If no longer along the way: How to part with friends
Friendly relations are no less important than love ones. Of course, they are built differently, but friends are social support, this is our environment. They meet our interests and values: we usually choose friends with similar views, we like the same things and we want to spend time in the same way. Friendships of our autobiographical memory are also on friendly terms: friends often stay at school, institute, first jobs - these are people who remember us as young or even very children, and as we say goodbye to them, we seem to say goodbye to a part of the past.
Understand that you also have to part with friends.
Why not keep a good relationship all your life, why break up with friends? In general, when relationships can be maintained without prejudice to oneself, it’s not a question of breaking friendship ties. The question is relevant only when the bond breaks down or becomes toxic. Toxic relationships damage our self-esteem, good sense of self, or even health. A simple example: every time you meet with a friend or company, you drink an extra cocktail or two, or even a bottle - even if you don’t want to and did not intend to. In other companies, this does not happen - it is this person or group of people who influences you in such a way that it becomes difficult to resist an additional glass.
Or you find that every time you see a friend, you feel upset or angry, although you seem to be waiting for this meeting. When you try to understand what is happening, you remember one unpleasant moment after another: your boyfriend was degraded here (“I don’t want to say anything bad, but let's be honest, he’s not handsome”), and here your achievements (“Raised wages by ten thousand - is that a raise? "). Or a friend / girlfriend often makes caustic remarks, and in response to your long face assures that this is “just a joke”. In general, the toxic relationship in friendship is not much different from the toxic relationship in a couple, except that in friendship there are fewer opportunities for financial control and there is no sexual component.
When the "diverge ways", it would seem, to accept that the friendship is over, and it should be easier to move away. But not all: some people have been keeping in touch for years because of sentimental considerations or the notion that a “good” person never leaves friends. If you meet once every six months or a year and you feel good, everything is in order. But if you leave the guests with an unpleasant feeling “What was it?”, If communication leaves you with unpleasant, painful feelings or suggests that you are just wasting time, it means that the connection has outlived itself, and it is better to stop it. Usually in this case it is easy to distance oneself: the outdated friendship fades away by itself. But it happens that we feel guilty, begin to regret the loss or try to regain the lost community. It is important to understand that friendships, like any other, can transform and die. Therefore, at some point it is better to recognize this fact and gradually stop meeting - otherwise you will commit violence against yourself every time, agreeing to unpleasant and uninteresting communication.
Think whether to give a second chance
When should you think about the second chance and postpone the break of friendships? In general, when you are unhappy with how a friend or friend behaves in certain situations, but you never tried to talk directly about it, but expressed dissatisfaction indirectly: getting annoyed, canceling subsequent meetings or something else. Perhaps in this case it is worth trying to talk at least once, especially if friendships are long and valuable to you. When we express dissatisfaction indirectly, it is not always noticeable and effective - but an honest conversation can not only correct an uncomfortable situation, but also take the relationship to a new, closer and sincere level.
Another difficult and painful situation - if your friend has done something that is at odds with your values. For example, if a girlfriend started a love affair with a married man, but for you this is a sore subject, because once you have experienced adultery; or you and your friends differ greatly in political views and the assessment of some events. It can be difficult to accept, but sometimes it also deserves a sincere conversation. If it is possible to discuss the motives and reasons for the action, it sometimes helps to understand a friend’s views on the situation and try to take his side. Friendship does not imply that people will be completely the same - perhaps it will be possible to maintain contact even despite all the differences in views. If not, such a conversation will help put an end and understand that with this person you are not on the way.
And in what cases it is useless to think about the "second chances"? For example, when the conversation has already taken place, but a friend or friend continues to do something unpleasant or inconvenient for you: to be late, tell, give assessments and advice without asking, and so on. It also happens that the conversation is generally useless and it is better to chop off the bullet: when a person does something dangerous, puts his life, health or well-being at risk. For example, you have learned that a friend beats his wife or partner, has deceived you in financial or some other significant issues. This is the case when there is nothing better to hope for and to remove a dangerous person from the environment.
Another controversial question - how to deal with those who constantly brings small things. Suppose you are a wonderful person and are friends with him, but he regularly behaves unreliably in some kind of common affairs: he is late, does not contribute his share of money to common projects, at the last moment refuses planned activities where you counted on him and so on. You can try not to conduct common affairs with such a friend or girlfriend, but remain in friendly relations - if the format of communication implies anything at all. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case: unreliable people are usually unreliable in everything.
Decide if you need a “last talk”
The general answer is this: unlike a love relationship, a conversation is needed more likely if you are counting on some changes and want to give the friendship another chance. Otherwise, the meaning of what you are doing will diverge from what you say: you want to stop communicating, but you continue it on your own initiative.
In any case, the question remains how to inform about the termination of friendship and whether it should be done. With more distant friends and good acquaintances, there is always an option to postpone a meeting under plausible excuses and report that you are busy. This is an acceptable and more socially benign option that leaves you room for maneuver - for example, you can appear in some companies and not feel uncomfortable.
If a former boyfriend or girlfriend is very persistent, it is sometimes necessary to “officially” announce the separation: by message, letter or call. You can choose a wording that suits your communication format and describes your thoughts: “Sorry, but I don’t want to see anymore. Our communication hasn’t given me joy lately”, “Forgive me, but recent meetings have been difficult and unpleasant for me. Let's do it for now break". This usually removes all questions and allows you to stop communicating once and for all - but here there are more negative social consequences. Mutual friends may find that you are acting too harshly and take the other side. Sometimes it is necessary, as in divorce, to “share” common holidays and parties, so as not to collide with each other. Again, this option closes the opportunity to resume communication.
There is also the sharpest method - just to ban a person everywhere. This is suitable when the acquaintance was not very close and not the most pleasant, but the person who wants to see you is extremely intrusive. Or when a friend does something that you think is completely beyond the norm, and you no longer see the reason for discussing it.
Which option to choose is up to you. It is important that you have a range of ways to distance oneself or stop contact, and most importantly, the feeling that you are entitled to do so.
Take care of your feelings
Before you send that latest message or decide that you don’t want to see your friend or friend again, it’s good to think about it. Usually our emotions make the decision for us: it becomes unpleasant to see oneself, we feel irritated and not joyful before the meeting, we feel emotional injections during conversations. It is important to agree with yourself: remember how you communicated with a friend or girlfriend, understand what was wrong, and decide to put an end.
You can live parting with a friend or girlfriend for a long time. This is an emotionally significant relationship. There is no need to persuade yourself to "forget and move on" - in general, the recommendations here are the same as in the case of a divorce or a break of romantic relationships. Sadness, anger, pain, annoyance, and maybe wine - the usual range of experiences. You can afford to review common photos, listen to "your" songs and mourn, maybe even cry. It is useful to write a letter to your former friend describing your feelings, memories and moments lived together. You do not need to send it - this is not a message, but a psychological technique that allows you to live through complex feelings and complete the relationship internally.
Photo: 100 Toys, Aliexpress
