Said yes: Why do people all over the world marry themselves
Veil and ring on the finger, a bridal bouquet and a multi-layered cake, oaths in eternal love and healthy toasts - the procedure of marrying yourself can differ little from a regular wedding, except for a small detail: the absence of a second marriage. The idea of solo romantic relationships still causes an ironic smile, but the services that organize wedding ceremonies do not complain about the lack of clients. In recent years, the demand for their services only grows, despite the fact that marriage to yourself is only a cherry on a sologamy cake, conscious practice, which is based on the understanding that a person is closer and dearer than you yourself, and there is no will be.
“I firmly believe that each of us must first of all love ourselves,” said Laura Mesi, who became engaged with herself in September last year. “You can arrange a fairy tale even without a prince.” The forty-year-old fitness trainer from Italy followed the lead of British photographer Grace Gelder. She married herself in October 2014, much to the delight of her relatives, who fully approved of her choice.
As a source of inspiration, Gelder quotes Bjork's song "Isobel", the heroine of whom "married herself and lives by herself", and not to say that the idea of marriage with yourself as a pop cultural know-how is very new: at different times you married yourself Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex and the City”, Sue Sylvester from Glee and a transgender model named All of “Zulander 2” performed by Benedict Cumberbatch. Another thing is that until recently it was perceived as a joke. Meanwhile, those who said to themselves “yes” in front of the altar go to thousands - only Gabrielle Penabas, a New York performance artist, and a pioneer of a solo wedding, claims that since the beginning of the 2000s she had married about 1,500 people.
It is difficult to bring more precise statistics: solitary marriages do not have legal force, therefore there is no need to register them. Strictly speaking, they are not for the sake of a stamp in a passport or economic rights. The objectives of the wedding with a rather lie in the field of gestalt and psychodrama. So crying on them is completely sincere.
Solology is supposed to give psychological liberation, including through the appropriation of traditional rituals.
Although anyone can literally marry themselves, solo marriages have a steady target audience: unmarried and divorced women. That they, first of all, have to overcome the prejudices of modern society, in which single people are considered by default as failed in their personal lives. In this sense, it is more difficult for women, since for them the idea of “inferiority” outside of marriage is already laid down at the language level (various references for unmarried and married, say, Miss and Mrs. in the English tradition), not to mention the gallery of derogatory types - “blue stockings” , "old maids" and "catmaids".
As the economic necessity of marriage in economically prosperous countries becomes a thing of the past, these stereotypes, it would seem, should have died off on their own. However, in practice nothing of the kind happens, and loneliness remains a strong social stigma (even though English, unlike Russian, distinguishes between loneliness and solitude - loneliness as a depressing state and loneliness as a conscious choice), which besides hits the pocket. Solology, as it is supposed, should give psychological liberation, including through the appropriation of traditional rituals. Worried about the fact that you never had a magnificent wedding? Arrange it for yourself. People around you constantly remind you that it's time to get married? Announce to them that you have gone for yourself.
The stronger the social stigma in society, the stronger the resistance to it, therefore weddings on themselves turned out to be especially in demand in Japan, where the ceremony is also combined with a tour. But sologamiya is not limited to symbolic gestures and public declarations. It involves a long work on yourself, and in the thematic communities this process is taken seriously. One common option is a ten-step program under the guidance of a coach, whose services cost two hundred dollars. The ten-week course implies an almost monastic renunciation of previous romantic relationships and their replacement by signs of attention to oneself.
From the beginning to the end - that is, before the wedding ceremony - this procedure was passed by sociologist, journalist and editor of the openDemocracy Russia portal Polina Aronson, who described in detail her experience in the article “Marrying Yourself: Challenge Romantic Ideals or Surrender to them?”. The rituals performed by her include the stage “Contemplation of the Soul” (in the bathroom mirror), “Archiving of relations” (sorting out all the packages reminiscent of certain romantic stories by individual packages), a lonely candlelight dinner and writing love declarations to myself.
