Sozavisimy relations: How to stop clinging to a partner
Ideas about what is "codependency"or "co-dependencies" differ: some consider that it is possible to describe relationships with a person with some kind of addiction, such as alcohol, others - that it is about relationships where interpersonal boundaries suffer or are violated. We decided to understand what is meant by these terms today and what to do if you find yourself in these situations.
Neurotic personality of our time
There is still no single definition of codependency. Many people use this term to describe the behavior of a person whose partner has an alcohol, drug or gambling addiction - in this case they mean dysfunctional relationships in which one person maintains the painful condition of another. However, this concept is often defined much broader - as a pathological state of emotional, social, financial, or even physical dependence on a person. Two adults can be co-dependents - usually partners, friends or parents with raised children. The code does not apply to children of small children - after all, the younger ones depend on the older ones by default. Nevertheless, dysfunctional relationships with parents can initiate a future problem.
At the end of the 1930s, German psychoanalyst Karen Horney described one of the first code dependencies (the term itself, though it wasn’t yet): it explored people who cling to others to cope with basic anxiety. "People of this type," Horney wrote in the book The Neurotic Personality of Our Time, "are particularly vulnerable to falling into a painful dependence on love relationships."
Around the same time, the Alcoholics Anonymous self-help group became widely used in the United States. Their organizers drew attention to the fact that alcoholism is a form of “family dysfunction” (those families that cannot move to the next stage of development, for example, let go of adolescents or adapt to external changes, are called dysfunctional). Thus, the idea was formed that the parents and spouses of chemically dependent patients sometimes behave in such a way that they only contribute to aggravating the problems of their loved ones. In 1986, the first group, “Anonymous Codependent,” appeared, whose members recognized that they were “helpless in front of others” and tend to “use other people as the sole source of personal integrity, value and well-being”.
One stumbles - both fall
"But are we all more or less dependent on loved ones?" - you can ask. Sure, but in the case of codependency everything is more complicated. In a relationship without such a problem, adults, figuratively speaking, go through life holding hands - and if one suddenly stumbles, the other will support him. In a co-dependent relationship, people, on the contrary, as if shifted the center of gravity to the partner. But, firstly, you will not get far in this position, and secondly, when one stumbles, both fall.
Sozavisimyh relations suggest that people are so connected in different spheres of life that they can not act autonomously. If their relationship deteriorates or collapses, other areas of life instantly suffer, from professional realization to physical health or material well-being. For co-addicted people, a partner (or a close friend, or a relative) is a “feeding trough” from which basic needs are replenished, from material well-being to a sense of security, and which is designed to heal their emotional wounds.
Codependency is above all an extreme emotional and mental immersion in the life of another, a mixture of roles, functions and emotions. Socially dependent people very easily "become infected" with the mood of a loved one and immediately take all the manifestations of his feelings into his account. The train of thought turns out like this: a partner who just came home from work is annoyed not because he is hungry, tired or has a bad day, but because he is not happy to see me. He (a) is sad because I said (a) something is not right. Anger, displeasure, sadness, apathy in such people instantly become common - as if their emotional systems with a close person are not separated, but are two communicating vessels, and feelings freely “overflow” from one person to another.
For co-addicted people, a partner is a “feeding trough” from which basic needs are replenished, from material well-being to a sense of security.
In a relationship without co-dependence, a person primarily controls his own life, health, and emotional state. He understands that he can influence the emotions and lives of loved ones (any trusting relationship implies a relationship), but he has no idea how to manage them. In a co-dependent relationship, a person often and often tries to control the mind, feelings and behavior of the second person. Of course, this control is only an illusion, but attempts can fill almost the entire life.
Someone convinces a husband or wife to quit drinking, smoking or taking drugs, promises to go to a psychologist together - but only in order to solve a partner's problem. Someone wants a better position and better salary for him or her and discusses with friends how to “motivate” another person to achieve. You may want a friend to sign up for a doctor, start eating right and lose weight, because this is supposed to be better for her health and personal life.
The distinction between the usual desire to help a loved one and codependency lies in regularity and perseverance. If “help” becomes a separate task - we start making plans, how to convince a girlfriend to lose weight, and ask a boss to raise her husband, try to write them down for training or to the gym, spend hours looking for and then casually slip the literature on the topic - we’re talking about co-dependency. At this moment we are trying to control someone else’s life.
