True adoption: Mothers of foster children about how to tell them about it
New Children in families today appear easier than ever before. Someone is faithful to "tradition", someone resorts to assisted reproductive technologies, and someone decides to adopt a child. Adoption theme, however, still remains stigmatized, and to confess in adoption to the child himself is an event that requires readiness and a certain courage. We talked with different women who adopted children, about their experiences and how to talk with their foster child about his past.
The first time this question arose when Vova was three years old and his younger sister Yolka was born. Before that, she had been in my stomach for quite a long time, and Vova asked once at breakfast: "The Christmas tree was in your stomach, right?" I say yes". “And I, therefore, was in Sveni’s stomach,” was his other mother, to which I honestly answered no: “You were in the stomach of another woman, but she could not be a mother, so you needed others Mom, and we took you. " That's all, this answer was clear to him, and for some time we did not discuss it as something unusual.
As Vova grew up, he had questions about who his mother was, what I know about her. At some point he wanted very much, I think, to learn something about his mother, but she was simply no longer alive. And while he was small, he asked why she could not be his mother, and I explained why it was she who could not take care of him. At first I said that there are different situations, and in general - not all women can be mothers. Sometimes a woman has a child in her belly, but she, for example, is sick, or she has very few years, or she has absolutely no money and no one can help her - these are all the reasons why a woman can leave her child, and then the child need another mom. And when Vova became more mature, I explained that his mother was very sick, and when he became quite an adult, she said that she had AIDS.
Not that I thought that there could be any secrets in the family - of course, they can be, and even should be. But with the adoption it was initially clear that you will need to talk about it. I wrote quite a lot about adoption, and it was completely clear to me that any situation where there are people outside the family who know something that, in your opinion, the child should not know, will end badly. In our case, both the neighbors, and all the relatives, and all the friends knew, so the question - whether to tell or not - was not at all. But in the opposite case, it would hardly have occurred to me to conceal from Vova that he was adopted.
Is it possible to hide the fact of adoption from a child? I cannot decide for other people, everything in life is possible, and there are no ready-made recipes and answers at all. It seems to me, however, that these people do not provide for some things, in particular, diseases, which means that some things that, as medical genetics develops, will be revealed quite routinely. For example, your child grows up, gets sick, they make a genetic analysis for him, and suddenly - oh! - It turns out that you are not relatives.
We, by the way, had such a story when it was necessary to understand what was going on with Vovka. In general, everything was in order, but we were concerned that he was growing very slowly. By this time he was already a very conscious young man, and I needed the doctors to explain his family medical history. That would be unpleasant if it was at this moment that I had to announce to him - all of a sudden - that I was not genetically connected with him. And, by the way, it would be a great temptation not to deal with this problem at all and say: "Well, look, Vova, I am short and you are short." I do not think at all that there is any one true way. For our family, this was the right decision, but if someone turns out differently and everyone is happy, well, fine.
Did the law prohibiting adoption by Americans affect us? You know, I am a politically involved journalist, we, naturally, discuss everything at home, and this disgusting law as well. But for us the story of the so-called propaganda of homosexuality has become much more useful. For our family, it was a three-step story. Shortly before the adoption of the law banning propaganda Milonov (Vitaly Milonov - State Duma deputy, then the Petersburg parliament. - Ed.) spoke in "Komsomolskaya Pravda" in the sense that Americans only want to adopt our children and raise them in perverted families, like Masha Hessen. Here, I confess, my hair stood on end, and I contacted a lawyer - with a question, they say, this is my paranoia, or does it seem to me right that it's time to worry? He said that the answer to your question is at the airport. This law is a signal for the guardianship authorities, which, in fact, do not need any additional laws to deal with the child. And nobody cares that twelve years have passed since adoption.
It was in March, in June a law was passed to ban adoption, and a week later it was adopted - in a completely illegal manner, as an amendment - a ban on adoption by same-sex couples, and also by single people from countries where same-sex marriage was legalized. There is no legal sense in such a law - it is clear that the courts still never gave gay couples children, and at that time, by June 2013, virtually all foreign adoptions were already prohibited.
