How life changes on maternity leave: Young mothers about personal experience

The life of young parents with the advent of the child changes dramatically: they have to manage their time in accordance with the interests and needs of the newborn. We asked several young mothers living in Russia, Europe and the United States about how the rhythm of their lives changed with the appearance of the child, whether they manage to find time for themselves and their passions on maternity leave, how they manage their free time and whether the environment is adapted to their needs.

My daughter's name is Maria, she is soon 10 months old. My decree will soon be the year, and this time is over - in May I return to work. I’m responsible for PR at Unilever.

All children are different, and I got a little girl with character who knows what she wants, but she wants to always be with me, which is logical for a child. Therefore, from the moment of the Machine Birth, my whole life is subject to its rhythms. Masha usually accompanies all my classes - she turns around on her feet on a yoga mat, jerks me at my shoelaces cheerfully, demands to try my porridge, laughs at the sounds of the shower being turned on. When she falls asleep for the night, I have two and a half hours - three of my personal time: make dinner, watch a movie, do something else, put down my heart, finally.

I am very happy that the whole pregnancy non-stop went to concerts, to the opera, to the exhibitions - now these memories keep me afloat. However, I was at the notorious exhibition of Serov, not losing hope to get to Cranach. I leave Masha on weekdays with my mother, and on weekends my husband gives me leave. During these hours I begin to move around the city, like a chicken with a severed head - I am trying to have time to do a billion things at the same time.

I certainly experienced a feeling of isolation, especially against the background of the fact that I spent the first four months of the Mach Infancy with her outside the city, holding my daughter in my arms during all the daytime dreams - and there are about six of them in infants. All this time I watched a movie, read books, news, facebook. Plus, I enrolled in the distance course litschool.pro - Creative Writing School - and I soon pass my diploma work there.

The birth of a child absolutely destroyed in my previously very selfishly constructed life any notion of personal space. It is also very difficult because it makes you look at your life critically. A lot of need disappears, people leave your social circle, you change yourself, even if you don’t want that at all. This is a painful process, but at some point you realize that your dying has ended for some time, and now you are hatching from an egg, like a phoenix. I look better than ever in life. I am learning something again after a long break. I mainly feel absolutely omnipotent and invincible at times - no self-development (I don’t love this word!) Would not give me that feeling. For this, I thank my daughter daily.

Our daughter's name is Radoslav, she is soon 1.5 years old. Before leaving the decree, I was in charge of the PR department at the online agency AGIMA. It seems to me that I did not even look in the mirror until my daughter's 7 months. For the first six months of a child’s life, you are a single organism, and it functions according to its rules. We decided that it would be better to pass this period by the ocean, and drove off to Sri Lanka for almost six months. Rada came to Russia strong, healthy, tanned and completely unaccustomed to the wheelchair: in Sri Lanka, she was without us, and in Russia it is a necessity. In general, we brought a jungle child to Moscow, and it took another two months to slowly get used to the stroller, car seat and be able to go somewhere together. After a year, everything becomes much simpler, and even though we don’t have a number of grandmothers and nannies, now my husband will always help out when I need to go shopping, have a haircut or meet friends.

I began to think about work closer to my daughter’s year when Rada learned to walk. Now I am in the status of a PR consultant; work does not allow me to relax and dive into the "Groundhog Day". It’s possible to work an average of three, sometimes four hours a day. Of course, there are situations when a conference call is appointed and it is on this day that the daughter, according to the law of meanness, refuses to sleep. Once it was very funny when the question was raised at the meeting: "And who will be responsible for this task?" Rada runs up and shouts loudly: "Mom!" Thank you colleagues for your understanding.

I will not say that I am experiencing an acute shortage of children's activities - we have them planned for the week ahead. For example, at the weekend we have a tradition - a walk in the park Troparyovo-Nikulino. And we go with the whole family to the pool from our three-month-old daughters.

Everyone for himself defines the boundaries of what is permitted. Someone considers it normal to hire a nanny, and someone categorically does not accept this. I think there are those whose life has absolutely not changed. My life has not just changed - it is full. And the child played a major role in this.

