How and when to explain to the child what sex is?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How and when to explain to the child what sex is and why it is needed?
Children learn sexuality just as they know the world around them: through words, actions, interactions, relationships. It is logical that the main source of knowledge for a child is an adult, be it a parent, nanny, tutor or teacher. We were more or less able to cope with shame about adult sexuality, albeit only recently - after all, half a century ago, society tried to resist innovative attempts to investigate and document human sexual activity. The question of child sexuality and sex education still instills fear and awe in many people: it’s customary to protect children from any information about sex, parents of adolescents deny their presence to the last, and anyone who tries to encroach on the forbidden territory and finally tell children something "extra" or at least to answer their questions, is considered a potential pervert. How to be in this situation, at what age and in what words to explain to your child, how the body is arranged, what is puberty, reproduction, sex and gender? How to do so in order not to prevent the formation of human sexuality and develop a healthy attitude to important issues in a child?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
If you do not want your child’s knowledge to be limited to what the friend told him or what he had read in questionable forums, then it would be nice to at least have a glimpse of when the child needs some information to avoid embarrassing conversation, when somehow completely uncomfortable and late. The process of sex education and helping the child in the formation of his sexuality can be divided into several stages.
The first is the earliest - infancy from 0 to 2 years. What happens to the child at this time? The whole process of his learning takes place through relationships with parents; At the same time, the baby has a sense of trust in them and the ability to notice the basic differences between a man and a woman. So far, the child has no tightness about nudity: he knows his body through touch and can detect spontaneous reactions that seem sexual to a parent, such as an erection. And although it seems to many that at this age the child understands little, the actions of the parent that promote healthy sexual development are very important. First of all, it is the use of correct terms to designate body parts and the formation of a “comfortable” touch - for example, if you embrace a child and it breaks out, do not use force, do not impose embrace. Gradually introduce the concept of boundaries, when the opportunity arises. For example, during bathing, changing diapers, explain that the sexual parts of our bodies are special and belong only to us, it is not customary to keep them naked, and no one has the right to touch them, except for therapeutic or hygienic purposes.
It is important to practice only comfortable for the child touch and not try to embrace him by force.
This is followed by the preschool age: from 2 to 5 years. For this period, it is normal to develop your own language to designate the genitals; Children should already understand the clear difference between a man and a woman, and can generally know where people come from. For example, that the child grows in the mother’s belly, and so on. At this age, children can touch themselves or seem to be masturbating, but in reality these are child-reassuring stereotypical actions. They can also often study the genitalia of a friend of a friend with their peers and show curiosity about the naked body of adults, for example, try to spy on a naked mom or dad. Remember that children of this age still lack the tightness about nudity, and this is normal.
However, there are signs of potentially unhealthy behavior that are worth paying attention to. This is a discussion of the details of adult sexual contact by children, the use of obscene expressions about sex and an attempt to imitate sexual contact with peers or adults, especially oral-genital contacts or attempts at anal or vaginal penetrations. What to do if you notice something similar and what is generally taught at this age? It is imperative to encourage the child to use the correct terminology to describe body parts and explain the difference between a comfortable, acceptable touch and an uncomfortable / unacceptable one. At the same time, it is important to avoid examples that touching the genitals is bad, and to the hand, for example, good, it can fix the child’s attention on the fact that touching the genitals is something forbidden and something that brings pleasant sensations.
It is very important to practice only comfortable touches for the child, that is, again, do not try to forcibly embrace him, kiss him against his will, listen to his protests, not perceiving it as a game or whims. Gradually form the concept of intimacy while washing or going to the toilet and show respect for the personal space and intimacy of the child, especially if he is naked. It is necessary to use twitching situations to teach the child the basics of sexuality: if the child asks questions, give simple and understandable answers, explain that if he likes to touch himself, then it is normal, but only being alone. In general, teach your child to respect other people's borders and personal space.
Children with whom they spoke in a timely manner on topics of interest to them, less likely to have sex at an early age.
In early school age, 5-8 years old, there is a stabilization of gender identity - that is, an understanding of the physical, behavioral, and emotional differences between men and women. For a child, a basic understanding of human reproduction (reproduction) is already normal, he can understand the difference in sexual orientation and have a basic understanding of what a transitional age is. Naturally, your child can masturbate in solitude and explore each other's genitalia with his peers (possibly with the same sex peers) by mutual agreement. At this age, there are more stable friendships and at the same time modesty towards nudity. All this is a sign of healthy behavior, and you should not worry about it. Potentially unhealthy behavior is public masturbation, public discussion of "adult" sexual contact, use of expletive vocabulary, fixing on this topic, an attempt to imitate adult sexual contact.
What to teach your child at this age? It is important to demonstrate respect for the child’s personal space, his right to privacy, and to give him a clear understanding of foreign borders and the need for privacy. It is possible and necessary to talk with the child about bodily sensations (for example, that it may be pleasant to touch someone), while simultaneously explaining what is acceptable / unacceptable in games with peers. This is the right time to talk about puberty in boys and girls. You can use the right moment to explain the features of reproduction: the child should know about butterflies and flowers no later than 9 years. Studies show that the children of those parents with whom they spoke in a timely manner on topics of interest to them, less likely to have sex at an early age.
The teenager should know that he has the right to refuse to touch anyone anywhere.
Puberty, which falls on 9-13 yearsIn the opinion of many parents, it is considered the most difficult age - including the number of "uncomfortable" questions and situations. This is the period of puberty of a person and the beginning of his physical and emotional changes. At this time, we are peculiar to the awareness of our sexual orientation, which, if not fully understood, then at least suspected, and the emergence of sexual attraction. This, of course, is accompanied by curiosity about everything that is associated with changes caused by transitional age, that which is associated with sexual desire, attractiveness, reproduction. The most difficult thing is that most often this is accompanied by a reluctance to discuss any of the above with parents. At the same time, peers acquire particular significance for the teenager, his behavior changes, and frequent mood changes occur. Go
At this time, you need to explain to him about the changes occurring in the body: hair growth, growth of the mammary glands, moisturizing of the vagina, an increase in the penis / testicles, issues of erection and pollutions. And also the fact that all this happens at different speeds and at different ages. It is necessary to talk about pregnancy and sexual intercourse, hormones and their effect on boys and girls. A teenager should know that he has the right to refuse to touch anyone anywhere. It is equally important to talk about gender roles and related stereotypes, dispel the myths of "typically male" and "typically female." Go
And finally, from 14 to 18 The most important issue is the issue of prevention and sexually transmitted diseases. Especially considering the fact that even enough adults still sometimes hear stupid things about pregnancy, ovulation, and similar physiological phenomena. Every girl should know what the menstrual cycle is, and preferably in detail. Very nice about it would be nice to know not only girls.
But in general, remember that if a child’s curiosity is not satisfied or ignored, and even more so if you forbid him to say "bad words" or shame for asking indecent questions, you form fertile ground for alienation between you and create an understanding of sexuality as secret and taboo topics. In fact, even if you hide from the child the fact that you have sex, he will still know that you are doing this, but sex is secret and shameful. Do not spoil the life of children, learn to talk with your children.