How to learn to admit your mistakes
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to learn to admit your mistakes?
In each of our lives, there have been situations where we committed reckless actions, said something superfluous, or, on the contrary, did not do what was so important to do. And if some of us, doing something that they themselves regard as “wrong”, start to get angry at themselves and subject themselves to endless self-flagellation, then others tend to fall into denial and attribute responsibility for the situation to someone else.
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
Have you spoken nasty things to your loved one? Most likely, he himself is guilty, because you came home from work irritated and tired and you shouldn't have touched you. Did you do a poor job? It is probably the fault of the boss who treats you with obvious prejudice. Have you forgotten to take mom to the doctor? But you were so annoyed by the quarrel with the boyfriend and preoccupied with the boss’s complaints that you didn’t care at all ... Many people recognize someone familiar in this portrait, but not themselves, because some people simply refuse to admit that they did Something is wrong. This phenomenon, known as the victimization mentality, is characteristic of people who simply do not have enough time to take responsibility for themselves and their actions. And it is here that a closed cycle is formed: as long as a person is not able to recognize an error for himself, he is not able to process it into experience and move on. And while he is not able to learn from his mistakes, he will commit them again and again - this is how endless trampling on the spot happens.
Fortunately, sometimes even if a person does not consciously acknowledge something, he often, deep down, knows what the root of all troubles is. There is a third, the most common option, when a person does not blame anyone for anything, but at the same time he himself is not inclined to think about how he found himself in this situation, so he simply tries to forget about everything as soon as possible. Further recommendations will mainly be useful for the latter type of people, as well as those who are prone to self-flagellation.
While a person is not able to admit a mistake, he is not able to process it into experience and move on.
For a start, no matter how banal it may sound, we must admit the fact that mistakes are normal, they are part of human nature. Mistakes are our lessons. Everyone who has learned at least something should remember that this is part of the educational process. When we learn to walk, we fall, when we learn to run, we break our knees. Few people, having learned to drive, at least once did not scratch the car, few people, trying to build relationships, at least once did not feel pain. And accepting the fact that many of our actions have grown out of mistakes, our personality is cultivated by mistakes, try to accept ourselves, to accept exactly as you are. With all the irregularities and different heights of the steps of achievement that make you unique, make you yourself. Most of all, our pride, our ego, hinders us from making mistakes. We are afraid to look smaller, weaker. Errors in no way detract from us, on the contrary, their adoption speaks of the maturity of your approach to solving problems and your ability to correct and change something.
Then try to still look at specific events in your life. Why do you even read this article? In addition to casual interest, I would venture to suggest that you are pursued by some kind of past event, which prevents you from living peacefully on, or ... you did it again. The events of the past have taught you nothing, you have stepped on the same rake and are looking for a way out of the vicious circle.
Mistakes do not humiliate us; on the contrary, their adoption speaks of the maturity of your approach to problem solving.
And then, as usual, you need to sit down and think. Describe your situation, write it down. What exactly went wrong? If something went wrong twice - what and where exactly did it happen? If you can’t figure it out for yourself, ask the opinion of a person who seems reasonable to you: a friend, mother, teacher. If the relationship is a problem, if you have not yet destroyed them and your partner, who is capable of constructive dialogue, discuss with him what causes you to constantly get annoyed / swear / give each other little attention? Perhaps the very attempt of such a conversation will lead to the understanding that it is just you who are not ready to accept criticism constructively and are subject to outbursts of anger, in the heat of which you make many mistakes. It is not so easy, but it is imperative to understand and accept if you yourself are destroying your relationship all the time (not necessarily just romantic ones).
And most importantly, whatever it is and whatever you do, you must understand that you need to move on. You cannot live in this dark moment all the time. No, well, of course, you can, but it can hardly be called life. Yes, you did something, maybe something terrible. But even the most seemingly monstrous things are not as obvious as they seem. Did you not notice in time that your dog was sick? This is very sad, probably, it was necessary to be more careful, to be safe. But probably you are not a veterinarian and you didn’t know, you probably didn’t have any dogs before. Accept, but forgive yourself. Perhaps this experience will save the life of another dog or your child.
You did not stop a friend when he got behind the wheel drunk and trouble happened? You cannot be responsible for the actions of adults. Yes, you could do something. It can be a terrible and bitter experience. I am more than sure that if such a situation happens again, you will bury the keys, call the police, but don’t allow it again. Sometimes our mistakes are terrible. Sometimes we don’t want to live with them at all. But each time running away from them, especially from the most terrible, think about it, do you really want to experience it again?