Before the birth of a child, I was a project manager at the Journey Agency. Then my husband and I decided to fly to California so that I could give birth there, and stayed unplanned here. Therefore, my leave to care for a child was a little longer. In Moscow, I think, I would quickly return to work, but I started working here when my son was about a year old, but this was connected, rather, with documents. Although the first attempts to go to work were about when he was 10 months old, and then I could not morally decide to leave him. Now Styopa year and three months.

Los Angeles is 100% kids friendly city: you can go anywhere with your child, everyone will smile at him and talk to him, and if he is hysterical, he will be reassured and touched, and no one will ever shy. You can breastfeed anywhere, and no one will pay attention. We go to museums and galleries together. Step, by the way, loves parties and feels quite comfortable among people.

I work about 5 days a week for 6-7 hours. After work I spend all the time with Step, the weekend, of course, also. I can not say that there is time for myself, especially for hobbies and self-development: I would really like to read, watch and study more, but so far I have to prefer this dream. Before I started working, I spent with my son 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In general, everything was cool: California, good weather, but when there was work and independent time, I realized how much I missed it and how glad I was to return to normal life.

I did not have to give up any hobbies, and unfortunately, no new ones appeared. Some people are lucky, and their children sleep two or three hours a day, during which some mothers have time to read or take online courses, some not so much, and the child sleeps for half an hour just lying on you. All children are different.

Of course, there is isolation, especially if you are used to leading an active and social lifestyle. The child changes everything, especially in the first year. Further it is simpler: kindergarten, nanny, school - gradually, to one degree or another, you return to normal life. Probably, it is important to make it clear to your friends that you are still cool, but now you just have less time, sometimes ask for help. It is important to have personal time: let you spend it on a seat on a bench (but you will be alone with your thoughts) or go to the cinema, it does not matter. I remember this strange feeling when you take out the garbage and suddenly stay five minutes alone. It is probably difficult to imagine, but staying 24/7 with a child is really not easy.

My daughter Sasha is 1 year and 1 month old. I decided to use the first two months of the decree (before the appearance of Sasha) with maximum benefit. I went to daytime sessions in the cinema, to the theater, to exhibitions, concerts, lectures, wandered aimlessly around the city, met with friends, read and, of course, slept to the heels. Magic was the time. And then Sasha was born. Before pregnancy, the decree seemed so fabulous when, with one hand, I would swing the cradle with a sweet-wheezing baby, and the second would scribble my dissertation, paint with oil and comprehend the art of macrame. Everything turned out a little different.

If you want to learn how to plan your time, ask advice from a woman who is alone with a baby all day long. I was lucky: Sasha is a calm child, she can entertain herself for a while, but for the first six months I did not consciously look for any underworking. She walked with a stroller in the park, listened to audiobooks and podcasts, while Sasha basked under the summer sun. Now I am glad of any careless work you can do while Sasha is sleeping. I would like to say that I’m working just to be distracted, but the main question is money: income has halved, and spending has increased in about the same amount.

What am I missing? I think, like everyone else: communication (before going on maternity leave, I worked as a brand manager at Elena Shubina’s Editors, I was surrounded by smart and interesting interviewees), money and the opportunity to break somewhere at any moment. Shortly before the birth of the child, we moved to the Moscow region. I don’t drive a car, it’s hard for me to get out of the area with a small child. Museums, exhibitions, theaters, meetings with friends - everything is available, yes. But it is necessary to plan for the week: to negotiate with the parents so that they stay with Sasha, and if they cannot - think over where to feed and change the child to tune in to his regime.

I get annoyed by the expression "active mommies" (are there inactive ones? Is it possible at all?) And the everywhere broadcast idea that, being on maternity leave, every modern girl should have time to organize a small startups, open a cake production shop to order, in case of emergency - start a beauty blog. If you fight for the rights of women, then those who want to simply raise a child on maternity leave.