People who are addicted to code addiction are so afraid of the threat of separation that they prefer to act and think for another person instead of taking an unbiased look at his behavior.
Another feature of codependency is role entanglement. A dependent person is trying to be a close psychotherapist, doctor, nutritionist, personal manager - instead of just being a partner or friend, sharing life and impressions from it. It is possible to go with a close person to the doctor, help him choose a psychotherapist or create a resume, and it is possible and independent of co-dependent relationships. But, in contrast to the usual help, with codependency, a person wants to replace the wishes of the other with his own, tries to force him to go where he is not eager to get to.
At this point, a person who thinks as a codeconcerned person usually objects (very reasonably in his coordinate system): "But if you do not push him (her), he (she) will not do anything! He will not stop drinking, he will lie on couch and do not work, continue to hurt and wither. " This, unfortunately, is true: an adult can choose not to care about his health, not to earn money or to live with chemical addiction. And then his partner or friend will most likely be confronted with the question of how comfortable and acceptable a close relationship is with the one who puts his life at risk by refusing treatment, or is almost never sober, or with someone who does not work and who need to contain. People who are addicted to code addiction are so afraid of the threat of parting that they prefer to act and think for another, rather than keep an open mind on his behavior and decide whether they want to be close to such a person.
The idea of improving someone else's life instead of one’s own is central to the socially dependent. If you look for the origins of this desire, you will most likely find out that they would like a good life for themselves: in prosperity, peace of mind, with a person who is interested in something other than beer and computer games, who does not risk dying every week from an overdose . But they have an idea that it is impossible to achieve this directly, independently, and they try to achieve a good life as if through another person, most often someone who is not suitable for this. For example, instead of building their own careers on their own, they “motivate” a partner to ask for a promotion.
Illusion of control
If in the description of code dependent behavior you have partially or completely recognized yourself, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Most likely, in your childhood you were surrounded by adults who did not build healthy boundaries in communicating with each other and with you, were unable to bear responsibility for your well-being and upbringing, but instead shifted it to you. So you "learned" the code-dependent behavior.
How can this happen? For example, a mother and grandmother send a little boy to calm down a drunken, raging grandpa, because "he loves his grandson and will not touch him, and no one else can handle him." So a distorted picture of the world is instilled in the child, in which a six-year-old can be held responsible for what two adult women cannot cope with, and at the same time, where it is possible to calm with love, or maybe even heal. Or a family where a mother, unable to control her spending, asks her ten-year-old daughter at the mall: "See to it that I don’t buy too much." Financial responsibility as if passes under the control of the girl. In fact, of course, this is not so: a mother at any time can say: “I am the eldest here, and I decide,” and then again blame her daughter that she “could not keep” her from unnecessary purchases.
Excellent "educate" co-dependents of the family, where parents make children attorneys in adult matters. For example, they tell them about their sex life, adultery, abortion, relationships, ask for advice about vital decisions: to get a divorce or not, to change a job. Or they make the child a mediator in adult conflicts: “Go and tell your father that if he will behave this way with me ...” In such families, adults often attribute to children responsibility for their mood or physical condition: “I was so worried because of your two that I now have a migraine. Here they will take me to the hospital, you will be guilty "; "Mom and I are worried about your behavior and therefore we quarreled. Our family is falling apart because of you!"
A distorted picture of the world is instilled in the child, where a six-year-old may be responsible for what adults cannot handle
Thus, the child becomes accustomed to the idea that he controls the situation over which he does not really have power: after all, the mother will divorce when she or her husband wants; parents will make peace when they see fit; Work on the advice of a five-year-old girl, too, no one changes. This illusion bears a great deal of anxiety, because such a responsibility is really unbearable for a child: he does not know how and should not solve adult issues. And at the same time it is a big deception, because in reality each person controls only his behavior.
What should a co-dependent person do? Janey and Barry Winehold and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood are excellent "self-help books" on the problem of codependency. Along with other twelve-step programs there are free self-help groups "Anonymous co-dependent"; in Russia, they operate in Moscow, St. Petersburg and many other major cities. Do not forget about personal therapy. Socially dependent people often seek to send a partner to a psychologist or go with him to a family specialist. But perhaps long-term individual work will be for a person who wants to learn how to make the center of his life himself, and not others, the best solution.
Photo:Nenov Brothers - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)
