Why is it harder to make friends in adulthood?
You know the feeling ecumenical loneliness, which attends even after the most fun parties and long conversations with friends? If so, then most likely you lack real friends, to whom you can be what you are, not afraid to appear weak or mediocre. The problem is that with age it makes it harder to make friends - at least that's what is considered to be. Laura Yang found out from the experts what the reason why many adults feel lonely and how to be friends at any age.
We can distinguish both external and internal blocks that impede friendly relations. In the external, you can include the lack of free time. At the age of 30 and 40, people are faced with serious obligations, such as the need to raise children and take care of aging parents. In other words, in adulthood, there is simply not enough time to look for new friends and build relationships with them. Another important external factor is the place of residence. Unlike students in college or university, people 30-40 years old are most often living with their families or alone. Communes (dormitories, for example) contribute to the development of friendly relations and social activity in general. But the choice of residence for adults is small, so they need to look for friends outside the home.
The internal blocks are generally more complicated and dictated in many respects by cultural norms, but they are as strong as the external ones. For example, many of us believe that in order to be successful, we must acquire all the necessary friends by the age of 30 or 40. If we feel lonely in the middle of life, this is most often regarded as a personal failure. This harmful belief causes shame that prevents us from making friends. It is hoped that such cultural norms will begin to change, especially since an increasing amount of research shows that the middle of life is the longest time for most of us. It should not be so, because intimacy is equally possible at any age, and external and internal blocks can be completely overcome.
In childhood and youth, friendship seemed to be something automatic: we talked at recess, were in the same squad in the camp, played on the same streets, and lived in the same university dormitories. But it is not. Friendship happened because of consistency: we played in the yard with the same company, we fell asleep in dormitories in the camp, and it was cheaper to live in a hostel than to rent an apartment. Total time together was what was automatic, not friendship.
So if it’s more difficult to make friends as an adult, it’s because we have to prioritize to see specific people. Yes, we can assume that we are becoming selective, we have more stress, or that we need to communicate with people with whom there is a certain coincidence in our views on life. But in fact, despite all these circumstances and limitations, we can make friends - if we spend time together. A large amount of research says that we are mistaken when we consider that only a person with similar interests can become a friend. They can be the one who regularly spends time with us. We are attached precisely to the one with whom we often and periodically meet - that is why we are sometimes friends with colleagues who we would not make friends with in other circumstances.
Constancy is one of the requirements of a healthy relationship, which not every adult can do, because in order to have a reason to see oneself often, one must already have some kind of intimacy. There are two ways out: to initiate and create conditions for constant communication or to join some organization where such constancy has already been provided, for example, to the church, to some interest club, co-working, etc. When we join such organizations, we have there will already be a regular schedule of meetings and a chance to improve relations, which can then work outside this enterprise. But if you do not like a variety of meetings, you will have to take the initiative and seek meetings on your own. Moreover, it is constant, because friendship cannot exist without regular communication. We may like to spend time together, but if you do not communicate often, friendship will not appear. The key to building friendships is finding time for a person.
According to Aristotle, to become a true friend, you need to know a person for a while. According to this logic, friends with whom you made friends at a young age and who knew you while you grew and developed are the only people who know you well. In youth and early maturity, friends are not so important, because then a person pays more attention to his partner, family and work. But later, when it becomes easier with work, and children do not want our presence in their lives, friends become necessary.
When friends start to die or drift away, we may feel that we can never make friends like at school, or simply lose all the necessary social skills. Friendship requires emotional effort, sometimes even physical. With age, it may be harder to make such efforts — but that’s why it’s equally important. It must be remembered that new friends can appear regardless of our age. People with friends are happier, healthier and even live longer.
I think the case for the most part is that many adults do not give themselves the opportunity to make new friends. The life of an adult person is often based on the "home-work-home" scenario. If they are doing something away from home, then it’s some kind of thing together with their partner, family or old friends. Children have a different way: most of them are involved in various activities, such as the sports section, choir, theater group, where there is a chance to meet new people. If a child does not have extracurricular activities, there are still more chances for new acquaintances, if only because people in classes, schools and universities are not always the same. So, when a client who is interested in this topic comes to me as a coach, I ask him how he spends his free time. If not where there is an opportunity to meet, I try to gently push to start meeting with a group of people once or twice a week.
In most cases, such a simple tactic is enough, but not only in this case. In the end, many people are actively trying to make friends, and they do not leave. I think because with age we learn to hide our real feelings, emotions and thoughts. When I was a child, I told my friends my secrets, I could cry with them if I felt sadness or melancholy. I was not afraid to call someone my best friend and let the person know that he means a lot to me. But with age, I learned to build barriers. I realized that people can reject me, that secrets sometimes blurt out. And a refined version of itself to flaunt is not so scary, because there is less risk of being rejected or in an awkward situation. And it is easier to go to parties and have fun with your filtered “me” - true, then you have to go home and feel lonely there because no one knows the real me.
Don't get me wrong: everyone needs to build walls around them from time to time. You may not want to tell your friends the deepest secrets, do not necessarily cry in front of the boss who harshly criticizes your work. Part of maturity is the ability to build these walls. But even the strongest locks had gates - otherwise people would starve at them. Imaginary walls around themselves should also have gates that would open to the people we chose. That's exactly what many adults forget about: we often either close ourselves from everyone, or reveal ourselves to everyone, even people who are not trustworthy. This is the reason why adults find it harder to make friends.
The main thing that I would advise those who want to make friends is to become a friend for at least one person. Show him that you are the person to whom you can fearlessly reveal yourself, that you are really interested in his personality and that you will not reject or betray him. Let it gradually unfold before you, do not push it and begin to trust yourself symmetrically. If you do (no matter how old you are), I think you will realize that making friends is not that difficult.
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