Accommodation in Mytishchi more accessible than in Moscow, which explains the crowd of moms with strollers. Demand creates supply: there is a playground in almost every yard, a huge number of development centers for children, there is a place to wander in silence with a pram, an excellent park. But for moms, the choice is sparse: an art gallery (where a great exhibition of book graphics was recently held) and a library (but there is despondency: events like "Pushkin's Melody Path" and "I Love You, My Edge of the Land"). It seems to me that in vain these institutions miss such a grateful audience, like mothers with children under two years old. My parents live in the center of Moscow, the situation is the opposite: there are many interesting things for moms within walking distance, but I have to walk with my child along the roadway.

Sometimes you look at your friend and feel sad: life around is in full swing. At such moments, I remind myself that the decree is not an easy but wonderful time, which will soon end. Whether you're stuck in a routine or not is a matter of your desire and self-discipline. But for the first time I have no doubt that what I am doing is needed by someone.

Before pregnancy, I worked in Moscow as an editor of an English-language website and a little in Scotland at a language school. I have one child, Alexandra girl, in May she will be two years old. On maternity leave, I am a little over two years old.

Usually, the first part of the day with a child makes it harder for me, because I still want to sleep, be lazy, sit at the computer, so sometimes I have to force myself a little. If I am completely unbearable or if I am ill, I can turn on cartoons, I do not have strict principles. Then comes the time of the children's daytime sleep, which lasts an average of two hours, sometimes three. At this time I usually read or watch something, if you're lucky, useful, but sometimes the series. The last few months at this time I have been learning French, sometimes I take some courses on E-Learning.

I do not work. Partly because I live now in the small English city of Lincoln, in which it is difficult to find more or less interesting work, with a floating schedule - it is almost impossible, but I don’t want an uninteresting one, and most of my salary would go to kindergarten. In part, it seems that my daughter is still young, and if there is no urgent need to go to work, I would rather stay at home.

In Lincoln, the cultural life is not very, but sometimes I go to three and a half local museums and galleries. I have not been to the theater for a long time, and I really regret it. Almost always and everywhere I go with the child, from time to time I go for a walk alone, when my husband is with my daughter. Sometimes his parents, who live in a nearby town, take the baby away, and the two of us go to dinner or to the cinema; it happens every few months. But I don’t have enough, perhaps, single walks, just to go for coffee and read a book in silence, or God forgive me, go buy a dress for myself.

In Moscow, I lived only the first five months after the birth of a child, and then my leisure time was basically to drink coffee with my girlfriends in the center or sit with a pram and a book in the park. After that, we lived in Edinburgh for almost a year, and there, as in many large cities in Britain, weekly special sessions were held in cinemas, where you can go with children up to a year. In this case, films are not children's, but ordinary ones, and new ones, and old ones, and for much less money than usual sessions. In Edinburgh and Lincoln, we went to libraries, where children from birth to about four years old each week read a small story for an hour, sing songs, recite poems, and in the end give something to make. This is convenient: children come to play and listen to the book, and mothers can chat. This "children's day" in libraries is almost everywhere in Britain and it seems to me a very good idea, because it is for the very young.

Apart from the absence of Moscow friends and get-togethers with them, I cannot recall anything that I would have had to give up, but this is the result of moving rather than leaving the decree. Sometimes, of course, it finds melancholy that it is impossible to suddenly take and go to a bar or a movie in the middle of the night. But then I catch myself thinking that I did this very rarely before, that is, I miss not the freedom of movement itself, but the knowledge that I can go somewhere and do something. Actually, I really managed to use the time of the decree both for self-development, and for rest, and for traveling (especially for traveling!): I finally started to learn French, which I dreamed of for years, but there was no possibility; I watched films that I used to spend time on, but which were worth it; I traveled with my family to wherever it might otherwise have arrived, both in Britain and abroad.

I am a philologist and a teacher of foreign languages. Before my child was born, I worked for several years in the wonderful Moscow office of the Lingvoland studio and also worked under a contract at the School of Philology at the Higher School of Economics. I came out on maternity leave on the seventh month of pregnancy, and it seems that now my daughter is nine months old.

Now the baby has quite a mode, and the day is much easier to build than three months ago. It’s quite fortunate that a lot of things that I like to do in general, like listening to music or reading children's books, can be perfectly done with a child (although I also read her adult books more than once). I earn money: I translate and sometimes write articles, and gradually I am engaged in academic activities. It takes from half an hour to two or three hours a day, depending on many factors. I often write letters or work when the baby is playing or sleeping.

