"I am a worthless mother": Women about the first months after giving birth
Almost any young mother ever heard the phrase "After three months it will be easier" - it sounds when you complain of lack of sleep, fatigue, fears, the lack of a varied diet, the feeling of deja vu. For some moms, this number is becoming a real foothold. On condition of anonymity, we talked with three women about the difficulties they encountered during the first time after giving birth and how their lives differed from beautiful photos from instagram.
I even have nothing to catch on - the first three months have merged with me into one stream of pumpings, advice, attempts to deal with health. Sofia is my first child, and I knew little about the difficulties: they gave applied information to the courses, I did not hear about psychological preparation. Before the birth I read stories about difficulties and sleepless nights, but they were written with humor and were easily perceived. Therefore, I did not expect it to be so hard.
The first month my daughter slept very badly. We did not have breastfeeding: she didn’t actually take the breast, and I was decanting every hour — day and night. Just fall asleep, but I have to get up again. Forces were no matter what. It became difficult for me to fall asleep: I read that this is a sleep deprivation. Now I sleep a little longer: for example, yesterday we went to bed at 10:30 pm, and we got up at five in the morning, plus at night I went upstairs to sit down, half an hour each. And this is a good night, I even slept. Somehow in the first month I cooked zucchini and burned it because I just forgot about lack of sleep. Then she wrote in "Helping tired mothers" (St. Petersburg charity project whose volunteers help mothers with children. - Ed.), they came to me, took my daughter for a walk on the street, and I slept for three hours. It was such a happiness!
In addition, I was not ready for the problems with the child's health - I had called the ambulance two times already, because I simply did not know what to do. We once went to the hospital - now I understand that it was possible to figure it out at home. The difficulty is that every time you have to make a decision quickly, there are many of these decisions, and they are all new. You bear tremendous responsibility for the life and health of another person.
I have never faced so much pressure and advice from grandmothers, grandfathers, and girlfriends in my whole life (giving birth, not giving birth - no matter). Some say - "decant", others - "not necessary", "the pacifier in no case" - "give the pacifier to the child", "put on warmly" - "do not wrap up". You listen to these opposite tips and start losing support within yourself. Nobody sees a mother as an authority: you are a little girl who has not yet formed as a mother, and you need to be taught.
I have always been a reserved person, and here I began to get hysterical, attacks of aggression. This is hard to admit, but at first I screamed at the child. Then she realized that it was wrong, and began to shout at loved ones. My behavior was inadequate. This aggression was from despair, fatigue, from feelings of guilt. I began to drink natural sedatives, and it became a little better.
Even before social networks, I had in my head such an image of a family with children: pampered kids, mother - well-groomed, elegant, with a haircut. The perfect picture. Everything turned out differently for me: I still can not dye my hair, I have a ponytail on my head, sometimes I don’t even know what I’m wearing. Then these "ideal" mothers always come out into the world, travel. True, we also started, but it was a trip to the grandparents, not to Europe.
We do not have a car, a taxi with a child seat will not wait. I went to the subway with a stroller and I can say that the city (Petersburg. - Ed.) not adapted for this. I am horrified that there are stairs everywhere, and ramps, if there is one, then with such a slope that there is not enough power to drag this carriage there - it is good that sympathetic people help. I dress too, not as beautiful as in the pictures: sneakers and jeans. Now my daughter has stopped sleeping for a long time in a wheelchair, and I have to take her in my arms. And so I go - all sweaty, in one hand I hold my daughter, in the other - a stroller. So I do not know when I will become as an image from social networks.
The fact that not everyone is just the first time after birth, you need to talk and write. Because when you see these wonderful pictures, you feel inadequate. I already had a difficult condition, and the thought that I was one worthless mother, I was even more oppressed. When I started throwing links to groups where I saw other stories of motherhood, I realized that I was not the only one - there were a million of us.
Recently read an article about postpartum depression. It said that there are groups abroad where mothers can get support. We all pretend that everything is fine, motherhood is sacred, knew what was going on and so forth. Although in reality it is impossible to know in advance. With this attitude, I also encountered - they say, you are not the first, not you are the last. All suffer, and you are furious with fat. Therefore, it is even scary to admit that you have such a state.
After the birth, it was the physical exertion that hampered me. We were transferred to the hospital after the maternity hospital (twins were born prematurely. - Approx. Ed.), the children were weak, so they had to be fed from a bottle. The first time I decanted about forty minutes, because there was little milk. You cuddle, then you convulsively feed both children, you change clothes, you give medicine. The interval between feedings is three hours, in forty minutes it is necessary to begin to decant. An hour and a half to sleep. You reach the ward, sleep a little and get up.
So funny: the visiting nurse came and said that she needed to sleep and eat more. But how to do this, explain to me? How to sleep if you need to feed every three hours? At some point I became physically ill, a panic began - there’s no end in sight. I remember, it still seemed to me then: everything, personal life is over, there is no way to retire, it is not clear that with sex - at what moment do they engage? I realized that I was in a terrible condition, and I hired a night nurse. And when I first slept for ten hours, I stopped seeing what was happening as a tragedy.
We were separated from the children after their birth: both me and they were sent to intensive care. It makes no sense to reproach myself for this, happened and happened. But there are people who catalyze your personal doubts. My friend was also doing a caesarean, and, in her view, her daughter somehow did not come into the world. I say: "So what? We will throw her away. Will you give birth to a new child who will" come "like that?"
