Checklist: 7 Signs That People Use You
Text: Yana Shagova
Are you often blamed on someone else's work? Is it difficult for you to refuse requests, even the most inconvenient and strange? Do you think that it’s embarrassing to download the rights, and whoever does this is a “brawler” and an unpleasant person? It is possible that those around you use - we tell about the signs by which it can be understood, and what to do about it.
1
You feel guilty
Manipulation of guilt feelings is probably the most common in the world. Its general meaning is as follows: the applicant explains that if you refuse him, you will be a "bad person." That is, you are denied the right to refuse, frightening a serious damage to reputation and self-esteem.
There are still manipulations through flattery ("I do not understand anything, and you understand so well!"), But it seems that in our culture, it is wine and bullying that take the first place. You can force a person to regularly lend money, because he has a wealthy family, and the manipulator is poor and alone. You can convince a friend that he is obliged to listen to other people's problems for many hours, because he has no such serious difficulties, which means he was more fortunate in life (and now he supposedly owes it for it). You can convince him that a project that needs to donate a lot of volunteer work hours is a good thing, and if he refuses, he will behave like a cynic and an egoist.
Bullying carries the message: "Just try to give up, it will be worse for you." For example, a colleague incites you to do his part of the work, because he allegedly cannot do anything, and the failure of the project will have a bad effect on everyone. They impose responsibility on you, actually a stranger, and frighten you with negative consequences - for you.
2
You have a feeling that you can not refuse
There is a good criterion of cases for which you should not undertake, and requests that it is better to immediately refuse, the feeling that you cannot refuse a person, although he is not under your guardianship and is not your boss. That is, in theory, relations are equal, but in practice it turns out that they are not.
Of course, the feeling that the relationship is unequal, in this case - an illusion. But the fact that it arose with you and you act on the basis of it is a sign that you are being used. Here they can manipulate both the feeling of guilt mentioned above, and the authority of the applicant, and refer to some third authoritative people whom they supposedly need to appear in a good light. And just to appeal to the fact that the request is trivial and it will be longer to refuse than to fulfill it. So what are you?
It is important to catch this moment: a second ago you were sitting and did not touch anyone, and after a few moments you should have someone. This is not true. An adult has the right to control his own life and his schedule. Most likely, you have plans, agreements and commitments. And the right to rest or just not want to do something! When someone has an urgent business "for you", you, firstly, are not obliged to react at all immediately, and secondly, you can safely postpone this business or deny it. If you are under pressure, it is better to refuse immediately. If you want to comment on the refusal somehow, instead of making excuses or explanations, it’s better to just describe your feelings and vision of the situation: "I now have the feeling that you are trying to pressure me and I don’t like it."
3
You cannot demand what you owe.
You had a disgusting manicure in the salon, you forgot to bring a dish in a restaurant, they gave you the wrong hotel room. The official does not want to do the work and offers you to download and fill out something yourself, and how exactly to do it - you should look at the sample on the Internet (and you suspect that nobody has updated this sample for five years and it is outdated).
You are afraid and embarrassed to insist, so you accept the fact that you have to pay money for a bad or incomplete service or to do a part of someone else's work. And although it is unpleasant for you, insulting and uncomfortable, you decide to remain silent. The reason - all the same sense of its worthlessness and inequality. As if the second party has the right to fulfill or not to fulfill its duties, and you have no opportunity to be indignant and ask for what is owed to you.
4
You do not see the difference between conflict and scandal.
Conflict, uncomfortable person - this is necessarily nasty "brawler", is not it? Actually, no, but in our everyday speech we rarely use the expression “to assert rights”. More often they say “swing rights”, and this expression has a sharply negative connotation. And it’s a pity, to defend one’s rights is the norm. It is very convenient to use a person who is afraid of being known as a “brawler” who “pumps the rights”. It is necessary only at any attempt to disagree to remind him how ugly he now looks, how he is not committed to the common cause, selfish and petty. Done! He is yours.
In fact, the conflict is not at all equal to scandal. He generally does not necessarily imply a quarrel - this is primarily a clash of interests. Whether it will be possible to resolve it peacefully depends on both sides - but it is not necessary to start with aggression and be a brawler. You can start by stating your position: “I think this is wrong,” “In my opinion, this is not my area of responsibility,” “Unfortunately, I can’t fulfill your request, I’m busy now.”
5
You get tired, angry and hiding from everyone
The man on whom everyone “drives” is overloaded. He also does not have time to do his own business, because he is overloaded with strangers. He is constantly ashamed: because he does not know how to refuse, he promises and does not fulfill, breaks deadlines, and then he is forced to apologize or hide from calls and messages. In any new letter there may be another request, an inconvenient proposal or other manipulation, you don’t want to give in to it, but it’s scary and embarrassing to fight back - therefore, it’s better to mark them unread or not to answer.
Unfortunately, this protection works very badly. Firstly, you feel ashamed of what, in general, you should not be ashamed of, and a person will have another tool to manipulate you. Secondly, it shows that you still do not feel entitled to refuse. Without practice, this valuable skill will not develop - and for those who are ashamed and difficult to refuse, it is very convenient to use.