I am very lucky that my daughter’s grandparents live close and are always happy to be with the child - this is a huge help. I get to visit friends from time to time, sometimes to the cinema, I also visited the theater once. With a child, we walk perfectly in places with food, in parks. I would also go through the galleries, but most of them are quite far away - I do not drive yet, but I didn’t feel like going by public transport in the winter and early spring. Well, not everywhere are allowed with children, which is sad.

It seems to me that at the moment there are two main problems that I see constantly and that would be fair for the whole of Moscow: firstly, it is very difficult to travel with children in a wheelchair in public transport. Secondly, Moscow is a metropolis, a city in which everyone is in a hurry, everyone is tense, so when children too much catch the eye, not everyone likes it. Moms often have a feeling of shame, and then they either just get upset, or try to keep themselves in public places as quietly as possible so as not to embarrass anyone, or, on the contrary, go to the other extreme - they just stop paying attention to others and their needs. Everything is very individual, but there is no common culture of communication between adults and mothers and babies.

Of course, I would like all museums to be calm towards visitors with children, so that there are more children's rooms and corners of the mother and child, for example, in libraries. And any physical activity for moms with babies in the summer months, I would be happy - something like yoga or gymnastics in the park. And there is still a nationwide problem with a focus in Moscow - this is that the city is primarily mental (in terms of infrastructure, too, but even this is secondary) does not want to accept children with special needs. For nine months of daily walks with a baby and at least three more months of daily walks before her birth, I saw a mother or two with a child with Down syndrome and a couple of times the same mother with a child with cerebral palsy. That is, I’m offended if they didn’t see me or my child in a cafe, and on my street there are people with children with whom they don’t even go to the playground. Это ситуация страшная и стыдная.

Конечно, у меня появлялось чувство, что мои знания и умения с каждым днём уменьшаются и когда я выйду из отпуска, я просто окончательно разучусь всё делать. Мне везёт в том, что часть моих увлечений прекрасно совмещается с домашней жизнью, просто не очень совмещается со сном. Понятно, что когда ребёнок засыпает, это время ты хочешь потратить на всё и сразу, поэтому спать ложишься, как правило, гораздо позже, чем стоило бы. Ну и я решила, что идеально убранный дом для меня менее важен, чем возможность делать то, что мне действительно важно: я убираюсь, но без фанатизма. Thanks to my friends, I don’t have the feeling that I’ve dropped out of public life. Yes, it was less, but I was ready for it.

I had to abandon painting and other things, but I understood perfectly well that this was a completely normal stage and I did not feel defective or impaired. It seems to me that it is impossible not to engage in self-development when you live with a child, simply because you are opening up to yourself from the new side, and the world to you too.

In September 2015, I gave birth to a daughter, Alina. This is my first child, now she is almost 7 months old. Before taking maternity leave, I worked for five years at Strelka Institute as an executive producer and curator of the summer program.

With the birth of my daughter, my schedule has changed quite a lot. Now, on successful days, we get up with her at about eight, at less successful ones - at 6:30 (previously, the work schedule allowed us to get up at about nine). On very good days in the morning, for an hour or two, my husband, Petya, takes my child and I can sleep a little longer. In the evening I lay down Alina in the region of 9-10 pm, and here there is time for personal affairs and rest - out of old habit, as a rule, I do not go to bed before one o'clock in the morning. At this time I can cook something, calmly watch the series or read a little. I also go to a driving school now, so in the evening, as a rule, I teach traffic tickets. Once a week, on Tuesdays in the evening, the husband is left with the child, and I run volleyball - it takes off the tension alone in a week alone with the baby. I somehow did not work out with a side job, although it’s terribly unusual for me, an avid workaholic, to sit without work at home.