But for us personally it certainly did matter - it was clear that such a law has retroactive effect, in Russia there are no problems with the cancellation of adoption, and the main problem is that this decision can be made in the absence of the so-called defendant. That is, we could one day wake up and find out that the adoption has been canceled. It was a very real scenario. And the difference between children and adults is that the real scenario, regardless of how likely it is, is already a disaster. Children do not accept any risk. Therefore, five days after the adoption of the law, we put Vova on a plane, and he flew off to study at a boarding school in America, and over the next six months, we also got together and left Russia. They took Vovka from the orphanage, he began to live at home, and our house was already there. Therefore, returning to your question, yes, we quite painfully perceived this lawmaking with the whole family - so much so that we even left. What, I must say, unspeakably happy.
I developed an attitude towards the secret of adoption after I learned that I myself was adopted. My blood parents were deprived of parental rights when I was three years old. When I was five years old, I was adopted, and although I have memories of two years, I managed to keep the secret of adoption. I learned the truth at the age of twenty-one, and it turned out that it was very hard for an adult to change the current self-image, it’s hard to accept that all this reality has a direct relationship to you. But, on the other hand, in something it became much easier for me, I felt happier and generally happy that everything was revealed.
In 2008, I created in the LiveJournal a "Community of Adult Adopted People" as a platform where grown-up adoptive children can talk about themselves, their feelings and needs. Some of them said they felt their life with a secret fake, unreal. Most were looking for information about their origin, about blood parents, some, having found out their name and date of birth before adoption, sought their return in their documents. As a result, I came to the conclusion that it was ideal to adopt with the consent of the child himself, so that he would not have the feeling that someone had disposed of his life and that nothing depended on him. Now, according to Russian laws, adopted children cannot get access to archives with information about their origins without the consent of the adoptive parents. That is, even adult persons with legal capacity do not have the right to know their own name after birth and the names of their ancestors, like everyone else. We are trying to make changes to this law.
In 2005, I myself became a foster mom. And since then I have been looking at adoption and custody on both sides. My adopted son is already fifteen years old, we had no secrets, I tried never to deceive him. When he was four years old, his story was told on an album with photographs, starting with the earliest we could find, through the story of our acquaintance and beyond. As you grow and get older, new questions and answers are added. From time to time I explained the features of adoption to Stepan and asked if he needed this. Now he did not want adoption (he is under guardianship), he does not see the point, he loves and respects his own surname. I think there are still a lot of questions ahead, and the lack of secrecy is good because we can always talk, and if there are any problems, find a solution.
The moment of revelation was not, perhaps, with any of my adopted daughters. The eldest is clear that I am the second mother, there is a past life. At first, she could even say with a challenge: “And we have in an orphanage ...” At first the words “we have” left, then the words “orphanage”, then it became “there, for a long time, in Russia” (we live in Italy), yes and that, she speaks about it without special hunting. Partly, she herself does not want to talk about it, partly saves me, knows that it can be unpleasant for me. Somehow we walked along the street in Venice, she saw some equestrian monument and exclaimed: "Oh!" I say: "What?" - "No no nothing". And so we suffered for half an hour, she repudiated, and then said: "It will be unpleasant for you." It turned out that in the city of N there was an equestrian monument - apparently, it reminded her of something, but she felt that it might be unpleasant for me.
Do children communicate with each other on these topics? Of course not. These are two different stories. They never lived together except in our family. The story of their appearance in my family is quite difficult. I spent a very long time and hard working on the adoption process of the eldest, watched her for a long time, went to this for a long time, and when this test came to an end, when the procedure of deprivation of parental rights ended, it turned out that her younger sister was born. I learned about this in the course of the play and was completely unprepared for it.
Of course, I had doubts! I was at least scared. No one was prepared for the fact that I will have two more children at once. And our system of adoption is designed in such a way that it requires that during adoption you take away all siblings - at least there will be five, at least ten. That is, to separate them into different orphanages is not a problem, but as soon as the adopter appears, he must assemble the entire team. And I know many cases when adoptive parents simply refused, having learned that they have to take care of more children than planned.