"I didn’t have a personal need to marry myself - it was rather an anthropological interest. I wanted to understand how all these steps work, how this ritual works ... Emotionally, this whole practice was rather unpleasant for me. I had a feeling that I I fall into some kind of pit, a sense of horror of growing self-isolation. But I am a married woman with two children, not suffering from lack of attention and accustomed to living in a family. I, on the one hand, criticize the institution of marriage, but in practice I live a quite privileged life of educated white well Women. I do not have the stigma of loneliness, which solo, in fact, is designed to overcome. "
However, she recognizes the healing effect of the practice. "In a strict sense, this is not therapy, because this practice does not occur under the supervision of a specialist. But it is inscribed in the general context of therapeutic culture - self-help, pop psychology, and so on - in which a person is considered as a set of injuries, and life is movement from one injury to another and their “treatment” - for example, through self-love, - Aronson says. - Sologamy is a typical neoliberal “technology of the self”(The term put into circulation philosopher Michel Foucault, by technology (or technician) himself who understood man’s operations on his behavior and way of thinking, aimed at achieving happiness, wisdom, perfection and, ultimately, immortality - Ed.). People take it very seriously, invest time and money in this process - and expect return. But Sologamy is still not the most common of such „technologies“. There are much more common practices, and people pay a lot of money for retreats in Goa. "
Marrying yourself may not be a gesture of despair, but definitely a sign that the evolution of marriage is at an impasse
Sologia as a phenomenon - and not just an eccentric trick - people start to look closely: from the New Zealand edition Newshub, it seems, quite seriously wondered whether it was not incest to marry (answer: no, at least according to New Zealand law - the person himself is not included in the list of relatives with whom it is forbidden to marry, and whether it is possible to divorce with yourself (answer: no, because you won’t leave) And the Daily Beast columnist exposes the consolation as a gesture of desperate narcissism and indicates that, marrying himself, the person only emphasizes the need for marriage.
And if the border between narcissism and "true self-love" is not easy to draw, then the question of marriage is at least fair. Denying the very necessity of marriage, Solologia does not offer in exchange anything except the appropriation of its traditional attributes. "I see a problem in that sologamia is not critical of the institution of marriage. It does not raise the question: is marriage necessary? Why is wedding obligatory? Rituals and institutions are borrowed, but not reinterpreted. It is important to understand that they are borrowed for the most part those for whom marriage — often against their own will — is still a measure of status: women, ”says Aronson.“ I think no one asks these questions, because all other aspects of sology as practices are so vague and so dependent on a specific person ESA that need some kind of common denominator. "
"There are certain areas of life that will always be ritualized. There are no cultures in which marriage rituals would not exist. Rituals are a tool, they give a feeling of stability, belonging to something more than you yourself. That is why it seems that sologamiya is absurd There is a contradiction in it: initiation into the community takes place through the ritual, but the ritual itself honors individuality, ”explains Aronson.” “A lonely - in the single sense - a person ends up between the hammer and the anvil.” On the one hand, they say that ticking, on the other hand, they also aggressively suggest that “single” does not mean “lonely”, and that loneliness is a great time to “search for yourself.” Honest talk about loneliness in such conditions does not work. If you if you live alone, then this is your choice, and if it’s a choice, you have to argue it. Then the philosophy “how to be single” comes to the rescue. Talking about the fact that you live alone and you are lonely, our society simply does not accept it very hard to carry on in public space. And sologamy is not a solution. This is part of the problem. "
Marrying yourself may not be a gesture of despair, but definitely a sign that the evolution of marriage is at an impasse. “I think we are experiencing a renaissance of marriage as a social institution. The active struggle of LGBT people for the right to marry is an important element of this process. There is a need to rethink marriage, but groups that have the potential for this rethinking prefer to fight for the privileges that are associated with marriage. Of course, same-sex couples should have the right to leave each other an inheritance and visit each other in intensive care. That's right. But the only way to this is through a ritual that fixes monogamy on paper anxiety, in itself, in my opinion, indicative of stagnation in public understanding of what the relationship should be encouraged, and what - no. "
Photo: Wedding Collectibles, zentilia - stock.adobe.com
