"Never regretted": Women about why they quickly divorced
The number of divorces in Russia in recent years has slightly decreased., but still remains high: according to Rosstat, in 2016 there were 608,336, or 4.1 per thousand people. According to statistics, couples who have been married for five to nine years most often diverge. Those who have been married less than a year are less likely to get divorced - but such situations always arouse particular interest: why did people part so quickly? What became a catalyst? Why did not it work out to build relationships and solve problems? We talked with four women about why their marriage collapsed at the very beginning.
My first marriage was a catastrophe - now I remember him with a sense of shame and awkwardness. I was twenty three years old. We met Kolya in the newspaper’s editorial office, where I tried to get a job, and he conducted an interview. Received a task from him, and when completed, we agreed to drink coffee together. Two days later, I moved to live with my future husband in a rented apartment - and eventually settled in another place as a PR manager.
We got married in two months. The wedding was modest, the two people went to the registry office, and then loudly sat with friends in a cafe. Divorced after three months. It was some kind of crazy passion with the same incredible hangover. During these five months, we changed two apartments, organized twenty parties, received countless guests. I still can not believe that I was able to live in such a rhythm. I do not remember a single evening, which we would have spent at home together.
This marriage ended with my message, let's be frank, unfamiliar husband that he stopped loving me. We went for a divorce together, then sat in a cafe, then Kolya brought me a passport with a seal of divorce. I did not even get upset. At heart, she understood that she did not meet his expectations, was too insecure, too "provincial", too helpless. I learned this lesson well: no one will help you to get on your feet until you do it yourself. You need to get married after you have been realized, when you are able to give and help, and not to take. Nevertheless, eighteen years after those events, I am still grateful to my first husband.
Why do people get divorced in the first year? In my experience, early maturing marriages and unions, which immature people enter, are crumbling. But this is only my case: I think that other people will have other explanations. In general, such meetings happen, short but bright - it seems to me that even a “bad” experience is still an experience that can teach a lot. As for my story, I am sure: everything turned out the way it should have been.
I consider myself a happy woman. Now I am married for the third time. My second marriage lasted ten years, my ex-husband and I are good friends, we raise a daughter together and support each other.
My future husband and I met six years, began to live together four years later. Long avoided the issue of marriage, but closer to the seventh year of relations, he stood up straight: either we separate, or we go further hand in hand and have children. Could not part. We had a wedding, had a wonderful honeymoon. Did I have doubts about marriage? Rather, the experience: my parents did not like him, he played a lot of computer games, but the ease of our communication won over.
After the wedding began weekdays. And if I did not transform into another creature (after all, technically, I was the same wife all six years: I washed, cleaned, cooked), then my husband “led”. He began to say often: “The lawful spouse is waiting for the house, but there is no fresh food,” “The head of the family is waiting for you, and you are with friends.” Although it was considered normal before marriage: I played KVN in the men's team, I constantly disappeared at some parties. And then suddenly everything - the old life collapsed, and it was unbearably painful for me to part with freedom. I considered our couple harmonious, and the changes in the behavior of my husband were unpleasantly unexpected: he had never behaved like that before.
I'm sick of it after six months, and a year later we officially issued the separation. I didn’t care about the stamp in my passport, but it’s very. He said that if he won the lottery, we would have to share the winnings. But, I think, behind this answer, there was some kind of internal pain that he could not tell about. Although who knows. For me, divorce was the logical conclusion of our story, I reacted calmly to it.
I have not regretted the decision even once. I got acquainted with another man who also now divorced his wife. We communicate with her ex-husband easily and naturally - just like we did before marriage. But the relationship of speech can not be.
I met my husband at work, two years later we began to live together: first in a rented apartment, and then with relatives, since he was on regular business trips. Marriage for us was the first step towards resolving the housing issue: either exchange my apartment or take a mortgage. And, moreover, to demonstrate to the relatives the seriousness of intentions.
When we got married, we were thirty years old, the relationship was good. After we moved in with relatives. It seemed to me that the marriage should impose responsibility on the husband, but he made it clear that he did not want to change anything: neither to make elementary repairs, nor to sell the living space. When we got married, he relaxed a lot, started drinking. It was unpleasant for me that when I leave for a business trip, he drinks - even it was embarrassing to go back home. He had done it before, but it seemed to me that after the wedding, everything would change.
I was disappointed for several months, drop by drop. There was a time when I left for a business trip and my mother asked her husband to leave because he was locked in a room and did not open. We wanted to rent an apartment again, but there was no money. He said that they will not, because he does not want to move to another job.
We divorced in six months. This process was painful for her husband: we were together for a long time and he felt that I was a native person for him. At trial, he was not - went on a business trip. Now I think that maybe it would be worth trying to save the family. It seems to me that for many couples this happens in about a year: the illusions disappear, and here we must either learn to look for resources, or remove the stamp from the passport.
I have been in another marriage for three years now, with our current husband we had a daughter. And I’m ready to fight for this relationship.
We met our future husband on a dating site, we met in person a week later, and we started living together about a year later. But the problems that we had at the beginning of the relationship remained at the end. There were several of them. The first is that before our meeting he did not live on his own, only with his parents. He called them a hundred times: "I ate, went there and then." And for many years I lived alone and could solve all domestic issues myself.
The second - he drank. And not as usual - to sit in the company, to have a rest (yes, at least every Friday - half the country lives like this, not scary). He had this problem: he could get drunk, disappear, and in the morning friends brought him home. No one understood why this was happening. Once at a birthday party at my friend, he got very drunk - he fell asleep at the table, hiccupped, laughed very loudly. I was so ashamed. After that, the relationship with that friend disappeared, and I lost other friends. And third, it did not work. Although, it would seem, when I began to communicate with him, he did not drink, did not smoke, and went in for sports. True, then he did not have a permanent place, but there were at least some part-time jobs.
Why are we married? I have been with him for so many years, invested so much in this relationship and did not represent anyone else nearby. It seemed to me that it was bad with him, but at least he didn’t seem to change, and all right. I wanted a serious relationship so much that I grabbed the first person who treated me humanly. But the main criterion was this: I'm twenty-five years old, it's time to have children. True, after the wedding I had a hormonal failure, I was on pills for a year, so I could not physically get pregnant.
In marriage, nothing has changed. We were together for five years, the turning point was when one day I was driving home from work and called my husband - and I understood from the voice that he was drunk. I drove up to the house and saw that he was hiding behind his neighbor's Gazelle. I called his parents (I did this from time to time - they were aware of what was happening), said to my father: "Should I get up early, can you take him home so that he can spend the night with you?" He replied: "Your husband is not a suitcase without a handle to carry it back and forth, sort it out yourself." I realized that now I don’t have any support - I got together and went to my mother over eighty kilometers.
When she took things, she told her husband that she was applying for something to stir up some emotions — she didn’t care that I was leaving. In the end, I moved and waited for him to apologize, as usual. And he took my departure as a betrayal, he began to call me: "Let's pay a fee, let's go submit an application." Filed. The day before the divorce, he called me drunk: "Think about it, if you have any feelings." That is, did not offer anything, did not promise. I came for a divorce, but he is not.
The first four months after the dissolution of the marriage, I had a feeling that I was on vacation: the body “woke up”, I saw life in pink, did not want a serious relationship (and the former husband, by the way, started living with the girl a month later). At twenty-five, I was worried that I would be alone, and at twenty-seven, I didn’t care. I thought that I would be better off alone than with him. And never regretted that she had divorced.
Photo:ILYA AKINSHIN - stock.adobe.com, picsfive - stock.adobe.com