It's not a cake: Why are we sad on our birthday
"I want to"- Leslie Gore sang in the sixties. Even if you are not afraid of a birthday, you probably know those who are anxious, sad, or annoyed at any mention of the holiday on the eve of the date. “I don’t like a birthday because it’s that day that I feel acutely unloved and not good enough,” says Natasha. “It’s not even about achievements, but about the feeling that it’s impossible to fit into some important structures, be it friendship, family , relationships. In general, I begin to feel keenly that everyone supposedly hates me or barely suffers. "
At the same time, Natasha says that she well remembers when it was the birthday that became unbearable: in her teenage years she was a victim of bullying, which did not stop even during the holiday. "On the day when I should have been particularly pleased with the fact of my existence, I was aggressively reminded that I did not fit into the world that surrounds me, that is, I was born to become an outcast. They stopped me in time, but the feeling remained," she is.
The approaching holiday can be unpleasant and painful and without a traumatic experience. Moreover, this condition is so frequent that in English there is an expression "birthday blues" (literally - "anguish on the day of birth") - a feeling of melancholy or despondency that a person experiences on the eve of his birthday.
According to the psychologist, Gestalt and psychodrama psychotherapist Darya Prikhodko, it is difficult to find a universal reason for which people are sad before their birthday. It is important, for example, whether the parents themselves rejoiced that day, conveying to the child a sense of celebration, or perceived it as a “duty” that the whole family should leave.
If on a birthday you want to go to the museum alone, but you think that you are obliged to throw a party for fifteen people, it is unlikely to bring anything but disappointment and annoyance.
A birthday, like any other "important" date, managed to acquire hundreds of additional meanings in culture - this is almost always a mass event requiring serious financial and emotional expenses. And if a lot is said about the wedding industry, which calls us to spend more and more, then the effect of the approaching birthday is thought less often. But in vain, because when thinking about a birthday, a stereotypical image arises: multi-colored caps, garlands and a lot of people, or at least a circle of close friends. The Internet is full of ideas on how to arrange a holiday for both children and adults - and all of them are designed for large-scale celebration. Naturally, this format does not suit everyone - and, like any cliché, can drive into frames. If on a birthday you want to go to the museum alone, but you think that you are obliged to throw a party for fifteen people instead, it is unlikely to bring anything other than frustration and annoyance.
"It is important to look at how close the environment takes into account whether the common form of celebration is suitable for the birthday boy," Daria Prikhodko said. classmates for a big and noisy party, growing up, a person will perceive this holiday as a flour. " The wishes of the child may not be taken seriously because they do not correspond to the generally accepted ideas about the holiday: "The connection with such a grown up child is lost, and he does not give himself the right to live this day as he once wanted to" - Specifies the expert.
Many people associate a birthday with a "check" of relationships - for example, they specifically monitor how many people remember and congratulate them, or who will call by phone, and not be limited to reporting on social networks. A strange situation is emerging: it is unlikely that on any other day you pay attention to how you communicate with friends (except you remember how long you've met in person), but on your birthday, communication acquires new meanings. That is, for many, a birthday is also an audit of one’s own value and value of relationships with other people.
Equalizing the number of congratulations with a bad or good attitude is still not worth it: social networks brought congratulations to automatism, to some extent even devaluing them (messages from practically strangers who accidentally joined friends). And in any case it is unreasonable to judge the quality of friendship and by the presence or absence of wishes in social networks. “About two or three weeks before my birthday, I have thoughts that I really have no friends,” says Anya. “With all these people, whom I consider to be my friends by default, with whom I go to some events, to whom I go to visit and with which I drink in a bar once a week, are in fact not friends at all, but acquaintances who communicate with me, perhaps only because I, for example, live near or because we have known too long ". There is no objective reason for such thoughts, and everything usually ends well. “As a result, I have a great birthday and every time, as on the first, I wonder what kind of good people surround me,” she says.
Our ideas about age are superimposed on the idea of a birthday - and all the associated fears. It is not surprising, because age in society is still associated with the "decline of life" - isolation, decline in activity, health problems, and difficulties in work - and each holiday date seems to only bring this bleak picture closer.
According to Daria Prikhodko, on ordinary days we do not pay attention to the passage of time and do not think that life is finite - and our birthday makes us look at everything we do from a different angle. “How old have I been? What have I already had by this moment? And is it a lot or a little? And life goes the way I want? These questions sometimes provoke rather sad answers,” the expert believes.
"Beautiful" figure does not mean that life will change instantly and rapidly. Two days before the thirtieth, you are likely to be the same person as three days after
It is convenient to take any "big" dates as a starting point - and, accordingly, as an invisible deadline. Experts note that this happens, for example, Happy New Year: when by the end of December or the beginning of January we understand that we could not achieve our goals, for example, we didn’t start to go in for sports regularly, we didn’t receive a long-awaited promotion or new relationships. This time can be especially difficult.
According to the University of California, the excitement about the anniversary begins one year before the round date: people whose age ends in nine (twenty-nine, thirty-nine, and so on) are more likely to try to rethink their lives or change it - for example, they do more sports or begin to change regular partners. And although the methodology and results of the study cast doubt, it’s easy to imagine the excitement that a person feels on the eve of a thirtieth or fortieth anniversary, it is enough to recall the expectations that society associates with the onset of the next ten. Those who have not yet reached the desired career heights (or whose career does not fit into the standard framework at all) did not have time (or do not want) to have a child or do not meet any other stereotypes of success, a round date can only add doubts about the correctness of the chosen path. and myself.
Moreover, a “beautiful” figure does not mean that life will change instantly and rapidly. Two days before the thirtieth anniversary, you will most likely be the same person as three days after him - unless there will be another celebration. Is it your business to put any expectations at all on the numbers: if you want to set a deadline or live in anticipation of a big holiday - why not? The main thing to remember is that the numbers should not become an instrument of pressure and prevent you from celebrating your birthday as you want - even alone with your favorite movie, at least in a huge company, at least in another country.
Photo: Zamurovic - stock.adobe.com, Timmary - stock.adobe.com, Liza - stock.adobe.com