In general, I decided to meet, I thought that a little girl would easily enter the family, which is probably important for my eldest daughter Gerda, that she would be with her sister. It so happened that it was love at first sight; I even remember how the nurse said a bit reproachfully, something like, "Oh, finally, she came!" - taking me for her own mother, who thought better of it. Everything in my life happened very swiftly, and I confess that sometimes I have to make the most effort to remember that they are receiving. It happens that I prepare them a birthday present and remember to myself: “So, when I was born Arisha, it seems, after dinner?” And, trying to recall the details of these genera, I suddenly realize: “Oh! ...” In general, the memory works rather surprisingly in this sense. So it's hard to even start this conversation.
The younger one categorically does not want to know anything, moreover, she very sharply reacts to every attempt at a conversation, immediately stops him: “No, I was born in your tummy”. It's hard, so much so that I see that there is something very traumatic for her in this topic. I tried to somehow start a conversation, as explained in smart books, that "not all babies are born right away in mom’s tummy, it so happens that moms find their children later." To this she stubbornly retorts: "Yes, I know, but I was born in your tummy." Point. This is akin to talking about where children come from at all: to go against, to charge the child with information for which he is not ready - I think this is wrong. To her, my youngest, this connection with me is important, and she formulates it in this way. In addition, each conversation about her childhood she begins with the words: "But I was little, I was three years old ..." - everything starts with three years, from the moment when I appeared in her life.
There are also times when she may ask: "Did I have a nipple?" I often answer such questions in such difficult situations: “Do you think you had a nipple? Probably, all small children have nipples” - this helps not to divert the conversation into an unnecessarily traumatic plane. Of course, I was very theoretically savvy, but in practice everything turned out quite differently. And we have a very strong bond with the younger Arisha, and these memories are painful not only for her, but for me as well. I was not at all ready for this.
In theory, of course, I understand everything, but what to answer, for example, to a direct statement: "Oh, mom, how good I was in your tummy!" - here I am completely lost. To say no at this moment would be to deny the message of such statements. After all, it is not a fact, but a manifestation of affection and love. At this moment, say: "You know, everything is fine, but ..." - I do not find strength in myself. I go around with formulations that mean much more to us, like: "Nobody remembers how it was in the tummy, but now how good we are together." I quietly prepare the soil. But I do not understand how to approach this, each time it is very difficult conversations.
Previously, I very categorically believed that you can not hide anything. And now I am well versed in the mechanism of this defensive reaction. It is clear that any lie to a close person does not lead to good. Yes, you can take care of something for the time being, you can carefully approach this topic, but it is not true that such fundamental things are impossible. It is clear that this lie is felt, crushes, and on both sides. But now I can understand how great this temptation is. After all, this story is always tragic for a child - an adopted person in the past has great sorrow. And it works not only in the sense that it is mine, only my child. When you become the parent of such a child, you want to go back to the past and retroactively protect it from these adversities - this is the maternal instinct. I think that part of the denial syndrome lies precisely in this plane: you want a child, whom you already perceive as your own, to shield from this grief.
By the time of adoption, we already had two children, and we had long been discussing the possibility of expanding the family in this way. The main motive was that there are children who need a family, and there are parents who have the opportunity to take the child. If people who are doing well won't adopt children, then who will adopt them? We decided that we could well accept the child to the family, filed the documents, went to the database operator of children deprived of parental care, and we wrote out a referral. So we first saw our youngest son. He is now nine years old. We are very happy that we have it, and it has become part of the family. He has a very good relationship with older children, even more harmonious than the older ones among themselves. In general, it seems to me that a family of three children is much better balanced than of two.
Fears accompany any motherhood: heightened anxiety is the way nature provides kids with the care and attention of parents. The adopted child in this respect is not simpler and more complicated than the bloodlines; simply the life start of our children is often further complicated by the consequences of a difficult prenatal period, hereditary factors, experience in an institution or a dysfunctional family. Many of these difficulties are completely surmountable, others are not, but in any case, you will probably have to invest a lot of strength and attention in the adopted child.