In general, our society is a master of cultivating feelings of guilt. No matter how much you do, how much you invest - a little, you are a bad mother. I do not know who set this highest bar. Why is it in our consciousness that we have to be perfect mothers? I immediately put on my jester's cap: "We have a light showcase here, we don’t build heroes from ourselves, and so everything is fine." But it takes effort. It is terrible how many people, even relatives, say: "We suffered, we raised our children in labor, and you suffer." Propaganda torment.
I recently read an article: a girl writes that a child screamed at her in an airplane - everyone makes a wry face, the plane is late. And she says: "So you don’t come, do not offer help?" Because in fact it is very difficult. All that a person needs is help, support, someone's experience. Anyone who unloads you for half an hour, will give you the opportunity at least in the shower to stand a little more than usual. So if we talk about advice, it seems to me, you cannot be alone. I am very sympathetic to single mothers. I still have more opportunities than the average citizen: I was not very constrained by the means, although a lot of money is spent on children.
Children are a part of life, just at the moment of their appearance they tend to occupy almost their entire life, and you need to somehow build boundaries artificially. Parents often put pressure on young couples: "Do you get married when you have children?" And people still do not understand what it is. Go visit those who have children, and awaken the day there.
I am a very active person, I play sports, so I suffered during pregnancy. I remember how, after giving birth, when I woke up, I lay down on my stomach and looked out the window. This is January, it was raining the day before, and then the sun, frost hit. I thought: "Hurray, now I will go skiing!" And then I translate a glance at Kostya and I understand everything.
The problems started already in the hospital: it was necessary to learn how to feed, swaddle, hold, put on a diaper - I was not taught this in the courses, and I thought that everything would work out by itself. But the worst was with feeding. My nipples were pulled in, and Kostya, since he was born prematurely, was of small weight. Everyone around me began to shout to me about the importance of breastfeeding, that it was impossible to give the mixture. I then had the constant feeling that my child is dying, and I contribute to this - even a little bit, and will bring him to the grave. It seemed to me that all my manipulations hurt him. My husband was also worried. I came home from work, asked: "Well, did you put on weight?" - "Yes, I think I added." Weigh Kostya - not added.
I spent three to four hours with a child on my chest. In the first month he didn’t gain weight, and I began to use mixed feeding, but then I transferred my son completely to breast milk. I understood that I myself was grown on artificial mixtures, my husband too, but at that time everyone said that breastfeeding is very important, and I thought that I would fight to the last. I practically did not get up from bed: my husband brought tea with milk or condensed milk, and as soon as I drank it, I carried the next mug.
Since Kostya was born a month ahead of time, we did not have time to finish the repairs in the apartment. I did not have a kitchen at all, a stove too - only a kettle. I brewed a porridge on the water and drank tea. Instead of gaining weight, I lost 10 pounds after giving birth. Kostya was restless, so I still did not sleep. My whole body was bruised, because from lack of sleep I “collected” all the corners in the apartment. Plus, the husband was constantly working, and I was alone. He had an irregular work schedule - he could leave at nine in the morning, and came at six in the morning of the next day. But it was such a happiness when he came - he could transfer a little responsibility.
I was told that after three months it would be easier, and I had a special piece of paper on which I crossed out the days - it was preserved. I was visited by suicidal thoughts: from time to time I imagined that it was now easier for me to go to the balcony and fly down. You do have to think about the child all the time, you forget about yourself, and nobody has canceled physical exhaustion - it directly affects the psychological state. I admit that to some extent was on the verge. Then an adult colleague helped me. We talked on the phone, and I said: "It seems to me that I am not doing something, I am killing my son. How can I feed him?" She said: "Kate, calm down, not a single baby has died of exhaustion." I really remember this phrase.
But most importantly - the parents helped. Every day we called up Skype (they live in another country). At one of these conversations, my brother’s wife was present. I tell what is happening to me, and she says: "Are you out of your mind? Do you eat only porridge? Is there anything sweet?" - "Yes, only Maria cookies. Apple peeled, bananas are impossible - it is dangerous." She said: "So, calm down - everything is possible for you, I have a healthy child. I don’t have anything like that in Israel: now go to the store, buy what you want and eat it." After this conversation, I went and bought myself a marshmallow. That evening, friends came to us - I just sipped wine, burst into tears. I then sobbed all the time.
When I started eating, I began to think. Then I raked the apartment, made myself a nest. In fact, it became easier not after three, but after four months: Kostya continued to sleep poorly, but we got used to each other - I began to understand him, to understand emotions, breastfeeding was adjusted. I put the child in the sling, started to travel with him, do something around the house. From the age of three months, I started running with a stroller.
When young mothers call me now and timidly ask: "What did you do in such a case?" - I immediately answer: "Calm down, you're not the only one! It's all right." I also had a feeling that all the other mothers are happy, and I alone lose my mind. For me it is still a mystery whether everyone is going through the first months like this. Most likely, it happens in those who give birth to firstborn and who do not have much support. If there is a mom, dad, nanny, money, then I think you could get rid of these problems.
Now those first months are like a dream to me. Of course, they are not a reason to not have a child. You just need to prepare yourself in advance that at first it will not be easy to negotiate with your relatives so that they help you as much as possible, because you will not be able to soberly evaluate certain things.
Photo: niradj - stock.adobe.com