Can the proc come out of an open relationship?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
Can the proc come out of an open relationship?
People are usually divided into those who are in a relationship, and those who are not in them. Meanwhile, even on Facebook in the column "Marital status" there is an exciting point "in an open relationship." It turns out that the situation is not uncommon, where the partners believe that they are together, but allow each other to have sex on the side. Is this relationship model viable? How long can she hold out before jealousy and resentment begin? Or, on the contrary, is she able to solve the problems of loving couples who lack something with each other?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
First I would like to define the terms. Open relationships are those in which two people want to be together, not in a monogamous relationship, necessarily by mutual agreement. The remaining clauses, in principle, depend on the contract of the parties. Say, it’s not at all a fact that both parties should be polygamous, it happens that someone wants to remain monogamous and is so comfortable for him. Also, in principle, it is not necessary that in such a relationship were exactly two people, there may be more. For example, three people will be listed in the main relationship, and other partners in the secondary. The main thing is not to confuse it with polyversion - when, for example, the same three partners agreed to be together, but no connections other than that are allowed.
The term “open relations” is also often equated with polyamory, or polyamorous relations, but the latter imply a person’s ethical system of views on love as a whole rather than a single agreement in some kind of individual relationship. It implies that a person, in principle, admits the possibility of the existence of love for several people at the same time and the prospect of creating full-fledged relations with all of them, with the important reservation that all participants should be aware of what is happening and approve of what is happening. Go
So that everything is not completely confused, in the future the discussion will nevertheless concern the couple and the pros and cons of open relations. The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that most monogamous couples break up due to the betrayal of one of the partners. Why is this happening? If we immediately throw aside the myth that a man is polygamous by nature, all the same, partners often have to deal with the fact that their libido does not coincide. Accordingly, one of the partners whose libido is stronger is unsatisfied, which often leads to betrayal. There is also such a fact known to sexologists that with the degree of increasing intimacy and trust in a couple the sexual attractiveness of partners for each other decreases. Because sexuality in our consciousness is associated with uncertainty, unpredictability, aggression, and a loved and long-lasting person has everything diametrically opposed, which does not promote sexuality.
Thus, there is the first and most obvious plus of free relations: they allow you to “get” from the outside what one partner may be missing, and, due to a certain diversity, they help to warm up the sexual interest of partners to each other. And considering the fact that betrayal can be not only purely physical, but also moral, the initial assumption of the fact that a person is able to love more than one person, and at the same time everyone sincerely, again creates the prerequisite that such a relationship will not collapse. love. Undoubtedly, it is convenient to be in an open relationship, being in a relationship at a distance. Frankly, that often in such relationships additional connections appear, but no one talks about them. So isn’t it better to agree honestly about everything so that you don’t have to make excuses when you accidentally reveal facts?
The committed childfree or people with already grown up children are much more comfortable in these relations.
If everything is so beautiful and radiant, why doesn't everyone try to enter into an open relationship? The biggest obstacle is the jealousy and possessive feelings so characteristic of many of us. Often, even if it initially seemed that all the pitfalls are discussed and you can easily and easily relate to parallel connections, the reality may take you by surprise. That is, at that moment, as the first open communication "on the side" appears, you lose self-confidence and self-esteem. Then there are two possible extremes: either you immediately need to negotiate a monogamous relationship (or at least impose the right of veto - and so on every time until everything loses its meaning); or rush to the first comer in an attempt to equalize the score and show that you are no worse. Of course, I do not urge anyone to give up everything and enter into open relationships in order to test yourself, but all these emotions are a good reason to think: do you really trust your partner? How confident are you? What is in your relationship - is it love or habit and codependency?
The second obstacle is largely connected with the first, with the same feeling of instability and mistrust - this is what the convinced childfree or people with already grown up children are more comfortable in these relations. A rare woman who dreams of children will agree to a knowingly unequal relationship, because during pregnancy and child care she automatically goes over for a long period to the status of a monogamous partner. The third is undoubtedly social pressure. Not everyone is ready to tell dad, mom and work colleagues that he is in an open relationship, afraid to upset the first and seem like an immature hippie for the second. And last but not least, this lack of knowledge about the successful practice of such relationships. Not because they do not exist, but because of everything that is not too approved by society, in principle, they do not speak and write too much. Plus, by virtue of its greater possible diversity, each experience, each new connection is a kind of shake-up for a couple, and if all the other cases went off with a bang, then it’s not a fact that this one will not lead to scandal. However, it all depends on what kind of benefit we are trying to extract from the relationship. Live happily ever after and die one day? Judging by the numbers of divorces, and in monogamous couples, this is not enough. No one can ever guarantee anyone, in what relations and with whom a person will find happiness.