We never hid from the child the story of his appearance in the family, from infancy it was mentioned as a given with him, and I do not remember a special moment when he first realized this fact. In early childhood, we encouraged and stimulated his questions and discussion on the topic of adoption, read books and watched films about foster children. Unfortunately, little is known about his son's biological parents, so I have nothing to answer for many of his questions.
I have always tried to discuss the topic of adoption in a more neutral manner, since for a child, it already represents an emotional minefield. This is sometimes not so easy, but the violent reaction of foster parents can lead to the fact that the child closes and loses the opportunity to ventilate their feelings. You can theoretically prepare for this, but when the son sadly asks, "Well, why didn't my mother want me?" or crying hysterically, "I am not worthy of living in your family," it is always like a sudden storm, to which one must be prepared even with a cloudless sky. Now this topic arises in our conversations infrequently, and I no longer call him to such discussions - on the threshold of puberty, it seems to me important to direct all efforts to strengthen our connection.
We took Maxim from the child’s house when he was not one year old. У нас не было торжественного разговора об усыновлении, когда вся семья садится за большой стол и папа дрожащим голосом говорит: "Сын! Тебе уже пять, и мы с мамой (которая трясётся как осиновый лист) решили сказать тебе правду (страшную). Тебя родили не мы!" Мне кажется, чем меньше пафоса, тем лучше для всех.
Мы об усыновлении говорим с самого начала, ровно так, как в кровных семьях говорят о рождении. Это для нас, взрослых, вопрос "кто родил?" насущный, мы выросли в парадигме, где ты обязательно появляешься из маминого живота, и сбой этой программы воспринимается как катастрофа. Усыновлённому младенцу всё равно, откуда он. Он дома. All his feelings, his body, his little experience, his whole life tells him that he has a dad, he has a mom, he has safety.
Talking about adoption is difficult for us. And here there are two options: either you understand with yourself and offer the child a picture of the world where it is normal to adopt, usually and well, or you transfer all your inner drama to him in a package. It’s impossible to lie and twist, because children understand best what we are silent about. I knew that it would be difficult for me, like any man in the street. Therefore, I started with a lullaby, which probably gave a start to my poetic career. I came up with a song in which we searched and found Max, and, while I was making it up, I calmed down a bit. She sang to him, and at the same time to herself, the voice grew stronger. Since then, I have believed that it is necessary to begin in infancy.
When the guy began to think more, showed him photos from the child’s home: here we come, take you home. Here are two more children taken away. So I legalized the child’s home. Then Max rose to questions about childbirth and tummies, but here I was firm and serene. She said: mostly children are born immediately to their mothers, but you were born with adventures. Another aunt bore you, and we very quickly found you, recognized you and took you away. At six years old, if your life is calm and carefree, bionicles and ninjas are much more relevant to the details of procreation.
To speak about adoption, in my opinion, it is necessary, as well as about other good, difficult and happy things. Usually they are silent about the fact that it is embarrassing, dirty, bad, and there is nothing embarrassing in adoption, this is an absolutely correct matter. I know that there is such a motive for silence as “protecting the child himself”, but this, in my opinion, says that for you the adopted child is not equal to the blood one, and when the truth comes out into the world, this will be a problem. Hid - so ashamed? Being a foster shame?
There are three children in our family now. The son of the blood of twenty-one, the average daughter, who is under care, is almost sixteen, the youngest (adopted) in June will be five years. In June, we have two Stork Days - the dates when foster children come to the family. The average is the first stork day, the youngest - the fourth.
Now there is a popular belief among adoptive parents and psychologists that the secret of adoption is a very dangerous practice. I'm sure of it too. The problem is that it is very rarely possible to keep this secret and not to run into the "well-wishers." What do you think, what is a beloved child who does not know other parents, to hear in a kindergarten from a nanny: "Mom, I suppose you are scolded? You are her non-native." Or from a wonderful neighbor? Or from mommy on the playground? Options for the sea. And then the child turns on the logic: “If they didn’t tell me, then it’s a secret. So they hid from me. Why hide something that is normal? So, something isn’t normal with me? Or are they ashamed that I’m not native that's why they don't tell anyone? So they are ashamed of me? Am I bad? " With such luggage and confusion in the shower, the child is very hard. And at times heavier than a teenager, who already has relations with the outside world is more tense and sensitive.
