My son died in two months: How I went through all the stages of making grief
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome - this is an exception diagnosis. It is placed if it is proved that there was no organic basis for what happened. Evdokia Tsvetkova tells how she survived the loss of her son, who was two months old, which helps her to live further and how best not to “support” her parents who have fallen into sorrow.
Text: Evdokia Tsvetkova
Woe and acceptance
My son died at the age of two months. This phrase is still difficult for me, although several years have passed. During the walk he fell asleep (as it seemed to me), and when we got to the house, it turned out that it was not a dream. Naturally, my husband and I, both doctors, immediately began to try to reanimate him and called an ambulance. But nothing helped.
To say that it was painful to say nothing. Squeezing inner emptiness, physically felt pain in the heart, intense fear. It would seem - what else could you be afraid of? But in those days it seemed to me that the world around me was about to crumble. At night, I checked the breath of my husband, cats, when we started them, the parents with whom we lived. Death came so close and suddenly that the feeling of helplessness in front of her became all-consuming.
Since then, I have gone through all the stages of making grief. The denial did not last long, but it was painful. I felt the absence of my child with the hands on which I was accustomed to hold it. There were some strange impulses, for example, to adopt a child "right now." When I was taking medication to suppress lactation, contraindicated in pregnancy, I did a test just in case - and really wanted to see a positive result. As if my son could come back to me.
Anger was with me much longer. Infuriated mothers with children whom I saw on the street. If I saw a woman with a baby or a pregnant woman smoking, drinking alcohol or scolding a child, a wave of anger rising in me could flood a half of the continent. There was (and still remains) anger at the ambulance worker. Firstly, because it did not help (this is an irrational anger). Secondly, because almost from the threshold he decided to climb with his opinion: "Why was the child alone?" (this is not true, he was not alone). And then he said: "There is no sedative for you, it will do."
I was angry with my husband - it seemed to me that he was not going through grief as I was going through him. Of course, this was not the case, he just closed himself and for a long time could not talk about his feelings. I thought that it would be better (no, not better). I felt a tremendous anger towards myself, it was a stream of self-accusations and self-blame: “Why didn’t you look? Why didn’t you notice in time? If ...” Anger for living, and my delightful boy died.
Infant mortality It consists of several indicators. Neonatal mortality reflects the number of children who died in the first month of life, postneonatal - from one month to one year. Finally, the perinatal term is the death of the fetus, starting from the 22nd week of its development, and the newborn up to 7 days old. However, it can occur before birth, in childbirth and after them. The most common causes include asphyxia (lack of oxygen for one reason or another, such as placental abruption or umbilical cord entanglement), congenital developmental anomalies, respiratory disorders, infectious diseases, various complications of pregnancy and childbirth.
Bargain? I do not know if he was. Is that in the first minutes when I fiercely begged the Creator to take me instead of a son. Depression - in full. For several years I was in this state: a constantly depressed mood, tears could begin at any moment. It was then that I began to actively pursue science, so that there was something distracting and entertaining in life.
Before accepting what happened, close people and psychotherapy helped me to walk. Now, almost seven years later, I can say for sure that I accepted it. I did not understand, did not reconcile, did not consider it normal, did not forget (and never forget), but accepted that everything happened exactly that way.
At the stage of depression, it seemed to me that it would have been better if the son had not been born, if I had not known him at all, so that it would not hurt so much. When I accepted what happened, I was finally able to calmly talk about my experience of being a mother, without detracting from it. I had a pregnancy (beautiful, by the way) and had a son whom I was breastfeeding. I know a lot and am ready to talk about it. My experience did not become less valuable due to the fact that the son died.
How not to "help"
The topic of loss, especially the loss of a child, and especially a baby, is very poorly covered in our society - and as a result, people do not know how to live grief, are afraid to talk about it and do not know how to express sympathy. I have heard the words "nothing, young, give birth to more." Seriously? Is this the best thing you could say? And how can this, forgive me, help?
It is very unpleasant when the question “Do you have children?”, Which is generally not easy for me, should be clarified whether the child died (or it just pops up in the conversation), and the person begins to produce a stronger emotional reaction than I do. I really appreciate empathy and empathy, but such a reaction is not support. It happened that outsiders who did not experience what happened to me started crying on my shoulder, and I had to console them. It is very difficult to react to such emotions when everything is wounded inside.