All this causes a feeling of fatigue, and even aggression. In the worst case, you are almost always in a state of extreme irritation, in a lighter version, you are angry with specific people (alas, they are often close - family members, relatives, friends). In any case, it is worth looking at what is happening in your relationship. Do you have the right to refuse help, meeting, conversation? Will you make you feel guilty or guilty if you do this?
6
You constantly notice inequality in relationships
The problems of a friend deserve all sympathy, and yours, from her point of view, for some reason are easily solved and cannot be compared. When a boyfriend has difficulties at work, you listen to him for two hours - and from him in a similar situation you hear a little bit: “You're such a good fellow, you can handle everything,” and this is considered to be support. When your friends need your help, it is urgent, when, on the contrary, you need support, it can wait.
The very need to be considered says that somewhere you feel yourself slighted or slighted. In harmonious relationships, there is no such need: partners feel a balance and small deviations cause neither anger nor a sense of injustice. If you have a persistent feeling that you have been cheated, then something has gone wrong. It happens that anger is late: in the presence of a person meaningful to you, the feeling is blocked and you do not seem to have the right to experience it, let alone show it. But after the meeting there are thoughts about what and how it was necessary to answer, how it was necessary to refuse, and the like - you seem to be angry with “backdating”.
Try talking about your needs and expectations to your relatives: “I need support, and I want to talk about it a little longer. I wanted you to listen and maybe suggested something,” “It was a shame when you didn’t help me with the move "I helped you in similar situations and, to be honest, I was counting on reciprocity."
7
Your schedule speaks for itself
If you still have doubts, try recording for a few days what you are busy with and for how long. And then count: how many percent of the day your affairs take - work, leisure, hobbies, your interests? And how many are strangers: consolation of a friend on the phone, free consultation in an instant messenger for a friend who has urgent questions about what you understand, help a husband or wife with drawing up a complex document (is it not difficult for you?) And finding a sanatorium is cheaper for mom, because she is poorly oriented on the Internet?
Of course, such calculations look artificial, but give food for thought. For example, 20% of the affairs of others per day means that you have a four-day working week, and one day you completely devote the problems and concerns of others. You might think how it affects your work or the opportunity to rest. If the affairs of others are approaching 30-50%, it seems it is time to sound the alarm: other people are in control of your life.
What to do
Is it really necessary to become a “cynic” for a comfortable life, not to help anyone, not to volunteer, not to support your loved ones? Of course not. But help is a voluntary action, for which a warm attitude towards a person or a group of people should be combined with an excess of resources (we are not talking about people who are directly dependent on you - for example, the situation with children will be different, although, of course, making a decision about whether to start them, you also need to assess the resources). You have time that you are willing to devote to others. There is money you can and want to help. There are forces to listen and comfort the one who is ill. If resources are barely enough for yourself, and someone comes in and demands that you spend them differently, this is practically a robbery with a knife at the throat. And you should not condemn you if you refuse, but the one who demands and presses.
People who are easy to use often have a broken sense of self-worth. It seems to them that other people are more important, more importantly, that their needs are "more important". This is a question that would work well in therapy: the feeling “I am not important, not valuable man” affects all areas of life.
If resources are barely enough for yourself, and someone comes in and demands that you spend them differently, this is practically robbery with a knife at the throat
As for practical advice, in a situation of pressure and manipulation a few simple rules help. First, it’s good to ask simple open-ended questions: why? What for? The one who uses and manipulates has more power. Assigning the right to ask questions, you restore the balance. You can not just get you to do what is convenient for the speaker - you want the details from him: "Fill out this form yourself" - "And why?" "First register on our site ..." - "Excuse me, but why?" Haste and confusion are the friends of the manipulators, and an attempt to structure everything and sort it out against them.
Secondly, take a pause. If you know that it's easy to push you through, learn to gracefully leave the action scene before it happens. Literally under any, the most ridiculous pretext: urgently needed in the toilet, you need to drink some water, smoke a cigarette, immediately answer the call. Let you look a little weird and even impolite. But in silence, having recovered your breath and calmed down, you can give yourself time to understand what is happening. And make it a rule not to agree to any affairs, obligations or expenses immediately: "I need to think until the evening," "I need to discuss this with my wife," "I forgot the diary at home, sorry, I can only say tomorrow." And remember: if, in response to this, a person began to get angry or push you even harder, this is absolutely no reason to change the decision. Moreover, it is a sign that you are doing everything right: most likely, others are unfriendly towards you. Anyone who is determined to act in your interests will be calm and wait.
Practice saying no. People often do not dare to refuse, because they are afraid that they will stop loving them and leave. But do you need those around you who love you only reliable and comfortable? Practice refusing without excuses. “Excuse me, no,” “No, I don't want to” and “No, this is not convenient for me” - three magic phrases that do not require any additions. Perhaps those whom you have never refused before will initially be surprised or angry. And most likely, your social circle will change. But all these changes will be for the better.
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