“Today they change with you, and tomorrow you”: Stories of relationships with married people
Most of us expect trust from partners and respect for agreements - but in practice, not everything and not always goes smoothly. Even the strongest, at first glance, couples are not immune from adultery - we have already discussed with heroines what betrayal means to them today, and now we looked at the situation from a different angle and talked to women and a man about how they were in a relationship with married people.
We met at work. I was eighteen, he was thirty-six, and he became my first man. I don’t remember under what circumstances I found out that he was married, but for some reason it didn’t stop me. He did not say that he would leave his wife, and did not promise to marry me - my mistake is that I myself made such conclusions, came up with the perfect picture and believed in her. I remember that he was talking about children - what else would I have to give birth, and now I need to “save the figure” so that it would not “spread out”. I was sure that he was hinting that I would give birth to him.
I was very worried that all the girlfriends met with guys at the weekend. I imagined how he spends time with his wife, and I sit alone, poor and unhappy, but I did not speak frankly with him. We met for three years, about once every two weeks - more often in his home, and very rarely in me, because I lived with my parents. He had a teenage son, and I remember well that our meetings were planned taking into account not only the work schedule of his wife, but also the school of his son. One day my wife returned home earlier. I was in the room and already dressed, but my shoes and bag were in the corridor. She did not go into the room, make trouble, and went to the bathroom to wash her hands. I think she already knew that he was walking to the side. The man escorted me out the door, then ran out himself. We sat in a taxi and said nothing all the way. Of course, now I understand how terrible it all is.
But we didn’t split up because of this, but because of the money. He borrowed from me a thousand dollars to paycheck, and gave him in eight months. At this time, he began to appear less frequently, and I constantly sobbed on weekends, felt sorry for myself. Everything went to parting, but the borrowed money helped me to make a decision. Anger and determination appeared because of them - or maybe I just stopped looking at him through rose-colored glasses. At first he called to talk, then he was just silent and hung up - he controlled whether I was at home. And then it was all over. Later, I learned that he was hooked on slot machines, left some space debts to his wife. By the way, she is a very bright, beautiful, educated woman. And five years after this story, she divorced him.
After that, I sworn to get in touch with married people, since I can be in the place of my wife. But, unfortunately, I haven’t learned how to ask uncomfortable men (especially for myself). After all, I could then ask him about the future, but apparently I was embarrassed because of my age. Even now it is terrible for me to hear what will hurt me, bring me down from heaven to earth, destroy illusions. But I will fight it. It is much more difficult to be disappointed later, when I have already drawn a happy picture and got used to the person.
Almost all my men were strangers. With the first, we got married after a year of playing hide-and-seek with his wife, but after five years, we also divorced. Perhaps, precisely because the first love affair with a married man ended in a formal happy ending, I decided that it would be the same further. But no. One man immediately warned that he would not divorce - and then divorced, but for the sake of another girl. After the divorce, I had three more novels with married people, of different lengths, with different feelings and different combinations, who loved whom more strongly. But since the terms were always the same - I and a married man - and the amount turned out the same: the relationship ended, and well, if without strong emotional trauma. Free men, of course, met me, but were uninteresting.
In a relationship with a married there are always no two important components. First of all, there is no trust: today they are changing with you, and tomorrow - you. Secondly, there is no possibility to plan a joint future - not necessarily long-term, but at least longer than from Monday to Wednesday. By the way, there was no talk of any joint weekends and holidays. How much time we spent together depended solely on the ability of a man to lie. Some could convince their wife that they needed to go on a business trip for a week, others could barely manage to get out for one night a month, while others were embarrassed by sending his wife and children on vacation.
Now such a relationship reminds me of a huge dustbin, in which the dregs are me and someone else's husband. Yes, it is convenient to blame everything on the "bad wife", which does not allow the "good boy" to "walk." Yes, it is convenient to silence the voice of conscience - "I am not guilty, he himself came." But the choice has not been canceled. I could and should have said no, but allowed myself not to do this, each time hiding behind feelings. After several such stories, I realized that I want to be honest and want the same attitude to myself. Just starting to meet with a free man - the first in my life - I understood the buzz of such trifles as calling him when I want to, sharing joint photos, meeting his friends, knowing that he does not delete our correspondence. But the most important thing for me is that these relationships do not harm us or other people.
I am friends with computer graphics and I like to draw, so one day friends asked me to make stickers for the birthday of their acquaintance. And then they asked if I could give him my phone number. During the telephone conversation I didn’t like him at all, even annoyed, so we discussed only stickers. And then they ended up in the same company: I was in tears, he drank. He said that he would break the face of someone who dared to upset me, and promised to protect me. Many like that are very greedy, especially when they cry - I was no exception. We started talking just like friends. I knew he was married. But once we had sex, and somehow everything started spinning for three months.
I did not feel guilty, offended, or deprived. I was comfortable. I liked to be in love with him, but not to have a serious relationship with him. I never thought he would leave the family. It seemed logical to both of us that our story would have a sudden and predictable ending: it has its own life, and the novel is just a nice addition to the summer. Unfortunately, then I fell strongly in love with him - what to do, we are not robots, emotions are not turned off at will. I liked our relationship, I would not want them to end. No need to leave the family, sometimes you can just continue to take me from work.
The history of our relations has always seemed special to me, but later I realized that this was only a pleasant delusion and that most of the girls in such unequal relations are inclined to believe that they have "a completely different situation." We met in June in Greece, where we worked in the same company. Seasonal work at the resort, the family stays in the city - a typical situation. Most Greeks do not wear wedding rings, so their status can be found either by chance, or by asking a direct question. He himself said that he had a wife and children, but that did not bother me - we were just friends, I had a loved one in Russia. Moreover, once I even met his big Greek family during a festive dinner, I liked them.