There are people who like to talk on the topic "Well, when are the kids? Children are the flowers of life! Let's give birth, rather, rather, more, more!" Anyone who causes this kind of interference with someone else’s life is allergic - but in my situation I just want to trample.
In the acute phase of grief, the worst thing was because of the silence and detachment of others: her husband, relatives. The theme of the death of her son was like a taboo. And even now my parents don't talk about it, at all. I understand that not every person is able to live through the loss and allow himself to grieve - but at that moment I really needed to go through not one grief. If it were not for the psychotherapist, it would be quite bad.
As truly writes the publication “No, this is normal,” the topic of losing pregnancy and a child in the first weeks and months after birth remains closed: somehow, to articulate the experience we experienced, to include it in the public discussion is still not accepted.
What helps to live on
The psychotherapist is item number one. When grief is common, the partner cannot fully contain (psychotherapeutic term meaning the ability to endure strong emotions, one's own and others. - Note Ed.) feelings experienced. Grief rallies in the first hours and days, and then everyone experiences it in his own way. And so that there is less misunderstanding and this does not affect the relationship, the help of a specialist is very important. And, of course, when there is the strength to speak, one must begin to do it, and the support from family, partner and friends is very important. Such a loss is too complicated, it can not be experienced in silence.
It is important to stay away from toxic people. If someone in the environment reacts inadequately, asks inappropriate questions, tries to "teach life", you just need to avoid such a person. Grief and so much, why aggravate it with an external stimulus.
You need to give yourself grieving as much as you need. In this situation, you return to your feelings over and over again, immerse yourself in them, and then, when it becomes unbearable, you emerge and get distracted. It happens again and again. In a sense, this is happening to me so far. This wound will never heal.
Maybe it will seem strange, but it turned out to be effective to have a pet. I was very helped to get out of depression care about our cat and cat. Of course, this should be a conscious step, so that the animal does not suffer in the event of any changes in the plans - this is not a plush toy.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome - this is a diagnosis that is made on the basis of an autopsy (in the case of the infant’s death in Russia, it is obligatory by law), when other causes of death are excluded. The cause of SIDS is still unknown, although there are many theories: genetic mutations, subtle, but significant disorders of brain development and the so-called triple risk theory, which implies a coincidence of developmental disorders of a child’s brain, a critical period of development and the presence of an external stress factor. SIDS is actively studied - currently 55 studies are underway in different countries.
That is why I really do not advise having children again after the incident. It is impossible to try to plug the hole that has formed in the shower in this way - a new child may suffer from it. From the fact that it will forever be compared with the ideal. From the fact that he will grow under the pressure of parental fears for his life.
And it's important to talk about all this publicly. First, there are still ways to prevent ADHD (although sometimes, as in our case, despite all the measures taken, irreparable happens). Secondly, I want people to understand that this happens. And the people with whom this happened should not be outcasts in the "society of mourners" - as if such a loss is not serious. We are no less than any person in whose life something really bad happened, we want - at least sometimes - to talk about it, simply and calmly, without fear of too emotional reactions or attempts to change the subject. Not for long, without a tearful drama, just talk.
Since it is not known exactly why SIDS occurs, all attempts to prevent it are based on observational data. These data indicate that it is very important to protect the sleep of the child as much as possible. Safe to Sleep strategy includes a number of rules that help minimize the risk, although, unfortunately, they do not eliminate it completely:
put the child on his back during sleep;
use a hard mattress covered with a sheet on an elastic band, and do not allow the child to sleep on a soft surface;
sleep in one bedroom with a child, but not in the same bed (or follow the rules of sleeping together - one child with one adult, without pillows and blankets, on a hard mattress);
ensure that during sleep the child has nothing on his head and face;
Do not put pillows and blankets on the child’s bed and do not use soft “bumpers”; instead of a blanket - warm pajamas or a sleeping bag;
eliminate passive smoking;
if possible, feed with breast milk;
inform all family members and friends about these rules.
Photo: igor_kell - stock.adobe.com (1, 2), georgemuresan - stock.adobe.com