post on social networks or gathers acquaintances and friends in one place, say, on his birthday. “It's bright, beautiful, healthy, but not everyone is suitable,” Vitaly notes. “What I call an evolutionary coming-out is when a person hides, for example, orientation, but gradually increases the number of loved ones who know the truth. Today, he or she talks about this to his brother, after a week to parents, after two weeks to friends, more and more people know. Thus, gradually, after a year, two, three, five, the vast majority know, and the person lives completely calm. " The British organization Stonewall advises to remember that coming-out does not have to be extended immediately to all areas of a person’s life - and you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself.
Vitaly Bespalov notes that what kind of coming-out will be depends on a lot of factors: "Starting from what city you live in, what kind of society you are in (coming out in 50 thousand people in the city, and coming out in Moscow is two different coming-outs), what kind of people surround you and do they guess about the situation ".
Think of your own safety
This is one of the most important issues concerning coming out: given the level of homophobia and transphobia in society, it can sometimes be simply unsafe to talk about your orientation and gender identity. “Remember that you are not obliged to make anyone coming out - if you feel unsafe physically or psychologically, you should probably postpone leaving the closet,” says Sasha Kazantseva, an LGBT founder, “For example,” in Russia, many they are revealed to relatives after they begin to live separately and become financially independent, although at the same time there are receiving parents who are immediately ready to support their homosexual, bisexual and transgender children. "
“It’s impossible to give universal advice, but most often it’s about coming out in a family - this may be the most risky and difficult area,” notes Maria Sabunaeva, head of the psychological service of the LGBT initiative group “Coming Out” and the Russian LGBT Network. - Nobody knows for you what your family is, how functional or dysfunctional it is. If this family makes it possible to beat and break the law in relation to each other, you can be kicked out on the street or something else like that, think really but do you need to make a coming out right now, just in front of these people. Not to forbid yourself to do it - decide how much you are willing to allow these people into your personal life and whether it is not risky. "
Maria Sabunaeva believes that before a conversation it is very important to assess the risks to life and health (for example, if they can beat you), whether something threatens your well-being - for example, if you have no place to sleep or you are left without means of livelihood (if parents contain you or, for example, pay tuition). The expert says that while assessing the risks, you can prepare a springboard for retreat: “For example, talk in advance with friends to understand that you can stay with someone. Maybe you can collect some basic things in advance. This is very similar to the instruction of victims of domestic violence - unfortunately, the coming-outs often cause violent actions in response, and therefore we have to instruct people as if they were subjected to violence. "
Maria Sabunaeva adds that, in addition to physical, psychological violence is also possible, they can pressure you, blackmail you, bring you to tears and so on - and in this case it is also important to understand where to look for support. “It may be good to come to understand if there are special organizations in your city, if you can register with a psychologist, if you can go to a support group, or if you can call the hotline. For example, there is such a line in Russian LGBT -Network, it works every day from three to nine hours Moscow time. Are there any friends or girlfriends who will support you if something goes wrong or will pressure you.Do you have ways to retreat in case psychological the pressure will be too strong Is it possible, for example, not to stay in the apartment, to somehow close in your room, or you will not be allowed to do this. Protect your space in any way, "she adds.
“I, of course, advocate that coming-out is great, but there are a lot of situations where it might be worth the wait,” Vitaly Bespalov agrees. “Speaking of my experience, I lived in three cities - the first was 100 thousand people, the second was almost a million, and the third was St. Petersburg. Making a coming out in the first city would be very difficult, and the consequences could be very different. Making a coming out in a millionaire is much easier. "
Vitaly Bespalov notes that it may be easier and safer for someone to come out at a distance after moving from a small town to a bigger city. "When you are in a safer space, when you have a job and you earn money on your own, even if the parents say" You are no longer our son (not the daughter), "at least you will not be shut down and not beaten “Cuming-out is never too late,” he believes.
A separate issue that needs attention is social networks: consider whether information about your identity can reach someone who can hurt you through them. Vitaly Bespalov warns that you should not make a coming out in social networks if you live in a small city: "This is a beautiful gesture, a beautiful coming out, but it will be irreversible - even if you delete a post in two hours, in some groups "Overheard" "VKontakte" screenshots will appear. Everyone knows each other, and this can be really dangerous. "
Ask for help
Cuming-out is not an easy step, and you have every right to ask for help - friendly or professional. “You can preliminarily discuss the coming coming out with a loved one who is already aware of your identity, or consult with a psychologist at a LGBT organization for free. A specialist or a specialist will help you plan a conversation, take into account possible pitfalls, insure where it may be needed” - says Sasha Kazantseva.
In addition to girlfriends and friends who are familiar with your situation and are able to support you, you can always seek professional help - from an LGBT friendly psychologist who understands the specifics of coming out in Russia, or to an LGBT organization. "You and your relatives can get free psychological counseling at the Moscow Resource and Moscow Community Center, St. Petersburg Exit and Action, the Ekaterinburg Resource Center, the Raduzhny Mir, Perm, LGBT Network branches in different cities, - says Kazantsev. - If you live in another city - in these organizations you can find out the contacts of local LGBT-friendly people or just talk to a psychologist via Skype. "
Think about what you say
As with any difficult and emotional conversation, it is better to prepare for the coming-out in advance - at least roughly think about what you will say so as not to get lost. It is worth considering the form (a personal meeting or, for example, a letter) and a convenient time to talk - most likely you will not be able to talk about everything on the run.
In addition, experts advise to be prepared for the fact that those before whom you open yourself do not necessarily understand well the topics of gender identity and sexual orientation - which means you may have to answer questions and explain something to them. “It is clear that such a conversation is connected with excitement and emotion. But you just need to imagine what questions will follow and think over the answers to them,” says Vitaly Bespalov. do you? "," Oh, and you did not try with a girl / did not try with a guy? "," And how did you understand (s)? "These are fairly simple questions, and you need to imagine in advance what you will answer to this. Heterosexual people don't necessarily know everything about LGBT. "
Consider if you need time to adapt.
The organization of Gendered Intelligence advises to remember that after coming out of a transgender person, it may take time to get used to the correct pronouns and terms - especially if they have little knowledge of gender issues. This, of course, does not mean that you have to put up with mis-rendering - it’s rather a matter of agreeing on some kind of “transitional” time period in order to restructure.
Remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Remember that a statement of identity is not something you should be ashamed of. "No need to make excuses," says Vitaly Bespalov. "You need to explain, enlighten, but not stand in the position of a man who did something terrible."
"Remember that you have the right to come out because there is nothing wrong in coming out," says Maria Sabunaeva. "Coming out is a perfectly normal action. Honestly, if there were no such atmosphere in society, it would not be necessary to call it a special word. We use a special word as long as there is homophobia and transphobia. We have the right to call ourselves what we want, designate our identity and communicate it to other people and expect a calm response from them - and if they react unhealthy, then we have every right to protect yourself in any way. "
Photo: Andriy Nekrasov - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)
