"Straight back is a political statement": Tall girls about growing
Although bodipositive on everyone’s lips,the opposition of "tall girls" vs "real women" is still alive. As in gloss, there is often no place for people of unfashionable proportions, so the ordinary world doesn’t seem to be designed for tall women: they don’t find clothes in stores (apparently, they are supposed to always wear fashionable clothes), and indeed outside of specially designated spaces Like a podium or a basketball court, tall women cause passers-by to have a variety of feelings that they feel free to share. We talked with several girls about how growth affects their lives.
Growth has never been an acute problem for me, but somehow I immediately switched to chronic. From elementary school on physical education, I consistently walked first in the series; I was taller than the rest, including boys, but I didn’t worry about it. On the contrary, it seemed to me that due to my tall stature I looked older, which means that I was cooler. Considering that since the fifth grade I have certainly been in love with some high school student, then noticeability was even on hand. In the adolescent period there were three growth-related situations that influenced me a lot - and, perhaps, they still influence me.
At about ten years old, when I was in outerwear, only the “boy” addressed me on the street (where did it happen that girls were of this size?), Which terribly upset me. One day, when I was looking at the Sailor Moon dolls in the toy department, some girls began to laugh: "Boy, are you interested in this?" I was so confused, I felt such a wild shame that I just ran away from this store and never again appeared there.
The second situation is connected with the purchase of clothes, in particular pants - this is the pain of all tall and thin people. Since I did not live in the capital and large shopping centers didn’t appear right away, purchases were made like this. At first, my mother and I went around the market in the area, and then we drove to the edge of the earth to a flea market, where we wandered for several hours with a tape and finally took those pants that were closest in length to the numbers they were looking for. I think at such moments a person receives a signal: "Dude, you should not be here." When you are constantly confronted with the fact that the world is not adapted for you, it is not possible to catch this signal.
The third situation - when I started to like a boy below me. For some reason, I was sure that I definitely didn’t like this man because of his height. There were no couples in my environment where a woman would be taller, so I didn’t know at all that this was possible. I remember googling "couples where the woman is taller" and, with tears in her eyes, read about Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. Then, in high school, I became selective in shoes: once I stopped wearing the newly purchased fashion shoes just because I was in them a little higher than the boy I was walking with. The habit of choosing shoes, focusing on the height of the heel, is still with me. And now it has nothing to do with the growth of the partner.
Now my height is about 180-182 centimeters, and I like it. When you are tall, you are always in sight - you cannot hide, be invisible. Sometimes it tires, but there is a huge plus: when you do not fit into the standards, you have nothing to lose, so you can just be yourself.
How many can remember, has always been high. Already in kindergarten, they put me first, then second in the line. It was very embarrassing, and for some reason there was a feeling that you were always guilty of something. It seems that until the age of thirteen or fourteen, I grew very quickly, without gaining weight, so I constantly heard these grandparents "oh, where did you go so far ?!", "You are such a big girl!" And so on. For these years I have consistently hated my height, and with it myself.
When you study at school or go to a summer camp, you need to be a self-confident person, otherwise this cruel machine of children's nonsense will trample you, and you will need to heal the wounds for years. So, I visited: "mop", "sleeper", "dildo", "chipboard" and many other items. I became an outcast and could not get rid of this status in any school or in another. My heart broke when I heard from the tests in the lyceum dance class that I would never participate anywhere, because there are no ballerinas with my height.
At university, I had the feeling that I had gotten out of some kind of aquarium into a new world. I desperately wanted to be a different person, and the anger that had accumulated during my school years gave me determination. I began to wear heels, I had fans, I began to rejoice that they put me on physical education first. I ran, and there was no one in front; I did the exercises and did not know who looked at me like. I was free, it seemed to me that I was a Spirit, a soul of prairies.
When I began to meet with the guys, I immediately correlated our height, and the choice of my shoes was due to the growth of my chosen one. So, I have disappeared, then heels appeared. Recently, I have convinced myself that a flat sole is my choice, although I really do not know how.
Now my height is 177 centimeters, about a year ago I finally decided to love myself. Uncompromisingly and almost by force. I began to take care of myself, for the first time in years I had the darkness of photos not of my friends, buildings, birds or plants, but me. I was photographed naked and sent the story to Instagram. Nothing like that, everything is covered up, but it gave the feeling that it was me, and I can do what I want. Once posed in a bathing suit at a local institute. All these are small steps in my daily struggle. I also read plays in art space - also a step.
Now I’m not so keenly responding to my height, but it’s a thread that goes through my whole life. I want to feel like myself. When I read the stories of different girls, I’m watching Ani Chesova’s Dasha Evans instagram, I find answers to my questions there. I see that we are all fighting for ourselves, and in this struggle one cannot give up.
Problems due to growth began at twelve years old and then pursued constantly. Then I grew five centimeters over one summer, immediately becoming the highest in the class. Besides the fact that I was the highest, I still always dressed unusually, because my mother freely interpreted fashion trends. As a result, during all my school years I constantly heard criticism about my appearance. Nobody was embarrassed to speak out - and high school students just used to fester me all the time. It still hurts to remember this.