The stories about how "family walks" in Greece are not acted on me, because "I am not like that and I will never break someone else's family," "I will not meet with a married man," "I will not be in the background." Never say never - this is the best lesson I learned from our relationship. At the end of the summer it became obvious that we were in love. At first, I said it was a bad idea and I had to stop. Then I decided that I would soon go home, the wonderful story would end, but for now I want to be happy at least now, without looking at all the conventions: education, public opinion, guilt.
When I returned home, the relationship with the then partner began to move towards the final. And my Greek friend was always in touch: messages, photos, songs — I lived with the phone in my hands. A month later, he went to work in Germany and bought me tickets to see - it was wonderful. And then I realized how painful it is to exist in a dimension where the whole world can be ours, but only for a certain time. In the New Year and birthday, I was alone. During the winter, we met two more times, and each time I tried to break up.
I broke up with my fiancé and came to Greece again, to go to university. We practically lived together, observing the minimum standards of decency. Then I had a new idea: either I or she. He answered categorically: "She." And although I did not enter the university, he said: "Stay, I will help as much as I can." I stayed, helped - so from my mistress I became a kept woman. But being together was harder than at a distance. On the one hand, the family is always nearby, I always call "at the wrong time", the children get sick. On the other - he came to me for breakfast, lunch and dinner, we went to the supermarket together, went to IKEA, met with mutual friends.
I realized that I need more, the relationship should develop, but here it is impossible. Then I decided to simultaneously look for a new partner. But it turned out that it is understood that our free relations are free only in one direction, and I should not be with someone else, because I already have a man, and even completely providing me. In winter, I began to get insomnia, and by the spring I was crying more and more, we were constantly quarreling. I decided to leave and worked for six months in another part of the country. Sensing danger, he promised to divorce and marry me. We discussed how I feel about his children, the possibility of having a child in common and other serious things - and then he called and said that he changed his mind. I had something burned inside. I nevertheless entered the university, stayed in Greece, and he went to Germany for half a year. When he returned, we did not renew the relationship, but remained friends.
I always wanted to talk about it - I think that our time is characterized by permissiveness. It seems to me that we are slowly losing the basic benchmarks of “good - bad” and the selfish desire of our own comfort comes to the fore.
With my man, we worked together for a long time, then we became friends. I think that within the framework of the friendship between a man and a woman, flirting is a natural element: both seem to try their strength or entertain their pride by receiving signs of attention. I was pleased with the attention of my colleague and specialist, whom I respect. We moved to a new stage spontaneously: I had a difficult period, he sympathized with a little bit of alcohol. We have never discussed the format. For him, the family comes first, even despite the many intrigues on the side. It was important for me to preserve friendship in the first place: I had no thoughts about the relationship. And, frankly, at that stage I did not want anything more from anyone else. We just had a nice time when both wanted it. I am on good terms with his wife too. All this had no effect on his relationship with her, so I did not feel remorse - only a little awkwardness at first. In addition, I was not the only one with him that never confused me either.
The close relationship lasted for several years and ended when I met a dear person. I told about this married man, he was glad and remains the best friend in the world. We have been friends for about ten years. This is the only experience of such a light, wonderful relationship without claims to each other. We can discuss absolutely everything: work, sex, my boyfriends - he is familiar with some of them.
Whether to communicate with a married man, everyone chooses himself. Yes, there is a spark-storm-madness, but it is important to remember the consequences. People who have lived in a marriage, even for a short time, “grow into” each other, despite possible problems and conflicts. There is a possibility that the passion will not outweigh the man will choose a family, and this is fraught with a broken heart. It is also important to dot the i's before diving into it with your head, so that both participants understand the prospects or the lack of them. Do not deceive yourself and respect your partner. Now I treat categorically treason: I can’t do it myself, being in a relationship, and, most likely, I will not tolerate it from a person nearby. Although, frankly, the opinion on this issue changes with age. I know one thing for sure: it is important for me to be a friend for a loved one, so that he would discuss all the important news, fears, questions with me. This is much more important than sex.
We met in the winter in Moscow. When I saw her, it was as if I was electrocuted — I spent a few hours as if in a trance, and then I approached to get acquainted. It turned out she was from another city - Petersburg. I took her to the subway. Then there was the first date on which she immediately said that she had a child and a husband, but she did not love her husband. I did not care in what format to communicate. She left, we corresponded every day and every night. For almost a month I went to her to St. Petersburg, she was also in Moscow several times. Later, I began to realize that I was destroying her family, but it was impossible to stop with us - I felt guilty, it seemed to me that our relationship was “crushed”. Everything has been going on for several months, but it is very difficult. We parted ten times already, but still together - and, it seems, everything goes to the end of her marriage. Now she plans to move with her family to Moscow, so we will see each other more often.
I feel that this is "my" person, but I do not know what will happen next. It is very disturbing: suddenly we will not be able to live together, and I will tear it out of a stable life. Another difficult moment is responsibility. During the last financial crisis, I lost most of the business and now I can’t say to her: “Move in with me, I’ll decide everything at once.” I know that I will decide, but it takes time. It turns out that we use the resources of her husband to start our relationship. This is disgusting, and I did not think that this would happen to me. I am glad that she is in my life, and if I could return to the past, I would have approached her again. But the thought in my head is that if she loves me, she will do the same as with her husband. From the point of view of logic, such relations are in FIG. But I, apparently, are not logicians.
Photo: BBC Films, New Line Cinema