How to understand that the relationship is time to break?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to understand that the relationship is time to break?
Besides the fact that time heals from many problems, it often turns perfectly beautiful feelings into monotonous routine. Up to certain limits, this is normal - it is impossible to constantly maintain a sense of joy and novelty and experience infinite happiness. But how to understand whether your relationship undergo a temporary recession or feelings have cooled forever? How to understand that it is time to end the relationship, if nothing terrible, it would seem, did not happen, but something gnaws at you from the inside and makes you doubt?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
First of all, if you have doubts, this already indicates a problem. Try to figure out why you are in this relationship. What do they give you? No matter how selfish it may sound, relationships should be of mutual benefit. But if this benefit consists only in the fact that you do not want to be left alone, and your partner is just a way to avoid loneliness, then it’s definitely time to end this relationship. If you learn to take your loneliness yourself, being alone with yourself, then you will not need to run away from it anywhere. We come alone in this world, all the really important decisions are made by ourselves and in the same solitude we leave it. You can not try to fill this void with random people or have children for the sake of the notorious glass of water. Until you feel comfortable alone with yourself, you will be like an eternal parasite that only sucks all the juices and does not carry anything. And, by the way, a similar reason may hold your partner near you. Is it pleasant for you to be a backup option for someone in the absence of the best?
If everything is wrong and you consciously chose this relationship, or simply fell madly in love, then you will appreciate what is wrong now? When feelings no longer glow so brightly, completely different aspects come to the fore, for example, how you communicate with each other. Does your partner understand you? Do you understand him? Can you negotiate? And if you can not, then why? Maybe you have a different point of view and you are unable to reach a consensus? Or, perhaps, you always made concessions and you finally got tired of it? Or maybe your opinion does not make any difference and all decisions do not depend on you at all? If you come across any of the above - this is a serious reason to think about ending the relationship, but on the condition that you have already attempted to establish communication and they did not lead to any result. A relationship with the inability to communicate is, in principle, not a relationship, but a union of two people living in parallel realities. And the most alarming in this case, if your opinion is not just not listened to, but in every way devalued, they do not respect you, considering everything you say to be stupid. If everything has reached such a level, then it is time to break the relationship immediately, because in fact you are already undergoing psychological violence. Who can guarantee you that things will not go on?
If you put an end to your plans and dreams and live the life of your partner, then you don't live
A very close aspect to the above is when, despite the fact that you are discussing everything and understand each other in principle, your plans for life radically diverge. Let's say you dream of being a diplomat and travel around different countries, and your partner, in principle, does not like to move, plus he is set up for career growth in some Moscow office. Or you absolutely do not want children, but he dreams of at least three. Anyway, if you do not settle these global differences, things will not get off the ground and such a relationship will lead nowhere. By staying in them, you let your partner hope that someday everything will be as he wants. Once you are still with him, your plans will not be taken seriously. This implies the following point: if you put an end to your plans and dreams and live the life of your partner, then in principle you don’t live. And this is a very serious reason to think that it’s not too late to stop this relationship and start living your life at last. Again, one should not confuse such an outcome of events with jointly adopted decisions and compromises, because this is a completely different story.
Another alarming signal that something went wrong is if you are embarrassed by your partner. Perhaps this is just some trifle, say, you are worried that he is lower than you, or his sense of style does not quite suit you, or you think that he is not smart enough and can say something stupid about your friends. No matter how trivial it may seem, the fact remains that you are uncomfortable in his society. This suggests that you are not ready to accept it in principle, especially if this happens during the birth of a relationship, when at the height of emotions people do not see any flaws at all, then, I assure you, it will only get worse, stop. right now, attempts to remake a partner will only make things worse. A similar story with a mirror situation: if you notice that your partner is shy of you, does not introduce you to your friends, or even completely hides the fact of your existence from everyone, this is a reason for parting, because even if it’s not a matter of constraint, then he already has someone besides you.
And finally, if you feel unwelcome, disliked and your self-esteem is constantly creeping down, you start to look at someone else, and maybe even not only look, trying to get love and recognition that you so lack, if the whole initiative in bed comes only from you and the world has become gray and dull, it is very likely that your ship is going to the bottom. Nevertheless, in spite of all your observations and the conclusions that are being suggested, do not rush anything rashly, do not close yourself, do not block the partner’s attempts to speak out. In the end, we all have hard periods, bad mood, and something that we could not even suspect, and everyone has the right to speak at least. In extreme cases, it will help you at least part with your friends.