How to keep friendship with a broken couple?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to keep friendship when close friends break up, and you want to keep good relations with both?
There is nothing better than beloved friends, who are also a strong, happy couple. And worse - when such a pair falls apart. Not only is it difficult to look at how both are going through and suffering, it is also not clear how to behave so as not to incur anger and maintain friendship with both.
OLGA MILORADOVA psychotherapist
Most often it happens that when your boyfriend or girlfriend is going through parting, then you are trying hard to support him or her in this difficult period. If you remember the second, already former, half, then most likely in the context of soul-saving conversations on the topic that he (a) did not cost you (a) and all in the same spirit. At least, to maintain some kind of relationship with your friend’s lost pair, especially when his [friend's] spirit is broken, it would be at least ridiculous, but it could be a betrayal.
Imagine a different situation: you have friends, a couple who, together with school, or at least from college, you don’t remember which of them you first met - and that’s not important. Against the background of how everyone else meets and breaks up, marry, give birth to children, divorce scandalously, they are such an indestructible pillar for you, looking at whom you understand that here it is, true love, because if not they, then who. And this pillar is crumbling. And right there the whole world, once beautiful from the side, begins to pour on you from both sides: you learn that it did not at all be touched, that he collected soldiers, she just hoped to the last that he would grow up someday and give Arny's figure to their child , but will not pull it out of his hands with horror. And he, for example, put up with her visiting a group of spiritual growth, until she began to spend all her weekends and holidays there. But even this is not the case, the fact is that, on the one hand, you most likely want to save relations with both, but you have to walk on very thin ice. What to do and which side to take? How to survive it and keep both friends?
You should not swear in the eternal friendship of someone to one and renounce communication with another
First of all: be honest. You should not swear in the eternal friendship of someone to one and renounce communication with another, if you are not going to do it. And especially never play such a game in both directions, otherwise you will do yourself a disservice. No matter how uncomfortable, uncomfortable, embarrassing, or something else has happened in your head, honestly admit to each side that it just so happens that you are important to me both. I will always be there if and when I am needed, but yes, I intend to communicate with the second one, even if you don’t like it. From this follows a second and unpleasant point: there will be tension between you and your friends. Even if they are wonderful and all-understanding guys, they now have fresh wounds, so it will be impossible to do without jealousy, remarks about how much time you spend with which of them, questions about how there is another, and uninterrupted attempts to return you to your camp in the style of "well, tell me the truth, did he find a fool for himself?" You must be steadfast as a tin soldier. Exactly at that moment, when you agree with the opinion of the first, that the second participant in the drama - the brute and the idiot - you lost, you were recruited and you would have to continually cheat. And since he is the second, a priori now the enemy, then he will undoubtedly very quickly be told that you are no longer on his side (but even if not, can you yourself look him honestly in the eyes)?
It is almost impossible to avoid the situation of ex-partner discussion. Therefore, try to adhere to a clear position for yourself: or you immediately declare that despite your understanding of the painfulness and offense of the situation, you are simply not ready to hear about all the injustices and abominations that have occurred in this relationship, or if you are still ready to render moral support, listening to all that is painful (and that is likely to be extremely unpleasant towards another), try to keep neutrality - just listen. Imagine yourself a priest in confession, try not to argue and disagree with anything, no more than nod in deep thought, but in no case insert support phrases, in the spirit of "yes, he really is a goat."
It is important to be honest: tell them about events and warn them that you are calling both
Separate problem: intersections. Surely you are from the same company and go to the same concerts and parties, and some events, perhaps, arrange yourself. The first thing you want to do is hide your head in the sand and ignore this pair. But in this way you will lose both, and perhaps forever, because one of the good ways to support is to pull them out somewhere, call for parties, perhaps introduce them to someone. Again, it is important to be honest: tell them about events and warn them that you are calling for both. If they have not yet gone mad, but are not ready to see each other, then perhaps they themselves will be able to agree on the order of attendance at events and ways not to face their foreheads. If they do not communicate in principle, try to schedule them yourself and alternate invitations. Plus you want to hope that you are not the only friend and from time to time in the matter of consolation you can be replaced by someone else. Anyway, this situation, perhaps, will change all of you, maybe your relationship will change, perhaps, with the appearance of new partners, your friends will turn everything upside down. And perhaps you yourself will be in a relationship with one of them, but that’s another story. And now it would be nice to get out of this mess so as not to be ashamed of anything later, with your head held high.