Honestly, for seven months, neither I nor my husband were with a child in museums and theaters: we live far enough away from the center, so it’s problematic to travel with a child to a museum on weekdays, and a lot of things accumulate by the weekend. But on the other hand, I went to the Zemfira concert quite recently, while my husband heroically kept up the defense at home with the baby. We live in Yuzhniy Medvedkov, and here with a normal leisure time not very good, even decent cafes are not within walking distance. One can only go to the cinema (but without a small child) or go to the park (but for mom, the park is rather part of the daily routine, albeit a pleasant one with the onset of spring). It would be great, of course, to be able to spend more time with the child.

If you are lucky with the health and nervous system of the child (like me), then the time for self-development is quite enough, especially since it is now full of all sorts of online resources, there would be a desire. But his place from a young mother often occupy a more prosaic desire, for example, sleep. As for isolation from cultural and social life, yes, this is usually a problem. My friends mostly continue to work in the mode that I had before the decree, before 9-10 pm no one is released, and after 10 pm I can not get anywhere. The museums of Moscow are also mainly concentrated in the center, and it’s not so easy for a mother with a small child from the suburbs to reach them without harming the child and his regime. In general, I stopped worrying about social isolation quickly enough: I miss friends and work, of course, but I understand that all this will soon return to my life, and Alinka will not be so small and funny. Everything has its time.

My husband and I have three children: the eldest daughter Daria is five and a half years old, the middle daughter is Svetlana, she is almost three years old, and the youngest son is Daniel, he is 15 months old. I have been on child care leave since the birth of our first daughter, since 2010. For my husband and I, it was important to pay special attention to the first years of life, this unique time when the child lays the foundations of his personality, values, trust and love for the world, self-confidence. And the basics of the language: for me, as for a Russian mother living in France, it is very important that the Russian language be native, and not foreign.

From the moment of the birth of my first daughter I worked a little, now I am mastering the profession of nanny The side job now takes 8 hours 4 days a week. I laugh, answering the question of whether it is possible to find time for yourself. I remember the last trip to the beauty salon to adjust the eyebrows: we squeezed into a narrow office with a double stroller, and my three children watched the process with interest. Time has to be cut out or optimized: during a quiet hour, run to the hairdresser, read a book, if you don’t tend to sleep, and when there is silence in the evening and everyone is asleep, you can soak in a hot bath, watch a movie, have a romantic dinner with your husband. The grandmother, who can be trusted with all the children at the same time, rescues - to go with her husband to a dance lesson, drink coffee with a friend, go shopping alone, not running after children playing hide and seek in dressing rooms.

In priority, we still have fun for children. For example, now school holidays, and I answer questions in the car - we are going to Disneyland in Paris. We try to travel to our region - Alsace, several times a year to go to the sea, to the mountains, once a year to Russia. We spend more time in the holidays and, if we find ourselves in a new place, make the most of it for new impressions. We adapt trips to the age of children: the older one really likes, for example, watching ballet broadcasts from the Bolshoi Theater in the cinema. Together with my husband, we regularly go to the cinema and periodically to musical performances.

Our small town is not particularly adapted for children. Our advantage is nature: the town is surrounded by vineyards and mountains, where you can walk in the fresh air. City Hall great organizes children's entertainment during school holidays, offering classes for different ages. To maintain Russian culture, we organized a Russian club, where in a creative atmosphere, with the support of a professional teacher, classes on speech development are held.

Of course, when you become a mother, life changes dramatically: after an egocentric life with questions "who are you?", "How?", "Where?" responsibility arises for another life or life. And your life becomes a “service,” in some periods, a “sacrifice” of yourself. A constantly cooled cup of tea awaits you in the kitchen, you are surprised at the ability not to sleep at night and do dozens of things at the same time, you dream of a free pair of hands and an all-inclusive vacation. This is a job without weekends and holidays, where you carry the boss on your hands, and the salary is given in the form of hugs and kisses. And it is very difficult and amazing at the same time. When, having understood your physical and moral limits, you grow, realizing this huge mission - education of a person. Refusing free time, freedom to dispose of yourself, work that brought you pleasure, good sleep, losing patience and the idea that you are perfect, you acquire all-consuming love multiplied by the number of your children and an endless sense of pride.

Photo: 1, 2, 3, 4 via Shutterstock

Watch the video: My Unplanned Pregnancy, Single Mom Stigma, and more! (May 2024).