My perception of the body greatly influenced how I felt and how I communicated with others. I managed to cope with the barriers, perhaps, only at the university, when I studied at the faculty of sociology. We constantly worked on how social construction of reality takes place, how cultural norms function, and how they are conditioned. And when we read works on corporality, I saw how power affects our perception of our own bodies, how it serves as a method of control. For me it became a very personal story, and I decided that I could fight this power. Now just straightened back, every trip in the subway without being bent turns into a political statement. So I struggle with these norms.
The last time I measured, my height was 186 centimeters, although they usually do not believe me. For example, once we were sitting with fellow students, among whom there is a guy under two meters tall. And so my friends wondered who was superior, me or him. At first I couldn’t understand how it might not be obvious to them. And after a number of such cases, I came to the conclusion that a woman whose height is above a certain threshold (maybe 180 centimeters? I do not know where this threshold is) is perceived as someone who is absolutely absolutely high - someone who touches the clouds.
In general, people love to express an opinion about what my height means for them, but no one thinks about how I feel at this moment that my height means to me. Recently, I started a channel Gender Fluid Top Kek Model, dedicated to the lives of tall women. I think that it’s very important to talk about personal experience, about how different people feel in their different bodies. Periodically subscribers say they recognize themselves in my stories. But the strangest thing is that the girls wrote to me far below me and said that they also faced a similar reaction.
For example, my girlfriend, whose height is about 175 cm, told me how her grandmothers in the courtyard discuss that she certainly won’t get married, and they wondered why she would go anywhere with such growth. That is, in their understanding, it is simply some kind of biomaterial that is unfit for use. Although 175 is actually not very much. Once I realized that everything is relative: if you are, say, just above all the girls in the yard, you will still be perceived as something huge. So stereotypes make people hate their bodies, and this is sad.
The first time I was faced with the fact that really different from the rest, in kindergarten. We were preparing for a New Year's matinee, all the girls were given out costumes of snowflakes and animals, and not one outfit was wearing me. In the end, I did not participate - just watched. In school, my height, which was still accompanied by thinness, was constantly the cause of ridicule. Parents told me that soon everyone will grow up, and I will understand that my height is even a plus. I reassured myself with this thought.
And so it happened: at the institute there were no problems due to growth, so the desire to be lower was gone forever. On the contrary, I liked being in the spotlight. Now my height is 182 centimeters and my body completely suits me. But it is strange that for some reason other people consider it normal to tell me that I, in their opinion, are very thin. I don’t understand this at all, because I don’t say something to the passersby: “Oh my God, you have such a big nose!”
Of the minuses - this, of course, is the choice of clothes: basically I sew to order, or I buy things in the men's departments, or take them from my husband. If you wear heels, then you need to look very carefully around, for example, so as not to stumble onto the handrail. In general, the world seems to be completely unsuitable for tall people. Recently, we did repairs in the kitchen, and I was faced with the fact that I just could not find a table at which I would be comfortable sitting. In the end, I ordered the legs separately, so as not to bend over when I cook. Lockers also had to hang at some wrong height, which is indicated. Constantly need something to invent.
As for the relationship, then yes, for me it is still important that the man was taller than me. I met with young people of my height, there were attempts to start a relationship with the guys a little lower, but I was uncomfortable. I thought about how we look from the outside, it seemed to me that such a couple caused laughter. Especially since I love heels. At the same time, recently my husband (who is actually taller than me) said that girls from 185 centimeters are already “mares”. We started talking about this because we were going to the theater and I wanted to wear shoes - I was very unpleasant, I like myself on my heels.
When I last measured growth a few years ago, it was 186 centimeters. Recently I measured again - 189 centimeters. In general, when I communicate with people, there are three options for the development of events: I am asked if I am a basketball player, if I am a volleyball player, or if I am engaged in modeling business. And these questions I hear - literally - every day. If no one asked me about it, it means that I was just sitting at home and did not talk to anyone. And the funny thing is that I never did any of this.
For the first time I was faced with difficulties due to height, at school, when, with 175 centimeters and a weight of 45-50 kilograms, it became difficult for me to find suitable clothes. Yes, I saw that I was different, but it didn’t cause much suffering. Probably, because I always had before my eyes an example of the fact that tall people exist and they can quite happily exist in this world: my elder brother is about two meters tall.
Yes, it is inconvenient to travel in public transport, it is inconvenient when talking, because you constantly have to bend down, but in this you find the other way around: your head is not at the level of someone else’s underarms in the subway, you can sleep with your head on your hands on the rail. That is, there were breaking moments when, say, a person liked a person below, but for him growth is important. But gradually I realized that this is such a good indicator of human maturity. Given that I am engaged in feminist and queer activism, it is unlikely that I will have anything to talk with a person for whom growth is critically important. Very convenient life hacking.
Now I study at HSE as a psychologist, we recently opened the Higher School of Equality, where, among other things, we are engaged in education in the field of gender, sexuality and queer. I think that growth has influenced my attitude towards issues of gender self-determination. I noticed that the society of us, tall women, perceives as more enduring, strong and convincing. And I just started using bugs in the system: I became more effective in convincing people of what I believe in myself. Yes, to be convincing and not dominant is very difficult, so I often have to play the role of such a strong person. And yes, there are masculine features in it, but it completely suits me. I believe that each person can express himself femininely and masculine to the extent that he is comfortable.