Checklist: 5 Signs That You Are Too Infantile
Text: Yana Filimonova
The word "infantilism" is used then as a curse, then as the designation of some charming, but pretentious features - for example, a sign of a creative person. In fact, it is simply the preservation in human behavior or appearance of properties that correspond to the age stages that have already been passed.
Infantilism differs from manifestations of spontaneity, impulses of the "inner child", creative hobbies and other quite harmless phenomena in that it begins to harm others. It is assumed that an adult person will take care of himself - an infantile person needs someone to take care of him and be responsible for the consequences of his actions, and the “guardian” is often appointed against his will. We tell how to understand that your infantilism disturbs others.
1
It's hard for you to keep track of time.
This applies to everything - from working deadlines to the time when you already clearly have time to go to bed, so as not to resemble the hero of a zombie apocalypse in the morning. Each person has their own rhythms - biological, stress or relaxation, even social (in some periods, people want to go to people more, and in some periods they don’t want at all). Rhythms also exist in the environment in which we live, and not only in nature. Obligatory jams occur during rush hours twice a day in the big city, there are sales at the end of the seasons, in the morning of the first of January you can not rely on coffee to take away, and in early September you can go for a pleasant trip to empty and cool bookstores.
Growing up, we learn more about these rhythms. And it is time to accept that it is impossible to manage time, but you can manage yourself in time with some success. Starting with basic things: plan for sleep, regular meals, a feasible amount of work and rest. Learn not to mock your personal rhythms: for example, do not die at work in the morning, because until five o'clock you watched another season of your favorite series. Do not shy away from friends, because so violently hanging out last week, that now there is no strength to see people. Not to plan three things for one evening, because to have time to make them is unrealistic and this has already shown previous experience dozens of times.
It is worth commensurate with the rhythms by which the environment lives, and integrate into them - starting with the elementary taking with you an umbrella or a warm sweater if you are not at home late, and in the evening it is planned to rain and cold. Or not to be late constantly because of traffic jams that appeared out of nowhere on the roads of the city in the evening of the weekday.
2
People have to guess what you need
You offer a friend several options for the meeting, although in fact only one of them is convenient for you, but you avoid categorical statements: "Only on Thursday and only after eight, sorry. Very busy week." When she chooses Wednesday and six, you are angry - but come and the whole evening are unhappy. My friend has to wonder what she didn’t please you, or after the fact she’s upset that she didn’t choose the right option. In any case, she finds herself in an unpleasant situation: she did something uncomfortable for a loved one, but did not know about it, and now she is paying the price for the consequences (your bad mood), as if she did it on purpose.
Growing up, we have to take responsibility for our comfort. No one else is obliged to think in a motherly way about our needs before our own - neither colleagues, nor friends, nor even a partner. It is great if they generally take care of us, but first and foremost the task of ensuring our physical and moral well-being now lies with ourselves.
Sometimes it is enough to realize and designate your desire. Sometimes you have to work hard to reach a comfortable agreement. And sometimes our needs will be contrary to the desires of others, and this may cause their discontent and even anger. We will also have to withstand all the feelings and risks associated with this, including the threat of a rupture. But in the end, this approach turns out to be more productive and safer than trying to delegate responsibility for yourself to other people.
3
It's hard for you to talk about feelings and have to express them by actions.
There is no doubt that even emotionally mature people regularly need support. Any adult can become depressed, lose his temper, be terribly upset or angry. Still, the criterion of emotional maturity is, firstly, the ability to act despite emotions (sometimes it is better not to act at all until you calm down), and secondly, the ability to indicate to others that you are in poor condition and can not respond as usual.
This item rhymes with the previous one, because it is hard for a person who finds it difficult to designate his physical needs and feel feelings. It is hard to ask in words for comfort, encouragement, for everyone to leave you alone for a while. You have to “label” your state with actions: shouting, demonstrative sobbing and slamming the door, writing a letter of dismissal every month, or filing for divorce every year.
Speaking feelings with words is a habit, over the formation of which one has to work: it is difficult to cope with the soup of emotions boiling inside and somehow express them. Unaccustomed to phrases like “I now feel pain and rejection” can look ridiculous or boring. But with this approach, you will not have to disentangle the consequences of actions performed in the heat of the moment. And at some point you will find that you are surrounded by people who also don’t need to slam the door or run out of the apartment in the middle of the night to show how evil they are. And this is a pretty pleasant environment.
4
You do not cope with the financial side of life
Money in our culture is a difficult and painful topic. Parents have not taught many of us even the basics of financial literacy, but have taught, let us say, depend on a partner, endlessly borrow from friends and use purchases as a therapeutic agent for any kind of stress. Sometimes it takes dozens of years to change these patterns. The circumstances of a person’s life can also be very different: a woman on maternity leave or a seriously ill person may not have her money at all, which says absolutely nothing about their adulthood.
But if you are relatively healthy, have finished your studies, other people are not financially dependent on you (for example, children or elderly relatives) and you cannot even distribute money to get them from at least one salary to another - something went wrong . Perhaps your salary does not cover your basic needs, and then it would be worthwhile to take care of how to better yourself: change jobs, take freelancing, talk to the boss about the increase. Or your expenses do not correspond to incomes and go beyond what you can afford in reality. Despite all the objective circumstances (financial crises and not too high living standards in the country), to feed yourself and independently provide for your basic needs is the task of an adult. Not coping with it, he either finds himself in a life-threatening situation (loans, lack of food and housing), or shifts this concern onto the shoulders of relatives, partner or friends who lend to you.
5
You are trying to remake other people (and not relationships)
It is completely natural to try to change relationships that in some ways do not suit you. You can ask people not to treat you in a certain way, you can change your communication style and see how others react to it - all these efforts are directed either to ourselves or to the space between us and another person. But we have no right to ask or demand a person to change something in himself, if this does not concern us.
If a person’s peculiarity is reflected in us, but he refuses to change it, we can think either about changing our attitude towards her or about ending contact. A person with alcohol dependence may not stop drinking, and a smoker can stop smoking. A person who is late or rude all the time can do it, despite your sincere indignation. A friend who is in an unsuccessful marriage and complains about it for years is unlikely to complete it on your advice. And even more so you will not make someone fall in love with you and treat you with care if a person does not do this.
If you are carrying tricky plans on how to “motivate” loved ones and acquaintances to change, to embark on the true path, to reconsider your worldview or habits, this is most likely your case. You can give them useful books, call on lectures and seminars, or simply call for a second thought, but people have the right to remain as they are. You will save a lot of energy if you give up the idea of their "correct".
This also includes attempts to remake parents, make them realize how much love, attention and care they gave you in childhood, and the desire to get the missing. Unfortunately, we may face a lack of care, love, and good circulation. But our parents are no different from other people in this - they have the right to be imperfect and even bad. How to build adult relationships with them based on this knowledge is another matter. But as long as we continue to bill them, demand, manipulate or be offended, we remain tied to them by children.
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