How to properly discuss problems with a partner
Text: Olga Miloradova
At the beginning of any relationship in a new partner, we all admire or it seems charming. Does he or she flood you with messages and worry that you are not responding in a minute? Oh, that's so cute. You quarreled, he boiled, did not want to discuss anything and left, slamming the door? What passions, of course, need him to write and give up. But time passes, adrenaline from quarrels is no longer that way, rough sex becomes less turbulent, or at least does not solve all problems. And then the question begins to arise - what is in common between you, do you have the same ideas about good and evil, how to come to a consensus and should you try at all?
First of all, during any conflict situation it is important to abandon two practices, at first glance, diametrically opposed, but equally destructive in result. The first is to shout at each other, the second is to walk away from the discussion and hide behind an insulted or depressed silence.
Even if you are very touched, deceived, changed, and you are unbearably painful - until you shout, they will not hear you. Perhaps nothing like this happened, but boiling over trifles and really want to speak. In any case, it is important to remember that the calmer you are, the more likely it is to be heard. Moreover, although it is considered indecent to talk only about oneself, this is the very case when it is not bad to switch from “you” to “me” Let's say, instead of the indignant "you act like an asshole," you can formulate much more constructively, for example: "I am touched by your sexist jokes."
In general, it is very important to know the boundaries of the comfort of everyone in your pair: some words and expressions may be completely unacceptable for one, and the other does not seem offensive at all. Someone may be forever offended by the phrase "Oh, you fool", and considers other and more rude expressions innocent and funny. Each of us has our own stigmas and fears, sometimes from childhood, deep and unconscious. Perhaps something that you are offended, negatively painted only for you. So, until you discuss what is acceptable and what is not for someone, a form in which a person tried to clothe something complimentary, for example, can hurt, for example: "In bed, you're a real slut."
And here we come to the second side of the medal: all these subtleties are impossible to know and, therefore, discuss if one of you refuses to go to dialogue and sulks in the corner. Moreover, due to the nature of their upbringing, some people are able to keep silent for weeks, and even for years - especially if such a pattern of behavior has been encouraged in their families. If you suppress and hide insults, then you can live together for years, not knowing that you wound each other every day.
Suppose you are ready to go ahead and finally discuss something without shouting, loud accusations or insulted silence in response. It is very important to consider the rules adopted in your pair. We all come from different families, often from different cultural environments, we were raised differently. Someone is hurt by a partner's overnight stay with friends, and someone is very important to have personal space and time, which he can spend alone with himself or his favorite work. Someone thinks that everything needs to be told to each other, and the other - that is, for example, other people's secrets.
You can live together for years without realizing that you wound each other every day.
Absolutely not the fact that on all issues you will reach a full agreement. Even more, I doubt that you will sit down at the negotiating table and draw up a contract with a list of all possible misunderstandings and differences in views and principles. But avoiding such discussions altogether, you risk sooner or later strike a partner, as you think, out of the blue - or, on the contrary, to be accused of insensitivity, cruelty or betrayal, in your opinion, completely unfair. It is much better to learn about such nuances before and not after, and always keep them in mind, understanding how your actions can affect the feelings of your partner and what consequences they may have.
There are many small details, seemingly simple, understandable and very important for the dialogue, but many neglect them. During a conversation, pull the headphones out of your ears, do not look at the computer or TV, do not stick into the smartphone. Even if you are sure that you are extremely multifunctional, all this greatly affects the quality of the contact. You miss the facial expressions, posture, emotions of a person. Often it’s not easy for everyone to talk directly, and they start from afar. If they see a complete lack of interest, then they may simply not reach the important point or they will conclude that all attempts to talk and solve the problem are meaningless.
A good example is a comedy where a girl wants to tell her boyfriend about pregnancy. Exactly at this moment he is distracted by screaming children and sighs that children are terrible. Of course, his girlfriend is cut short by half a word, and then as the law of the genre suggests. Do not be this here jojkiller. Be able to first listen to the end with all the attention, concentration and involvement you are capable of, and only then allow yourself to speak in response. Try to understand the feelings of a partner, and any interlocutor in principle, and generally develop empathy in yourself. Try to imagine what you would feel in his place. Do not criticize, but give an honest answer. Do not give advice if they are not asked. Sometimes it is necessary to just listen to you, instead of comments about how great you would be in this situation. Judging from the side, and especially after the fact, is always easier.
And most importantly: if a situation has arisen in your life in which a person significant to you has offended you, do not rush to tear off all connections, erase phones and cross out each other. Perhaps you just did not understand each other. Perhaps he does not even know about your insult or considers himself right. It may not fully understand what happened or how to fix it. Never put a cross on anything until you have discussed everything. We discussed calmly and without screaming, where each side had the opportunity to speak out and be heard. Perhaps it is this conversation that is not the beginning of the end, as you thought, but the beginning of true understanding.
The only and radical exception to this rule is if you were subjected to violence, both physical and psychological. Especially if it was done for some time, regularly and consistently. There is not a single reason capable of justifying it, and in this situation nothing depends on your readiness for dialogue: here you need to find the strength and put an end to it without further discussion.