Therefore, I am sure that the child should be aware of the adoption. The question here is in the filing and age. For example, we did not discuss this topic with our youngest daughter, because it’s just hard for us to imagine how to start this conversation without a leading question from her side. Optimally here is a discussion of a pregnant lady met on the street: "Why does my aunt have such a belly? And does she have a baby in her belly? And I also had you in your belly?" - "No, you were in the belly of another aunt," - and so on. From this point you can already gently taxi. But our daughter is still not interested.
Professionals believe that the optimal age for such information is six to seven years. I suppose that everyone is different. And the curiosity of the children is different, and the opportunity is turned up at different times. The most unpleasant thing that can happen in our situation is if someone has time to enlighten the child earlier. And not at all in the form in which it is worth doing.
The decision to take the girl came to us not immediately. At work, I became involved with foster families, communicated with many experts in the field of child psychology. I "got infected", I realized that I have a resource for this, and I shared this idea with my husband. I am very proud of him and thank him for his support, for his understanding, for his desire to help and take responsibility. Of course, raising children, and adoptive children in particular, is a team matter. We are always and throughout the gang in the good sense of the word.
Tusya-Natusya has been at home for seven months, just the other day she was five years old. She never lived in a family, at home - she is a typical child "from the system". Adaptation is still ongoing, and it consists of the smallest details: from how scary it is to step on the bare sand on the sea sand, to understanding the social roles of mothers, fathers, daughters, and sisters that are so natural to domestic children. When I took the child, I was convinced that no matter how old he was, I would tell him only the truth - according to age development, of course. Hiding the origin of the child is absolutely meaningless, it destroys the whole life history, self-consciousness.
Tusya asks a lot of questions about how little nine-year-old Danya was and what she was like. From the very beginning, I explained to her that I wanted a daughter and I was looking for her in this “pink group” (as she calls her orphanage) that the children in the family appear differently, but they love them very much and equally. At this age, apparently, this information is enough for her. She, of course, tries to portray herself in my stomach, which is usually for children who have found a family. It is necessary to get something that was not given at a certain age.
Everything is very individual, but the worst, as it seems to me, when a child learns the truth in adolescence. He and so hard, you need to understand yourself. And here comes the knowledge. I would feel deeply offended, because people whom I trusted, it turns out, they deceived me all my life.
My daughter came to me as a teenager, we, along with her fifteen years. So I did not have to tell me that I did not give birth to her. But we had to talk a lot about the topic of blood parents, of course. All these are painful topics, and they need to be legalized, to be voiced, in order to stop being ill and that a person does not feel separate from the other world. With whom, if not with a close one, to go through this separation?
Separateness is fixed when the topic lives, as it were, "in the shadow." We remember much more than it seems, and in the preverbal period, the memory of the body seals in itself all of our past. The sooner the truth about how everything was told, the better. The child does not have a starting point yet - what is right, what is not. Best of all, if a calm mother's voice becomes a reference point for him, saying that yes, it happens that you were born to your mother, but she could not bring you up, and I became your mother, I found you and I love you.
The only clear rule - the truth should not kill. That is, it should not be cruel, but endured, by age. First fairy tales, then simple answers to all the natural questions: "How did I come into the world? Did you carry me in your stomach too?" Fairy tales are necessary for both the child and the parent to remove the taboo on this topic. After all, if mom's voice vibrates when she talks about “that woman,” the flor of anxiety and wrongness is impressed much more clearly than words.
The more secrets, the more stress in the family, the greater the sense of disunity and lies. This can not affect the life of the family, the child, its proximity to you, openness, courage and confidence. Pity the child, give him a chance not to be ashamed of yourself. There is nothing to be ashamed of: neither the adoptive nor the blood mother does not cancel each other by the very fact of existence. The story of my daughter is richer than the story of a child growing up in a family since birth, and this is her story. She deserves to be told.