Checklist: 5 things that can destroy relationships at the very beginning
Text: Yana Shagova
At the beginning of the relationship I want to believe that this time everything will turn out and before us is the man we have always dreamed of. But in the state of being in love, it is easy to overlook something important or, conversely, to do everything as “accepted”, forgetting what helps to build harmonious relationships. We talk about five important things that may interfere at the start - and what to do with them.
1
You pretend to be "better" than you are.
"Better" here in quotes, because it exists only in our head. Very often we try to smooth out character traits and habits that seem unattractive to us, and push out (or even portray from scratch) those that we think should be appreciated by our partner. There are cultural stereotypes, and some family rules that say that a woman supposedly should be able to cook, and a man - to hammer a nail, that no one loves "clever men", but everyone likes "laughter", or that the soul of the company is preferable. "silent". We are struggling to look that way, because we really want to please.
If you depict the master, when in reality you cannot tolerate cleaning up, or exaggerating your love for sports, but in reality you prefer movies and a good cheesecake to active recreation, or you know that you are stubborn and love to argue, but you try to agree with everything - this is a losing strategy. Firstly, it will not take long to portray something, and the partner will feel tension and insincerity. On the whole, it works against you: you will feel much happier in your relationship with someone you are attractive to with all your features.
There are people in the world who do not care about the perfect order in the house, but what is important, for example, is the ease to climb or the passion for creativity that you possess. Anyone who loves stormy discussions and is not afraid of sharp topics may feel uncomfortable next to the lover of silence, for whom peace and harmony are more important than the search for truth. There is no "bad" and "good" character, but there are features that are suitable or not suitable for others. The more sincere you show yours, the sooner you will find a partner with whom you will be fine.
2
You refuse important to spend all the time with a partner
Let's start with the fact that a person who requires such a person is very likely to have the characteristics of an abuzer. If you find time for a partner, but you are jealous of dinner in a cafe with friends, going to the gym and even TV shows that you watch alone - this is a wake-up call. But sometimes we refuse all other activities as if on our own, when no one demands it from us - because we are very much in love or it seems to us that this will be “right”, and now we will spend the whole time together with him or her.
Isolation and isolation on each other badly affect relationships. In such a picture of the world, the second person should literally replace everything else: share all interests, become a full-fledged analogue to a large circle of communication and participate in all your entertainment.
However, one person is simply not physically capable of it - so after a month or two, when the first fever from falling in love a little, it is time to return to the same interests. Perhaps some of them will be happy to share, while others will remain only your hobbies. Same with friends: you can be friends with someone as a couple, and you can still meet with someone yourself.
3
You ignore the "bells" and "red flags"
When a new partner said or did something that you absolutely do not like, it is a disturbing bell. It should not be ignored in any way - on the contrary, you should pay attention to the situation and discuss it. After the discussion, it usually becomes clear if your partner hears you and respects your feelings, values and opinions. If not, this is already a “red flag”: no need to go further, the danger zone. Although it is difficult to come to terms with it, especially if before that it seemed that everything was going just fine.
Do not ignore the bells, and if you see the "red flag" - turn around and leave. You said that you are allergic to tropical fruits, and a week later your partner gave you a basket of mango and lychee? This is a bell: for some reason he did not hear you. Do not try to keep your face and take a basket with a sweet smile, then to distribute its contents to your friends. Thank you for your concern by adding: “Unfortunately, I can't eat it - as I said (a), I'm allergic to this fruit. It's a pity.” If a person apologizes, is upset, or asks what will make you happy the next time, so as not to miss - this means that you can try to build relationships with him further.
But if a partner looks annoyed and at the same time blames you (no matter what: what you didn’t talk about allergies - although you remember exactly how they told about that unsuccessful trip to Thailand, that you’re capricious, that he wasn’t wasted) "red flag". The person ignored information about your health, and now blames you for the fact that his gift failed.
If you are asked not to call you "bunny," but your partner persistently does it - this is a bell. If you ask why he (a) ignores your wishes, and he (a) replies: "I am so comfortable, I am a man of habit" or "Is it a manifestation of tenderness that you don’t like?" - this is the "red flag". If he or she makes a remark that seems disrespectful and offensive to you, this is a bell. If you talked about your feelings about this, and the person reacts aggressively, snaps or turns everything into a joke, in half an hour to say something else unpleasant, this is the “red flag”.
4
You do not hear what was explicitly said
"I do not eat meat" or, on the contrary, "I will never become a vegetarian", "I am not going to quit smoking", "I (do not) want children", "I (not) are religious (on)" - do not ignore these words and Do not expect to be able to change a person’s beliefs, tastes, views on childbearing or attitudes towards health. The idea of changing someone for the better with their love is the basis of codependency, and it does not carry anything good.
Try to look at the person with whom you begin to meet, unbiased. Imagine that you live together and all her or his habits remained in place: he still smokes, is not going to have children, does not go with you to the steakhouse or strictly observes religious rites. Is this right for you? Do not tell yourself: "Do not worry, I will adapt" or "He (a) will understand and change everything for me." Yes, some people quit smoking, become vegetarians, and even change religious beliefs. But you can not count on it.
Of course, the list of important questions for each will be his own - but here’s an example from which to start and then make your own: an approach to loyalty and betrayal, religiosity, lifestyle and bad habits, food culture, attitude to sex, attitude to childbirth, political views, relations with the parental family, views on money and earnings, opinion on official marriage, big plans for the future (for example, when one of the partners wants to live in another country, to travel around the world, plans to get a new education and drastically change the scope of activities and the like).
Differences in values or lifestyle - one of the most difficult. A couple that does not coincide on these important issues is doomed either to parting or to a painful and conflicting life - still with a high probability of parting. Therefore, do not ignore the partner's statements about plans for emigration or that he alone goes to the mountains for two months every summer. Ask him how important this is, and yourself - how acceptable it is for you.
5
You ignore what the partner is doing
Unfortunately, the partner can declare one thing and act differently. Therefore, carefully look at what a person is doing - and if it disagrees with words, trust actions. Imagine that you turned off the sound and watch a silent movie about your pair. On the screen they show how your partner or partner flirts with other people, actively communicates with the former or former, hiding the screen from you, and always disappears somewhere for the weekend? Alas, his or her words about loyalty and monogamy weigh a little.
If a person verbally plans to acquire several happy kids, but in reality he cannot spend five minutes in the same room with the baby and shies away from the children of your friends, then he seems to overestimate his craving for parenthood. Does he or she lead “promising projects” all the time and participate in startups, but he walks in worn shoes and constantly shoots money from you on a taxi? With such a person you can hardly count on financial stability. You may be satisfied with all these traits - but it is important to evaluate the input data and not feed the illusions.
By the way, impressions will not necessarily be unpleasant. You can see that a person who is not very generous with compliments and flowery promises is always there and ready to support you, listens to your requests and appreciates you as a person. The one who said that he “doesn’t know how to caress nicely” really doesn’t fill you up with a bunch of flowers, but runs to the pharmacy without talking when you catch a cold and order your favorite pizza for breakfast.
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